I shall not weep...

coz i will focus on the good in life...

i had a brilliant night... post finding out about.. what'd u call him noor?? oh yeah... post CL phase of the night was truly awesome.

I went for midnight mass!!! at St. James'.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'd wanted to go for sooo long.. but then midnight isnt a time that i'm allowed to go out of the houuse... were it not for work.. and the freak fact that i was actually listening to other ppl in the office car instead of being kllost in the telephone..

it was beautiful.... i remember goin to the Sacred heart cathederal last christmas in the afternoon with everyone from ppg... n we all wondered how it would be like if we were actually present on occasion...

n this time i got it...

the silence, the candles, the smoke from the incense.. the sound of a hundred whispered responses...

it was peace as i have never known... except after a large mouthful of bhang on holi.. or in the crush of the jostling crowds at bihariji temple at vrindavan.... thousands of people cahanting together... lost in something they only half understand...

maybe religion isnt really that bad after all... its when you try and push your sensibility on others when the problem rises..

last night the pastor's message was simply this... do not be afraid.. love everyone around you..

and god will protect you



my tears dropped on the altar railing when i knelt to be blessed...

song for every occasion???

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be
But we lost it (but we lost it)

All of the memories, so close to me
Just fade away

All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

well.... bits thereof anyway.... goodbye goodbye.. parting this time is no sorrow at all...

the myth of pavlov

even dogs and mice learn to not repeat the behaviour that leads to punishment...

why dont humans do the same????????

why do we try to find loopholes out of laws, and work around the rules.. and think that hiding our heads in the sand will mean that we're safe and the danger has passed.....

why do pinpricks hurt worse that the thrust of a sword??
why does a huge shock numb faster than the small hurts...
why do things accumulate in my head and heart till i feel i will explode...
why cant things heal..
why is it that i feel this way..
why is it that somethings just dont go away.....????????

there is no such thing as forever

depressed.. yes.. about what?? donno
why?? lets just say the homecoming wasnt as i thought it would be.. the first touch the first kiss.. all rather tame in comparison to all that i had dreamt of in the loong days of being alone.. u know how it is right.. u build up something soooo much in your imagination that the real thing seems pale..

why is it that the songs go on and on about a happily ever after...?? telling tales of how even after years and years.. the lovers fall right into each other's arms and proceed to be happy for the rest of their lives...
what no one mentions is how things change.. how everything changes so much that you dont know what to do or say or think...
when your perfect life seems suddenly to have collapsed like a pack of cards and you dont know how to put it back together.. when the new creation is not what u had built in the first place.. and you dont know if this will stand either..

when nothing seems to comfort you anymore... except solitude..
i once sat atop a high cliff wanting to jump away from my solitude.. now the silence comforts me somehow.. being in my own head doesnt feel like i'm trapped..
talking to myself isnt quite as bad as it used to be...

dare i say.. this too shall pass???

i loved this book once.. for the hope, the surety of love that it portrayed... "A Bridge across forever" .. no matter how circumstances change.. "the one" for you will always be there...

why are there so many lies in this world??? why does nothing remain sacred and true??

why does hope get crushed again and again till you begin to wonder if there was any point in having dreams at all...

Love stories and love songs.. "endless love"...

what the fuck is forever anyway???????

doodh ka jala chach bhi phoonk phoonk kar pita hai..

why is it that sometimes things get so bad that even thinking about it hurts??
that a casual mention can leave you gasping for breath...
that you cant explain to yourself why something bugs you so much when there i no concrete reason to..
logic cant always answer every question.. and things just get worse if verbalisation of thoughts is something that will end up hurting someone eventualy..
wat are we?? the thought police???

dooodh ka jala chach bhi phoonk phoonk kar pita hai.....

नन्हे जिस्मों के टुकड़े लिए खड़ी है एक माँ..

एक तू ही भरोसा... एक तू ही सहारा...
इस तेरे जहाँ में॥ नहीं कोई हमारा॥
हे इश्वर, या अल्लाह॥ यह पुकार सुन ले॥ हे इश्वर या अल्लाह हें दाता॥

नादाँ हैं हम तो मालिक॥ क्यूँ दी हमें यह सज़ा
यहाँ है सभी के दिल में नफरत का ज़हर भरा॥
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