goodbye decade....

i remember being almost 13 years old and being spooked by the whole Y2K bug rumour.. i remember pressing my nose against the window and looking out as the fireworks celebrated the start of a new millenium..
i can feel the years fold back as i reminisce right now.. i don't even know why i am writing an 'end of the year' kind of blogpost.. but my fingers are dancing around the keyboard and i can hardly stop the process once it begins....
so here's to a farewell to teenage, college, to the beginning of growing up..
to a decade full of experiences who have now made me the woman who will live the next few decades of my life..
to love and laughter and friends.. to tears and bruises and dusting off the mud and getting up again..
to the decade thats gone by and to what i hope will be a new phase of life..

farewell 2010..

and i wish a great new year to everyone!

broken wings

It is for you my love, its all for you..

the blood of my soul

 That spreads from me to you

The pieces of my heart scattered around the courtyard

As I lie dying crushed beneath your love

Its all for you.. only for you…

…………..

It just came to me

Like the remnants of a dream

As I lazed in that half aleep, not quite awake state

Just what is not no matter how much I may want it to be

A brush, dusted off and starting with a clean slate…

its been FIVE years!!!!!!!

I just realised that December 2010 implies that I've been blogging for FIVE YEARS!!!!!

wow.. 

thank you. all those who read my blog and all those who give me reasons to write it (yes even the sad ones) 

                                        I started the blog on 19 December 2005!!!!!
 with this.
and from those silly days of a bored teenager's outpourings.. well.. i still do sound like that sometimes..
thank you for reading and commenting.. and sharing..and not pointing out the hundreds of spelling mistakes that i don't bother to run a mental or computer generated spell- check on!

:)

ostrich feathers

why is it so hard for people to just TALK? does keeping something locked in help anyone? if u not mention it and don't give it conscious thought its not like it goes away.... its just that you bury your head in the sand and can't see whats coming at you..

what do you do when someone you love refuses to accept reality and clings to blind hope? refuses to see whats there just because its not what they want.. because accepting whats there is too painful...

wouldn't the pain go away if you just confront the situation instead of running from it???????

......................................................


i don' t suppose this is precisely the song for the moment but i like it  anyway..


In Too Deep- Sum41

The faster we're falling, 
We're stopping and stalling.
We're running in circles again
Just as things we're looking up
You said it wasn't good enough.
But still we're trying one more time.

Maybe we're just trying to hard. 
When really it's closer than it is too far

Cause I'm in too deep, and I'm trying to keep, 
All the thoughts in my head, instead of going under.
Cause I'm in too deep, and I'm trying to keep, 
All the thoughts in my head, instead of going under.
Instead of going under.

Seems like each time 
I'm with you I loose my mind,
Because I'm bending over backwards to relate.
It's one thing to complain 
But when you're driving me insane
Well then I think it's time that we took a break.

Maybe we're just trying to hard. 
When really it's closer than it is too far

Cause I'm in too deep, and I'm trying to keep, 
All the thoughts in my head, instead of going under.
Cause I'm in too deep, and I'm trying to keep, 
All the thoughts in my head, instead of going under.
Instead of going under.
Instead of going under.

I can't sit back and wonder why.
It took so long for this to die.
And I hate it when you fake it.
You can't hide it you might as well embrace it.
So believe me it's not easy.
It seems that something's telling me,

I'm in too deep, and I'm trying to keep, 
All the thoughts in my head, instead of going under.
Cause I'm in too deep, and I'm trying to keep, 
All the thoughts in my head, instead of going under.
Instead of going under.
instead of going under.

instead of going under again.
instead of going under.
instead of going under again.
instead of going under again.

hey bhagwan utha le!!!

mujhe nahi... ISE utha le :)

So what do you do when a six foot tall strapping young lad gleefully tells you how he can now easily benchpress your weight? You applaud with pride J

And what do you do when that same young lad follows up the description of his gymming with the news that he recently went off to get a manicure, and pedicure, ending with clear nail polish on his prettified nails?

You laugh and you laugh and then you blog about it :D

And NO this guy is not gay or in any way effeminate…

except for the girly giggle in his voice when he tells you

“the nice lady in the salon told me that I have really pretty delicate hands!!!!!!”

:D Handing me ammo I say!!!!!! :D


DISCLAIMER: i have NOTHING against people who love makeup or guys who are into it.. I am not some sexist B#$%# who would downgrade a guy for wanting to look good. I'm also not a closet homophobe. its just that THIS guy, (and i how i regret swearing that i wouldn't reveal his identity) and nailpolish, are too incongruent for me to let it pass without public comment..

bouncing owls :)

i'm so happy i can barely contain my excitement... my sleepy owl of a brother is finally getting married!!! and a love marriage at that.. i can't imagine how my poor bhabi- to- be puts up with him but i'm sooooo happy for both of them that i just had to jump around and tell the world :)

speaking of putting up with crazies... Ati has decided to go gallivanting off out of town to celebrate the approaching end of her college life, using ME as the excuse to her mom who thinks she's spending the night at my house.. when i tried to use elder-sisterly authority to forbid her trip she simply modified her plans to counter all possible objections that i could raise.. and i can hardly stop a 20 year old from doing what she wants as long as she's taking the safe route.. she reminded me of all the silly stunts i've pulled in my college life to counter my "oh its not safe" reasoning.. thank god for friends who graciously stepped in to relieve my fears.. shruti, whose currently studying in that city happily promised to help out if required and AB found a distant cousin who could be approached for help if need be.. ofcourse they both chewed me out for letting her do something that hairbrained.. though AB did agree with ati that i really had no foot to stand on as regarded irresponsible behavior done behind parents' backs... but she is like a kid sister to me and i know i'm gonna be freaking till she gets back to sweet old delhi tomorrow and i can shake her till her bones rattle... 

however.. the fact remains that i am somewhere rather jealous and i wish I could be off doing something that silly.. not to mention the fact that she's gonna see the tajmahal on a misty morning...

siiiiiiiggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.............................

cruel intentions

She comes up the escalator to find him waiting for her at a place he wasn’t supposed to know she’d be…


“I’m impressed.”

He smiles, and takes the step that brings them within touching distance..

“well.. I’m in love”

and they kiss,,,,


I know it’s a stupid movie.. but this has been on my most romantic scenes ever list since I watched Cruel Intentions as an impressionable young teen,,, bad- boy- turned- good.. how much more mills n boon-ey can u get….

faking it

The world is based on lies really
Look around, how many people do you think are there who actually say what they mean and mean what they say..
everyone is constantly faking it.. a smile, concern, interest, pleasure, pressure, involvement, indifference. No one really cares what anyone wants.. but somehow everyone cares what the other person thinks. Everyone wants a good impression. No one wants to be the guy who made a faux pas by actually speaking his mind. .. from the sleep deprived mother who says she’s so happy with her baby to the teenager who fakes love and concern to get laid to the wife who touches her mom in laws feet to the boss who just wants the job done to the husband who really wants some me time to the child who wants some attention to the kid who wants to be left alone... everyone everywhere is just so afraid to say what’s really on their mind.. afraid to face up to what they really feel And i wonder why that is.. even as i follow my fellow beings in this endless deception i wonder why it is this way. Why is it such a crime to want something else? Its so deeply ingrained in us that half our responses are completely automatic. We don’t have to THINK before playing that role no matter how badly we may be chafing inside against the imposition. Not playing that part is somehow tougher than playing a part that you don’t want to play but do it anyway...

hey! i'm still here...

I've been so blank lately that i have to consciously think while i type this... usually this stuff just flows out coz thee are things i wanna get out of my system... this post seemed almost necessary to tell ppl that i'm still here... someone left a comment on my last post recently asking me if i'd shifted my blog somewhere else coz there was nothing new for a while...i havent written in a long time... not just on the blog but anywhere.. haven't so much as filled a page of my diary in a while... lots going on i guess...

1st... i'm addicted to tv... borrowed a 500gb hard drive from a friend and been glued to the laptop for a while.. my dad would probably wanna kill me if he reads this.. but i watched the entire first three seasons of Supernatural.. and i now have only three episodes left on the fourth season... and other assorted movies and tv shows.. this one i mentioned coz its got me so hooked i'm having withdrawal symptoms as i write this... dad's taken the laptop away for the night so i'm on the PC and cannot watch the remaining episodes..

2nd..been spending a lot of time with family.. my babaji (paternal grandfather) passed away two weeks ago.. i cleared out his files a couple of days ago.. he was a criminal lawyer, and as a law student it fell on me to put his papers in order so we could give the appropriate files to the clients... it was weird sorting out his work like that... files and files of cases that have taken him so long to create.. and now i just pulled out his handwritten notes from the files and packed them up for the clients.. the family's spent more time together the last two weeks than we had in ages though... so thats been good... all the cousins and aunts and uncles together... i'd forgotten just how large and noisy my family was..

3rd.. been strangely blank for a while now...i think the love lives of my friends are affecting my moods lately... tiny broke up with her bf, and that was a couple of upsetting days... coz she was rather broken up about the way it ended... Bt has also been having problems with her bf, worst has been that ati's been having a bad time of it n i've been worried about her... heck i see her as a baby sister even though she's 20.. and i do really wanna beat up that idiot boyfriend of hers for making my baby sis cry... but i've pretty much kept out of it except when ati wants to talk..
the only good part is that rave n sj celebrated their anniversary a couple of months ago.. they've gotten closer and stronger as a couple, ofcourse that also means that now when i hang out with them i feel like i'm intruding into eye contact conversations and allusions to stuff others ppl dont know about.. hanging out with a loving couple is a bit hard on a single person.. plus AB n i have been talking a lot lately and that is never really all that good for my sanity..

so thats just about it... a roundup of the thoughts in my head as of rt now... shall put up something better when i get around to writing it...

thank you by the way.. whoever that anonymous commentor was... you made my day.. ppl actually read my blog and wonder when i don't post.. :)

its complicated.

Relationships are weird at this age... in college, you thought that the relationship you’re in would last forever, u do silly things like plan futures.. then reality sets in and u realise that you’ve changed as a person from when things began,.. so things have to end.. and it hurts.. when reality and the future encroach on this idyllic world you’ve built for yourself..

I see far too many unhappy couples around me lately..When reality has begun to make its presence felt.. when career and marriage and future are not abstract anymore but decisions to be taken in the very near future.. when your actions have an impact on the life of the people around you and you’re now grown up enough to see and realise the opportunity cost of living in your dream world...

The thought of the end is terrifying.. coz that person’s been a part of your life for so long.. you’ve grown up together, changed into the person you are now, together.. and suddenly it seems like the fit has gone wrong.. the parts that you played in each other’s life suddenly become unsustainable.. do you cut your losses and run? Or do u fight to keep going when every step gets harder than the last??

And when u come to a place where going ahead seems impossible, you teeter on the brink and wonder which way to go... it’s the hurt and the fear that is uppermost then..  how could this happen? Does this not matter anymore? Why does it feel like i’m the only one who wants this to work?

I also see people who’ve come to terms with what the future will hold... they know that they have to part someday.. and yet the thought of parting now is impossible... ‘we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it”.. and yet they live in the shadow of that inevitable departure.. afraid to make themselves more vulnerable, afraid to leave and start over..

It takes a long time to heal after losing love.. there are things that you cannot bear to do, places you cannot go to, nights that you can’t sleep..

I sat around talking to a friend today who recently broke up with someone after 5 years of being together.. and she says that she doesn’t know how to deal with the loss of a future she had planned with him.. another feels suffocated and neglected in her relationship but doesn’t know how to let go of someone she’s spent years with.. another guy is afraid to acknowledge how much being with this girl means to him because he can’t guarantee that they will survive life after college..yet another can't seem to deal with the drama he went through just a short while ago..

and i find myself wondering where all this heartache stems from.. how does one untangle oneself from the complications and deal with the real issues in life..


how has humanity survived romance this long.........

“Just because you haven’t seen her yet doesn’t mean she isn’t out there... the one you’re meant to be with...”

“I never see anyone but you bella, even when i close my eyes n try to see someone else.. I only see you...”

of perception and zombie cats

"The absence of perception of the counterpositive is a necessary precondition for the perception of the absence of that counterpositive"

It took me about a minute to figure out what that sentence meant... specially since dad quoted it at me in sanskrit and it took a while for me to translate it to english... he had to translate it for me at the end coz both mom n i simply got confused at the sudden flurry of incomprehensible words...

A student of dad’s asked him to teach her darshan shastra- vedantic philosophy. Dad being the practical soul initially refused but then agreed coz his student kept badgering him... now he has had to spend several hours with sentences like these and analysing ancient Indian philosophy.. he is both repelled and fascinated by the sheer vellapanti of philosophy.. coz if u look at it, the sentence above is simply common sense. You have to perceive that something is absent before you KNOW that it is..

Philosophy is such a weird thing... to construct long winded sentences with attendant explanations to say something that is so glaringly obvious that no one ever stops to THINK about it..


Was talking to a friend a couple of days ago about plato’s pholosophy.. specifically his analogy of the ‘cave’.. how perception shapes our worldview.. if you nor anyone else around has ever had to see or experience anything differnt from what everyone else doe sthen you will not have different ideas. You will accept what teh socially sanctioned view is because you don’t know any better and there are no other stimuli affecting your perception...

A few years ago, i was told about a rather facinating theory in quantum physics.. Schroedinger’s cat theorem.. atleast thats how i remember it.. don’t know if it was even the real name.. the essential sense of that theory was that if a cat is kept in a box through which neither the sight not sound of the cat can be perceived, then in a state where it is not known whether that cat is alive or dead, it exists in both states. Effectively, there’s a cat thats both alive and dead..

The absence of perception is essential for the perception of absence of a state...or alternatively, if you don’t know that the thing (that does not exist) does nnot exist, then at that moment is exists for you..

Who the heck comes up with this stuff???????????????????????????

the idea that simply perception through any sense is the reason why things exist in a certain manner for us... it is mind boggling coz its so glaringly obvious.. if one does not know better, one continues to do what one thinks is right... it applies to everything, from seeing that something you kept on the table is not tehre anymore to explaining why people act in an absurd manner... if you have not perceived it though some sense, then it doesnt exist for you...

bin tere.. I hate luv stories...

Hai kya yeh jo tere mere darmiyaan hai
Andekhi ansuni koi dastaan hai
Hai kya yeh jo tere mere darmiyaan hai
Andekhi ansuni koi dastaan hai
Lagne lagi, ab zindagi khaali
Hai meri
Lagne lagi har saans bhi khaali (lost and lonely)
Bin tere, bin tere, bin tere (lost and lonely)
Koi khalish hai hawayon mein bin tere (lost and lonely)
Bin tere, bin tere, bin tere (lost and lonely)
Koi khalish hai hawayon mein bin tere (lost and lonely)

Ajnabi se huye kyun pal saare
Yeh nazar se nazar yeh milaate hi nahin
Ik gani dehaayi cha gayi hai
Manzilein raaston mein hi gum hone lagi
Ho gayi ansuni har dua ab meri
Reh gayi ankahi bin tere (lost and lonely)
Bin tere, bin tere, bin tere (lost and lonely)
Koi khalish hai hawayon mein bin tere (lost and lonely)
Bin tere, bin tere, bin tere (lost and lonely)
Koi khalish hai hawayon mein bin tere (lost and lonely)

Raah mein roshni ni hai kyun haath choda
Iss taraf shaam ne kyun hai apna muh moda
Yun ke har subah ik bereham si baat ban gayi
Hai kya yeh jo tere mere darmiyaan hai
Andekhi ansuni koi dastaan hai
Lagne lagi, ab zindagi khaali khaali
Lagne lagi har saans bhi khaali (lost and lonely)
Bin tere, bin tere, bin tere (lost and lonely)
Koi khalish hai hawayon mein bin tere (lost and lonely)
Bin tere, bin tere, bin tere (lost and lonely)
Koi khalish hai hawayon mein bin tere (lost and lonely)
Bin tere, bin tere, bin tere (lost and lonely)
Koi khalish hai hawayon mein bin tere ..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5zRLOWmSTdE

running away...

“shit yaar.. mujhe bhi lagni chahiye thi... then u remember it.. yaad rehta ki hum ghar se bhage they....” 

this was ati’s statement once we were safely ensconced in my room and i was done putting band aids on my shredded wrist...

She’s spending the night at my house.. and in the middle of the night her sudden hankering for adventure had us doing something i’d never thought i’d do.. attempt to sneak out of the house at night.

 (background: For several years now, i’ve been living in a 90 year old- british era house which has a gorgeous lawn all around and a courtyard into which the living area opens.. it also has ornate grills on the huge picture windows and no access to the roof.. basically at night its a fortress with high unjumpable walls and barbed wire on top of the roof and all that jazz... the doors are heavy, old wood or metal that creak like a demon’s wail if u try to open or close them...

 the point is... i’ve never been able to sneak out at night....)

tonight, with the streetlight throwing ghostly shadows on the roof and our neighbour’s cats mewling up a storm.. we sneaked out to the verandah through the bathroom window and climbed up to the roof.. with the help of a window grill and my pushing her butt up as she clung to a water pipe in an attempt to hoist herself up...

 i shimmied up a water pipe, sat on the roof and watched the cars fly past on the tree lined road.. all the while praying that parents wouldn’t wake up/hear the crunch of our feet on the roof/otherwise decide to check on us in my room... it’s SCARY how the night light left on in the lobby looks through the mesh on the window specially when seen from the roof on the other side of the house..

oh and before i forget, we also arranged piles of my clothes under bedcovers to make it look like we were sleeping incase mom woke up to check on us in the duration of out adventure...

so we reached the roof and spent the next 15 mins arguing over an exit point... once we did get to the roof, i remembered exactly why i’d never done this before.. my spatial sense being the holy mess that it is... standing on the roof and looking down is really something that gives me the heebie jeebies.. i’ve looked down from tall buildings and high mountains and other assorted high places... but the roof in the middle of the night scares me silly...

she wanted to jump down from the roof, quite an easy jump.. for a cat or a monkey or someone with wolverine’s prowess and powers of regeneration..

while ati wanted to jump/climb/use a ladder off the roof, i exercised my authority as the elder and more mature of the pair to forbid any such acts.. my declaration was greeted by a resounding cry of despair from my beloved partner in crime who accused me of being a coward though i was merely exercising my judgment and enforcing the aforementioned authority..

and that too using that authority to say no to a scheme of jumping down a 17 foot high roof to brick pavement below..

then she dropped the idea.. because her boyfriend called n she happily settled down to talk to him while i enjoyed the quiet serenity of the night..

getting back down was another challenge.. i ended up hanging half off the edge and scraping off the skin on my wrist as i swung my body down.. she had an easier time of it than i did.. probably coz i was again standing below her offering her my shoulder or hand to use as a foothold..

so we giggled back to my room where i’m now all band aided and writing this story while she preens in front of the mirror... and she's telling me off for not letting her have the adventure she wanted..




.................................
on a completely unrelated note... i'm in LOVE withe the song bin tere from i hate luv storeys.. the longing in it is palpable.


..... ADDED
she woke up this morning to discover that she has also scratched her wrist in the little bout of climbing (as opposed to being pushed from below by me) nowhere near the gash on mine, but she thinks its fun.. i'm currently looking around for a psychiatrist.. :)

silence

Re-reading  Urvashi Butalia’s ‘The other Side of Silence’... actually reading sections i hadn’t earlier.. this book is part of the reason i have been tempted to take up law and do something to help victims of abuse and violence..  but thats not what i want to talk about right now..

So many were killed in the name of partition, hatred, religion.. as someone who is more than 40 years removed from the horrors, for someone whose family stayed more or less safe in delhi and someone who has never heard personalised stories of the partition or even of the ’84 riots.. its incomprehensible to me how ordinary people can be capable of such bestial acts of violence..

How is it that people live with themselves after having taken someone’s life...

There have been so many episodes of violence in India during the short span of my life.. and sitting in my protected space in Delhi i’m so far removed from it all that i can’t even begin to understand how people change into animals.. how an idea becomes more important than humanity and life...

I’m surrounded by insulated intellectuals.. people of middle and upper middle cass origins who have stayed within the cocoon of their own circles through teh upheavals...

My grandfather tells me how during teh independence movement he and his brothers, young school students then, would carry around messages and stick posters on walls.. my grandmother has stories to tell of the great -great- grand-somebody who was beheaded and his head stuck on a pike outside the thana after the 1857 revolt.. nani’s family had to run away from lahore.. they never knew of what happened to their things that were left behind.. and yet they escaped the kind of violence Butalia and others have described as the most commonplace occurrence during partition.. my father tells me of the refugee camps he and his friends helped manage after the ’84 riots and how bad the situation was.. and yet none of them were really THERE.. they came before or after the tremors subsided.. they helped clean up and bandage the hurt people... they don’t have personal stories to tell because they were spectators,... just like i am..

And in my selfishness i thank god for that sometimes.. for being away from the horrors.. for having an open, intellectual background where my family does not have bitter recollections of violence perpetrated against or by them.. they have stories of hope and rebuilding, of helping and human charity after the storm has passed...

How is it, why is it that throughout history, the women have borne the brunt of men’s ‘honour’? that it is the women who are abducted, raped, paraded, beaten, all for the sake of a group identity and honour.. stripping teh honour of another group almost always involved subjecting their women to some kind of violence while the men were renedered unable to defend them..

I understand the basic animal instinct underneath it.. that it is the women who create the next generation, physical and mental control over women automatically translates to control over the coming generations..

What i fail to understand is how has this gone on for so long in this so called civilsed society? That even today, the first signs of violence are marked on women and children.. i think not just about the partition because that was something dealt with by a previous generation. My incomprehension is about whats happening today.. Honour killings, forced marriages, seclusion, violence against women who choose to step out of the home for anything.. 

insomnia

when you're with someone you want space for yourself.. when that person is not around you have trouble sleeping without hearing their voice...
its the wisdom of the ages.. which rave learnt today...

feminism...

whats feminism?? trying to prove that we're as good as them or accepting that we're different and there is simply no comparison  between the two sexes?
i had to answer a questionnaire on feminism and activism today.. and can't stop thinking about the questions it asked and the semi-articulate answers i've given..

am i a feminist?
not if feminism means that i have to strive to prove that i'm 'as good as' a guy..
yes if it means that i proudly proclaim that i am what i am and those who want someone else can eff off...

what is feminism though? the bra- burning, 'we can do anything you can' brigade is one side, the calm, stoic female boss who tells her male colleagues to look at her face when she talks and not a few inches below it is another..the young bride to be who turns away a baraat because the groom's parents humiliated her own is yet another, the young mother who walks out on a marriage with children in tow rather than suffer abuse is also one, as is the angry fighter who takes on chauvinist ideas and idealists intellectually and physically..

but there is the young woman, who left her career because she got married, who covers her head and touches her in-laws' feet, who cooks and minds the kids and keeps the perfect house, who defers to parents and husband... is she too a feminist if she brooks no argument when it comes to sending her daughter to school? if she raises her children to treat everyone as equals and to never believe that any of them is inferior to the other?
is one who wants to raise a family and doesn't mind putting her career on hold a feminist if she decides this on  her own as opposed to having been dictated to?
is one who accepts that going out late at night in a city like Delhi is unsafe an anti- feminist?

is one not a feminist if one refuses to join a march opposing violence against women?

is the hijab- clad woman in france who argues that she wears the veil as a symbol of her faith and not because of a diktat a feminist?
is the girl who wants to elope and marry the man SHE wants a feminist?
is one who enjoys dressing up, who wants male attention and approval a blot on the feminist sisterhood?

is one who believes that election quotas for women are simply eyewash striking a blow against women?
how do you define feminism?

i dont quite care about what roles are 'good' for a good girl or a devoted feminist.. i'm equally at home in a sari and in my own skin...
for me, the assertion of identity depends more on the intellect than on the physical structure of one's genitalia..

am i a feminist?? or am i just clueless about gender roles in this world..

to my favourite couple...

i've admired you both for a long time now because you showed me something incredible about love.. u reaffirmed what i'd learnt in my own disaster of a relationship.. that you must put friendship over coupledom.. that telling each other everything created a level of understanding that no storms could shake...
i learnt it the hard way.. that if you keep something hidden away it can become a festering sore that affects everything thats good in the relationship and in life..
it was when i saw you two tell each other everything, expose your silliest and weakest and most vulnerable to each other that i realised that it was infact possible to be opposites and yet work out harmoniously... you could say anything to each other, including telling each other when you didn't want the other to be around..
that honesty and trust was the bedrock of it all i always knew.. i didn't quite know how it could be managed till i saw you two together...

and yet today i see you unhappy.. and it breaks my heart.. that two people who i thought shared everything no longer have the words to express themselves..

i love you both very much.. and i hope you find your rythm again..

inspired by tinni's photograph..

I’m not sure if i’m dreaming or i’m awake.. it feels like a dream.. or a barely remembered memory.. maybe it is the flickering yellow bulb on the streetlight that throws shadows across the narrow lane i’m standing in.... the wall to one side looks like a corridor i’ve walked own many a times.. to the left is a blank wall i’ve never seen.. The end of the lane is bathed in shadows.. i know i’m meant to walk further and yet my fear of the dark holds me back.. even in the half asleep daze that clouds my eyes i can see that the darkness if the lane deepens ahead into what must be a doorway.. i have to walk through it,.. HAVE to get to it.. across the recesses in the walls beside me that i know someone or something awaits me in...


at the weirdest of times, the lyric of an avril lavigne song come to my head.. ‘Sometimes i get so weird, i even freak myself out...’ i laugh at my silliness.. Its weird how i have a song in my head ALL the time.. even now, when i stand atremble facing this dark narrow alley..

Is it a metaphor for my life? Or is it just another strange and beautiful sight like the millions i ignore every day.. the flickering ochre of the grimy bulb seems to follow m footsteps.. as far as i have walked, the light’s shines right at my feet turning the far end of the lane to mysterious shadows.. i can just discern the doorway because it’s a darker black than the shadows that surround it...

Something glints in the half- light..

Is that a bar on that doorway? I force my numbed eyes to look, squint into the gloom.. maybe, maybe not... damn that phrase seems to be the definition of my life lately..

But no worries.. there’s the alley, there’s me.. and there’s that shadow within the shadows that i know i’m walking towards through the deepening gloom..

wealth of comments

watching the news the last few days has been like gupta sir's labour law classes.. the entire discussion gets repeated in every class till u can almost predict the next sentence.. the commonwealth games discussion on the news channels has gotten to THAT level of repetitive..

raat yeh bhi guzar jayegi...

a song for every mood rt........?

एक वो दिन भी थे
एक यह दिन भी है
एक वो रात थी
एक यह रात है
रात यह भी गुज़र जाएगी
रात यह भी गुज़र जाएगी
..........................................
there will be a day that we will look back and laugh at how childish we were.. that we believed in fairytales and angels and stories of forevermore.. we will look back at what we thought was the end of life.. at what we didnt think we'd survive.. and realise that Oliver was wrong after all..
you don't just survive, you LIVE
all you have to do is try.

hiding

sometimes you really want to take a step.. but you cant even quite explain to yourself why you don't...
murphy won't dog every step i take will he??

i need something new

just how many times is it possible to pick up and re-read a book thats been read and closed already..

closed chapters, turned pages
arrows shot and bullets fired
words spoken, moments lost

you can really never go back to some things..

history repeats itself..
the fact that the statement is true scares the bejeezus out of me...

death of romance

“Those who can’t do, teach, and those who can’t wed, Plan”..  said Jennifer Lopez in the Wedding Planner.. but what do you do when you get the most impossible people to plan for????

Since the demise of romance from my life ive taken vicarious pleasure from my friends’ love lives.. playing agony aunt, messenger and on occasion couple counsellor.. yes i know, i don’t have a life... thank you very much for noticing. But this rant isn’t so much about me as about a certain stubborn ass idiot who has been chucking all my planning to the bin...

I have a dear friend who is about to reach a milestone in his relationship.. and he’s asked me to help him with ideas for D Day.. i’ve been pulling out everything i’ve got.. and yet.. nada. 
The boy likes NOTHING! 
I mean.. every single idea i have is either too cheesy or too boring or silly or expensive or plain too much trouble...

 ive suggested everything from a simple bouquet (too cheesy) to a full blown grand meal for two at a nearby resort (too far to drive) i’m so out of ideas and out of temper! I’ve dug through memory and movies and conversations and plain logic of eliminating everything they’ve already done.. and every conversation ends with me going %^&$%&^£$%$% and him going.. “c’mon you’re my friend you have got to help me out here”

i wanna shoot him! Or tell his girlfriend that she’s dating an imbecile! 

ajeeb dastan hai yeh...

its weird how life can simply keep curving in on itself till you feel like you're caught in a never ending loop..
this year was supposed to be different..and yet it is uncannily the same.. confusion and acrimony, fights, sleepless nights, indecipherable signals, boredom and lack of direction..

but my life seems so different on the face of it..

................................

so here's the things i WANT to accomplish this year.

1. go for an international moot.. even if we just do the regional rounds for lack of money.
2. sleep without first needing to shut my body down with physical exhaustion.
3. go for a trip with friends
4. get my family to go for a day out without any dramas involved
5. get an article published in a legal journal.
6. stop living in the past.

things change.. things end, things begin.. what you once thought was gospel truth shows grey in the light of a new day.. where there was a void a seed sprouts..
days and months and years pass.. yet when i look in the looking glass
all i see is a little girl looking
for something thats changed

life can sometimes just BE.. when you're not really paying attention something momentous happens and all you can really do is deal with the curveball.. or accept the gift.

yeh lamhaa jee lene de...

Ai zindagi yeh lamha jee lene de…

Pehle se likha.. kuch bhi nahi.. roz naya kuch likhti hai tu…

Jo bhi likha hai dil se jiya hai yeh lamha… filhaal jee lene de…

I want it all.. I guess I really do

The chance to dream, to fly, to experience life as I’ve never known..

Maybe I just don’t know who I am anymore… maybe things will just snap back into place as suddenly as they fell into disarray..

Who knows where life can take us.. who ever knows whats coming next.. its all we can ever do to live the moments that we’re allowed…

HOLY COW! gai machchi kaise kha sakti hai?????

in the throes of laughter with friends with the haze of cigarette smoke clouding my eyes.. sitting on a stone chabutara at D-school on a rather lovely cloudy afternoon.. i saw something rather startling today...
a cow munching on a fish carcass..
or so the caption beneath the picture says...


i think i laughed for about 10 minutes post which we had a rather lively discussion about why the holy being descended to that level.. in CAPITAL letters below a half page sized picture of a cow with a wierd looking brown thing in its mouth, was captioned thus

A COW feeding on a carcass of a "magur"(a black african fish) from the dried lake bed in Sultanpur bird sanctuary near Delhi. The lake is lifeline of the sanctuary's avian and aquatic residents and is also home to bluebulls and blackbucks. (sic)

a bigger red coloured tag under the picture said "DRY DAZE"

so we all had a merry debate on whether my confusion was an unwelcome comment on the freedom of choice of food for an independent-minded cow.
or if its now going to be acceptable for devoutly vegetarian Hindus to eat fish because gau- mata has been seen to be enjoying a machchi..
whether the photographer had simply gotten the wrong idea and the conscientious cow was merely carrying away the abandoned dead body of the fish to a final resting place.

the jury's still out, and my friends have threatened violence if i continue to talk about this picture. hence the blogpost.


my apologies to tiny, rave, sj, shru n bt... i can just NOT get over the sheer wierdness of that picture.

my apologies to any hapless readers patient enough to sit down n read this entire thing without being able to see the picture thats got me so confused.. you will have to wait a few days for my PC to start working coz as usual i'm using the college comps... you could ofcourse buy/borrow/steal the India Today July 5 edition and turn to page 13 to see what the fuss is all about.

unfinished...

"i feel like talking.. thats why i called"
"just like that? "
"yeah.. if.. thats okay"
"uh.. yeah ofcourse.. i mean.."
"oh.. u were busy.. sorry.. i'll let you get back to your work..."

dial tone..

"damn... why didnt i just be civil?? i didnt have to talk to her.. annoying woman that she is.. anyway.. tonnes of work.. damn it.."
.......
rriiiinnnggg
her again? uggh...
"hello?"
"hello? hi do you know who this phone belongs to?? "
the voice was male.. a guy??? on her phone??
"umm.. who is this?"
"you are the last dialled number on this phone.. do you know who this phone belongs to??"
the voice sounded unnaturally loud.. she could also hear traffic in the background..
"er.. yes i do know her. but who are you and what are you doing with her phone??"
"i... i. need help.. this girl just almost jumped in front of my car.. i'm calling from _____ i'm taking her to teh hospital right now. can you please inform her family??? her screen smashed so i cant find any other numbers..."
"oh.. uh.. i .. yes i will. what hospital will you take her to?"

she stared at the phone for a few seconds once she hung up.. contact the family? she knew of teh family surely.. they'd been friends for a while.. surely someone would know.. she called other friends..
"do u know ____'s home number?? she just had an accident.."
"no.. maybe __ does.."
"can you call around and check with others??"
"'kay"
...........

why she was at the hospital she didnt quite know.. perhaps because she'd been the last to have heard from her. it had been a harrowing few hours.. family had been traced.. called. it had been a wierd call to make..

she was finally awake..
"hey.. how are you feeling?" thats such an inane question.. why did i even say that?
she started crying...
"i 'm sorry for all that trouble.. i didnt know what else to do... just felt like i couldnt live anymore.. there was no one who would care.. so.."

wait.. WHAT are you trying to say?? you actually jumped on that road?  it really wasn't an accident?

the way we are

I didn’t cook anything today.. went out for lunch with school friends though.. and were badly duped by our favorite watering hole because even after three whiskeys and a tequila shot, all of us walked out of there with just a slight buzz… either we’ve all suddenly developed a very very high tolerance or they ripped us off and gave us cheap useless alcohol for the price of the good stuff…


That apart.. it was great to meet old friends after a long separation.. i hadnt realised how much i'd missed them, how much fun we all really have taking each other's trip..

AND.. i wrote this while waiting for them to show up...





serendipity

We’re occupying lonely chairs on opposite corners of the little café.. seated on tables that were designed for more than one person.. my ipod plugged into my ears, your cellphone glued to yours..we ‘re waiting for someone.. someone important enough in our individual lives for us to wait long enough for the slow café staff to take our orders, we nurse our coffees as we wait..

I don’t know you.. I can’t even quite see you because my spectacles are lazing on the table next to my cellphone. And the chance glance of yours towards me as I look around the busy café sends me into a storybook world..

The story set in a little café in a metro station.. much like this one.. two people, both alone, absorbed in their own worlds, and a chance encounter..

One of us seated alone at a table meant for many more… a sea of people.. every other table occupied by others trying to escape the sweltering heat outside for a few more minutes.. the other enters, flushed with the heat that the metro’s air conditioners have yet to dissipate…

“excuse me.. do you mind if I sit here if this chair is unoccupied?” a polite question, answered by a nod. The eyes are absorbed in the book that hides the reader from the world..

The chair scrapes against the floor, a rustle of paper.. two strangers sharing a table, oblivious to each other’s presence. Lost in the stories that are being played out on the pages they hold. Their own story on hold…

The waiter delivers the order, concentration broken, they both look up, meet each other’s eyes.. exchange a tentative smile..

“ I read the one you’re reading just last week,, this author’s great isn’t he?”

“likewise” comes the smiling reply, both are reading the same author..

“have you read xyz by the same author?”

“not yet.. I’m going to finish this first and maybe re-read the one you have.. its really good”

The book, the author, the café, the drinks.. the universe conspires to grant them topics of conversation… they soon know each other’s favorite books, fav author, music, films, what the other has had to face in the course of the day.. what the other hopes to accomplish.. they chat with the ease of people who have known each other forever.. who know each other inside and out… their thoughts compliment and mesh together..

And then the flow gets interrupted.. the wait that had them both feel alone is over, the ones they were waiting for come in… but neither recalls the wait anymore…. The time has passed quicker than they imagined..

Hey! You’re here already!”

“sorry to keep you waiting..”

This is my friend abc.. and this is…”

You fumble as you realize that we know everything about each other but you don’t know my name and I don’t know yours.

We grin and introduce ourselves... for a second there we had forgotten we were strangers..

We exchange polite goodbyes then.. the ease of conversation has given way to awkwardness that the realization brings..

Be both get up and start walking towards the door with our companions.. turn in different directions at the door… and then turn around to each other again…

“are you on facebook?”

“We can chat online if that’s okay with you..”

A smile exchanged, “yes..”

“talk to you soon then.”

food and football

last night's England- Algeria match was so boring that not just i, but the four boys ranging from ages 14-20 who were watching also fell asleep midway through it.

the house is unusually noisy this weekend... both my mausis are here for the day and one of them has brought her two kids with her.. so now i have FOUR brats annoying me for the weekend. thankfully one of them is nearly 20 and therefore less inclined to come and bug his elder sister..


................

other than that... i made pasta and potatoes in dahi-and-pudina for dinner yesterday... everyone said it was really good :)

fire

Pain just licking the edges of my consciousness..


like the rough almost rash left behind on my soft skin from the stubble on his jaw... took me back to the crazy days we’d shared as children... competing against each other.. I determined to not let my femininity get in the way of the prize.. he equally determined to show me that he was better than me at just about anything.. we’d climb and race and wrestle and shout our way across the day.. and at the end, both exhausted curl up in each other’s arms till parents’ calls could no longer be ignored..

Then we’d have to face the anger that came forth from the deepest set fears of parents.. an anger that masked their deep rooted concern for our “future”.. in any other scenario we would have been betrothed as children.. maybe even married off and then left to compete in our childish games… maybe.. but then I would have had to be confined as only the married girls are.. I couldn’t have competed against or sworn at my husband.. but I digress..

As I said… maybe they would have gotten us married just to get rid of their worries about where we were or what we could get upto while playing unsupervised… but ofcourse they couldn’t.. we belonged to the same gotra.. we lived next door to each other in the same village.. the khap had forbidden us to be anything but playmates… our parents knew that well… they had watched peers being strung up in the banyan tree near the khap meeting place.. they had watched children of forbidden marriages grow up as orphan beggars on the streets of the village.. they wouldn’t have dared think about our marriage..



But we did..

As the games of childhood grew into desires of adolescence.. as we began to really see how different our bodies were.. a difference that excited us, enticed us… we fell in lust just as easily as we’d loved each other.. I was his life, he was mine... there was never a thought of any other for us.. whenever I was teased about going to my sasural.. I always thought of the door of his house opening to welcome me.. he only ever dreamed of me bringing him rotis and lassi on a hot day in the field..

The groves that had seen many a game of hide and seek also gave us a place where we hid from the rest of the world and spun our own dreams..



Till one day they saw us…

And all hell broke lose..

My parents promised that I would be married off outside the village within a month.. that was the only reason the khap didn’t cut us into pieces right there in the grove.. I had besmirched the family honour, they said.. only my father somehow insisted that killing me would not clear his name.. his stand against the village then was how my life didn’t end that day..

I pleaded and cried… from next door I could hear the echo of the same whipping stick- sound.. almost as if they both rose and fell in a rhythm with each other.. in the dead of the night I heard his broken whispers at my window.. how he had been left loose I don’t know.. I had been fettered to the wooden beam by the same thick rope that bound the big bull in his pen… he managed to crawl in undetected.. maybe the gods smiled upon us just then.. we crept away with the sunrise…

The tortuous trek to the police post 15 miles away, and then two days of pleading with the sahib there that we knew what we were asking for, that we were both old enough.. they told us to stay near the police station and not even try to contact our families if we wanted to live.. we took the blessings of the babu- sahib who sat in the courthouse to marry..



And then the gods stopped smiling.. a member of the khap saw him and guessed I would be where he was.. the mob descended on out little hut with the setting sun…and they set fire to it.. I was inside… he was dragged outside to be beaten and to watch as I burned.. we wouldn’t be allowed to die together… we couldn’t burn in the same pyre.. I watched from behind flaming walls as they sheathed their swords in his body…

as he fell to the ground and blood began to run… they spat at the spreading stream and began to walk away..

And he stirred.. silent, watching for their return.. and then he crawled into the flames to me.. I pushed with all my strength till the chair that was my captor fell to its side and I could drag it on the ground..

We managed to be in the same pyre… they wouldn’t be able to separate us now..

I smiled at him as the sting from the fire turned into a raging burn… our eyes never left each other.. with my last breath I told him I loved him.. and gave myself over to the darkness that would deliver us from the fear we had lived under forever..

whn you say nothing at all

We all grapple with strange thoughts every single day. Sometimes what is in our mind overwhelms rationality and leaves us vulnerable, weak and hurt. Sometimes rationality, cold calculation, Knowledge wins and no matter what curveballs get hit our way we manage to get past them.


Sometimes we get hit. We get hurt. Things are simply too much. Too many thoughts, memories,, opinions words, acts, images sounds fighting for space in our head and the incoherence is frightening. And sometimes its patters that make us cower.

The mind has got to be the most fearsome thing ever created by the hand of god or man. Nothing comes close to what our own mind can evoke to leave us cowering and defeated even before anything actually happens. Or after something has happened and we need to gather ourselves and get up, but the mind holds us captive. Shattered on the ground and unable to so much as try to put the pieces together.

Sometimes it takes sheer willpower to get up. Conscious mind over unconscious thought. You MAKE yourself get up even when you think there is nothing left. You make yourself walk when everything has given out. Life then becomes a breath, a step, the swift intake of breath after a sob has escaped. A tear wiped, a moan swallowed, a footstep towards reclaiming the broken pieces of your self, putting them together is the goal you work towards..

sometimes you find yourself stepping off the edge of a cliff.. into the unknown, burning all figurative bridges behind you. No going back. No matter how much you may want to, no matter how dark the path ahead is. You make yourself move ahead. No going back to what once was, what things can never again be

But some memories and images and sounds still follow you.. scents, sense, touch, feel, things evoke memories, and our mind is just so good at running away from us.. running across worn out paths that we walked over once, tugging us to the imprints we left there..

You can never go back, imprints are too deeply etched, things cannot be undone… and yet your mind tells you that it might happen… so you put all your might behind that might… behind that which might not.. and at the end you’re left fighting shadows and flickers.

Sometimes your mind will not let you not revisit a time from which you’ve come away.. There’s nothing left but memory.. but memory is a powerful thing.

………………………………………………….

On a completely unrelated note.. I made a paneer dish again for dinner... something called “embassy paneer” that I got off the Amul website. It was nice overall, but I put too little salt in it.

also, I would put my neck on the line and say this.. I don’t care how cute or good Messi is.. Kaka is HOT!

i got a feeling...

Maybe I should do a food blog kind of thing a la Julie and Julia… now that there’s a laptop in the house.. I cannot take it to the level that Julie did ofcourse but I could actually do this for a couple of weeks… since I have nothing else to do for the month but play housemaid till courts reopen in July…


So thanks to the handy little laptop, I happily looked up a recipe online and sat the laptop down in the kitchen and reread the recipe as many times as I needed till the dish got done..

I made dahi- chicken a couple of days ago... and today I just got done making paneer kofta… n rt now I have a “cooking feeling”… like I WANT to experiment and make new things…

the brats went off to stay at grandparents' for a couple of days and the house has been sooo quiet that i can hear my heartbeat… plus I’m bored and cooking gives me something satisfying to do…

can anyone recommend some nice dishes that are also not terribly difficult??
 
i wanna try as many kinds of things as i possibly can in the next 15 odd days.. not just north indian standards.. but other random stuff..
 
i looked up the kofta recipe on Indianfoodforever.com.. hope it tastes as nice as it looks.. dad and the boys should be back for dinner tonight...

no surprise

it was on april 22 that i wrote the most sensible post of the year...

some things cannot be recycled or reused..

i tried to be melanie.. but i could never even be scarlett..

i should really stop trying to live in storybooks... its been a long time since i gave up on a storybook romance.. maybe its time i gave up on a novel- worthy comeback as well..

things happen when they have to happen.. you can't hold on to something broken and believe that it'll get back to its unspoiled beautiful self...
or even taht if you try enough you'll reassemble it into some other beautiful thing... whats broken remains so..


......................
i have a scar on my waist... its a puckered little reminder of a cycling accident as an 8 year old..
some scars never fade.. this is one of them.... its something to learn from.

i have several scars as a matter of fact.. comes with a lifetime of clumsiness... falling off slides, on rocks, baching bicycles into buildings, falling off tree branches banging against doors.. been there, done that, carry the mark of..

and every one of them reminds me of a time when doing something that was "a good idea at the time" can lead to both laughter and pain.

there's a lot that happens in life that makes NO sense whatsoever... but feels damn good..
unfortunately.. today's not quite what i would want put in that category...

i REALLY need better things to do in life than overanalyse n crib..

i'm not that pesky little kid you took care of... i grew up. can you please deal with it like a grown up

it really hurts when the person because of whom you have been put in fetters says that being restricted is a good thing... that the outside world is not safe enough for you.... when each time you try to loosen your chains they are tightened because of the enduring spectre of THAT person..

i know its stupid to resent someone who never knew what havoc their behaviour might cause.... who genuinely thinks that the same fetters they broke in their bid to live would keep someone else safe and happy.. its even more ridiculous however, to have kept well within lines and done everything expected of you.. and then be denied the power to take decisions that affect no one but yourself... its downright hurts when you comply with every valid and stupid restriction far beyond the age where anyone less compliant would and did, and yet you're tarred with the brush of rebellion when all you want is to be recognised as a thinking person in your own right...

i suppose it would be a bit counterproductive to quote britney spears of all the people after saying that i am too old to be controlled, but this song says it all..

i'm not a girl
there is no need to protect me..
........

ive seen so much more than you know now.. and thats why it seems to me...
i'm not a girl.

bummer

at home and wondering what to do.. now that my "dreamy" internship has fallen through..
guess this is the last time i'm gonna let the "adults" of my family take work- related decisions for me... i'd say decisions in general but that is something i know i'm too much of a chicken to do.. plus they ARE my parents and need to have some authority in my life..

blah di blah blah...

i guess i'm gonna spend june holed up in my room cursing the sun after all.. :(

who dunnit

there's a contest on http://www.blogadda.com/ to solve a mystery story..  its been written by Ajay Nair ( http://www.ajaynair.wordpress.com/ )

OH and i hope the blogadda people would forgive me but i couldn't figure out how to add a picture from Pringoo..
so here's my take:


The most obvious interpretation would be that Lila committed suicide and orchestrated the whole charade of the party to get revenge for having tried to kill her in the past.. but I don’t think its that easy..


I think it was SIA…

Though the author thought that sia had escaped lila, she never had. Sia must have had to suffer the most from lila’s actions. It must have rankled in sia’s mind that lila’s life threatening disease got her undeserved sympathy..

As for the ‘how”… The story doesn’t mention how lila actually dies..

The ‘strange misshapen beads’ could be part of a bracelet that sia wore, and one of them was a capsule of poison.. when sia went in to see lila, she, like the author, must have expected an apology for all the damage caused over the years. Lila must have offered sia some tea as well, which she pretended to drink and then pretended to throw up..

while she did that.. she would have broken the bracelet and taken out the poison capsule..

She came out of the bathroom and accused lila of trying to poison her..

As she did that, she also slipped the poison capsule into the tea. Lila protested that she had not done any such thing, so sia asked her to drink that tea. Lila drank it and then sia took out the armband from her purse, and threw it at lila saying that she did not want to even keep her memento.
The bejeweled case had contained the bullet which R had used on her. Sia opened the case and emptied its contents, reminding lila that at the end she was left with no one who cared about her.

Sia came out of the room crying in anger.. Lila may not have cared to apologise for her actions but sia’s outburst had made her afraid of similar words from others.. that was the reason for her awkward behavior.

By the time everyone was ready to leave, lila could feel the effects of the poison… she felt hot and nauseous so she took off her scarf and threw it on the bed. Then she saw the cup and realized what had happened. She dropped the cup and fell onto the bed, her body pushing the scarf under the pillow...

Someone had killed her, “after all these years”.

newton's fourth law

"A guy can never like you as a friend unless he sees you as a prospective girlfriend"
"A boy and a girl can never be just friends"
unless, reads the disclaimer, either one or both of them are committed to other people OR the guy is gay...

this is the law put forth in 'when Harry met Sally', AND explained to me again today by a rather exasperated tinni after reading the last few entries on my blog...

here's the scenario.. a girl and a guy have been friends for a long time.. the girl is dating some other guy, the guy is/isn't.. immaterial to the question really... they're friends.. they hang out together, they've met each other's "other halves" etc... eventually both break up with the person they've been with.. and continue to be friends.. and suddenly, out of the blue, the guy pipes up with a .. "you know.. i've wanted to ask you out for a while now" and the girl is left wondering.. %^&$%^&*&*%$%$%???????

i ask you, dear readers... WHY are men so ridiculously complicated to understand?? is it really that impossible for a guy to have a friend who is good looking, easy to talk to, single and female.. and NOT harbour 'not all that friend-like' thoughts for her??
is it true for all men?? or just 20 something idiots who have suddenly realised that the pal they've been hanging out with is of the opposite sex...
u know the previous line doesnt actually apply.. coz the gentlemen in question who prompted the outburst arent really 'recovering from the throes of puberty' teenagers or escapees from the 'no women allowed' campsites of the taliban.... they're over 20, educated young men who have had female friends for a long time and have had girlfriends/ crushes/ flirtations at various points of time..

tinni put forward this really interesting point today... the 'single guy mentality'
if the guy is single.. any and all girls he meets are potential girlfriends... even the girl next door who he's seen as a snotty 3 year old to the grown up woman that she is.. even the best friend of a beloved ex.. ALL women, if they're dumb enough to continue being friends with the  guy, are potentially 'women to hit on'.

'no guy would continue to be a close friend unless he wants something'
is that what i have to learn from the behaviour of people around me now???

weirdly enough... this argument is not restricted to women -who -have -had -to -deal -with- it... a similar discussion with a male friend (who thankfully is committed and therefore non-threatening) yielded virtually the same opinion..
" a guy will always have issues if his girlfriend is friends with a single guy, not because he doesnt trust his girlfriend.. its because he knows that the single guy in question will invariably make some move at some point of time.."

you'd think the woman whose holding up half the sky might wanna shrug away from the guy next to her.. just in case...

background score to life...

sometimes lyrics really say what you cannot... except that right now.. its TWO radically different songs that are rushing through my head... or maybe they aren't all that different... i'm sitting in the college library with less than 20 days to go before finals.. an ipod in my ears... maybe i should just change the song thats playing... get music tahts more conducive to concentrating on international law.. but right now my state of mind is encompassed by these songs....

oh n btw... they really ARE awesome songs to listen to... even if the lyrics dont send u into a tizzy...


DAUGHTRY- NO SURPRISE
I've practiced this for hours, gone round and round

And now I think that I've got it all down
And as I say it louder I love how it sounds
Cause I'm not taking the easy way out
Not wrapping this in ribbons
Shouldn't have to give a reason why

It's no surprise I won't be here tomorrow
I can't believe that I stayed till today
Yeah you and I will be a tough act to follow
But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise

It came out like a river once I let it out
When I thought that I wouldn't know how
Held onto it forever just pushing it down
Felt so good to let go of it now

Not wrapping this in ribbons
Shouldn't have to give a reason why

It's no surprise I won't be here tomorrow
I can't believe that I stayed till today
There's nothing here in this heart left to borrow
There's nothing here in this soul left to say

Don't be surprised when we hate this tomorrow
God know we tried to find an easier way
Yeah you and I will be a tough act to follow
But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise

Our favorite place we used to go
The warm embrace that no one knows
The loving look that's left your eyes
That's why this comes as no, as no surprise

If I could see the future and how this plays out
I bet it's better than where we are now
But after going through this, it's easier to see the reason why

It's no surprise I won't be here tomorrow
I can't believe that I stayed till today
Yeah you and I will be a tough act to follow
But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise

The kiss goodnight, it comes with me
Both wrong and right, our memories
The whispering before we sleep, just one more thing that you can't keep

Our favorite place we used to go
The warm embrace that no one knows
The loving look that's left your eyes
But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise
 
 
 
INCOMPLETE- BACKSTREET BOYS
Empty spaces fill me up with holes

Distant faces with no place left to go
Without you within me I can’t find no rest
Where I’m going is anybody’s guess

I’ve tried to go on like I never knew you
I’m awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I’m going to be is incomplete

Voices tell me I should carry on
But I am swimming in an ocean all alone
Baby, my baby
It’s written on your face
You still wonder if we made a big mistake

I’ve tried to go on like I never knew you
I’m awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I’m going to be is incomplete

I don’t mean to drag it on, but I can’t seem to let you go
I don’t wanna make you face this world alone
I wanna let you go (alone)


I’ve tried to go on like I never knew you
I’m awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I’m going to be is incomplete

i'm pissed off

it is NOT a nice thing to tell an unsuspecting friend that u have a crush on them and then sulk coz they turn you down..

it is NOT nice to cut them out of plans just coz your ego cannot take it..

and it is definitely NOT nice to remind them everytime that you didnt wanna meet them/talk to them coz you havent gotten over the embarrassment/ hurt from being turned down.. and therefore had asked other friends to not invite them or so much as tell them that youre all meeting up...

and to those friends who actually collude in these ridiculous plans.. youre really not being nice either.

just coz i'm not in love with you does not mean that i dont ever wanna see your face again.. if i did.. that fact would have been made amply clear.

its really mean to make ME feel guilty for "not respecting your feelings" the fact that your name is not up in this blog post means that i do care about your feelings.. i just dont wanna go out with you.

i fail to see why I am the bad guy here if YOU cant get over a crush.

 you've really hurt me.. you AND our so called friends who agreed to stoke your ego at the cost of my feelings.

I dreamed of you last night


The image swirling in dim light

Watched you smile at me.. and raise the dagger

Fell to the ground yet again


I dreamed of you last night

That void in my heart pulsed in fear

Of what had come and what could have come

And I woke up in a river of tears


I try to stay awake, not dream

And yet the voices surround me

The scars pull and bleed sometimes

As I run from what I’ve left behind me..

The man who can't be moved- the Script

heard this song today... and this story just wrote itself...

“caught pneumonia I guess.. crazy bastard… I offered to take him to the hospital.. but he just wouldn’t let me…”

“sat here and refused to move I tell u.. been here two weeks… all he did was sing bout that girl..”
“I know.. pretty in the picture,.. but cold hearted bitch I’d say.. left the boy at the altar..”
“whats sad is that no one came to get him away from here.. he’s such a sweet boy..”
“u know.. the missus and I had a bad fight last week.. and he pretty much talked her out of it.. told her all about how hard it was to find love.. she listened to him when she wouldn’t hear me out..”

The whisperers fell silent at the sound of the police car pulling up..

“alright folks move it.. why is there such a crowd here?” it was the rookie, showing off on his first day..
“this is it son.. the singer’s corner.. the guy I was telling u about on the way here” said the senior constable..
“god.. I’m inheriting that crazy guy from you??”

The protests of the crowd silenced him quicker than the somber look on his senior’s face..

"No boy.. you’re not.. he died a half hour ago.. that’s why we rushed from the station without the last cup of tea”


The two cops moved through the crowd towards the body.. someone had shaved him.. prepared him for burial.. his guitar beside him, the girl’s picture on his chest..

“Oh GOD!!!! Its him!” all colour drained from the rookie’s face as he knelt beside the body..
“u know this guy?”

“yes.. he’s my sister’s fiancé… they had a fight the day before their wedding and she called it off.. he disappeared.. she couldn’t find him anywhere!”

“she what???”

Yeah.. she drove all over the city looking for him.. and…” he suddenly broke down crying..

“and … and she had a horrible car accident.. kept asking for him all the way to the hospital…”


He stumbled away from the stunned crowd.. the senior cop began to make arrangements for removal of the body.

“um.. sir?” it was the young couple..

“Shouldn’t we wait for her to come here? If she’s been searching for him..”

“she’s not gonna come..”

“well.. sure she’s in the hospital but someone from the family might..”

the policeman sighed..

“he’s got no family… and she died in that accident..”

random

it comes on suddenly.. like a fit that would send me falling to the floor, shaking like a leaf.. that makes me feel like i'll never be able to breathe again if this breath doesnt escape my lungs.. and i wheeze and puff and try to get it out but there's a vise around my lungs and there's nothing i can do but feel myself losing it.. hysteria overtakes conscious thought..

and then?
then i type.. or write.. i learnt a long time ago that putting words to feelings helps sort them out.. helps overcome them.. thats one reason i started this blog.. even if no one except a couple of friends who ocasionally remember it read it...  its still a place i can let things out in..

.....................................................

on a completely unrelated note.. i think i'm falling in love with hockey... been watching India in the world cup matches.. n even though the team got jacked by both australia AND spain.. it was fun to watch.. guess its  the publicity.. but ive been wondering recently just why ive never seen this game before.......

valentine

petals are strewn around the floor as i walk in..  flickering shadows in the corners of the room.. an involuntary gasp escapes my lips at the sight of all the red color..

"surprised?"
my husband's voice comes from behind the door.. my heart thuds in response...

"when did you get back?" i can hear the tremor in my voice..
he steps towards me.. i can feel my heartbeat pick up..

"does it matter?" his voice is low.. almost hypnotic
i cant summon the air to respond as he pulls me closer and his fingers entangle in my hair..

"i came back early coz i didnt want you to be alone on our first valentine's day as a married couple.. but i see you didnt miss me at all.."
the glint of the knife in the candlelight dazzles my eyes for a short second before i crumple to the floor.. right next to the bled out body of my lover...

har lamha kisi ki ankh se ek ansoo tapakta hai.. kabhi un ansuon ko hi zamin pe girne do.. shayad usi katre bhar paani se faslein lehleha uthein...

i dont know why i thought of this... droughts, farmers' suicides and rising prices in the country.. dad was ranting this morning about how some politicians and sugar barons are making money by hoarding food supplies...
its a crazy world...

does it help??

there's a new trend on facebook this week... for women to write the colour of their bra (or a colour they find interesting for a bra) as a symbol of awareness about breast cancer, as their staus message... admittedly, i have followed the trend.. but i do have a few reservations about it..

1. how many women who have written whatever they have on their profiles are ACTUALLY aware of what breast cancer is and how to check for it??

2. how many women who have changed their status messages actually know what the trend really is talking about? so many ppl might just be doing it coz their friends are..

3. has anyone seen how many boys are discussing this trend and making rather stupid, rather lewd comments about it????? like.. they're having a field da discussing women's underwear coz it seems like fun to them.. there are guys talking bout teh kind of colours that their friends have mentioned, guys asking bout styles and making stupid comments about how 'stimulating' discussions about styles of lingerie is... i mean... guys get a life!!!! its supposed to spread awareness about cancer!!!!

does this little facebook game really help??

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
well its nearly 4:30 am and the year's begun with a heck of  a lot of laughter and dancing.. considering what "they" say about the new year's eve.. i should have a fun new year ahead.. went for a big party tonight... again thanks to N.. we decided we'd be hanging out together no matter what we did this new year's and i got an extended invite to a party through her... it was quite an interesting experience..
amidst the bonfire and dancing and alcohol... there was an interesting interlude with two really drunken and rather silly young men who professed to be interested in flirting with us... as they tried to muscle in on dances and conversations.. we got a nightful of laughter and silly conversation.. here's to messieurs anand and anand who formed the main entertainmment on this new year's eve.. may you get a lot many more opportunities to talk ppl's ears off and leave them convulsing in laughter...

to everyone else... have an AMAZING new year people.. may 2010 bring all of god's grace on you all..
oh and a passing note to tinni... i had a longer conversation with cd tonight than i've had with you teh last coupla weeks... finish studying already... i miss you.. :(

have a fun new year all!! :)
love
annie