to friends

Thank you KS for dedicating this song to me...
you have no idea of how good it feels..

and i know you're gonna pout at this... but i would also dedicate this song to tinni, ansh, ati and N...
i love you... 

panic attacks at best friends' weddings...

i am officially feeling over the hill "damn i'm on the wrong side of 25" and in the midst of a semi panic attack... had a nearly full blown one complete with elevated heart rate and difficulty breathing just a few mins ago but was on the phone with ash so he talked me out of completely unraveling...
N got married in an ostentatious and gorgeous as a movie set extravaganza last week.. which lasted all week and is only "officially" ending with a reception from the Groom's side tomorrow... and in April, Ansh will get married too..
i'm used to seeing N with a bf, so her with a husband wasn't nearly as OMFGness inducing.. but right now.. at past midnight in the middle of a working week talking to ansh about a plan to get mad drunk and catch up when he comes back to Delhi next month.. i realised that this relationship is about to change completely... for the longest time I was the one in a relationship and took time out to spend time with him.. for a very long time now we were both single and alone and we were always there for each other.. and even though i have had nearly a year to get used to the upcoming wedding.. it hits me every single time that i think about it that our friendship will HAVE to take a backseat.. one could bid a boyfriend/girlfriend goodnight and then go and talk to friends.. once you're married with your wife in your room, you can't exactly pick up a call/skype with an insomniac friend in the middle of the night can you??
i am very well aware of the fact that i'm being weird and selfish.. he's happy, he's finally found someone he wants to be with.. after all these years of being alone.. as his best friend i am ecstatic for him... and i'm also sad about me...
i realllly have to go meet my bhabi to be in jaipur and then get off my ass and actually go for that mad vacation we have been planning for years.. i'm nearly 26 years old, by best friend is getting married.. the least i can do is throw that bachelor party/vacation we have been planning forever....

are you still here? i miss you......

What do I know of you? or us…..


Maybe my memory is playing tricks

We used to talk.. did we not??

Of everything and nothing…

or am I mistaken???

The good things and the bad,

the songs in our minds and the nightmares in our souls

Of dreams and our memories,

hopes and desires

What have we lost in all these years?

The words? The voice?

Or have we lost Us……?

Maybe I just don’t remember it right… who knows…….

and it is just fitting that my 260th post in the sixth year of my blog is about you guys.. :)

I've wanted to see the festivities at Durga Puja in a 'real' Bengali setting for a while now... i have seen the 'car'zy crowded gala that is the 'visarjan' at the Yamuna's ghat once.. preceded by the last couple of minutes of dancing and 'gulaal' throwing and stuff at the Kalibari in central Delhi, arguably one of the biggest in Delhi... I have even seen the huuuuge pandals and crowds of the CR park Pujos... but that was all assignment for work.. THIS year, (and i'm still keeping my fingers crossed that i actually get it) i'm gonna be attending the pre- visarjan festivities WITH FRIENDS!!!

so tinni, sap, sasthi, shippy... here's hoping the morning's plan works out :)
and i want some niiiice food!!

Shubho Vijayadashami!!! (hope i spelt it right)
n Happy Dusssehra!!!!!!!!!!

hope you all have great fun

go back to your roots, find what makes you happy

it hit me yesterday while walking down that familiar, seldom used road.. how much i've left behind, how much of ME i've lost... strains of melodies on the wind tug me back to a happier person and a calmer life which went away with childhood games..

you were right... once you know what it is that you're missing you miss it all the more.. when you don't know quite what it is, atleast that aching emptiness is still formless and vague.. it can easily be put away for more important things.. knowing what is wrong makes you restless till you can actually have what you're missing.

we have got to have those songs back in our lives...

Break up season?

“we’re just not compatible”, “we fight so much, how can we work things out”, “this is not going to work out ya.. we have got to break up”

I’m hearing these sentences with alarming regularity these days… is it Break up season???

Somehow I’m playing agony aunt to people I never thought I would be having heartfelt conversations with… a friend’s girlfriend called me to tell me why they broke up and why it’s the best plan. A very close friend is trying to get rid of a guy who is rapidly turning into a stereotypical “crazy ex”... my favorite couple seem to be under major strains, and other assorted couples I know are not exactly as happy happy joy joy as I’m used to seeing them..  Couples all around seem to be having a hard time…

And for a change these days the AB and I have actually been having rational, grownup conversations… sure the rationality also told us that being a couple was the worst idea ever but atleast we did it after a hug and a sane conversation instead of a shouting match like all the other times we’ve gone down this road…

Seriously… is it breakup season??

I thought the monsoons were supposed to be this awesomely romantic time n all that jazz.. the long walks in the rain, the tea and conversation while the water pours against the windows, the long drives, cuddling up against the thunder and lightning… I know movie romances don’t really translate to reality but this is getting ridiculous…

Maybe its so messed up coz we're all trying to find happily ever afters outside of disney movies.. :(

go back to your roots, your childhood.. solution hamesha milega..

you'll find what makes you happy. 

i meant to write about this the day it was said to me.. about how i tend to lose touch with who i am and what makes me happy in the search for that elusive 'happiness'. how i let myself get lost in a blue funk that nothing seems to have the power to release me from.. then i lost track of the fact that i had meant to write this down. if only to remind myself that there are things that do make me happy.. and talking to friends is always one of them..

its weeks late i suppose, this post.. friendship day is supposed to be the first Sunday of august..today is our independence day and i should really be writing something less self absorbed and more patriotic.. this post was meant to be written then.. but these words were said to me recently, and i've been battling a rather weird writer's block.. can't seem to be able to string together three words without tripping over one of them.. more of a communication breakdown really i suppose coz its not limited to the written word...

anyway.. better late than never i suppose...
to my friends who've stood near through it all..
YOU are my roots, the people who make me happy
i love you.. and i thank god everyday (or everyday that i think about this) that you're in my life..
salut

bah humbug!

call me grinch if you will.. but friends who are in serious relationships are no fun at all.. they always have their own thing going, or are distracted with their phones the whole time, or ditch you to spend extra time with their partner, and make you feel like a heel for asking them to ditch the partner and hang out for a bit with you instead..
:P

I dont belong- Intervention

so i heard a new song today.. amazingly by a band that a good friend is in.. not that he recommended it to me or even told me about it.. (the cut out lines coz 2 mins after this blogpost went up i got several irate messages from said friend who swears taht he did tell me all about his band and i'm the one with the lousy memory..  here u go dude.. correction added)
its quite weird how many ppl i was good friends with or sang/competed with/against are now professionals and it does make me wonder what i've done with my life.. but this isn't about teh nostalgia or teh 'what may have been's.. this is about THIS song..

Sap fwded the link to their fb page and i totally fell in love with this song so decided to put it up here... and it does form the perfect background score to my life right now... as do the lyrics..

Intervention- I Dont belong here

I twist and turn as I lay on my bed

I knew this day wouldn’t end this great.
Something random in my mind
Feels like that something in me died.

These four walls closing up on me
Suffocate me; won’t let me breathe.

I don’t belong here
Trapped in my shell.
Wanna run and break free.
I don’t belong here
I see the light fade
There ain’t nothing here..nothing here for me.

I try to blend but I don’t fit in
I lust for love but I’m lost within.
A helping hand is all I need
A little push to make me believe that.

These four walls closing up on me
Suffocate me; won’t let me breathe.

I don’t belong here
Trapped in my shell.
Wanna run and break free.
I don’t belong here
I see the light fade
There ain’t nothing here..nothing here for me.



I took some time to figure out

I din’t go too far to turn around.

The man in the mirror has changed a lot

Just the same but with different thoughts







.

to friendship

i have been rather lucky as far as making friends is concerned so far.. i have managed to find people who see me as i am and accept me completely, warts and all.. i can be annoying, rude, hyper, condescending, egotistical and just plain crazy... but they stick by me, seeing something good in me throughout..
i'm in awe of you all.. of your loyalty and your patience..
thank you for continuing to be there through my crazy phases..

i hope i can do something worthy of the undying faith you have shown in me..

this is to ati, tinni, ansh, sap, N, rave and sj.. you guys have borne the brunt of my madness and yet never ever given up on me, never gotten angry or grown distant..  god alone knows how you put up with me..
Thank you..i love you very very much..

its only when you lose everything that you're completely free to be yourself...

so we're already two days into 2011 and i'm enjoying the lazy sunday.. though i have tonnes of things-to-do lined up including straightening out my closet that has borne the brunt of being stuffed with everything i own in a hurry coz i wanted to leave for a new year's party.. i think i even stuffed a couple of my saris haphazardly into the shelf instead of hanging them as they should be.. but snuggling into a blanket is a much more appealing prospect :)

N n i ushered in the new year together again :) i think we've done that the last four years now.. this time would probably be the last though as she might not be in town next year.. though she did spend most of the night hanging out with her boyfriend and i spent it chatting and dancing with lots of ppl..


in the midst of that loud party however, the whiskey coursing through my veins and the hypnotic flames that were warming my feet took me into one of my I- have to write/type- this- down -right- now- moods. so this is what i typed in the haze and it actually surprises me that not only did i write this at all.. but i managed to not make too many typing errors. though i do suppose the T9 dictionary thats always on in my phone may be responsible for that..... its a little sad for something written at that time in that place.. i suppose sitting curled up alone by the fire with couples all around does that to one...

   it amazes me sometimes.. the sheer weirdness of the thoughts that erupt in flames. the red and gold of the flames reminds me of half- forgotten dreams as i stare into the fire with tongues of whiskey licking at my subconscious and dragging me to another world.. The warmth of the blazing embers takes me to a different word even as laughter and conversations of a thousand people surround me as the first light of a distant dawn breaks far over the horizon and beckons me into a dream.. a dream in which this fire draws me closer to its warmth and security.. a dream where the buzzing conversations retreat into the background and allow me to disappear into a new world of sensation.. a world where the bright lights from a passing car throw shadows of dreams across my conscious mind.. where i no longer feel alone in the cold but feel one with the world around me...

..................................................

on a completely unrelated note.. i finally watched Fight Club after several recommendations.. its a fascinating, albeit insane storyline.. its absolute chaos to the point that identity is lost..  chaos tightly controlled by a plan born out of insane denial of one's own thoughts.. scary as all hell if u really think about it.. 

hey bhagwan utha le!!!

mujhe nahi... ISE utha le :)

So what do you do when a six foot tall strapping young lad gleefully tells you how he can now easily benchpress your weight? You applaud with pride J

And what do you do when that same young lad follows up the description of his gymming with the news that he recently went off to get a manicure, and pedicure, ending with clear nail polish on his prettified nails?

You laugh and you laugh and then you blog about it :D

And NO this guy is not gay or in any way effeminate…

except for the girly giggle in his voice when he tells you

“the nice lady in the salon told me that I have really pretty delicate hands!!!!!!”

:D Handing me ammo I say!!!!!! :D


DISCLAIMER: i have NOTHING against people who love makeup or guys who are into it.. I am not some sexist B#$%# who would downgrade a guy for wanting to look good. I'm also not a closet homophobe. its just that THIS guy, (and i how i regret swearing that i wouldn't reveal his identity) and nailpolish, are too incongruent for me to let it pass without public comment..

running away...

“shit yaar.. mujhe bhi lagni chahiye thi... then u remember it.. yaad rehta ki hum ghar se bhage they....” 

this was ati’s statement once we were safely ensconced in my room and i was done putting band aids on my shredded wrist...

She’s spending the night at my house.. and in the middle of the night her sudden hankering for adventure had us doing something i’d never thought i’d do.. attempt to sneak out of the house at night.

 (background: For several years now, i’ve been living in a 90 year old- british era house which has a gorgeous lawn all around and a courtyard into which the living area opens.. it also has ornate grills on the huge picture windows and no access to the roof.. basically at night its a fortress with high unjumpable walls and barbed wire on top of the roof and all that jazz... the doors are heavy, old wood or metal that creak like a demon’s wail if u try to open or close them...

 the point is... i’ve never been able to sneak out at night....)

tonight, with the streetlight throwing ghostly shadows on the roof and our neighbour’s cats mewling up a storm.. we sneaked out to the verandah through the bathroom window and climbed up to the roof.. with the help of a window grill and my pushing her butt up as she clung to a water pipe in an attempt to hoist herself up...

 i shimmied up a water pipe, sat on the roof and watched the cars fly past on the tree lined road.. all the while praying that parents wouldn’t wake up/hear the crunch of our feet on the roof/otherwise decide to check on us in my room... it’s SCARY how the night light left on in the lobby looks through the mesh on the window specially when seen from the roof on the other side of the house..

oh and before i forget, we also arranged piles of my clothes under bedcovers to make it look like we were sleeping incase mom woke up to check on us in the duration of out adventure...

so we reached the roof and spent the next 15 mins arguing over an exit point... once we did get to the roof, i remembered exactly why i’d never done this before.. my spatial sense being the holy mess that it is... standing on the roof and looking down is really something that gives me the heebie jeebies.. i’ve looked down from tall buildings and high mountains and other assorted high places... but the roof in the middle of the night scares me silly...

she wanted to jump down from the roof, quite an easy jump.. for a cat or a monkey or someone with wolverine’s prowess and powers of regeneration..

while ati wanted to jump/climb/use a ladder off the roof, i exercised my authority as the elder and more mature of the pair to forbid any such acts.. my declaration was greeted by a resounding cry of despair from my beloved partner in crime who accused me of being a coward though i was merely exercising my judgment and enforcing the aforementioned authority..

and that too using that authority to say no to a scheme of jumping down a 17 foot high roof to brick pavement below..

then she dropped the idea.. because her boyfriend called n she happily settled down to talk to him while i enjoyed the quiet serenity of the night..

getting back down was another challenge.. i ended up hanging half off the edge and scraping off the skin on my wrist as i swung my body down.. she had an easier time of it than i did.. probably coz i was again standing below her offering her my shoulder or hand to use as a foothold..

so we giggled back to my room where i’m now all band aided and writing this story while she preens in front of the mirror... and she's telling me off for not letting her have the adventure she wanted..




.................................
on a completely unrelated note... i'm in LOVE withe the song bin tere from i hate luv storeys.. the longing in it is palpable.


..... ADDED
she woke up this morning to discover that she has also scratched her wrist in the little bout of climbing (as opposed to being pushed from below by me) nowhere near the gash on mine, but she thinks its fun.. i'm currently looking around for a psychiatrist.. :)

insomnia

when you're with someone you want space for yourself.. when that person is not around you have trouble sleeping without hearing their voice...
its the wisdom of the ages.. which rave learnt today...

to my favourite couple...

i've admired you both for a long time now because you showed me something incredible about love.. u reaffirmed what i'd learnt in my own disaster of a relationship.. that you must put friendship over coupledom.. that telling each other everything created a level of understanding that no storms could shake...
i learnt it the hard way.. that if you keep something hidden away it can become a festering sore that affects everything thats good in the relationship and in life..
it was when i saw you two tell each other everything, expose your silliest and weakest and most vulnerable to each other that i realised that it was infact possible to be opposites and yet work out harmoniously... you could say anything to each other, including telling each other when you didn't want the other to be around..
that honesty and trust was the bedrock of it all i always knew.. i didn't quite know how it could be managed till i saw you two together...

and yet today i see you unhappy.. and it breaks my heart.. that two people who i thought shared everything no longer have the words to express themselves..

i love you both very much.. and i hope you find your rythm again..

death of romance

“Those who can’t do, teach, and those who can’t wed, Plan”..  said Jennifer Lopez in the Wedding Planner.. but what do you do when you get the most impossible people to plan for????

Since the demise of romance from my life ive taken vicarious pleasure from my friends’ love lives.. playing agony aunt, messenger and on occasion couple counsellor.. yes i know, i don’t have a life... thank you very much for noticing. But this rant isn’t so much about me as about a certain stubborn ass idiot who has been chucking all my planning to the bin...

I have a dear friend who is about to reach a milestone in his relationship.. and he’s asked me to help him with ideas for D Day.. i’ve been pulling out everything i’ve got.. and yet.. nada. 
The boy likes NOTHING! 
I mean.. every single idea i have is either too cheesy or too boring or silly or expensive or plain too much trouble...

 ive suggested everything from a simple bouquet (too cheesy) to a full blown grand meal for two at a nearby resort (too far to drive) i’m so out of ideas and out of temper! I’ve dug through memory and movies and conversations and plain logic of eliminating everything they’ve already done.. and every conversation ends with me going %^&$%&^£$%$% and him going.. “c’mon you’re my friend you have got to help me out here”

i wanna shoot him! Or tell his girlfriend that she’s dating an imbecile! 

the way we are

I didn’t cook anything today.. went out for lunch with school friends though.. and were badly duped by our favorite watering hole because even after three whiskeys and a tequila shot, all of us walked out of there with just a slight buzz… either we’ve all suddenly developed a very very high tolerance or they ripped us off and gave us cheap useless alcohol for the price of the good stuff…


That apart.. it was great to meet old friends after a long separation.. i hadnt realised how much i'd missed them, how much fun we all really have taking each other's trip..

AND.. i wrote this while waiting for them to show up...





serendipity

We’re occupying lonely chairs on opposite corners of the little café.. seated on tables that were designed for more than one person.. my ipod plugged into my ears, your cellphone glued to yours..we ‘re waiting for someone.. someone important enough in our individual lives for us to wait long enough for the slow café staff to take our orders, we nurse our coffees as we wait..

I don’t know you.. I can’t even quite see you because my spectacles are lazing on the table next to my cellphone. And the chance glance of yours towards me as I look around the busy café sends me into a storybook world..

The story set in a little café in a metro station.. much like this one.. two people, both alone, absorbed in their own worlds, and a chance encounter..

One of us seated alone at a table meant for many more… a sea of people.. every other table occupied by others trying to escape the sweltering heat outside for a few more minutes.. the other enters, flushed with the heat that the metro’s air conditioners have yet to dissipate…

“excuse me.. do you mind if I sit here if this chair is unoccupied?” a polite question, answered by a nod. The eyes are absorbed in the book that hides the reader from the world..

The chair scrapes against the floor, a rustle of paper.. two strangers sharing a table, oblivious to each other’s presence. Lost in the stories that are being played out on the pages they hold. Their own story on hold…

The waiter delivers the order, concentration broken, they both look up, meet each other’s eyes.. exchange a tentative smile..

“ I read the one you’re reading just last week,, this author’s great isn’t he?”

“likewise” comes the smiling reply, both are reading the same author..

“have you read xyz by the same author?”

“not yet.. I’m going to finish this first and maybe re-read the one you have.. its really good”

The book, the author, the café, the drinks.. the universe conspires to grant them topics of conversation… they soon know each other’s favorite books, fav author, music, films, what the other has had to face in the course of the day.. what the other hopes to accomplish.. they chat with the ease of people who have known each other forever.. who know each other inside and out… their thoughts compliment and mesh together..

And then the flow gets interrupted.. the wait that had them both feel alone is over, the ones they were waiting for come in… but neither recalls the wait anymore…. The time has passed quicker than they imagined..

Hey! You’re here already!”

“sorry to keep you waiting..”

This is my friend abc.. and this is…”

You fumble as you realize that we know everything about each other but you don’t know my name and I don’t know yours.

We grin and introduce ourselves... for a second there we had forgotten we were strangers..

We exchange polite goodbyes then.. the ease of conversation has given way to awkwardness that the realization brings..

Be both get up and start walking towards the door with our companions.. turn in different directions at the door… and then turn around to each other again…

“are you on facebook?”

“We can chat online if that’s okay with you..”

A smile exchanged, “yes..”

“talk to you soon then.”

newton's fourth law

"A guy can never like you as a friend unless he sees you as a prospective girlfriend"
"A boy and a girl can never be just friends"
unless, reads the disclaimer, either one or both of them are committed to other people OR the guy is gay...

this is the law put forth in 'when Harry met Sally', AND explained to me again today by a rather exasperated tinni after reading the last few entries on my blog...

here's the scenario.. a girl and a guy have been friends for a long time.. the girl is dating some other guy, the guy is/isn't.. immaterial to the question really... they're friends.. they hang out together, they've met each other's "other halves" etc... eventually both break up with the person they've been with.. and continue to be friends.. and suddenly, out of the blue, the guy pipes up with a .. "you know.. i've wanted to ask you out for a while now" and the girl is left wondering.. %^&$%^&*&*%$%$%???????

i ask you, dear readers... WHY are men so ridiculously complicated to understand?? is it really that impossible for a guy to have a friend who is good looking, easy to talk to, single and female.. and NOT harbour 'not all that friend-like' thoughts for her??
is it true for all men?? or just 20 something idiots who have suddenly realised that the pal they've been hanging out with is of the opposite sex...
u know the previous line doesnt actually apply.. coz the gentlemen in question who prompted the outburst arent really 'recovering from the throes of puberty' teenagers or escapees from the 'no women allowed' campsites of the taliban.... they're over 20, educated young men who have had female friends for a long time and have had girlfriends/ crushes/ flirtations at various points of time..

tinni put forward this really interesting point today... the 'single guy mentality'
if the guy is single.. any and all girls he meets are potential girlfriends... even the girl next door who he's seen as a snotty 3 year old to the grown up woman that she is.. even the best friend of a beloved ex.. ALL women, if they're dumb enough to continue being friends with the  guy, are potentially 'women to hit on'.

'no guy would continue to be a close friend unless he wants something'
is that what i have to learn from the behaviour of people around me now???

weirdly enough... this argument is not restricted to women -who -have -had -to -deal -with- it... a similar discussion with a male friend (who thankfully is committed and therefore non-threatening) yielded virtually the same opinion..
" a guy will always have issues if his girlfriend is friends with a single guy, not because he doesnt trust his girlfriend.. its because he knows that the single guy in question will invariably make some move at some point of time.."

you'd think the woman whose holding up half the sky might wanna shrug away from the guy next to her.. just in case...

random

it comes on suddenly.. like a fit that would send me falling to the floor, shaking like a leaf.. that makes me feel like i'll never be able to breathe again if this breath doesnt escape my lungs.. and i wheeze and puff and try to get it out but there's a vise around my lungs and there's nothing i can do but feel myself losing it.. hysteria overtakes conscious thought..

and then?
then i type.. or write.. i learnt a long time ago that putting words to feelings helps sort them out.. helps overcome them.. thats one reason i started this blog.. even if no one except a couple of friends who ocasionally remember it read it...  its still a place i can let things out in..

.....................................................

on a completely unrelated note.. i think i'm falling in love with hockey... been watching India in the world cup matches.. n even though the team got jacked by both australia AND spain.. it was fun to watch.. guess its  the publicity.. but ive been wondering recently just why ive never seen this game before.......

does it help??

there's a new trend on facebook this week... for women to write the colour of their bra (or a colour they find interesting for a bra) as a symbol of awareness about breast cancer, as their staus message... admittedly, i have followed the trend.. but i do have a few reservations about it..

1. how many women who have written whatever they have on their profiles are ACTUALLY aware of what breast cancer is and how to check for it??

2. how many women who have changed their status messages actually know what the trend really is talking about? so many ppl might just be doing it coz their friends are..

3. has anyone seen how many boys are discussing this trend and making rather stupid, rather lewd comments about it????? like.. they're having a field da discussing women's underwear coz it seems like fun to them.. there are guys talking bout teh kind of colours that their friends have mentioned, guys asking bout styles and making stupid comments about how 'stimulating' discussions about styles of lingerie is... i mean... guys get a life!!!! its supposed to spread awareness about cancer!!!!

does this little facebook game really help??