Showing posts with label murphy and pals. Show all posts
Showing posts with label murphy and pals. Show all posts

Monday, July 30, 2018

Loving Pinocchio

the boy I knew was not a real boy.... he was what he believed others expected him to be and what he wanted others to see him as having been... I wonder now if i went wrong in my encouragement of "you can be whatever you want" instead of having asked the question "who are you really"... maybe i should've demanded a sensible answer to that one while i was at it...

it seems to be a failing of mine in a way.. a character flaw that i am a poor judge of character and try to be accepting of the face one shows to me... i hate having to put on a mask so most of the time i assume the person before me is pretense-less as well.. even though i'm quite old enough to know that most people have layers of masks enough that their real face is never seen...

it struck me recently that i've done this for all my life, taken people at face value and assumed that if they claim to be something there must be some truth in it.. rather daft ideals to live by for a journalist i'd say...


Its recently become rather apparent to me that I've failed miserably at reading the truth even when it was very very necessary for me to have done so.. both for my own sake and for the sake of those I Loved..

here's some words of wisdom from Comicstaan's Prashasti Singh

Wednesday, September 30, 2015

When will the Doomsday strike?

A few years ago, i got addicted to this TV show called Supernatural. The first two seasons scared me enough to start not looking at the window and the shadows at night and gave me nightmares for weeks.. its about two brothers who basically fight demons, angels, Gods and all manner of other creatures and beings to survive and "save humanity"...

Season 5 of the show was all about the buildup to the biblical Apocalypse- complete with the four horsemen of the apocalypse- War, famine, Pestilence and Death.. personified and rampaging around on earth...

since this morning, after reading the newspapers, I can't stop thinking about two of the episodes from season 5-- the one where the Winchesters fight against the horseman War, and the one where Dean goes back in time and confronts Lucifer himself...

War, who tells the boys some ugly truths about life and humanity, makes a very simple yet profound statement- "there is already evil in humans, all they need is a little push.."
The entire season is about the degeneration of the world because of the impending doom.. the War episode is full of people attacking and killing each other for no reason at all.. an entire town at war with itself..., Pestilence has the rise of incurable mutated diseases that can cut swathes through an entire city's population at a go.. Famine has so much greed that people will eat each other just to get at what they want... while Death has terrifying natural disasters that can erase everything in their path..

and all through this.. God is gone and doesn't care about the survival of humanity.. or as Lucifer puts it.. the "world" isn't just the humans. The earth was there before the humans were made and will continue to be when humans are wiped off its face..

the bluntness of these episodes is something that echoes eerily in the world around me these days..


the madness around this world has predictions in every religion.. Hinduism and Buddhism say that we are now living through the 'Kalyug'-- where humans will lose their humanity and society its structure slowly, till the Pralaya comes and ends us all...

Doomsday predictions seem almost welcome when the alternative is waking up to news reports like these..


http://indianexpress.com/article/india/india-others/next-door-to-delhi-mob-kills-50-year-old-injures-son-over-rumours-they-ate-beef/

http://theweek.com/speedreads/580344/study-children-disproportionally-killed-by-syria-bombs-airstrikes

http://indianexpress.com/article/india/india-others/sringara-3-year-old-succumbs-to-bullet-injuries/

http://indiatoday.intoday.in/education/story/water-wives-of-maharashtra/1/480898.html

http://indianexpress.com/article/india/india-others/5-km-from-vvip-zone-i-am-afraid-i-will-also-be-killed-over-water/

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

standing still while the world moves means the ground slips out from beneath your feet

it is the strangest feeling when you feel truly happy and at the same time feel like there's a piece of your heart thats cracking into itty bitty little chunks...
My favorite couple got "roka'd" tonight.. a small ceremony, not inviting anyone.. RS called and sent me pictures about an hour ago.. and i got SOO excited i jumped around all over my room... and then called SN to tell her she looked so gorgeous i wanted to put a kaala tika on her...
at the same time i feel emptied out inside.. everyone is sorting out their lives, settling down, figuring out where they stand and who with..and I have no clue... i;m driftng most days.. just floating the the river of time, letting things pass by..

i finished school in 2005.. its 2015 now.. what do I have to show for the 10 years??????

Monday, December 01, 2014

ENS-1, Annie -0


I've been living in the world of books for a long long time... taking my cues and inspirations from the characters i read.. wishing my life could get magically sorted with the stroke of  a pen... but whose life do we really know about anyway??

at the end Marianne does give in to the pressures of her sister and "everyone else" around... does that mean she settles or does she actually be happy..?
Elinor finds her love, as do Elizabeth and Jane... its the not quite the heroine sisters who you are left wondering about... does Lydia ever be happy or is she forced to live the rest of her life regretting the bad decisions she made at 15? is it enough that Brandon fancies himself in love?


I have always wanted the fireworks.. the impossible love that makes you feel giddy like you're soaring into the sky and nothing else matters.. I always said that i stayed because it was the only place where i felt like home.. like that is where i was meant to be...


Marianne had the good fortune to have been 18 years old.. I am much older and was regretfully not born in the 1800s.. I am supposedly an intelligent grown up..

so do I let go of the rainbows and butterflies and agree to the compromise of "maybes" and cynical realities where the teenage fantasy of love does not exist and what you really want is someone who cares about you and you understand and share values with and have the society's blessings to be with....?

I haven't bought a new M&B in a while... i gave up on the "no matter what we will sort it out and live happily ever after" tripe years ago... so why does it raise a wall of revulsion in me when everyone around me wants me to come to my senses and do the sensible thing??
in any case, there is no way in hell of finding a spark if you never let yourself go anywhere near fuel...



Friday, May 30, 2014

sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me... yeah right...

I work as a journalist. I'm trained as a lawyer, and my dream is to become a writer... and yet when it really truly matters, when it comes to things that have the power to seriously hurt me and upset me and make me want to cry and scream and hit back, i get quiet..
I may rant and fight and do whatever when it comes to protecting or lecturing someone else, but somehow i go mute when it comes to me.. I've never been able to stand up to bullying when I was the one being picked on, i've never been able to say the right thing as a response to an emotional attack or when i'm feeling vulnerable..
somehow i've gotten past every incident... being lots in the music in my head and whatever cloud i happen to be floating in at the time also helped..
but there are times when it gets to me..
when it makes me question everything about myself as to why the bloody hell i allowed it to get that far or stood there and said nothing...
I still have to figure out how to handle this particular incident... How does one react without being downright rude in a professional environment wen people around you cross the line from making a joke at your expense to actually hurting you by making "jokes" about your work and work ethic..
one is simple... ignore, and concentrate on my work so that the "little things" they found hilarious to laugh at no longer exist..
the other is to confront.. but i hate confrontation and they already realised that they crossed the line and sort of apologised ans said it won't happen again...

i think ice is better than fire in this situation... its not like i'll be missing anything i care about missing....

Thursday, April 25, 2013

harder to breathe

Songs change their meanings as times change........


"Harder To Breathe" Maroon 5

How dare you say that my behavior is unacceptable
So condescending unnecessarily critical
I have the tendency of getting very physical
So watch your step 'cause if I do you'll need a miracle

You drain me dry and make me wonder why I'm even here
This Double Vision I was seeing is finally clear
You want to stay but you know very well I want you gone
Not fit to fuckin' tread the ground that I'm walking on

When it gets cold outside and you got nobody to love
You'll understand what I mean when I say
There's no way we're gonna give up
And like a little girl cries in the face of a monster that lives in her dreams
Is there anyone out there 'cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe
Is there anyone out there 'cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe

What you are doing is screwing things up inside my head
You should know better you never listened to a word I said
Clutching your pillow and writhing in a naked sweat
Hoping somebody someday will do you like I did

When it gets cold outside and you got nobody to love
You'll understand what I mean when I say
There's no way we're gonna give up
And like a little girl cries in the face of a monster that lives in her dreams
Is there anyone out there 'cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe
Is there anyone out there 'cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe

Does it kill
Does it burn
Is it painful to learn
That it's me that has all the control

Does it thrill
Does it sting
When you feel what I bring
And you wish that you had me to hold

When it gets cold outside and you got nobody to love
You'll understand what I mean when I say
There's no way we're gonna give up
And like a little girl cries in the face of a monster that lives in her dreams
Is there anyone out there 'cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe
Is there anyone out there 'cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe
Is there anyone out there 'cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe

Sunday, December 02, 2012

penrose staircases...


The bright azure of the open sky with fluffy white clouds scurrying across it make me stop and wonder at my life sometimes.. think of the things I’ve planned and dropped, of the paths that I almost took or got turned around in.. I feel like I’m at the bottom of a glass walled well and while I can see everything around me reflected in the glossy shards that enclose my existence, the only open sky that is within my reach is that little patch that is visible where that glass and stone confine ends..
I feel turned around sometimes.. not quite as if I’m directionless or not trying to get anywhere.. I feel more like sissyphus rolling the heavy rock up a hill, and then picking up a different one after it promptly rolls away from me after the halfway mark…  I’m not exactly directionless or stagnant or not doing anything… I’m just moving rather purposefully down an escalator doing up…or maybe climbing a penrose staircase whichh keeps folding back on itself... no matter how many steps tire out my feet, I haven’t moved much towards the direction I’m trying to head towards…

Thursday, November 01, 2012

quoth the raven, nevermore



came across a reference to this poem while reading randomly.. then decided to look up the poem... its so beautifully haunting that i had to share....


 THE RAVEN

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,

Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore —

While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,

As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.

"'Tis some visiter," I muttered, "tapping at my chamber door —

Only this and nothing more."


Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December;


And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.

Eagerly I wished the morrow; – vainly I had sought to borrow

From my books surcease of sorrow – sorrow for the lost Lenore —

For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore —

Nameless here for evermore.




And the silken, sad, uncertain rustling of each purple curtain

Thrilled me – filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;

So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating

"'Tis some visiter entreating entrance at my chamber door —

Some late visiter entreating entrance at my chamber door; —

This it is and nothing more."




Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,

"Sir," said I, "or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;

But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping,

And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door,

That I scarce was sure I heard you" – here I opened wide the door; ——

Darkness there and nothing more.




Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,

Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before;

But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token,

And the only word there spoken was the whispered word, "Lenore?"

This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word, "Lenore!" —

Merely this and nothing more.




Back into the chamber turning, all my soul within me burning,

Soon again I heard a tapping somewhat louder than before.

"Surely," said I, "surely that is something at my window lattice;

Let me see, then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore —

Let my heart be still a moment and this mystery explore;—

'Tis the wind and nothing more!"




Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter,

In there stepped a stately Raven of the saintly days of yore;

Not the least obeisance made he; not a minute stopped or stayed he;

But, with mien of lord or lady, perched above my chamber door —

Perched upon a bust of Pallas just above my chamber door —

Perched, and sat, and nothing more.




Then this ebony bird beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,

By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance it wore,

"Though thy crest be shorn and shaven, thou," I said, "art sure no craven,

Ghastly grim and ancient Raven wandering from the Nightly shore —

Tell me what thy lordly name is on the Night's Plutonian shore!"

Quoth the Raven "Nevermore."




Much I marvelled this ungainly fowl to hear discourse so plainly,

Though its answer little meaning – little relevancy bore;

For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being

Ever yet was blessed with seeing bird above his chamber door —

Bird or beast upon the sculptured bust above his chamber door,

With such name as "Nevermore."




But the Raven, sitting lonely on the placid bust, spoke only

That one word, as if his soul in that one word he did outpour.

Nothing farther then he uttered – not a feather then he fluttered —

Till I scarcely more than muttered "Other friends have flown before —

On the morrow he will leave me, as my Hopes have flown before."

Then the bird said "Nevermore."




Startled at the stillness broken by reply so aptly spoken,

"Doubtless," said I, "what it utters is its only stock and store

Caught from some unhappy master whom unmerciful Disaster

Followed fast and followed faster till his songs one burden bore —

Till the dirges of his Hope that melancholy burden bore

Of 'Never – nevermore'."




But the Raven still beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,

Straight I wheeled a cushioned seat in front of bird, and bust and door;

Then, upon the velvet sinking, I betook myself to linking

Fancy unto fancy, thinking what this ominous bird of yore —

What this grim, ungainly, ghastly, gaunt, and ominous bird of yore

Meant in croaking "Nevermore."




This I sat engaged in guessing, but no syllable expressing

To the fowl whose fiery eyes now burned into my bosom's core;

This and more I sat divining, with my head at ease reclining

On the cushion's velvet lining that the lamp-light gloated o'er,

But whose velvet-violet lining with the lamp-light gloating o'er,

She shall press, ah, nevermore!




Then, methought, the air grew denser, perfumed from an unseen censer

Swung by seraphim whose foot-falls tinkled on the tufted floor.

"Wretch," I cried, "thy God hath lent thee – by these angels he hath sent thee

Respite – respite and nepenthe, from thy memories of Lenore;

Quaff, oh quaff this kind nepenthe and forget this lost Lenore!"

Quoth the Raven "Nevermore."




"Prophet!" said I, "thing of evil! – prophet still, if bird or devil! —

Whether Tempter sent, or whether tempest tossed thee here ashore,

Desolate yet all undaunted, on this desert land enchanted —

On this home by Horror haunted – tell me truly, I implore —

Is there – is there balm in Gilead? – tell me – tell me, I implore!"

Quoth the Raven "Nevermore."




"Prophet!" said I, "thing of evil! – prophet still, if bird or devil!

By that Heaven that bends above us – by that God we both adore —

Tell this soul with sorrow laden if, within the distant Aidenn,

It shall clasp a sainted maiden whom the angels name Lenore —

Clasp a rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore."

Quoth the Raven "Nevermore."




"Be that word our sign of parting, bird or fiend!" I shrieked, upstarting —

"Get thee back into the tempest and the Night's Plutonian shore!

Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken!

Leave my loneliness unbroken! – quit the bust above my door!

Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!"

Quoth the Raven "Nevermore."




And the Raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting

On the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door;

And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon's that is dreaming,

And the lamp-light o'er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor;

And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor

Shall be lifted – nevermore!


—Edgar Allan Poe






(Taken from Wikipedia)

Monday, April 09, 2012

have mercy your honor!

its their questions i fear the most
coming at me from all sides as i cower into the corner.. the darkness in my mind unravelling, rivalling the darkness that surrounds the room
did you?
but?
what?
are you?

i want to scream out loud but my own voice refuses to cooperate.. my own self rebelling against the other, self righteous bitch that rules this corner most times
why shouldn't i?
why do i hold back?

why not do what THEY think i already have done.. 
its the days when 'being right' doesn't matter worth a damn because the only person judging you is yourself and i have the angel and demon inside my head telling me i'm wrong no matter which path i choose
no matter what i do, i'll end up backed into this very same dark corner


my lord the accusation is wholly unfounded and unjust!!

but is it really?
the snide cynicism is so clear in the voices

Thursday, February 02, 2012

are you still here? i miss you......

What do I know of you? or us…..


Maybe my memory is playing tricks

We used to talk.. did we not??

Of everything and nothing…

or am I mistaken???

The good things and the bad,

the songs in our minds and the nightmares in our souls

Of dreams and our memories,

hopes and desires

What have we lost in all these years?

The words? The voice?

Or have we lost Us……?

Maybe I just don’t remember it right… who knows…….

Saturday, November 26, 2011

blurry images

I'm usually the hiding behind a book rather than speaking out.. i sometimes leave my phone aside and not call/text friends for several days just because i feel like disappearing into a book or the TV or just bask in the sun by myself..


but sometimes i feel this strange emptiness... like something vital is missing.. like there's a part of me that has gotten lost...
 

Wednesday, November 02, 2011

do you know what day it is today???

They’ve started to come more often.. encircling me, flying around my little hideout and threatening to tear away my very existence.. I fight against them every single time.. cowering farther into the caves, fighting desperately to get out…


it’s the dark that is slowly creeping up from both sides.. it hems me in as I fight it, it creeps from inside the caves I shelter in… and light seems far away.. I see glimpses of stars in the night before they swoop in again, blacking out the stars.. sucking away warmth and happiness from my world… I’d read about creatures like those in a different lifetime.. Dementors.. who take away everything leaving only an empty shell behind… everything, including one’s soul.. I just hope I have a soul left to fight for…

Friday, November 19, 2010

faking it

The world is based on lies really
Look around, how many people do you think are there who actually say what they mean and mean what they say..
everyone is constantly faking it.. a smile, concern, interest, pleasure, pressure, involvement, indifference. No one really cares what anyone wants.. but somehow everyone cares what the other person thinks. Everyone wants a good impression. No one wants to be the guy who made a faux pas by actually speaking his mind. .. from the sleep deprived mother who says she’s so happy with her baby to the teenager who fakes love and concern to get laid to the wife who touches her mom in laws feet to the boss who just wants the job done to the husband who really wants some me time to the child who wants some attention to the kid who wants to be left alone... everyone everywhere is just so afraid to say what’s really on their mind.. afraid to face up to what they really feel And i wonder why that is.. even as i follow my fellow beings in this endless deception i wonder why it is this way. Why is it such a crime to want something else? Its so deeply ingrained in us that half our responses are completely automatic. We don’t have to THINK before playing that role no matter how badly we may be chafing inside against the imposition. Not playing that part is somehow tougher than playing a part that you don’t want to play but do it anyway...

Saturday, September 18, 2010

hiding

sometimes you really want to take a step.. but you cant even quite explain to yourself why you don't...
murphy won't dog every step i take will he??

Friday, September 10, 2010

history repeats itself..
the fact that the statement is true scares the bejeezus out of me...

Monday, September 06, 2010

ajeeb dastan hai yeh...

its weird how life can simply keep curving in on itself till you feel like you're caught in a never ending loop..
this year was supposed to be different..and yet it is uncannily the same.. confusion and acrimony, fights, sleepless nights, indecipherable signals, boredom and lack of direction..

but my life seems so different on the face of it..

................................

so here's the things i WANT to accomplish this year.

1. go for an international moot.. even if we just do the regional rounds for lack of money.
2. sleep without first needing to shut my body down with physical exhaustion.
3. go for a trip with friends
4. get my family to go for a day out without any dramas involved
5. get an article published in a legal journal.
6. stop living in the past.

Friday, August 20, 2010

yeh lamhaa jee lene de...

Ai zindagi yeh lamha jee lene de…
Pehle se likha.. kuch bhi nahi.. roz naya kuch likhti hai tu…
Jo bhi likha hai dil se jiya hai yeh lamha… filhaal jee lene de…

I want it all.. I guess I really do
The chance to dream, to fly, to experience life as I’ve never known..
Maybe I just don’t know who I am anymore… maybe things will just snap back into place as suddenly as they fell into disarray..
Who knows where life can take us.. who ever knows whats coming next.. its all we can ever do to live the moments that we’re allowed…