feels so good to let something outta ur system when uve been suppressing it for a long time... there were things that upset me.. but i never spoke them coz of this mental censor which told me i was being stupid n goin to jeopardise what i have....
i llearnt today that i can expect the same as i give to ppl.. i want to be told the exact truth.. to not be kept in the dark bout what's bothering the ppl i love... how silly of me not to think they'd want the same...
thank u angel.. for being by my side....
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
Thursday, July 13, 2006
a chance meeting........
this post is specially to thank someone i've met only once in my life... we met online, talked bout a lot of things.... n met once... just a few days ago.... i have to thank u... coz unknowingly u showed me another side to myself....
i was never gutsy enough to just start talking to someone i didnt know.... u changed that.... it was fun, talking bout ppl we both know n things that we think of....i wasnt ever so free n open with anyone, not anyone i had just met... it was nice to be able to just have a good time without qualms or considerations. n thanks for ur help with my work....
hope we continue to stay in touch
i was never gutsy enough to just start talking to someone i didnt know.... u changed that.... it was fun, talking bout ppl we both know n things that we think of....i wasnt ever so free n open with anyone, not anyone i had just met... it was nice to be able to just have a good time without qualms or considerations. n thanks for ur help with my work....
hope we continue to stay in touch
Friday, June 09, 2006
wrote this long ago.... dont quite know why....
a core of pain inside me
an inexplicable sadness
nameless, numerous thoughts crowd my mind
bind
memories of pain n sorrow to my heart
make me fear
cry
dont know what or why
life seems unneeded
a sudden desire to die..
to fly
far away from the maddening crowd
a whirlpool of sounds, shapes
sigths, lights, voices
assaulting by senses
trapped in a vortex of black emotions
an emptiness inside me
a space that throbs with invisible emotions
bringing me to my knees with hurtthat clouds my mind n dulls my senses..
i hear childish voices risen in quarrel
the clink of utensils, mother in her kitchen
the rustles and roars of life outside my window
still.... a void inside
that spews out emotions
words pour out
to assuage a grief...
why do i feel it???
for thoughts that surface
then dive again
wishes that come to heart but remain unprayed for......
an inexplicable sadness
nameless, numerous thoughts crowd my mind
bind
memories of pain n sorrow to my heart
make me fear
cry
dont know what or why
life seems unneeded
a sudden desire to die..
to fly
far away from the maddening crowd
a whirlpool of sounds, shapes
sigths, lights, voices
assaulting by senses
trapped in a vortex of black emotions
an emptiness inside me
a space that throbs with invisible emotions
bringing me to my knees with hurtthat clouds my mind n dulls my senses..
i hear childish voices risen in quarrel
the clink of utensils, mother in her kitchen
the rustles and roars of life outside my window
still.... a void inside
that spews out emotions
words pour out
to assuage a grief...
why do i feel it???
for thoughts that surface
then dive again
wishes that come to heart but remain unprayed for......
Thursday, May 25, 2006
still goin....
the trip through old delhi isnt over yet..... so... where was i???
oh yeah.. i forgot...
before getting to the kullewala n my house, we went to see the temple of Shri Chitragupt- the scribe of Yama, the god of death... he is the patron deity of Kayasthas.. infact accordibg to the stories that expalin formation of castes... Kayasthas emerged from the body of this divine scribe... which is why the traditional occupations of Kayasthas, n Mathurs have been accounting, bookkeeping, law etc..
okay... now.. we had lunch at Bagichi.. Bedmi-aloo..n raita(dahi- curd with boondi in it) .. the uhm.. 'traditional' dish of dilliwala mathurs... though Kadhi-chawal were missed..
after the lunch break we went hrough to the Haveli where the great Mirza Ghalib spent his last few years.. to get to this haveli we went through this little lane called the "patli gali"..so named.. coz the lane is only wide enough for one nice fat person to go through at one time... so when two of my frenz decided that they wanted to take a picture of our whole group walkin along like a nice bunch of schoolkids, we inevitably created a traffic jam coz there were a lot more ppl waiting for their turn to cross over to the other side... before Mirza ghalib's old home we came across the building which ahd houssed the hindustani Dawakhana... an oooooold hospital... since we didnt stop to read the plaque i cant tell u what happened to it...
all through the trip we talked of the cultural history of the area and the architechtural changes.... in the havelis that we visited, the bickwork was specially pointed out to us... the small, thinner bricks belonging to the Mughal era interspersed with the bigger, wider bricks introduced by the British... the houses also used slabs of sandstone for rooofing, and at the base of the walls, and the stairs..at johnny bahiya's house we saw how the terraces of almost all houses are linked or atleast close enough for anyone to jump over from one house to another... he was telling us how kids run all over the neighbourhood via the terraces chasing after kites..
coming back to my narrative...
from mirza ghalib's haveli we went to Ballimaran.. this is another quarter of chandni chowk.. the name comes from the oooooold time colony of the fishermen and boatmen who used to live here.. they werre called Balli- marne wale- coz they used ballis- sticks is bamboo to row their boats, so their quarters came to be known as Ballimaran.. though now there is no boatman or even a waterway anywhere near the palce... the name, like most of old delhi, is a carryover from the time of Shahjahanabad as the city where the Mughal kings lived...
one thing that was a discordant note in the entire trip was our entry into Ballimaran.. in the british period, the entire area was divided into Hindu and muslim areas, and before u get to ballimaran from the other side, there is a gate, a metal structure clearly delineating the Hindu and the Muslim sections.. painted saffron and white on the hindu side and Green on the muslim side.... it felt like all the things said bou unity and equality to us mean nothing... there was no visible change in the scenery, but there was a psychological difference in the atmosphere of the two sections.. plus there were a lot more burqa- clad women on this side...i felt like asking someone whether we were still in Delhi.. but then, that is the old delhi which hasnt changed much in the hundreds of years of its existance..
from Bllimaran we went to a place called Katra Neel, where a number of freedom fighters were shot during the civil disobedience movement in 1942.. paradoxically, the biggest Haveli there, calledd Chunnamal ki haveli is one that was given as reward to a family for helping the British during the 1857 revolt...
we saw the Haveli too.. it is a massive place, with 135 rooms and a front sitting room decorated with a mix of Roman china figurines, british style photographs and sketches and Mughal- Rajputana style carvings.. it felt as if we had walked to through the portals of time.. exept for the new photographs of the family that were kept on the mantlepiece.. the cieling had a canpy-covering of rajasthani-print cloth, and beautiful painted- glass chandeliers.... even as we admired the place, the unfairness of it was stark... the beautiful Haveli gifted to the traitor was the backdrop of the killing of freedom fighters...
thereon was a short drinks break where we sampled the famous Kanchewali botal, or Banta as it is also known as... it is lemon juice and water mixed with a special masala which gives it a lovely refreshing taste.. two drinks eachand all of us found enrgy enoughto walk all the way through Kinari bazaar to Dariba Kalan- the the jewellery market... all through the way we must have passed a few hundered sari shops... mostly bridal and wedding wear... n there was a whole long lane of footwear shops. we passed through the famous Paranthe wali gali- where there are shops selling.. paranthas(wat else) and other things to eat.. but already being stuffed, we passed them by... we walked past the Central Baptist Church, and the Gurudwara Seesganj, both within 50 meteres of each other.. and then.. exhausted by the loooooooong day... we had Rasgullas at Annapurna and then sat down at Haldiram's restaurant to realx.... Kavita, Bhavika n Bhumika all bought Samosas n Kachoris to take home... i got Rasgullas from Annapurna...
after about 10minutes of rest time, it being almost 6 PM, we piled into autos to go back home....
the trip had begun at 1030 AM.
oh yeah.. i forgot...
before getting to the kullewala n my house, we went to see the temple of Shri Chitragupt- the scribe of Yama, the god of death... he is the patron deity of Kayasthas.. infact accordibg to the stories that expalin formation of castes... Kayasthas emerged from the body of this divine scribe... which is why the traditional occupations of Kayasthas, n Mathurs have been accounting, bookkeeping, law etc..
okay... now.. we had lunch at Bagichi.. Bedmi-aloo..n raita(dahi- curd with boondi in it) .. the uhm.. 'traditional' dish of dilliwala mathurs... though Kadhi-chawal were missed..
after the lunch break we went hrough to the Haveli where the great Mirza Ghalib spent his last few years.. to get to this haveli we went through this little lane called the "patli gali"..so named.. coz the lane is only wide enough for one nice fat person to go through at one time... so when two of my frenz decided that they wanted to take a picture of our whole group walkin along like a nice bunch of schoolkids, we inevitably created a traffic jam coz there were a lot more ppl waiting for their turn to cross over to the other side... before Mirza ghalib's old home we came across the building which ahd houssed the hindustani Dawakhana... an oooooold hospital... since we didnt stop to read the plaque i cant tell u what happened to it...
all through the trip we talked of the cultural history of the area and the architechtural changes.... in the havelis that we visited, the bickwork was specially pointed out to us... the small, thinner bricks belonging to the Mughal era interspersed with the bigger, wider bricks introduced by the British... the houses also used slabs of sandstone for rooofing, and at the base of the walls, and the stairs..at johnny bahiya's house we saw how the terraces of almost all houses are linked or atleast close enough for anyone to jump over from one house to another... he was telling us how kids run all over the neighbourhood via the terraces chasing after kites..
coming back to my narrative...
from mirza ghalib's haveli we went to Ballimaran.. this is another quarter of chandni chowk.. the name comes from the oooooold time colony of the fishermen and boatmen who used to live here.. they werre called Balli- marne wale- coz they used ballis- sticks is bamboo to row their boats, so their quarters came to be known as Ballimaran.. though now there is no boatman or even a waterway anywhere near the palce... the name, like most of old delhi, is a carryover from the time of Shahjahanabad as the city where the Mughal kings lived...
one thing that was a discordant note in the entire trip was our entry into Ballimaran.. in the british period, the entire area was divided into Hindu and muslim areas, and before u get to ballimaran from the other side, there is a gate, a metal structure clearly delineating the Hindu and the Muslim sections.. painted saffron and white on the hindu side and Green on the muslim side.... it felt like all the things said bou unity and equality to us mean nothing... there was no visible change in the scenery, but there was a psychological difference in the atmosphere of the two sections.. plus there were a lot more burqa- clad women on this side...i felt like asking someone whether we were still in Delhi.. but then, that is the old delhi which hasnt changed much in the hundreds of years of its existance..
from Bllimaran we went to a place called Katra Neel, where a number of freedom fighters were shot during the civil disobedience movement in 1942.. paradoxically, the biggest Haveli there, calledd Chunnamal ki haveli is one that was given as reward to a family for helping the British during the 1857 revolt...
we saw the Haveli too.. it is a massive place, with 135 rooms and a front sitting room decorated with a mix of Roman china figurines, british style photographs and sketches and Mughal- Rajputana style carvings.. it felt as if we had walked to through the portals of time.. exept for the new photographs of the family that were kept on the mantlepiece.. the cieling had a canpy-covering of rajasthani-print cloth, and beautiful painted- glass chandeliers.... even as we admired the place, the unfairness of it was stark... the beautiful Haveli gifted to the traitor was the backdrop of the killing of freedom fighters...
thereon was a short drinks break where we sampled the famous Kanchewali botal, or Banta as it is also known as... it is lemon juice and water mixed with a special masala which gives it a lovely refreshing taste.. two drinks eachand all of us found enrgy enoughto walk all the way through Kinari bazaar to Dariba Kalan- the the jewellery market... all through the way we must have passed a few hundered sari shops... mostly bridal and wedding wear... n there was a whole long lane of footwear shops. we passed through the famous Paranthe wali gali- where there are shops selling.. paranthas(wat else) and other things to eat.. but already being stuffed, we passed them by... we walked past the Central Baptist Church, and the Gurudwara Seesganj, both within 50 meteres of each other.. and then.. exhausted by the loooooooong day... we had Rasgullas at Annapurna and then sat down at Haldiram's restaurant to realx.... Kavita, Bhavika n Bhumika all bought Samosas n Kachoris to take home... i got Rasgullas from Annapurna...
after about 10minutes of rest time, it being almost 6 PM, we piled into autos to go back home....
the trip had begun at 1030 AM.
trippin through the past....
The trip to old delhi was a lot of fun... bout 20 of us squeezed into an auto n two cars... to get to the metro station.... n then frm the Chawri Bazaar station in 7 rickshws to the Indraprastha School for girls...
that's the oldest girls' school in Delhi... started in 1904 by a group of ppl including Annie Besant. it is in this really old... really beautiful haveli.. but we could'nt see a lot of it coz theere was repairwork goin on there... but it was nice being in the place where my grandmother studied... and the grandmothers, aunts etc of a lot of pll who went on this trip... it was mostly ppl frm my society n a coupla cousins etc.. the board there displaying the names of teb topppers in class 12th examz had the name of one of my Aunts... my cousin brother n sister were there n they were pretty excited at seeing her name there...
from there we went to this shop which sells typical Mathur accessories.. bindis, chunris, bangles etc that are used by brides n married women at all ritual occasions... it was fun.... plus our mothers had told almost all of us to get them bindis... shopping from the old traditional spot... from there we went through the myriad Galis.. lanes n bylanes.. of chandni chowk to a place called Kaccha Katra... where there was an old Mathur haveli which, at some point of time has housed a temple of Radha-Krishna moulded with gold and studded with diamonds.. the riches are now gone... but the temple remains... and the house now belongs to the family of the panditji who officiated at the temple... right next to that house was the house belonging to a cousin of my chachi.. my sister.. who was part of the group wanted to meet her cousin brother n her mausi... so we went.. n therein we discovered the crossties of relationships that abound between all mathur families of old delhi.... relationships of one family to another via bloood and marriage..... i cant possibly get into the details here coz i run the risk of writing on forever......
from there we went to a gali called Gali Kayasthan... which, till a few years after independence was an area with almost 100%kayastha population.... the city of old delhi was a city divided into zones... n we were looking at the areas which had beenn the quarters of the Kayastha families.. of which Mathurs are a branch...
in this gali we went to the house that belongs to a family which lives in our society... n the two scions of that family- Johnny bhaiya n Tanu ( formally Ashish n Abhishek) were acting as our tour-guides coz they were practically the only ones of our generation living in our society who had actually lived in old delhi.... the rest of us had only heard from parents and grandparents of the fun they had had running across the terraces n galis of Sheher.... these two had actually done it themselves.. and they have kept the ties strong by visiting the old house, where their grandmother and uncle still live... very frequently... the house is 4 stories high.. built as a block aorund a central courtyard.. which we saw, was pretty much the standard design of all houses that we went to.. we saw 4 of the havelis that still belong to Mathur families... my family's house included... where i have visited my relatives about 4-5v times in my entire 18 year old lifetime... we then went to this chaatshop that also specialises in making Kullas- i told u bout those in my last post i think... they're carved out potatoes stuffed with chanas, Anar seeds, mashed potato, dal n spices... loads of spices.. sprinkled with lemon juice, not for someone who cant take too much spice... they can make your mouth feel like its been set on fire...
after this we went to my house... er... the house belonging to my family.... its called Bagichi, n was at one point of time a nice big haveli spread across what is now an entire lane of shops.... most of the house has been sold or leased off to shops... saris n chaat etc is sold from rooms where my ancestors once slept n played... but we still have a nice large part left for the family.... cousins still live there... being about 130 odd years old.. this house is the joint property of my grandfather's generatin... i.e My grandpa and his brothers.. upto HIS second cousins... so if there is a family get together, there are about 80 odd family units who are part of this joint family...only 5 of those still live there... the rest of us have moved out and scattered all over...
walking through the lanes in a large group had its own charm... 20 of us... ages8- about 28.. walking along in the crowded streets.. n god they were CROWDED.. rickshaws and scooters and PEOPLE... the sheer numbers!!
i took a whole roll of pictures... mostly keeping the numbers as a subject... the people, the vehicles, the house, even the tangled masses of electrical wires....
that's the oldest girls' school in Delhi... started in 1904 by a group of ppl including Annie Besant. it is in this really old... really beautiful haveli.. but we could'nt see a lot of it coz theere was repairwork goin on there... but it was nice being in the place where my grandmother studied... and the grandmothers, aunts etc of a lot of pll who went on this trip... it was mostly ppl frm my society n a coupla cousins etc.. the board there displaying the names of teb topppers in class 12th examz had the name of one of my Aunts... my cousin brother n sister were there n they were pretty excited at seeing her name there...
from there we went to this shop which sells typical Mathur accessories.. bindis, chunris, bangles etc that are used by brides n married women at all ritual occasions... it was fun.... plus our mothers had told almost all of us to get them bindis... shopping from the old traditional spot... from there we went through the myriad Galis.. lanes n bylanes.. of chandni chowk to a place called Kaccha Katra... where there was an old Mathur haveli which, at some point of time has housed a temple of Radha-Krishna moulded with gold and studded with diamonds.. the riches are now gone... but the temple remains... and the house now belongs to the family of the panditji who officiated at the temple... right next to that house was the house belonging to a cousin of my chachi.. my sister.. who was part of the group wanted to meet her cousin brother n her mausi... so we went.. n therein we discovered the crossties of relationships that abound between all mathur families of old delhi.... relationships of one family to another via bloood and marriage..... i cant possibly get into the details here coz i run the risk of writing on forever......
from there we went to a gali called Gali Kayasthan... which, till a few years after independence was an area with almost 100%kayastha population.... the city of old delhi was a city divided into zones... n we were looking at the areas which had beenn the quarters of the Kayastha families.. of which Mathurs are a branch...
in this gali we went to the house that belongs to a family which lives in our society... n the two scions of that family- Johnny bhaiya n Tanu ( formally Ashish n Abhishek) were acting as our tour-guides coz they were practically the only ones of our generation living in our society who had actually lived in old delhi.... the rest of us had only heard from parents and grandparents of the fun they had had running across the terraces n galis of Sheher.... these two had actually done it themselves.. and they have kept the ties strong by visiting the old house, where their grandmother and uncle still live... very frequently... the house is 4 stories high.. built as a block aorund a central courtyard.. which we saw, was pretty much the standard design of all houses that we went to.. we saw 4 of the havelis that still belong to Mathur families... my family's house included... where i have visited my relatives about 4-5v times in my entire 18 year old lifetime... we then went to this chaatshop that also specialises in making Kullas- i told u bout those in my last post i think... they're carved out potatoes stuffed with chanas, Anar seeds, mashed potato, dal n spices... loads of spices.. sprinkled with lemon juice, not for someone who cant take too much spice... they can make your mouth feel like its been set on fire...
after this we went to my house... er... the house belonging to my family.... its called Bagichi, n was at one point of time a nice big haveli spread across what is now an entire lane of shops.... most of the house has been sold or leased off to shops... saris n chaat etc is sold from rooms where my ancestors once slept n played... but we still have a nice large part left for the family.... cousins still live there... being about 130 odd years old.. this house is the joint property of my grandfather's generatin... i.e My grandpa and his brothers.. upto HIS second cousins... so if there is a family get together, there are about 80 odd family units who are part of this joint family...only 5 of those still live there... the rest of us have moved out and scattered all over...
walking through the lanes in a large group had its own charm... 20 of us... ages8- about 28.. walking along in the crowded streets.. n god they were CROWDED.. rickshaws and scooters and PEOPLE... the sheer numbers!!
i took a whole roll of pictures... mostly keeping the numbers as a subject... the people, the vehicles, the house, even the tangled masses of electrical wires....
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Heritage
my sister is doin her MA in cultural studies... n she's doin a project on the history of Mathurs in Delhi.. which obviously includes our own family... family history n stories of important ppl of our caste.... Mathurs are a subcaste belonging to the Kayastha caste.... not that i have more than a very vague idea of what it all means.... but this project is giving me a lot of insight into the history of my family n society....
we live in a cooperative society which has 116 flats.... bout 100 of them are owned by Mathur families from old Delhi... we are from there too.... our ancestoral house still stands... still belongs in our family... some cousins still live there... in the heart of Chandni chowk... near the Jama Masjid...
its wierd how despite living here... i have very little knowledge of my heritage n my family's past... or the "Mathur Culture" of old Delhi.." sheher" as its called.. long ago the citadel of shahjahanabad, the Red fort- Chandni chowk area is still caleed sheher by my community... "Sheher"- the city.we are going for a walk around Chandni chowk tomorrow... to visit the places that are significant in the Cultural history of Mathurs.. the temple of Shri Chitragupt... the patron deity, from whose body the Kayasthas are supposed to have been created... the age old shops selling our typical jewellery and other things like the Chunri- a sari given to married daughters and daughters- in law on special occasions such as different pujas etc..., the special bindis- cahumpbindi worn by the married women on special occasions, shops specialising in foodstuffs that are part and parcel of our culture- Kulle- a snack made from potatoes hollowed out and stuffed with chana and spices etc; bedmi aloo- a dish of spicy potatoes stuffed inside a poori made of atta mixed with ground urad dal.. and a few of the old houses , havelis actually, that are still owned and occupied by mathur families, ours includeeed.. the wierd part is.... i havent been to that house more than bot 4 times in my entire 18 yr lifespan, despite the fact that some of our relatives still live there...
we are also going to participate in the age old activity of flying kites there... one of our relatives is to give us a demonstration of his prowess, and then we might give it a try..... i have flown kites before... its one thing thats always done almost as a ritual on Independence day.. kite flying contests all over the place...
we had an informal meeting -cum orientation for the ppl who are goin for the walk... mostly kids my age frm the society... n i felt like i didnt know a thng bout my past.... a couple of my frenz knew sooooooo much bout the Sheher n our cultural history...
but thats what this walk is for.... to educate ignorant "modern" brats like me bout our old culture....
see my sister's project blog... www.mathurbuilding.blogspot.com
we live in a cooperative society which has 116 flats.... bout 100 of them are owned by Mathur families from old Delhi... we are from there too.... our ancestoral house still stands... still belongs in our family... some cousins still live there... in the heart of Chandni chowk... near the Jama Masjid...
its wierd how despite living here... i have very little knowledge of my heritage n my family's past... or the "Mathur Culture" of old Delhi.." sheher" as its called.. long ago the citadel of shahjahanabad, the Red fort- Chandni chowk area is still caleed sheher by my community... "Sheher"- the city.we are going for a walk around Chandni chowk tomorrow... to visit the places that are significant in the Cultural history of Mathurs.. the temple of Shri Chitragupt... the patron deity, from whose body the Kayasthas are supposed to have been created... the age old shops selling our typical jewellery and other things like the Chunri- a sari given to married daughters and daughters- in law on special occasions such as different pujas etc..., the special bindis- cahumpbindi worn by the married women on special occasions, shops specialising in foodstuffs that are part and parcel of our culture- Kulle- a snack made from potatoes hollowed out and stuffed with chana and spices etc; bedmi aloo- a dish of spicy potatoes stuffed inside a poori made of atta mixed with ground urad dal.. and a few of the old houses , havelis actually, that are still owned and occupied by mathur families, ours includeeed.. the wierd part is.... i havent been to that house more than bot 4 times in my entire 18 yr lifespan, despite the fact that some of our relatives still live there...
we are also going to participate in the age old activity of flying kites there... one of our relatives is to give us a demonstration of his prowess, and then we might give it a try..... i have flown kites before... its one thing thats always done almost as a ritual on Independence day.. kite flying contests all over the place...
we had an informal meeting -cum orientation for the ppl who are goin for the walk... mostly kids my age frm the society... n i felt like i didnt know a thng bout my past.... a couple of my frenz knew sooooooo much bout the Sheher n our cultural history...
but thats what this walk is for.... to educate ignorant "modern" brats like me bout our old culture....
see my sister's project blog... www.mathurbuilding.blogspot.com
Thursday, May 18, 2006
Madness in reserve....
49.5%reservation in educational institutions at grad n postgrad level for SC/ST/OBC candidates... have these politicians gone CRAZY????? higher education should be based SOLELY on merit.... n how the hell can u ask a student who can barely speak english to take the same exam as the other kids in IITs?????what this country desperately needs is more schols- primary , secondary n higher...... reserving seats will just create problems
what i ask is... if the oppression has been unfair on the backward classes.... isnt his large scale reservation at these levels unfair towards the general students???? besides that... the concept of the "creamy layer" absorbing all benefits has already been discussed ad nauseum by journalists n general public alike...
if someone is rich enough to put their child through school... and the child intelligent enough to aspire for a seat at IIT or IIM or AIIMS etc... then they can DEFINITELY compete with the general category students in the merit based examz... n if someone simply is'nt bright enough.. they don't deserve a seat in the first place....
there has been a hunger strike on by students of medical colleges in delhi for the past 100 hours ... the news doing the rounds is that 94 students have collapsed due to hunger n heat... there was also a demnstartion by DU students today at India Gate... strikes and demonstrations... mostly by medical students have been goin on all over the country since these reservations were announced....
some people may argue that these reservations are necesary for the upliftment of the downtrodden... to giv ethe ones who have been cut out of society for centuries a level palying field.... but really... does a 'level' playing field mean giving the right of way to those who can't even use it???? most reserved seats in colleges according to news reports go unfilled... specially in the high standard institutions such as the IITs n IIMs etc.... most of those students who do join these colleges... even the regular BA Honours courses at "normal" colleges.. have to face numerous problems... and a large number simply drop out after a yr or two.. or worse... fail.. isnt that a total waste of time, effort and money??? both for the govt and the student??? and what about the general catewgory students who belong to economically weak families???? how are they supposed to compete with the rich students who can pay their way through private colleges AND the reserved category ones who just get in to the college without their merit being of consideration...
to empower these sections of society what we need is rise in quality and availability of basic school education... without that, these reservations are totally useless..
the govt is now announcing its intention of increasing the number of seats available in the various institutions... despite the ground realities that the student:teacher ratio in most colleges is already very high.. infrastructure such as hostels, books, computers, funds for research etc are already low...increasing the number of seats will drastically cut down the quality of education in these colleges.. all this has been pointed out in numerous articles, by various academicians, administrators of the colleges as well as journalists.. hasnt the govt noticed yet???
shouldnt the level of acheivement depend on the amount of work u put in???? merit should be the sloe consideration for admittance into an educational institution... and to enable that.. we need more schools and schoolteachers who actually teach... reservation is not the right way to change their fortunes...
what i ask is... if the oppression has been unfair on the backward classes.... isnt his large scale reservation at these levels unfair towards the general students???? besides that... the concept of the "creamy layer" absorbing all benefits has already been discussed ad nauseum by journalists n general public alike...
if someone is rich enough to put their child through school... and the child intelligent enough to aspire for a seat at IIT or IIM or AIIMS etc... then they can DEFINITELY compete with the general category students in the merit based examz... n if someone simply is'nt bright enough.. they don't deserve a seat in the first place....
there has been a hunger strike on by students of medical colleges in delhi for the past 100 hours ... the news doing the rounds is that 94 students have collapsed due to hunger n heat... there was also a demnstartion by DU students today at India Gate... strikes and demonstrations... mostly by medical students have been goin on all over the country since these reservations were announced....
some people may argue that these reservations are necesary for the upliftment of the downtrodden... to giv ethe ones who have been cut out of society for centuries a level palying field.... but really... does a 'level' playing field mean giving the right of way to those who can't even use it???? most reserved seats in colleges according to news reports go unfilled... specially in the high standard institutions such as the IITs n IIMs etc.... most of those students who do join these colleges... even the regular BA Honours courses at "normal" colleges.. have to face numerous problems... and a large number simply drop out after a yr or two.. or worse... fail.. isnt that a total waste of time, effort and money??? both for the govt and the student??? and what about the general catewgory students who belong to economically weak families???? how are they supposed to compete with the rich students who can pay their way through private colleges AND the reserved category ones who just get in to the college without their merit being of consideration...
to empower these sections of society what we need is rise in quality and availability of basic school education... without that, these reservations are totally useless..
the govt is now announcing its intention of increasing the number of seats available in the various institutions... despite the ground realities that the student:teacher ratio in most colleges is already very high.. infrastructure such as hostels, books, computers, funds for research etc are already low...increasing the number of seats will drastically cut down the quality of education in these colleges.. all this has been pointed out in numerous articles, by various academicians, administrators of the colleges as well as journalists.. hasnt the govt noticed yet???
shouldnt the level of acheivement depend on the amount of work u put in???? merit should be the sloe consideration for admittance into an educational institution... and to enable that.. we need more schools and schoolteachers who actually teach... reservation is not the right way to change their fortunes...
Monday, May 15, 2006
u can never go home again...
i went to school on tuesday... met most of the teachers... hung out in the bandroom... it really felt like comin home.. i cant tell u how it felt to be back... u know... so much has changed.. n yet everything is almost the same... they've redone the bandroom.. put cupboards in it like the ones in JPSharma sir's room..the old room for learnin instrumental music... for the guitars n stuff..i think anmol sir's taken over the instrumental music bit.. but the orchestra???? i really dont know.. i didnt ask... there was a blackboard n a bulletin board in the band room... which was covered with newspaper clippings n posters etc...it was sooooooooo much fun.. hanging out there again..my haunt for 2 yrs..n yet now i felt like i was in a dream..
soooo many ppl had turned up..my juniors though.. the ones that have just finished with their 12th boards... pallavi batra, abhimanyu, shivang, tamanna, n lots more of their classmates... i'd called sasthi... so we both basically went to hang out in the bandroom again...i took a walk around the building... saw my classes... teachers.. the nooks n corners where i'd stood with frenz n talked..
there was practice for the scholar badge function goin on in the MP hall.... i stood there for a while n nearly started cryin coz it was soooo familiar... n yet i wasnt a part of it anymore...the two choirs... the band, instrumentalists.... madhok maam n surjeet maam n goswami maam n nigam sir n all those students milling around...
i went to the 8th, 9th, 10th wings again... walking along the corridors i'd run thru....laughed n cried in... chatted n argued with my friends in.... so familiar... yet so changed.
soooo many ppl had turned up..my juniors though.. the ones that have just finished with their 12th boards... pallavi batra, abhimanyu, shivang, tamanna, n lots more of their classmates... i'd called sasthi... so we both basically went to hang out in the bandroom again...i took a walk around the building... saw my classes... teachers.. the nooks n corners where i'd stood with frenz n talked..
there was practice for the scholar badge function goin on in the MP hall.... i stood there for a while n nearly started cryin coz it was soooo familiar... n yet i wasnt a part of it anymore...the two choirs... the band, instrumentalists.... madhok maam n surjeet maam n goswami maam n nigam sir n all those students milling around...
i went to the 8th, 9th, 10th wings again... walking along the corridors i'd run thru....laughed n cried in... chatted n argued with my friends in.... so familiar... yet so changed.
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
Sunday, April 30, 2006
another poem by sreyashi....
MEMORY OF LOVE........
I don't know why I thought of u again after so many days,
Its bin long since we both went different ways..
We had never really bin close since the start…
Yet for reasons I could'nt fathom then,
U had always held a special place in my heart…
And therein my feelings lay buried. As I had chosen to do…
Coz I could never muster up courage to express them to you…
Yet those emotions that I had felt for u…
Were the closest I had ever come to fallin in love…
Sumthing, I believed, never happened without,
The nod of approval from sumone above…
Yes, it probably was destiny, or god's will that brought us together,
Although I wish we had remained so forever…
I do not really have a grudge, coz whatever happened,
Or did not happen, whas perhaps meant to be..
And u may have bever realized, but the little time,
I had spent with u, made a world of difference to me…
The child in me grew up to be a girl,
And u kindled a part of my soul, that,
I myself was unfamiliar with, and set it free..
To fly beyond the horizon, into a world
Where boundless happiness waited only for me…
Now u are gone , n I don't know if I'll ever meet u again..
But u have left behind innumerable memories…
of joy..and… maybe a lil pain.
Yes, all those moments, I treasure with great care.
When I waited eagerly to catch a glimpse of u,
Early in the morning,
And the sheer joy and ecstasy of the moment
When I first talked to u…
And I remember, bein in a trance, after that, all day thru..
When a smile from u, or a word of appreciation,
Wud make me feel, as if I were in heaven,
When quite foolishly, every song or poem,
That earlier held not much meanin,
Reminded me of u, whenever I heard them..
And, of course, how do I forget that day,
Which, I knew, was the last one, I was spending with u.
I tried desparately to hold on to time,
But those minutes slipped away slowly…
And the day only left me with an image, that I cud forget never,
The final glimpse that I had caught of u,
That will be etched in my mind forever…
And I stood there alone, oblivious of the milling crowd around me,
With only a feelin of emptiness, knowin that,
It wud be the last of u, I'll ever see…
As I found myself, surrounded by ur thoughts, from all sides,
I realized that memories had a strange way of comin alive,
Try as I may, never to look behind at them,
I'll still encounter them, unexpectedly, and all of a sudden…
In those moments when I walked in thru those bylanes of memories,
In them I experienced nostalgia and solace,
And, when the journey ended, I walked back into the real world.Wiping off a tear that rolled down my face…
I don't know why I thought of u again after so many days,
Its bin long since we both went different ways..
We had never really bin close since the start…
Yet for reasons I could'nt fathom then,
U had always held a special place in my heart…
And therein my feelings lay buried. As I had chosen to do…
Coz I could never muster up courage to express them to you…
Yet those emotions that I had felt for u…
Were the closest I had ever come to fallin in love…
Sumthing, I believed, never happened without,
The nod of approval from sumone above…
Yes, it probably was destiny, or god's will that brought us together,
Although I wish we had remained so forever…
I do not really have a grudge, coz whatever happened,
Or did not happen, whas perhaps meant to be..
And u may have bever realized, but the little time,
I had spent with u, made a world of difference to me…
The child in me grew up to be a girl,
And u kindled a part of my soul, that,
I myself was unfamiliar with, and set it free..
To fly beyond the horizon, into a world
Where boundless happiness waited only for me…
Now u are gone , n I don't know if I'll ever meet u again..
But u have left behind innumerable memories…
of joy..and… maybe a lil pain.
Yes, all those moments, I treasure with great care.
When I waited eagerly to catch a glimpse of u,
Early in the morning,
And the sheer joy and ecstasy of the moment
When I first talked to u…
And I remember, bein in a trance, after that, all day thru..
When a smile from u, or a word of appreciation,
Wud make me feel, as if I were in heaven,
When quite foolishly, every song or poem,
That earlier held not much meanin,
Reminded me of u, whenever I heard them..
And, of course, how do I forget that day,
Which, I knew, was the last one, I was spending with u.
I tried desparately to hold on to time,
But those minutes slipped away slowly…
And the day only left me with an image, that I cud forget never,
The final glimpse that I had caught of u,
That will be etched in my mind forever…
And I stood there alone, oblivious of the milling crowd around me,
With only a feelin of emptiness, knowin that,
It wud be the last of u, I'll ever see…
As I found myself, surrounded by ur thoughts, from all sides,
I realized that memories had a strange way of comin alive,
Try as I may, never to look behind at them,
I'll still encounter them, unexpectedly, and all of a sudden…
In those moments when I walked in thru those bylanes of memories,
In them I experienced nostalgia and solace,
And, when the journey ended, I walked back into the real world.Wiping off a tear that rolled down my face…
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
FAITH
Reading a book can really take u to different worlds….and make u examine ur own heart n mind and soul and faith… n really think about what it all means ….
Ive been reading books that have really forced me to try n figure out what this means to me- soul, faith, god, life, time, love…….. it began really with a bunch of books by Richard Bach that I read… Jonathan Livingstone Seagull, One, bridge across forever…. N then I stumbled upon Paolo Coelho- the alchemist, eleven minutes….. then came the DaVinci Code and Angels & Demons by Dan brown…. N now I’m reading this book by Orhan Pamuk.. Called Snow…
Life, faith, religion, god, love, hope, despair…. What is it really???? What is it that pours into every corner of my heart but try as I may, I cant ever even begin to explain…
God n religion….. Self and soul… does belief in god really need belief in religion??? No… but then what name do u give ur god??? How do u pray???
I’m most comfortable when in my own heart I pray for something… it feels best when I’m not asking god for help but plain courage to help me face all odds…. But then to go to a temple… or chapel n feel that other people are praying with the same faith as you.. gives me a sense of hope… of strength in my own faith… in myself, in the people around me… in god…
I was talking to Ankit bout this…. Bout life n faith n how religion n faith n ur outlook towards life influence u at the oddest moments…he said that he Didn’t quite know if god existed but he believed in his existence.. in the existence of a natural order of things.. he mentioned that whenever he is agitated or worried or restless n can’t sleep.. He chants a mantra…. a prayer a simple prayer bout giving respect to life.. among other things…… and that calms him down… I do that too… chant a simple prayer over and over again… n that soothes me.. makes my mind still enough to focus on what I am doing or have to do…
N then I thought bout what we discussed in Sanskrit class.. While analyzing the 12th chapter of the Bhagavad-Gita… it says that there is no one way of worship… god loves all his devotees alike… even atheists, who believe in doing their duty and in compassion towards all..
I went to a temple after a looooooong time… last I went to a temple was last year.. right after I got my 12th board results.. I went to Tirupati with my family.... I dropped in to the college chapel once in a while…I’ve somehow always believed in solitary prayer… a personal god.. god that pervades everything, every living or nonliving soul… what connects everything to each other…. Like the story of Gaia.. the planet Gaia in the Foundation novels by Isaac Asimov… Gaia… where the planet itself has a soul that’s connected to every being on the planet… it is one… n that’s my idea of God…
To quote Vittoria Vetra in Angels & Demons..: “Science tells me, God must exist, my mind tells me I will never understand God…… And my heart tells me I am not meant to….”
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
HOPE
There is some hope here
not all can be lost forever..
not all can be dead
Hope springs eternal....
From mists of fear and darkness
a tiny point of light...
something always survives..
hope springs eternal.
everything just the same..
just lonliness and pain..
then a bubble of laughter rises
and hope... springs eternal
not all can be lost forever..
not all can be dead
Hope springs eternal....
From mists of fear and darkness
a tiny point of light...
something always survives..
hope springs eternal.
everything just the same..
just lonliness and pain..
then a bubble of laughter rises
and hope... springs eternal
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
a poem
This is a poem my friend sreyashi wrote....... its reallllly good so i wanted to put it up so that ppl could read
I AM WAITING FOR YOU!
Standing at the window side,I gazed at the moonlit sky,A slow breeze blew along,Caressing my face as it passed on.My heart danced with joy,and was filled with an inexplicable delight.My thoughts carried me far away,Far away from the real world.And then i thought about you,I wondered if it is really true,that someone, somewhere is made for you.then why have not i met you yet,But, it's true, that in my dreams i have created,Someone who might be like you,Someone whom i am so eagerly waiting to meet,Who would carry this dreamy teenager off her feet,Someone who would accept me as the way I am,and to my life who would add a new meaning.It's true that i have never met you before,But often I have felt your presence near me.In the early dawn,when the first rays of the sun, brightens up the sky,when the first song of the koel,sitting in the vicinity,so beautifully breaks Nature's serenity,my heart, with delight, soars high,and i can feel you close by!When i dance in the rain,and feel the sprinkle of rain drops on my face,and when the winds whistle past my ear,i cannot help feeling, that you were here.When i walk down the lane, in the evening,and faraway at the horizon,i see the sun setting,when the moon starts peeping,from behing the faint reddish glow of the sky,i find your thoughts encircling,me, from all sides,making me, oblivious of my surroundings.Often i have tried searching for you around me,and felt, i had found you in somebody,Was it truly you , i wonder,or is it because, i feel so strongly for you,that my emotions have overwhelmed me............A sudden gust of cool breeze,pulled me back from my thoughts,i hugged myself tightly,and smiled softly at the stars,Till, someone above, feels,that we are destined to meet,I will wait for you , i certainly will.
I AM WAITING FOR YOU!
Standing at the window side,I gazed at the moonlit sky,A slow breeze blew along,Caressing my face as it passed on.My heart danced with joy,and was filled with an inexplicable delight.My thoughts carried me far away,Far away from the real world.And then i thought about you,I wondered if it is really true,that someone, somewhere is made for you.then why have not i met you yet,But, it's true, that in my dreams i have created,Someone who might be like you,Someone whom i am so eagerly waiting to meet,Who would carry this dreamy teenager off her feet,Someone who would accept me as the way I am,and to my life who would add a new meaning.It's true that i have never met you before,But often I have felt your presence near me.In the early dawn,when the first rays of the sun, brightens up the sky,when the first song of the koel,sitting in the vicinity,so beautifully breaks Nature's serenity,my heart, with delight, soars high,and i can feel you close by!When i dance in the rain,and feel the sprinkle of rain drops on my face,and when the winds whistle past my ear,i cannot help feeling, that you were here.When i walk down the lane, in the evening,and faraway at the horizon,i see the sun setting,when the moon starts peeping,from behing the faint reddish glow of the sky,i find your thoughts encircling,me, from all sides,making me, oblivious of my surroundings.Often i have tried searching for you around me,and felt, i had found you in somebody,Was it truly you , i wonder,or is it because, i feel so strongly for you,that my emotions have overwhelmed me............A sudden gust of cool breeze,pulled me back from my thoughts,i hugged myself tightly,and smiled softly at the stars,Till, someone above, feels,that we are destined to meet,I will wait for you , i certainly will.
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
waiting for something.............
for something to happen.. with bated breath.. don't know what im waiting for.... but waiting just the same...
a smile... a look... a passing glance... a song.. a dream..
whatever it may mean..
a thought, a vision..
excitement... a frission..
atremble with hope..
of what?? dont know.....
Friday, January 13, 2006
ooooohhhhkkkk......
so the jan tests rnt quite wat i thought they'd be.. nah.. im not complainin.. ive had 2 so far.. EI n AIH...AIH was 2day actually.. theyre in a way much easier than i thought they'd be.. though i THINK i messed up a coupla questions... hehehehehe well... watever.. its all okay...
so i have SoFo on 17th.. n then english on 19th.. n then.... IM FREE till the finals in march-april anyway...
well.... wat else.. its really gettting cold here.. who'd have thought that delhi would be getting tempratures as low as 0.2C...!!! god! thats wat happened a coupla days ago... n its supposed to go down again tonight..brrrrrrr.... feeling the cold wind on my face wen im all bundled up is good.. but watll happen to all those ppl who're sleeping on th roads n dont have warm clothes to cover themselves??? its bad enuf even wen im inside the house.........
so i have SoFo on 17th.. n then english on 19th.. n then.... IM FREE till the finals in march-april anyway...
well.... wat else.. its really gettting cold here.. who'd have thought that delhi would be getting tempratures as low as 0.2C...!!! god! thats wat happened a coupla days ago... n its supposed to go down again tonight..brrrrrrr.... feeling the cold wind on my face wen im all bundled up is good.. but watll happen to all those ppl who're sleeping on th roads n dont have warm clothes to cover themselves??? its bad enuf even wen im inside the house.........
Sunday, January 01, 2006
a new day... new year
2006 HAS BEGUN!!!!
happy new year to all those kind souls who bother to actually come read these random rumblings of a 17 yr old...
but not for long... 17 i mean... my 18th birthday is 24th march 2006..legally ill be an adult.. with a right to vote, freedom to drive a car or bike or watever automobile i wish to drive... after learning n getting a licence ofcourse.... so .. ADULTHOOD.. HERE I COME!
happy new year to all those kind souls who bother to actually come read these random rumblings of a 17 yr old...
but not for long... 17 i mean... my 18th birthday is 24th march 2006..legally ill be an adult.. with a right to vote, freedom to drive a car or bike or watever automobile i wish to drive... after learning n getting a licence ofcourse.... so .. ADULTHOOD.. HERE I COME!
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