Showing posts with label introspection. Show all posts
Showing posts with label introspection. Show all posts

Sunday, August 18, 2019

He walks.. I watch


I watched him walk towards me today

Feet splayed

Arms akimbo

Balancing carefully on the bricks of the lane leading home

Slow but sure

Not needing a hand to hold him steady

Watching each brick under his feet

And then watching me watch him walk

The slight frown on my face as I watch each careful shuffling step

The stubborn look in his eyes that says

I don’t need a mommy to hold my hand as I walk

Looking up and to the side as a bird flips past

As I wait

Hoping that the uneven bricks and the slush left behind by the rain doesn’t trip him up

Making sure that he sees the little bit of mud right outside the door

so he doesn’t get his shoes muddy

I watch,

worried but proud

Much as he must have watched me take my first steps as a toddler

My grandpa

The 95 year old who still won’t carry a stick

Friday, June 28, 2019

Labels are a BITCH


Labels are an odd thing..

A rose is a rose is a rose is a rose…
Sure


But what happens when a Rose is told that it is nothing special but simply a member of a large family of the genus rosacea?

Does that not detract from THE thing that is a Red Rose in Full Bloom and reduce it to a “just a rose”?


I had a shitty relationship.. I was a fool in love with an ass who didn’t respect me.. I took everything he dished out for years and still loved him, fought with him, stayed with him... till I finally had enough and told him to fuck off…

That was my reality. I was an idiot in love as a teenager who let that idiocy define years of her adulthood too..

That was me. ME. As the actor who chose to behave in a certain manner and CHOSE to be  a certain way..

But now the label has been changed
Ironically by the same Ass who I told to fuck off from my life

The AB’s back in town for a flying visit.. and has recently been sitting through some seminars on domestic violence and abuse..
So he decided to assuage his guilty conscience and come to me to APOLOGISE for the emotional, mental and sexual abuse he put me through during our relationship....


A relationship that ended 7 years ago.. one that scarred me so badly that I’ve only recently  begun healing..
He came to APOLOGISE… 

and in the process took away my agency, my choice, MY decisions..

I was an Idiot in love with an ass

I’m now a Victim... a survivor of domestic violence whose abuser came back to apologise for his behaviour..

I’m no longer the person who made the wrong choices.. I’m a victim who  “suffered through abuse”

Who was this apology for anyway??

I was okay with my original label.. I was okay being the idiot who made bad relationship choices.. I was OKAY

Now I’m not


Now I find myself reliving everything about the years of our relationship.. wondering which part was my choice, where was it that I had the agency to do something but chose not to, and where were the parts where I could have done nothing…


isn't there some rule when it comes to shit like this that it should be the so called Victim who should ask for and lead the confrontation with the abuser and then walk away after receiving an apology feeling bolstered and vindicated???

i now feel more violated than i ever felt during the worst parts of our relationship... back then i was Choosing whether or not to pick a fight.. i was choosing to react or not react.. or maybe overreact if i felt emotionally wrought enough.. it was MY CHOICE

or so i believed..

now the apology has been given to me.. has been thrust at me really.. and i'm writing about it days after the fact, still dazed at what happened.. 
i didn't really react in front of him.. just gave him a polite hearing and said Okay.....and i let him go.. 
i wrote to him the next day.. with a long list of things that i REMEMBER hurting me.. asking whether he acknowledges and apologises for all of them..

got a reply saying. i apologise for all the things you've listed and things you've not...

and now i'm spiralling in my own head wondering what other abuse have I suffered that i didn't even KNOW was abusive behaviour??


labels are a BITCH i tell you

Monday, July 30, 2018

Loving Pinocchio

the boy I knew was not a real boy.... he was what he believed others expected him to be and what he wanted others to see him as having been... I wonder now if i went wrong in my encouragement of "you can be whatever you want" instead of having asked the question "who are you really"... maybe i should've demanded a sensible answer to that one while i was at it...

it seems to be a failing of mine in a way.. a character flaw that i am a poor judge of character and try to be accepting of the face one shows to me... i hate having to put on a mask so most of the time i assume the person before me is pretense-less as well.. even though i'm quite old enough to know that most people have layers of masks enough that their real face is never seen...

it struck me recently that i've done this for all my life, taken people at face value and assumed that if they claim to be something there must be some truth in it.. rather daft ideals to live by for a journalist i'd say...


Its recently become rather apparent to me that I've failed miserably at reading the truth even when it was very very necessary for me to have done so.. both for my own sake and for the sake of those I Loved..

here's some words of wisdom from Comicstaan's Prashasti Singh

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

standing still while the world moves means the ground slips out from beneath your feet

it is the strangest feeling when you feel truly happy and at the same time feel like there's a piece of your heart thats cracking into itty bitty little chunks...
My favorite couple got "roka'd" tonight.. a small ceremony, not inviting anyone.. RS called and sent me pictures about an hour ago.. and i got SOO excited i jumped around all over my room... and then called SN to tell her she looked so gorgeous i wanted to put a kaala tika on her...
at the same time i feel emptied out inside.. everyone is sorting out their lives, settling down, figuring out where they stand and who with..and I have no clue... i;m driftng most days.. just floating the the river of time, letting things pass by..

i finished school in 2005.. its 2015 now.. what do I have to show for the 10 years??????

Friday, August 22, 2014

i fear oblivion.. i fear it like the proverbial blind man who is afraid of the dark....

I just finished reading "The Fault in our Stars' by John Green.. maybe its he inherent selfishness in me, but the words that touched me the most in this beautifully written tale of pain and love is the quote from the "book" Hazel and Augustus fall in love with...'The Imperial Affliction'..

"There will come a time when all of us are dead. All of us. There will come a time when there are no human beings remaining to remember that anyone ever existed or that our species ever did anything. There will be no one left to remember Aristotle or Cleopatra, let alone you. Everything that we did and built and wrote and thought and discovered will be forgotten and all of this will have been for naught. Maybe that time is coming soon and maybe it is millions of years away, but even if we survive the collapse of our sun, we will not survive forever. there was a time before organisms experienced consciousness, and there will be a time after. and if the inevitability of human oblivion worries you, I encourage you to ignore it. God knows that's what everyone else does."

 I too fear oblivion sometimes.. have to wonder if anyone at all will remember me when  i no longer exist, whether my existence in this world has changed anything for anyone anywhere, even if only as the proverbial flutter of the distant butterfly wing, the first, minuscule domino... And then there are times when i wonder if anyone will remember me the "right" way... and not just in the superficial way of people who brush past you in life and yet think they have touched enough of your essence to claim that they KNOW you..
.
.
.
.
and after reading this book, i wonder if there has ever been any moment in time, or will ever be such a moment that my existence, or someone's existence in my vicinity, has changed life so indelibly that whatever short time we have left in the world will forever MEAN something simply because you have had some time where you really lived and loved and your life wasn't just the endless flow of days but time paused and you really KNEW that you were on the cusp of having an experience that will change you....
.
.
.
.
I will write you a sequel.. finish the unfinished story that means peace to you... 

Saturday, January 25, 2014

Feminism doesn't mean male bashing and asking for a divorce.. it means standing up for yourself and what you believe in..

i have been reading IHM's blog for years and usually find myself agreeing with the things she says and sympathising with the women and men who write in to her to discuss their problems.. but this particular entry REALLY got my goat... even more so the comments and replies which told this girl to get away from her horrible in laws and spoke of how women are always made to feel guilty about wanting 'me time' in their marital homes... to this particular letter writer, all i can say is grow a pair, and stop whining.. you hate your annoying sis in law, tell her to bugger off.. and if you truly cant stay with the family, then grab your husband and walk out the effing door. enough with the pity party and "oh what if they blame me"


This is IHM's post on january 23, 2014.

Sharing an email..
Dear IndianHomeMaker,
I cannot even begin to tell you how grateful I am to you, for your blog has been an eye opener to me and a solace in my times of sadness.
To begin my story, I am a well educated, 32 year old woman working in the software industry for the past ten years. I am doing very well for myself and consider myself to be successful as well as grounded. I come from an upper middle class family where education was of prime importance. I am the youngest of 5 siblings and as result was a very pampered kid.  My parents are traditional as well as modern. My dad has been specially very progressive, as a result, all his kids were well educated and settled well. I grew up in a very open household which was full of opinions, joys, fights, arguments etc. Everything was welcome in my house. Craziness, Bad moods, guests, friends, decisions, everything from every kid was welcomed with open arms. There was always guidance, chiding, scolding, beating, but at the same time there was freedom and acceptance.
I have been living on my own after my graduation away from my parents and my hometown (all my elder siblings were away by then owing to their careers and families). Living alone has only added to my fierce feelings of independence and equality. I have been a responsible and a conscious person also.
My parents started looking for a guy for me after I hit 25. While I worked, I never really had any relationship or looked at anyone with the intention of marriage. So a love marriage was out of question for me. And the proposals for arranged marriages were not interesting enough or I was rejected one way or other.
My parents gracefully accepted my views and kept sending me new proposals, it was a cycle of constantly meeting guys and their families and sometimes talk to a few men away from families for a while and then reach a not so positive conclusion.
Years passed and I was still unmarried and happy in my own life and my friends.
Once I hit 30, my mother was specially stressed because of my unmarried status. She is the more traditional of the two. Relatives and the rest were continuously inundating my parents with unwarranted hints , analysis and advice as to why their daughter is still unmarried. In my community, frankly even the most broad minded and educated ones would find 30 year old spinster unacceptable.
My siblings and parents wanted me to get serious about marriage and make a decision for myself in favor of marriage. So I decided to give it a try on my own and registered on a matrimonial site.
Within a few days, I got talking to a man, in whom I almost found my replica. We started meeting and interacting and liked each other. He had lived in the US and had returned to India for good. It was just a family of 2 brothers and his youngest brother was married to a housewife.
My FIL was an educated govt officer and my MIL was a housewife. From what I got to know from him, they seemed like a normal family. My husband and I shared lot of common views about religion, marriage, kids etc which totally got us into each other. We told our parents and were happily married soon.
After my marriage, when I started living with them, it was tough for me to adjust to the new surroundings. I had to wear salwars only with a dupatta on always even at home (I was mostly a chick who wore jeans and shorts but I agreed to forego it because I felt for any traditional family to accept such stuff was a bit asking for too much), wear bangles (no one in my house wears bangles other than my mom wearing some simple 2 bangles), wake up early (I was living alone and woke up at 11), cannot stay out alone after 7 (I have been out till 10, alone, sometimes), cannot watch irrational(??) TV programs, and most importantly, I realized, to my sadness, they hated vocal behavior of any kind. No one speaks up against wrong in this house. Specially the ladies are supposed to shut their mouths, no matter what they think. Elders should always be treated with respect. Husbands have the last word. My FIL ruled the roost.
My husband I are atheists by choice and we do not follow any religious rituals. The rest the family is very religious, they pray and fast… blah blah.
My in laws are very nice people. On a general note, they never interfere in our lives, they are never rude or mean and they don’t impose religious restrictions on us. They have been good to my family and appreciate me whenever applicable. They are not fake or pretentious people. But one has to abide by the unspoken rules/culture in the house that I mentioned above.
My younger BIl is someone who probably has no character or any personality. He is just going with the flow and very much aligned to his parents and their way of life. I barely ever interact with him. But more or less, on some occasions, I see my PILs (Parents in law) side with him or prefer him over my husband. I understand that to be because my husband was away from them for many prime years and they were just more closer to their younger son. My FIL feels my husband is Americanized and he hates it.
My Husband supports the finances and my BIL also contributes to the household expenses.
My BIL’s wife is a young housewife related to my MIL through her sister.
She was married before me into the household. When I initially came into the house, it was very clear that she was immensely insecure about me. She has ill treated me on several occasions which I casually ignored thinking that she is young and immature. She sees competition with me in every single thing. I find this very annoying. If anyone praises me for any reason, her face goes all black and blue. She simply cannot see me getting better attention from my PILs. Many times she even did her fake praising B***S*** to me too, which I clearly expressed (not in words) was a useless act on her part.
She does not have any god forsaken opinion of her own. She is always ass-licking my MIL. Every decision (even when she will go to take a shower) about her, she consults my MIL and then does it. I feel as if my MIL secretly enjoys the control over this chick. Her hobbies are those that my MIL’s are. She has nice things to say about my MIL/FIL every minute. She will not eat a meal if my MIL is also skipping a meal. She has even gone to the extent of impressing my PILs by saying that her life has changed into great betterment after she married into this house. Basically meaning that her married life and family is much better than her previous one. I mean, Dude, which stupid girl on earth would think/say that!
I also got to know that she got some electronics as gifts (read dowry) from her house when she was married. I was severely disappointed in them after knowing this. Had I known this earlier, probably my decision to get married into this household would have been different.
Anyway I never claim/do such things. I am on my own. I don’t come in their way and they don’t come in mine. I did not get anything as dowry.  I am polite and nice and keep myself in my room most of the time.  I never give my ideas or opinions unless asked for. I don’t ask for permissions, have my own ideas in place and make my own choices. My husband claims that my PILs really like me a lot and find me to be a genuine, honest and well balanced person.
I accepted everything because I knew my husband was on my side an he was my kind.  We shared a great relationship anyway. I found solace in the thought that my husband did not have any such views. My friends and family told me that my husband matters to me in the long run and not the others. I thought that I need to make some adjustments for his sake.
Eventually I began finding it very tough to tolerate my super buttering fake and liar co-sister and my MIL’s submissiveness. My MIl made sure her submissiveness is very well inherited by her DILs also. I am never ready for it but I do not confront or argue. I just ignore it. I was given all the cooking responsibilities. My co -sis does the other activities (sorting out groceries/crockery/vegetables, arranging the table, monitoring the maids). my MIl helps wherever needed (this is super rare, only when we are making some new dish). We have maids in our house for all house work and the cooking is not exactly tough or taxing. But waking up according to their timings (Am a chronic insomniac, they know it) and putting up a happy face and cooking whatever they want, even when I am tired after my long day in the office, while my co-sis sits in front of the TV and passes orders to me in the kitchen, really took a toll on me. While I make non stop dosas and rotis for everyone at the dining table, I am alone in the kitchen dishing it out to them, I cant stop feeling like nothing but a maid/cook. Staying in my room all the time in the house got into me. I found it completely unfair that I had more domestic work to do even though I am a working woman, while my co-sister naps all day at home and does not do much other than trying to impress people with her sugar coated senseless talks. My husband still claims that his mother has distributed the work equally among the two.
I turned sour, angry, began having mood swings and vented out at my husband. He would try to empathize initially, but after some time, I could see him getting irritated. I realized that complaining/pointing out problems to someone about their family is something no one will like.
I missed the freedom to go out whenever i wanted, eat/cook/clean whenever I wanted. I missed the freedom to just be myself, feel happy/sad/excited at my own will and at my own times.
I could see our relationship suffering too. It was clear that he thought that I was not adjusting to his house. He made it clear many times that I could have ended in a much worse situation and expecting an open house like my parents’ or a free life like my single life is simply not done. This is my secret disappointment in him.
Within a year, I am tired of the kitchen politics, of the subdued life, of the skewed morals and unspoken and unreasonable expectations. I seem to have changed myself so much now, that nothing seems to make me happy now. Am not ambitious now, put my career on a total back burner, worrying that I might have to spend a lot of time in office if I take up more responsibilities,  rarely wish to meet people now, am always grumpy and sad for no good reason with feelings of regret and depression (I signed up for all this) always looming over me. I am just unable to make myself happy and feel like my dream of a happy marriage has crashed. Now I just think of marriage as contract to go serve some stranger family. As a matter of fact, am simply over sentimental now (Totally opposite of what I was and seriously stupid) and lack clear views now.
My husband is also tired of this women issues at his place and he wants out separately.
But the problem is, I feel very guilty to do it. I just cannot see myself separating him from his family and living in the same city. Am sure he will be sad about it. I don’t feel like hurting his parents at all as they have treated me well enough.
It also scares me that I will be blamed for it and I will be seen as a villain in the family.
What should I do?
How do I get over these feelings and figure out the right thing to do in this situation.
Please help.
Thanks



ANNNNND... 
the following is the knee jerk comment i wrote... don't even know if IHM allowed the comment or deleted it.. but i wanted to put it up here anyway...

is this woman for real??? while i agree with the resentment for forcing a clothing style on you… WHY is she’s whining about how she has to arrange her time to wake up/clean etc according to her MIL’s decisions??? when you lived at home with your parents, didn’t you have a curfew/ bedtime/ get yourass to the dining table time???

living with ANYONE, even if you live independently with a roommate needs adjustment.. and from your letter, it seems more the the resentful whining of someone who has lived on her own for too long to deal with adjusting with anyone… if you truly cannot deal with the drama, the stop with the pity party and get the hell outta there, you say that your husband would also want to leave the joint family right?? then shut down the guilt and just DO it… the family might say shit for the first few weeks, but here is the good part.. you won’t be around to hear them…

what i fail to understand is this “i don’ want to be the one taking him away from family”, “what is he resents me” routine… you’re not kidnapping a baby from his ma. if he truly loves you and both of you want your own place, then just get up and do it. family will come around eventually…

coz let me tell you, i am an educated unmarried woman living and working in Delhi, I live with my parents, and my parents impose the same ‘wake up to help ma cook breakfast- help set the table for lunch- eat dinner at the dining table with family’ rules on the days taht i am at home… even parents try to impose a curfew if possible.. EVERY parent with a kid does it…. the ‘cooler’ parents just have a later curfew.
if you have an issue with the “women’s drama,” then TALK to your husband and MIL separately.. tell your husband that you would like it if he starts helping around the house.. make sure he knows that he better start offering to help without making it sound like you are forcing him into it..
ask your SIL if she would like it if her husband helped out at times… have these conversations separately with all of them and make sure they don’t know that you had the same conversation with the other person.. . instead of keeping to your room and not trying to interact with them, just try and find some middle ground.. its called FAMILY!
I am a 26 year old girl, and god knows i can’t deal with the saas bahu gossip the aunts and bhabis in my family get upto, but that doesn’t mean that i stop interacting with them… didn’t you have any people in your family who you just didnt have ANYTHING in common with but had to deal with anyway coz they were family?? put that experience to use..
as for the whining about standing in the kitchen making rotis, just ask the maid to do it if you dislike it so much!! you say that you have maids, and don’t really have tyo do much, then what on earth are you whining about??? In my house, if the maid is on leave, then the job of making rotis falls to my mom or me or my dad, and yeah obviously whoever is making the damned rotis eats last…
its called division of labor…
and if you are too tired after work to do stuff in the kitchen.. just SAY it out loud… swap chores, offer to help clean up on the weekend if your SIL will take on kitchen duty for the weekdays.. because i am wiling to bet anything that THAT is what happened when you lived at home with your siblings.



Saturday, January 11, 2014

happiness is a state of mind

Actively noticing what makes u feel happy and content as opposed to simply numb and relaxed is a rather odd deal.. I started on the 100 happy days challenge, wondering what on earth would i put in it.. Day1 began because i was organising my bookshelf, and suddenly lining up my battered old stuffed toys in front of the books brought up memories of where all the books came from and what the toys mean to me.. That's when i decided to post a picture if the stuffed toys, and label it Day 1 of the 100 days when i would consciously try to be happy at some point in the day. 

How does it work anyway? Is the time i spent cuddling the bear that's been banishing my blues since i was 3 the only time i was happy in that 24 hour period?? Or is it meant for one to scrutinise each second of the day to figure out when you were 'happy' and not merely flowing with the river of your existence?
I'm lounging in the sun in my garden after what feels like forever being cold and not having time to just soak up the sun.. Am i happy? Or am i just content in the 'snail is on the grass and god in heaven and all is right in this world' way where u can just switch off and sink into a daze... Or  doze..  


I cant seem to switch off the question though.. Even as my body is relaxing into a slouch and my frozen toes are warming up, i cant stop wondering if this qualifies for the day's 'moment of happiness"..
Yesterday's 'moment' was also something rather strikingly 'happy'.. Seeing my neice's naughty face and my grandfather's happy laughter at the picture gave me that textbook perfect bone deep feeling of being Happy. Today i find myself wondering what i will classify as my happy moment.. This challenge isn't really meant for showing other people what great things are happening to you, its about finding the rays of sunshine in your life for yourself, or so says the websites which hosts the game.. 


Have i too fallen into the trap of counting how many people have 'Liked' or commented on whatever my happy post of the day is to justify looking for the moments? If i am constantly analysing whether something qualifies for the 'happy moment', am i truly being happy in that moment???

Sunday, February 24, 2013

a journalist's confession....

I joined this profession with a starry eyed idealistic dream of "doing good".... that as a reporter, what i print will bring justice to people, that i will help someone somehow by putting their story out to the world... then i was told that emotion and ideals have no place and a reporter must be objective and report the 'truth'

the problem is, that there are truths aren't absolute, they're layered.. what is true in one context may be untrue from a different point of view.. trouble is that a view that WE put out then takes the place of 'accepted truth', and edges out what the other conceptions may have been...

it has been said always that history is written by the victor.. whoever holds the pen controls what is told to the world and therefore accepted as the 'truth'. but what if the "Truth" has many many more layers than the 'truth' does?

where does one draw the line between the 'official written word' and one's own misgivings?? a story that I have written today is something that i was questioning while i was writing it..i knew there had to be more sides to the story, that the court has taken a decision which might not be teh correct one, but My personal misgivings have no place in a newspaper.. so i tamped down on my misgivings because it was all there is Black and white with a judicial stamp on it... the story is not in the black and white, the story is in the multi hued spectrum that the black and white is made of... but i chose to write the black and white, ignoring the fact that even in a court of law, black and white are not the only colours...

the worst thing is, professionally and legally speaking, what i have written is correct. There is NO factual error in my story, whatever i have written is what a court of law has noted in its duly stamped judgment... there is no way anyone can fault me, professionally speaking, for the story that i have done.. maybe i could have dug a little more, made the story just a little bit more rounded, but it wasn't professionally wrong of me to go by what the court has ordered... court reporters don't always take the other side's opinion once the court pronounces its judgment.. once its in black and white, its there, till a different court overturns the judgment...

its my heart and my soul that KNOWS there is more to this story.. and that i should have tried to get that 'more' before mechanically going ahead and writing the story... that I am at fault for simply opting for the comfort of going by the 'official' word and ignoring the questions that my own conscience raised... there is someone who was exploited.. even if one type of exploitation was  not there, there are others which have now been dismissed... i could have written about those, but since the court dismissed everything, i didn't write it either... legally my choice of focus is correct, i make no apologies for writing the story that i did.. but morally, i should have found some way of writing what the court chose to dismiss..

to the person this judgment affects most directly.... I am sorry. I will try and put your side of the story out in the world too..

Thursday, November 01, 2012

quoth the raven, nevermore



came across a reference to this poem while reading randomly.. then decided to look up the poem... its so beautifully haunting that i had to share....


 THE RAVEN

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,

Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore —

While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,

As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.

"'Tis some visiter," I muttered, "tapping at my chamber door —

Only this and nothing more."


Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December;


And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.

Eagerly I wished the morrow; – vainly I had sought to borrow

From my books surcease of sorrow – sorrow for the lost Lenore —

For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore —

Nameless here for evermore.




And the silken, sad, uncertain rustling of each purple curtain

Thrilled me – filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;

So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating

"'Tis some visiter entreating entrance at my chamber door —

Some late visiter entreating entrance at my chamber door; —

This it is and nothing more."




Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,

"Sir," said I, "or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;

But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping,

And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door,

That I scarce was sure I heard you" – here I opened wide the door; ——

Darkness there and nothing more.




Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,

Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before;

But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token,

And the only word there spoken was the whispered word, "Lenore?"

This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word, "Lenore!" —

Merely this and nothing more.




Back into the chamber turning, all my soul within me burning,

Soon again I heard a tapping somewhat louder than before.

"Surely," said I, "surely that is something at my window lattice;

Let me see, then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore —

Let my heart be still a moment and this mystery explore;—

'Tis the wind and nothing more!"




Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter,

In there stepped a stately Raven of the saintly days of yore;

Not the least obeisance made he; not a minute stopped or stayed he;

But, with mien of lord or lady, perched above my chamber door —

Perched upon a bust of Pallas just above my chamber door —

Perched, and sat, and nothing more.




Then this ebony bird beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,

By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance it wore,

"Though thy crest be shorn and shaven, thou," I said, "art sure no craven,

Ghastly grim and ancient Raven wandering from the Nightly shore —

Tell me what thy lordly name is on the Night's Plutonian shore!"

Quoth the Raven "Nevermore."




Much I marvelled this ungainly fowl to hear discourse so plainly,

Though its answer little meaning – little relevancy bore;

For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being

Ever yet was blessed with seeing bird above his chamber door —

Bird or beast upon the sculptured bust above his chamber door,

With such name as "Nevermore."




But the Raven, sitting lonely on the placid bust, spoke only

That one word, as if his soul in that one word he did outpour.

Nothing farther then he uttered – not a feather then he fluttered —

Till I scarcely more than muttered "Other friends have flown before —

On the morrow he will leave me, as my Hopes have flown before."

Then the bird said "Nevermore."




Startled at the stillness broken by reply so aptly spoken,

"Doubtless," said I, "what it utters is its only stock and store

Caught from some unhappy master whom unmerciful Disaster

Followed fast and followed faster till his songs one burden bore —

Till the dirges of his Hope that melancholy burden bore

Of 'Never – nevermore'."




But the Raven still beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,

Straight I wheeled a cushioned seat in front of bird, and bust and door;

Then, upon the velvet sinking, I betook myself to linking

Fancy unto fancy, thinking what this ominous bird of yore —

What this grim, ungainly, ghastly, gaunt, and ominous bird of yore

Meant in croaking "Nevermore."




This I sat engaged in guessing, but no syllable expressing

To the fowl whose fiery eyes now burned into my bosom's core;

This and more I sat divining, with my head at ease reclining

On the cushion's velvet lining that the lamp-light gloated o'er,

But whose velvet-violet lining with the lamp-light gloating o'er,

She shall press, ah, nevermore!




Then, methought, the air grew denser, perfumed from an unseen censer

Swung by seraphim whose foot-falls tinkled on the tufted floor.

"Wretch," I cried, "thy God hath lent thee – by these angels he hath sent thee

Respite – respite and nepenthe, from thy memories of Lenore;

Quaff, oh quaff this kind nepenthe and forget this lost Lenore!"

Quoth the Raven "Nevermore."




"Prophet!" said I, "thing of evil! – prophet still, if bird or devil! —

Whether Tempter sent, or whether tempest tossed thee here ashore,

Desolate yet all undaunted, on this desert land enchanted —

On this home by Horror haunted – tell me truly, I implore —

Is there – is there balm in Gilead? – tell me – tell me, I implore!"

Quoth the Raven "Nevermore."




"Prophet!" said I, "thing of evil! – prophet still, if bird or devil!

By that Heaven that bends above us – by that God we both adore —

Tell this soul with sorrow laden if, within the distant Aidenn,

It shall clasp a sainted maiden whom the angels name Lenore —

Clasp a rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore."

Quoth the Raven "Nevermore."




"Be that word our sign of parting, bird or fiend!" I shrieked, upstarting —

"Get thee back into the tempest and the Night's Plutonian shore!

Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken!

Leave my loneliness unbroken! – quit the bust above my door!

Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!"

Quoth the Raven "Nevermore."




And the Raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting

On the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door;

And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon's that is dreaming,

And the lamp-light o'er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor;

And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor

Shall be lifted – nevermore!


—Edgar Allan Poe






(Taken from Wikipedia)

Thursday, February 02, 2012

are you still here? i miss you......

What do I know of you? or us…..


Maybe my memory is playing tricks

We used to talk.. did we not??

Of everything and nothing…

or am I mistaken???

The good things and the bad,

the songs in our minds and the nightmares in our souls

Of dreams and our memories,

hopes and desires

What have we lost in all these years?

The words? The voice?

Or have we lost Us……?

Maybe I just don’t remember it right… who knows…….

Sunday, January 22, 2012

you asked me how i felt last night...

so you say i'm not tough enough
and then when i am, i'm heartless
and if i change my mind, i'm frivolous
and if i don't i'm stubborn..
if i take a stand, i don't see other sides
if i do, i'm confused
so what IS it that would be right.....



Sunday, December 04, 2011

i've been dreaming of a true love's kiss

true love conquers all.. so they say
what does anyone know about these things anyway

we're all ultimately drowning in the ocean of our own pain and insecurities, wishing for something to hang on to..

i guess ;love conquers all' makes a good hypothetical lifeline...

Monday, November 21, 2011

outrage v privacy... that's the question

to which i must find a satisfactory answer... 
to say something in public that affects privacy 
to not say something for the sake of privacy even though you're bursting to register your opinion...

choices choices choices..........

...............................................................................................................

on an unrelated note... owl is now MARRIED!!!!!!!!! meri bhabhi ghar aa gayi :)

Wednesday, November 02, 2011

do you know what day it is today???

They’ve started to come more often.. encircling me, flying around my little hideout and threatening to tear away my very existence.. I fight against them every single time.. cowering farther into the caves, fighting desperately to get out…


it’s the dark that is slowly creeping up from both sides.. it hems me in as I fight it, it creeps from inside the caves I shelter in… and light seems far away.. I see glimpses of stars in the night before they swoop in again, blacking out the stars.. sucking away warmth and happiness from my world… I’d read about creatures like those in a different lifetime.. Dementors.. who take away everything leaving only an empty shell behind… everything, including one’s soul.. I just hope I have a soul left to fight for…

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

two roads diverged in a yellow wood.......

journalism. law. journalism. law. journalism. law....
i have less than six months to decide..

i have pros and cons lists
i have opinions of friends
i have inputs from parents...

and i cannot make up my freakin mind!!!!!
maybe.. as someone told me recently.. careermaking is as much by chance as by choice.

Sunday, October 02, 2011

a child is but clay.. life molds him any which way

I have been volunteering with the Juvenile Justice board's legal aid cell this past week and for the next couple of weeks.. and each day as i read more files, interact with more children, hear more of their stories and see the despair/defiance in their eyes, i come home wondering about the future of these children.. because they ARE children... 10-12 year old boys working with pickpocket gangs, 15 year olds convicted of rape, attempted murder, robbery...
and all because no one taught them better... these are children of parents who barely have time or energy to look after the child's mental and emotional welfare after working all day to ensure that there is food on the table.. most of them drop out of schools which are little more than overcrowded rooms with minimal teaching facilities.. they get introduced to substances like correction fluid, smack, ganja etc by adults/ other children who then gradually lead them to a life of crime.. t starts with petty thefts to feed the drug habit, and then graduates into grievous crimes including robbery and murder...

The law says that these children have to be treated not as criminals but as children who have lost their way.. "Juveniles in conflict with Law". there is an entire statute, the Juvenile Justice (care &protection) Act 2000 to ensure their safety and rehabilitation.. there is an elaborate system that has been envisaged on paper, that people are trying o bring into existence slowly.. legal aid, education, skill training etc are given to these children free of cost..
and yet the atmosphere in the Juvenile Justice Board room is that these children must have done something wrong coz they just belong to that kind of background.. i met a mother in the last few days who refused to take her child back from the observation home because she couldn't deal with his addiction or his constant clashes with the law.. i've seen a father ask the board to keep his son in the children's home in the hope taht his child will learn something good from the experience.. I've seen a little boy who barely look s10 years old be charged with theft, keeping stolen goods, and causing hurt with dangerous weapon... all this while the child in question stands around sullen or bewildered about what is happening

these children don't get security of a caring family, or education, or even protective friends..
thats why they take drugs and alcohol and indulge in antisocial and illegal activities.. i recently met a 15 year old drug and alcohol addict who had cut gashes on his entire arm with a blade to help him get a better high while drinking.. his father is an alcoholic and his mother passed away years ago.. he is now completely addicted coz there is no one to see him at home and there is no negative reinforcement of his criminal behaviour outside of  the court..

i wonder how different this boy's life would have been had both parents been there to help him and had actually given him a straight path....



Thursday, September 29, 2011

Insomnia

I dreamed of you last night
of promises made, and broken
of tears and lashing guilt
of a past that would never go away

i dreamed
of second chances given hundred times
of pain suffocated laughter
of unbridgeable chasms

of nightmares running in circles
of monsters chased
of cuts that throbbed
and pain that stayed

i dreamed
of a mirror i couldn't meet
of things unsayable

i dreamed of you last night
and in my dream
we came awake......

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

take a walk at dusk and this is the worst that can happen...

i have to leave this place
the walls, the stones, the trees, all so achingly familiar and just as painfully a trap.. this is where i'm left every single night after the day is done.. after the work is over, its time for everyone to go home and for me to return to this beautiful cage where memories live

some say i'm crazy to want to leave... its the most beautiful place.. full of magic, softness, stillness, memories... a place where i belong...
and yet it is the place i feel the most alone.. where things are always as they "were".. there's no 'are' or 'will be'

Monday, September 26, 2011

go back to your roots, find what makes you happy

it hit me yesterday while walking down that familiar, seldom used road.. how much i've left behind, how much of ME i've lost... strains of melodies on the wind tug me back to a happier person and a calmer life which went away with childhood games..

you were right... once you know what it is that you're missing you miss it all the more.. when you don't know quite what it is, atleast that aching emptiness is still formless and vague.. it can easily be put away for more important things.. knowing what is wrong makes you restless till you can actually have what you're missing.

we have got to have those songs back in our lives...


Monday, August 15, 2011

just because i felt like writing something

it was dark.. the corridor looming endlessly.. the pillars cutting a deeper shadow into the black of the night, the faint traces of moonlight whispering against the shadows

college at night when there's no electricity is a scary place.. i actually avoided walking through main corr during my walk coz i couldn't face it..

i really do need to get over this stupid fear of the dark..