you're the Man now...

misogyny and affirmation of patriachy come in hues so varied that sometimes you can't even tell its there, and sometimes it is so brutally in your face that you're left gasping in shock at it..
i could write reams about the recent incidents of "harassment" at workplace that happened in the much venerated halls of teh judiciary and the media.. but enough newsprint has already been spent on it.. my concern is with a little more insidious and "oh its a joke" kind...
has anyone seen the new Park Avenue perfume advertisement? the one which shows a guy 'marking his territory' like an animal?? THAT ladies and gentlemen is what has my hackles rising..

since i'm writing on a computer where youtube is blocked, i'm gonna have to write down the story sequence of the ad..
there is a woman siting at a bar
a guy approaches, tries to chat her up
another guy, presumably a husband or boyfriend, all dolled up in a nice suit and gelled back hair, sprays his Park Avenue perfume on the bar stool beside her, and says "my territory"
Guy 1 tries to pick up her drink, Guy 2 sprays on that too, staking his claim
finally, guy 2 sprays the perfume on and around the girl, saying 'all mine' as he does so...
the girl? oh she's staring vapidly at the two men as if she has no b%^$ idea whats going on..
the ad ends with the tagline of "real men mark their territory with their scent"

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME!!!!

what exactly is this ad trying to show?? men are animals? women are to be 'protected'? or simply that people in whatever ad firm that thought this up have zero respect for women or men for that matter..??
mark your territory??
so you're a dog or something that needs to piss on things to feel like the master of the domain?? the woman is "territory" with no brains or tongue of her own?

civilization and civility demands that we learn to respect people as People, as individual persons, and here we have an Ad that not only reduces a woman to an object with no mind of her own, you also have an ad that suggests that even the well heeled, (hopefully) educated upper class men have to behave like anmals and disrespect their partner if they want to "be Men.'

its one of the worst, most brainlessly put together ads I have seen in recent memory... 

to friends

Thank you KS for dedicating this song to me...
you have no idea of how good it feels..

and i know you're gonna pout at this... but i would also dedicate this song to tinni, ansh, ati and N...
i love you... 

Passive agressiveness and friendship do not mix

pick one.
either stick to trying to speak to me and resolving issues.. or just stay away.. I am NOT the one who approached you, or even the one who sent random cryptic messages after weeks of disappearance asking whether i'm still alive..
I was always frank and open with you.. i made you no promises, told you no lies.. whatever misconceptions you chose to nurse and then hang on to are no longer my problem..
i will always remember that boy who sang with a smile, the one who had fun dreams and said weird things for the shock value and made up things to escape a yelling at...
I will always remember the guy who talked me out of jumping off the roof on a day that nothing else came close to feeling like it mattered..

You aren't that guy anymore.. and I am not that girl..
so Goodbye..
may you find your way out of the darkness soon.

of rose tinted glasses and damaged frames

I used to live in a bubble then.. my friends, my family protected me and supported me and I could forget about reality and pain and cynical thoughts and believe in magic and rainbows and the see the best in people and BELIEVE that people were inherently good…

Then my angel shed his wings, my wall broke and my brother and sister left…

And now I am a shell most of the time… that spontaneity and happiness and rose colored glasses I used to live with are now gone and I have to force myself to interact with even the people who make me feel most alive because sometimes the feeling of the blood and adrenaline coursing through my veins is a bit too much and I need to shut down and retreat so I don’t get too overwhelmed..

You asked me why I changed… you’re one of those who threw a knife at me and walked away.. and yet you wonder where I learnt to flinch?

panic attacks at best friends' weddings...

i am officially feeling over the hill "damn i'm on the wrong side of 25" and in the midst of a semi panic attack... had a nearly full blown one complete with elevated heart rate and difficulty breathing just a few mins ago but was on the phone with ash so he talked me out of completely unraveling...
N got married in an ostentatious and gorgeous as a movie set extravaganza last week.. which lasted all week and is only "officially" ending with a reception from the Groom's side tomorrow... and in April, Ansh will get married too..
i'm used to seeing N with a bf, so her with a husband wasn't nearly as OMFGness inducing.. but right now.. at past midnight in the middle of a working week talking to ansh about a plan to get mad drunk and catch up when he comes back to Delhi next month.. i realised that this relationship is about to change completely... for the longest time I was the one in a relationship and took time out to spend time with him.. for a very long time now we were both single and alone and we were always there for each other.. and even though i have had nearly a year to get used to the upcoming wedding.. it hits me every single time that i think about it that our friendship will HAVE to take a backseat.. one could bid a boyfriend/girlfriend goodnight and then go and talk to friends.. once you're married with your wife in your room, you can't exactly pick up a call/skype with an insomniac friend in the middle of the night can you??
i am very well aware of the fact that i'm being weird and selfish.. he's happy, he's finally found someone he wants to be with.. after all these years of being alone.. as his best friend i am ecstatic for him... and i'm also sad about me...
i realllly have to go meet my bhabi to be in jaipur and then get off my ass and actually go for that mad vacation we have been planning for years.. i'm nearly 26 years old, by best friend is getting married.. the least i can do is throw that bachelor party/vacation we have been planning forever....

frazzled

INCESSANT WHINING ALERT!
PLEASE MOVE TO A DIFERENT BLOG/BLOGPOST..
this one is solely so i can get the whine out of my system and maybe get motivated enough to get off my ass and actually do something about it..

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or maybe its a keening cry for a hug and chocolate? or a swift kick in the ass even...
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so i was flipping through my day planner diary and realised that there are verrry few pages left for the year... where the hell did  2013 go??
I had made a list of things i wanted to accomplish over this year... and i can't even right now remember where i put it... the few things i DO remember putting on the list are undone...

I seem to have lost a year without really having anything to show for it.. I haven't done any spectacular stories, haven't really done anything memorable really... sure i have made a few more contacts in the courts, but no breakthrough stories yet...

 was supposed to take a holiday.. that fantasy holiday where I let go of my fears and just get up and explore whatever place suits my fancy with whatever company I can find... I went to Goa for a week but thanks to the rain and my own laziness the only things i really did in that week is sleep and read on the terrace.. unlike the mad picture of exploration and debauchery i had painted in my head or a fun holiday romance, what i DID come away with from there was a horror of my sister's crazy dog and a whole new collection of romance novels...

i was supposed to get over my mental hangup about the AB and move on.. maybe date again, maybe just have a damned fling.. have  done that?? NO..

i was supposed to FINALLY write or atleast start on that novel that makes some sporadic appearances in the recesses of my half asleep mind...the most i have to show for that is a few pages of rambling text that even I cant bear reading through...

what IS the point of life when all i feel like doing lately is to hide under my bed with a book and forget that life exists...

listening to random songs while waiting for an order to upload...

 Put my phone music player on shuffle and this is whats played the last few mins..

 THAT DON'T IMPRESS ME MUCH- Shania Twain
I've known a few guys who thought they were pretty smart
But you've got being right down to an art
You think you're a genius-you drive me up the wall
You're a regular original, a know-it-all
Oh-oo-oh, you think you're special
Oh-oo-oh, you think you're something else

Okay, so you're a rocket scientist
That don't impress me much
So you got the brain but have you got the touch
Don't get me wrong, yeah I think you're alright
But that won't keep me warm in the middle of the night
That don't impress me much

I never knew a guy who carried a mirror in his pocket
And a comb up his sleeve-just in case
And all that extra hold gel in your hair oughtta lock it
'Cause Heaven forbid it should fall outta place

Oh-oo-oh, you think you're special
Oh-oo-oh, you think you're something else

Okay, so you're Brad Pitt
That don't impress me much
So you got the looks but have you got the touch
Don't get me wrong, yeah I think you're alright
But that won't keep me warm in the middle of the night
That don't impress me much

You're one of those guys who likes to shine his machine
You make me take off my shoes before you let me get in
I can't believe you kiss your car good night
C'mon baby tell me-you must be jokin', right!

Oh-oo-oh, you think you're special
Oh-oo-oh, you think you're something else

Okay, so you've got a car
That don't impress me much
So you got the moves but have you got the touch
Don't get me wrong, yeah I think you're alright
But that won't keep me warm in the middle of the night

That don't impress me much
You think you're cool but have you got the touch
Don't get me wrong, yeah I think you're alright
But that won't keep me warm on the long, cold, lonely night
That don't impress me much

Okay, so what do you think you're Elvis or something...
Oo-Oh-Oh
That don't impress me much!

Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh-No
Alright! Alright!

You're Tarzan!
Captain Kirk maybe.
John Wayne.
Whatever!
That don't impress me much!



"50 Ways To Say Goodbye"- Train

My heart is paralyzed
My head was oversized
I'll take the high road like I should
You said it's meant to be
That it's not you, it's me
You're leaving now for my own good

That's cool, but if my friends ask where you are I'm gonna say

She went down in an airplane
Fried getting suntanned
Fell in a cement mixer full of quicksand
Help me, help me, I'm no good at goodbyes!
She met a shark under water
Fell and no one caught her
I returned everything I ever bought her
Help me, help me, I'm all out of lies
And ways to say you died

My pride still feels the sting
You were my everything
Some day I'll find a love like yours (a love like yours)
She'll think I'm Superman
Not super minivan
How could you leave on Yom Kippur?

That's cool, but if my friends ask where you are I'm gonna say

She was caught in a mudslide
Eaten by a lion
Got run over by a crappy purple Scion
Help me, help me, I'm no good at goodbyes!
She dried up in the desert
Drowned in a hot tub
Danced to death at an east side night club
Help me, help me, I'm all out of lies
And ways to say you died

I wanna live a thousand lives with you
I wanna be the one you're dying to love...
But you don't want to

That's cool, but if my friends ask where you are I'm gonna say
That's cool, but if my friends ask where you are I'm gonna say

She went down in an airplane
Fried getting suntanned
Fell in a cement mixer full of quicksand
Help me, help me, I'm no good at goodbyes!
She met a shark under water
Fell and no one caught her
I returned everything I ever bought her
Help me, help me, I'm all out of lies

She was caught in a mudslide
Eaten by a lion
Got run over by a crappy purple Scion
Help me, help me, I'm no good at goodbyes!
She dried up in the desert
Drowned in a hot tub
Danced to death at an east side night club
Help me, help me, I'm all out of lies
And ways to say you died


and then comes this cheesy number..

WHEN YOU SAY NOTHING AT ALL- Ronan Keating

It's amazing how you
Can speak right to my heart.
Without saying a word
You can light up the dark.

Try as I may, I could never explain
What I hear when you don't say a thing.

[Chorus:]
The smile on your face
Lets me know that you need me.
There's a truth in your eyes
Saying you'll never leave me.
[Album version:] The touch of your hand says you'll catch me wherever I fall.
[Live version:] The touch of your hand says you'll catch me whenever I fall.
You say it best when you say nothing at all.

All day long I can hear
People talking out loud (oooh).
But when you hold me near (you hold me near)
You drown out the crowd (the crowd, the crowd).

Try as they may, they can never define
What's been said between your heart and mine.

[Chorus:]
The smile on your face
Lets me know that you need me.
There's a truth in your eyes
Saying you'll never leave me.
[Album version:] The touch of your hand says you'll catch me wherever I fall.
[Live version:] The touch of your hand says you'll catch me whenever I fall.
[Album version:] You say it best (you say it best) when you say nothing at all.
[Live version:] 'Cause you say it best (you say it best) when you say nothing at all.

[Chorus:]
The smile on your face
Lets me know that you need me.
There's a truth in your eyes
Saying you'll never leave me.
[Album version:] The touch of your hand says you'll catch me wherever I fall.
[Live version:] The touch of your hand says you'll catch me whenever I fall.
[Album version:] You say it best (you say it best) when you say nothing at all.
[Live version:] 'Cause you say it best (you say it best) when you say nothing at all.

(You say it best when you say nothing at all.
You say it best when you say nothing at all.)

That smile on your face,
[Album version:] The truth in your eyes,
[Live version:] The look in your eyes,
The touch of your hand
Lets me know that you need me.

(You say it best when you say nothing at all.
You say it best when you say nothing at all.)

[Live version additional ending:]
The smile on your face,
The look in your eyes,
The touch of your hand
Lets me know that you need me.

the contrast was quite amusing.. :)
maybe i am far too bored in life today...
the court website doesn't seem to wanna cooperate...

the futility of life and death

The crowd cheered and clapped and shouted with relieved vengeance today as the four rapist-murderers were sentenced to hang. People shouted bloodthirsty slogans calling for stricter punishment for the juvenile.

I don't know what it says about us as a society that we ask for bloody vengeance when shaken out of our stupor but live in a fog of acceptance to everyday harassment.

I am a reporter, I am a woman living in Delhi.

As a reporter, it is my job to meet strangers and go places. As a woman, i travel with a purse large enough that it can cover my torso/ back when taking public transport and carry pepper spray in a pocket. The spray has thankfully never been used, the bag serves its purpose every day.

Am i happy that these men who tore at that hapless girl like beasts will now hang? Yes.

Even if the idea of killing makes me uneasy, i am used to the idea that rabid dogs must be put down, and an animal which has tasted blood will forever seek it.

But who is this animal that's tasted blood??

After the gleeful protesters left the court and the police slowly began retreating, it was only a handful of reporters and random people on the road outside the Saket court. And on that empty road as I walked towards the exit, some unknown man deliberately walked up behind me, bumped into my arm, and kept walking as if nothing had happened.

There was at least 10 ft of empty space on every side around me.. And yet he walked close enough to touch my hand.

Less than 30 minutes after protesters shouted slogans for women's safety and death to rapists. less than 50 meters from where the protesters gathered.

I don't know who that man was.

I didn't even react to his behaviour because its been drilled into me since childhood to not react, step away and walk on.

And today especially i feel violated more than ever.

What was the point of these protests and the sentence and the so called sensitization for the past year??

Who does this death sentence serve as a deterrent for??

water water everywhere...

The Delhi High court today has told the Government and the civic agencies of the city to submit yet another report on the measures taken to prevent waterlogging in the city after they found that the reports submitted today said nothing about the actual work. The court's been monitoring what the government is doing to tackle the veritable floods that happen every time the rain gods descend and create swimming pools out of potholed roads.. turns out that even they admit that they haven't really done much...

The report  was only talking about creation of a task force and committee meetings, which, as the Chief justice himself commented, "can go on till eternity."

coincidentally , after reaching office this evening, for some reason I found myself looking up Gertrude Stein's quote "a rose is a rose is a rose" on wikipedia, and fell down the rabbit hole of random wikipedia clicks... and THIS particular gem is what i found...

"The Persian philosopher, Ibn Sina (Avicenna), once wrote the following response to opponents of the law of noncontradiction:

"Anyone who denies the Law of Non-contradiction should be beaten and burned until he admits that to be beaten is not the same as not to be beaten, and to be burned is not the same as not to be burned."

John Locke claimed that the principles of identity and contradiction were general ideas and only occurred to people after considerable abstract, philosophical thought. He characterized the principle of identity as "Whatsoever is, is." The principle of contradiction was stated as "It is impossible for the same thing to be and not to be." (from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Three_classical_laws_of_thought#Aristotle )

obviously someone should make the Delhi Civic agency officials sit down and read their works, (preferably also go through the lesson Ibn Sina recommended) till they realise that a job done and a job Not done are different things, and just filing a report saying that they have started the work does not equate to the work getting done...

would this judge hav said something like this had the lying complainant been a man?

ofcourse not, no one would EVER imply that simply because one man made a false complaint, the entire 'male species" were lying bastards would they? atleast not on judicially stamped judgements they wont... but please feel free to paint ALL women black because one woman lodged a false complaint against her friend's  ex boyfriend... even when you don't actually have any proof that the complaint in question was actually filed on the ex's say so.. you just take the fact that its "probable" the the ex's friend filed a fake complaint, and blame ALL women for being vindictive b****s
The Pioneer

The Indian Express


Justice indeed...

Court acquits man, holds he was implicated at ex-girl friend's
behest
    New Delhi, May 13 (PTI) A Delhi court has acquitted a man
of the charge of attempting to kill a woman, saying he was
implicated at the instance of his ex-girl friend to settle
scores with him.
    While deciding the case, the court said there was no
apparent reason or motive for the accused to assault the
victim, who was the friend of his estranged lover, and the
possibility of framing him in the criminal case could not be
ruled out.
    "Female of the species are more dangerous, which seems to
be correct. A woman scorned is capable of doing anything as in
the process, the social norms, customs and for that matter
even the law cannot be an obstacle or a deterrent. The instant
case seems to be one such example," Additional Sessions Judge
Vimal Kumar Yadav said.
    The court acquitted East of Kailash resident Jitender for
allegedly assaulting the woman on the night of April 12, last
year after entering her house and, thereafter, fleeing the
spot by locking her inside. The woman's brother had lodged the
complaint at Amar Colony police station against Jitender.
    The court said the woman's testimony and the surrounding
circumstances were not appealing to logic and reason and the
testimony of other witnesses were contrary to normal human
conduct and behaviour which could not be relied upon to hold
the accused guilty.
    Holding that the whole episode was "shrouded under
mysterious circumstances", it said, "Apparently, things have
got intertwined in a complex jumble which makes the picture
quite hazy and in turn case doubtful."
    The court said that the story on behalf of the accused
seemed probable that "he has been falsely implicated in order
to settle scores at the instance of his ex-girl friend with
whom he was having a kind of affair, which had reached the
stage of getting married also..."
    It asked as to why the victim was not taken to hospital
by her brother on the night of the incident or the next day
and instead her friend had called the police control room and
had taken her to the hospital.
    "Thus, the possibility of framing the man in the criminal
case due to the injury sustained by the victim accidentally or
self-inflicted, cannot be ruled out," it said.

harder to breathe

Songs change their meanings as times change........


"Harder To Breathe" Maroon 5

How dare you say that my behavior is unacceptable
So condescending unnecessarily critical
I have the tendency of getting very physical
So watch your step 'cause if I do you'll need a miracle

You drain me dry and make me wonder why I'm even here
This Double Vision I was seeing is finally clear
You want to stay but you know very well I want you gone
Not fit to fuckin' tread the ground that I'm walking on

When it gets cold outside and you got nobody to love
You'll understand what I mean when I say
There's no way we're gonna give up
And like a little girl cries in the face of a monster that lives in her dreams
Is there anyone out there 'cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe
Is there anyone out there 'cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe

What you are doing is screwing things up inside my head
You should know better you never listened to a word I said
Clutching your pillow and writhing in a naked sweat
Hoping somebody someday will do you like I did

When it gets cold outside and you got nobody to love
You'll understand what I mean when I say
There's no way we're gonna give up
And like a little girl cries in the face of a monster that lives in her dreams
Is there anyone out there 'cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe
Is there anyone out there 'cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe

Does it kill
Does it burn
Is it painful to learn
That it's me that has all the control

Does it thrill
Does it sting
When you feel what I bring
And you wish that you had me to hold

When it gets cold outside and you got nobody to love
You'll understand what I mean when I say
There's no way we're gonna give up
And like a little girl cries in the face of a monster that lives in her dreams
Is there anyone out there 'cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe
Is there anyone out there 'cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe
Is there anyone out there 'cause it's getting harder and harder to breathe

the answer key

call me selfish
go ahead.. i won't mind..
maybe i am.. maybe i am a self centered child with atrocious people skills and even worse people reading skills..
so bloody what?
I am ME. I may become better, more caring, more understanding, more mature..
but guess what
at the end of the day... when i have had a long day and feel like kissing my pillow to show it just how much i missed it and need it, i WILL choose my sanity, my sleep and MYcomfort over whatever the fuck it may be that's going on in the world.

so i admit it
i am a selfish hypocrite

but damn it.. my pillow is the most important person to me at bloody midnight after a 14 hour mindfuck of a workday. maybe i'd care for music or a short conversation with friends or family about some random topic.. but i REFUSE to think of important things when all that my brain and body can say is SHUT UP AND SLEEP!

it may be the most important thing in the world..
but frankly my dear.. i don't give a damn

and i refuse to apologise for it. 

sometimes the silliest songs can be so profound..

a journalist's confession....

I joined this profession with a starry eyed idealistic dream of "doing good".... that as a reporter, what i print will bring justice to people, that i will help someone somehow by putting their story out to the world... then i was told that emotion and ideals have no place and a reporter must be objective and report the 'truth'

the problem is, that there are truths aren't absolute, they're layered.. what is true in one context may be untrue from a different point of view.. trouble is that a view that WE put out then takes the place of 'accepted truth', and edges out what the other conceptions may have been...

it has been said always that history is written by the victor.. whoever holds the pen controls what is told to the world and therefore accepted as the 'truth'. but what if the "Truth" has many many more layers than the 'truth' does?

where does one draw the line between the 'official written word' and one's own misgivings?? a story that I have written today is something that i was questioning while i was writing it..i knew there had to be more sides to the story, that the court has taken a decision which might not be teh correct one, but My personal misgivings have no place in a newspaper.. so i tamped down on my misgivings because it was all there is Black and white with a judicial stamp on it... the story is not in the black and white, the story is in the multi hued spectrum that the black and white is made of... but i chose to write the black and white, ignoring the fact that even in a court of law, black and white are not the only colours...

the worst thing is, professionally and legally speaking, what i have written is correct. There is NO factual error in my story, whatever i have written is what a court of law has noted in its duly stamped judgment... there is no way anyone can fault me, professionally speaking, for the story that i have done.. maybe i could have dug a little more, made the story just a little bit more rounded, but it wasn't professionally wrong of me to go by what the court has ordered... court reporters don't always take the other side's opinion once the court pronounces its judgment.. once its in black and white, its there, till a different court overturns the judgment...

its my heart and my soul that KNOWS there is more to this story.. and that i should have tried to get that 'more' before mechanically going ahead and writing the story... that I am at fault for simply opting for the comfort of going by the 'official' word and ignoring the questions that my own conscience raised... there is someone who was exploited.. even if one type of exploitation was  not there, there are others which have now been dismissed... i could have written about those, but since the court dismissed everything, i didn't write it either... legally my choice of focus is correct, i make no apologies for writing the story that i did.. but morally, i should have found some way of writing what the court chose to dismiss..

to the person this judgment affects most directly.... I am sorry. I will try and put your side of the story out in the world too..

"If you leave who will prove that my cry existed?/ Tell me what was I like before I existed.

yes i am selfish and spoilt.. i am, really... because while the world is talking about crimes against women and people are working their asses off all over the city, i'm wrapped up in a little bubble of mourning and memories...

in the past one month, i've lost three people who spent nearly my entire childhood pampering me, who were there in the background and foreground, often scolding my parents for scolding me, or hiding me when i wanted to escape the world... my grandmom, almost-surrogate- grandmom, and my Taiji- surrogate mom.
between the three of them, they can string together every step of my life from when i started talking to now when i stepped away and only returned to them when i needed a break from life.. even at age 24, i would cuddle up to taiji and ask amma to tell me the same stories that she's been entertaining me with since childhood.. i would visit damma and have her smile at me like i've made her day...
they were the people who all the news about life HAD to go to... they were the people who would scold me for working too much and eating too little and not having enough time to just be their little girl again...
They are the ones who remember little milestones and bumps from my childhood. stories like what i did with some long forgotten toy and the tantrum i threw about a shoe or the way i had to cajoled into eating something..
They knew my childhood, they knew the brat before i became I with an identity and a belief system.. they were the ones whose stories and admonitions and love and PRESENCE helped shape  me into who i am now.. my parents both worked, and they were there all day with me..

and now the witnesses to my childhood are gone...
Amma passed away on December 3, Damma on 15th, and Taiji on january 4...
i like to think that all three of them are now sitting in a sunny balcony up in heaven, drinking cupfuls of tea and  chatting about things just like they used to when i was a child running around with ati and akku....

goodbye...

I was a spoilt, pampered child.. as much as i may whine about growing up taking care of teh brats, the truth is that i never lifted a finger till well into my teenage, and i was the only child at home long enough to be pampered silly... i've done stuff like listen to stories all afternoon and all evening and have 'favorite' soaps brought from the market before i'd consent to bathe, and 'run away' from home because mom scolded me for something and LOVED to put my head in someone's lap and be stroked to sleep...

and now the people who spoilt me the most are gone.. Babji, Amma, and now Taiji... the people who pampered me enough for my parents to complain, the ones who told me i was the most beautiful princess in all the world and they loved me...

And i thank god on bended knee that they went before having to suffer too much pain...

Taiji, i wish our last conversation could have been happier.. i love you..