Labels are a BITCH

Labels are an odd thing..

A rose is a rose is a rose is a rose…

Sure

But what happens when a Rose is told that it is nothing special but simply a member of a large family of the genus rosacea?

Does that not detract from THE thing that is a Red Rose in Full Bloom and reduce it to a “just a rose”?

I had a shitty relationship.. I was a fool in love with an ass who didn’t respect me.. I took everything he dished out for years and still loved him, fought with him, stayed with him... till I finally had enough and told him to fuck off…

That was my reality. I was an idiot in love as a teenager who let that idiocy define years of her adulthood too..

That was me. ME. As the actor who chose to behave in a certain manner and CHOSE to be  a certain way..

But now the label has been changed

Ironically by the same Ass who I told to fuck off from my life

The AB’s back in town for a flying visit.. and has recently been sitting through some seminars on domestic violence and abuse..

So he decided to assuage his guilty conscience and come to me to APOLOGISE for the emotional, mental and sexual abuse he put me through during our relationship....

A relationship that ended 7 years ago.. one that scarred me so badly that I’ve only recently  begun healing..

He came to APOLOGISE… 

and in the process took away my agency, my choice, MY decisions..

I was an Idiot in love with an ass

I’m now a Victim... a survivor of domestic violence whose abuser came back to apologise for his behaviour..

I’m no longer the person who made the wrong choices.. I’m a victim who  “suffered through abuse”

Who was this apology for anyway??

I was okay with my original label.. I was okay being the idiot who made bad relationship choices.. I was OKAY

Now I’m not

Now I find myself reliving everything about the years of our relationship.. wondering which part was my choice, where was it that I had the agency to do something but chose not to, and where were the parts where I could have done nothing…

isn't there some rule when it comes to shit like this that it should be the so called Victim who should ask for and lead the confrontation with the abuser and then walk away after receiving an apology feeling bolstered and vindicated???

i now feel more violated than i ever felt during the worst parts of our relationship... back then i was Choosing whether or not to pick a fight.. i was choosing to react or not react.. or maybe overreact if i felt emotionally wrought enough.. it was MY CHOICE

or so i believed..

now the apology has been given to me.. has been thrust at me really.. and i'm writing about it days after the fact, still dazed at what happened.. 

i didn't really react in front of him.. just gave him a polite hearing and said Okay.....and i let him go.. 

i wrote to him the next day.. with a long list of things that i REMEMBER hurting me.. asking whether he acknowledges and apologises for all of them..

got a reply saying. i apologise for all the things you've listed and things you've not...

and now i'm spiralling in my own head wondering what other abuse have I suffered that i didn't even KNOW was abusive behaviour??

labels are a BITCH i tell you

let us pause a moment and think of what consent means

Before anyone reads the rest of this, let me clarify that that this blogpost is more about the definition of consent used in the judgment and NOT about the age of the woman or the stage of her menstrual cycle, because most of the social media outrage has been on the court commenting that the deceased rape victim was menopausal.

http://www.firstpost.com/living/delhi-hc-didnt-say-menopausal-women-cant-be-raped-heres-what-it-really-said-1786761.html

http://daily.bhaskar.com/news/NAT-TOP-forceful-sex-with-woman-above-60-years-age-not-crime-says-delhi-hc-4795538-NOR.html

http://www.dnaindia.com/india/report-forceful-sex-on-menopausal-woman-not-rape-says-delhi-high-court-2031918

http://indianexpress.com/article/cities/delhi/man-acquitted-of-rape-as-delhi-hc-finds-woman-died-of-intoxication-not-forceful-sex/

so there is currently a heated debate going on among court reporters covering Delhi High court about this judgment and the way all of us have covered this story. because even though this judgment was reported last week in every newspaper, including mine, DNA’s story today is the only one which has raised the issue of the language used by the judge in his judgment as opposed to the legal reasoning we all chose to report, because frankly NO one wanted to take on the judiciary and face a potential contempt charge for pointing out flawed reasoning or injudicious use of certain words in a judgment given out by a very senior and very respected judge of the High court.

at the outset, I would like to apologise to this deceased woman. I as a reporter am also guilty of failing to play up this story as much as it deserved to be. I failed to highlight the story and raise the questions the DNA story and the later Legally India story has.. 

the debate among the reporters weirdly enough, is more about how much trouble the DNA guys are likely to be in as opposed to what the judgment is all about.

lets examine the facts- woman, age 60, died due to asphyxia caused by the food in her stomach going back up… in layman’s terms she choked on her own vomit and died.

fact 2- the death occurred during or very near the act of sexual intercourse

fact 3- there are injuries on her vagina, indicating forceful sex, something that the court itself has recognized and taken note of in the judgment.

fact4- there are no other injuries anywhere on her body, which the court has taken as evidence that she did not resist the sexual intercourse, no matter how forceful it may have been

the problem with the Indian legal system is that we tend to give benefit of the doubt to rapists and murderers because somehow, somewhere we cannot accept the idea that RAPE can happen without the victim fighting tooth and nail to throw off her rapist.. she doesn’t need to be battered half to death to protect her virtue.. and in this case, since she was supposedly drunk, the court has simply said that there is nothing to prove lack of consent.

one particular bright spark among our group of reporters, and may god give him SOME sense at some point in life, started arguing that ofcourse people have sex when they are drunk. “daaru pi ke sex nahi hota kya?” was his argument.

now while his argument as an abstract comment on the stupid decisions people sometimes make while drunk is one thing, in this situation, in this debate, it was probably THE stupidest argument made…. the woman is drunk out of her mind. the guy is also drunk, the woman’s husband goes out of the house coz he wants to go drink with a buddy instead of his wife and their neighbor. and just a few minutes later, she’s found dead with her clothes array and injuries on her vagina..

WHY on earth is this not rape?? how is a drunk, passed out woman presumed to have given consent???

the court has gone by the legal principles of proof beyond reasonable doubt and acquitted the 46 year old man of both rape and murder. that part no one can argue with because benefit of the doubt and presumption of innocence is so inherent a part of our legal reasoning that the judge HAD to have given that decision as far as the murder is concerned.

but RAPE? didn’t we recently amend the entire law on sexual offences to say that if she is incapable of giving consent for whatever reason it will count as a rape? severe intoxication IS under Indian law a legal excuse. if someone is drunk, they could NOT have given consent.

and what about the injuries on the woman?? the court in its judgment has said categorically that there are injuries on her vaginal area indicating forceful penetration. does that not count?? how did the court come out with the reasoning that “forceful” is not the same as “forced” in this particular case??

the woman is NOT capable of giving consent. There are injuries on her genitals. she is SO drunk that the sex forces her to vomit and she chokes to death..

HOW IS THIS NOT RAPE?? sure this is not murder, but this is culpable homicide. unintentionally or not, the act of forced sex killed her. how are we letting the “oh she was drunk” argument cloud the debate so much that the rapist goes free.

what would your reaction be if the woman in question was not a drunk old housemaid from the slums but the 22 year old daughter of a businessman who had tequila shots and was then given rohypnol at an upscale bar?

would you still say she may have given consent so the act was not rape because there is no injury? would you still say that forceful sex is not the same as forced sex??

Patriarchy, DDLJ and disappointing brothers...

my brothers have seriously disappointed me.. not the brats, the remaining horde of cousins/best friends that I have, have seriously dashed all my DDLJ fed ideas of how Karva Chauth is supposed to be…

yes I know that is a very very bad line to use if I want to sound like an adult at all and not like a starry eyed tween… but I DID expect better from my big brothers.. I swear I did.. first of all, I will never in my life understand how fasting prolongs someone else’s life.. this is the 21^st century ladies and gentlemen.. WHY are we still following the patriarchal model where the woman has to “sacrifice for the happiness of the family” and somehow starving the poor soul would bring salvation to the family…

secondly.. if you HAVE to believe that this deity with no sense demands fasts in exchange for years on earth, why aren’t the husbands fasting for their wives’ lives? why shouldn’t the husband “show his love and devotion” to the marriage just like the poor starving wife?

in any case.. if we have to go along with this loony idea that the husband’s life has to come at the cost of his wife’s health and sanity, WHY the effing hell is it not reciprocal? specially when the scriptures go on and on about being an “ardhangini” and the married couple being the basis of all life and society??

and (read this as being said in an irate voice with a stomped foot) why did no one out of the dozens of the newly and not so newly married couples of my generation put their foot down and DO something?

sure the previous gen has waaayyyy too many married couples for me to have harboured any remaining hope, but they are all old people, in arranged marriages where ‘the family’ scuttled all attempts at overt mush.. atleast in front of the children..

 but this lot?? my generation! they ALL have married for love and stay far enough away that the entire gamut of aunts and aunts in law and grandmothers and mothers does not descend on them to make them do whatever arcane ritual the lunar cycle demands.. and yet… Karva Chauth remains as boring and old people-ey as ever for my assorted brothers and bhabis…

whatever happened to the “don’t bother babe, religion is stupid, keeping yourself hungry is not prolonging my life”.. or “okay since it’s a required married people ritual, I’m fasting with you (Thanks SRK for that one) or at the very least “ since you’re stuck doing this, let me get up at the crack of dawn and cook you something nice and shower you with presents”…

ANYTHING??? hello?? guys??

Do you HAVE to be all boringly unromantic to my bhabis and be all “what are you getting worked up about” at me??

Go watch DDLJ again … all of you.. if I’m not allowed to question the cultural imperative and must accept that the fast must be kept, I’m gonna continue to be SO disappointed at the lack of reciprocal fasts and dancing and presents and unapologetically unromantic behavior in general... Shahrukh Khan.. you have some serious explaining to do.

hmph…

I am not a kitchen appliance.. Awesome Ads by Havells

So for some reason my laptop is refusing to let me embed You tube videos on the same post as text... still.. if you have seen the prev post, you know exactly what i'm talking about..
Havell's has come out with this awesome series of ads regarding various household appliances, with the underlying theme that your wife/partner/mother is NOT an appliance, and everyone in the family can make their own damned coffee/juice/chutneys.. and men can iron their own shirts.. i really adored the "istree- stree" and "I'm his wife, he thinks i'm a kitchen appliance" punchlines..

but my favorite BY FAR is the arranged marriage ad where the guy's mother is going on about how her poor son is deprived of decent coffee at home living alone in a foreign country.. and the girl hands him a coffee maker instead..
seriously.. why the the hallmark of a 'good wife' a "cook-maid-waiter- in one'?? why is a girl in this arranged marriage market judged on her ability to handle the kitchen and want to have children? can anyone ask if the guy can handle half the cooking/cleaning/random chores like a partner should?

this is the age of technology.. make your own damned coffee

kya hai na auntiji... I am not a kitchen appliance.

Feminism doesn't mean male bashing and asking for a divorce.. it means standing up for yourself and what you believe in..

i have been reading IHM's blog for years and usually find myself agreeing with the things she says and sympathising with the women and men who write in to her to discuss their problems.. but this particular entry REALLY got my goat... even more so the comments and replies which told this girl to get away from her horrible in laws and spoke of how women are always made to feel guilty about wanting 'me time' in their marital homes... to this particular letter writer, all i can say is grow a pair, and stop whining.. you hate your annoying sis in law, tell her to bugger off.. and if you truly cant stay with the family, then grab your husband and walk out the effing door. enough with the pity party and "oh what if they blame me"

This is IHM's post on january 23, 2014.

Sharing an email..

Dear IndianHomeMaker,

I cannot even begin to tell you how grateful I am to you, for your blog has been an eye opener to me and a solace in my times of sadness.

To begin my story, I am a well educated, 32 year old woman working in the software industry for the past ten years. I am doing very well for myself and consider myself to be successful as well as grounded. I come from an upper middle class family where education was of prime importance. I am the youngest of 5 siblings and as result was a very pampered kid.  My parents are traditional as well as modern. My dad has been specially very progressive, as a result, all his kids were well educated and settled well. I grew up in a very open household which was full of opinions, joys, fights, arguments etc. Everything was welcome in my house. Craziness, Bad moods, guests, friends, decisions, everything from every kid was welcomed with open arms. There was always guidance, chiding, scolding, beating, but at the same time there was freedom and acceptance.

I have been living on my own after my graduation away from my parents and my hometown (all my elder siblings were away by then owing to their careers and families). Living alone has only added to my fierce feelings of independence and equality. I have been a responsible and a conscious person also.

My parents started looking for a guy for me after I hit 25. While I worked, I never really had any relationship or looked at anyone with the intention of marriage. So a love marriage was out of question for me. And the proposals for arranged marriages were not interesting enough or I was rejected one way or other.

My parents gracefully accepted my views and kept sending me new proposals, it was a cycle of constantly meeting guys and their families and sometimes talk to a few men away from families for a while and then reach a not so positive conclusion.

Years passed and I was still unmarried and happy in my own life and my friends.

Once I hit 30, my mother was specially stressed because of my unmarried status. She is the more traditional of the two. Relatives and the rest were continuously inundating my parents with unwarranted hints , analysis and advice as to why their daughter is still unmarried. In my community, frankly even the most broad minded and educated ones would find 30 year old spinster unacceptable.

My siblings and parents wanted me to get serious about marriage and make a decision for myself in favor of marriage. So I decided to give it a try on my own and registered on a matrimonial site.

Within a few days, I got talking to a man, in whom I almost found my replica. We started meeting and interacting and liked each other. He had lived in the US and had returned to India for good. It was just a family of 2 brothers and his youngest brother was married to a housewife.

My FIL was an educated govt officer and my MIL was a housewife. From what I got to know from him, they seemed like a normal family. My husband and I shared lot of common views about religion, marriage, kids etc which totally got us into each other. We told our parents and were happily married soon.

After my marriage, when I started living with them, it was tough for me to adjust to the new surroundings. I had to wear salwars only with a dupatta on always even at home (I was mostly a chick who wore jeans and shorts but I agreed to forego it because I felt for any traditional family to accept such stuff was a bit asking for too much), wear bangles (no one in my house wears bangles other than my mom wearing some simple 2 bangles), wake up early (I was living alone and woke up at 11), cannot stay out alone after 7 (I have been out till 10, alone, sometimes), cannot watch irrational(??) TV programs, and most importantly, I realized, to my sadness, they hated vocal behavior of any kind. No one speaks up against wrong in this house. Specially the ladies are supposed to shut their mouths, no matter what they think. Elders should always be treated with respect. Husbands have the last word. My FIL ruled the roost.

My husband I are atheists by choice and we do not follow any religious rituals. The rest the family is very religious, they pray and fast… blah blah.

My in laws are very nice people. On a general note, they never interfere in our lives, they are never rude or mean and they don’t impose religious restrictions on us. They have been good to my family and appreciate me whenever applicable. They are not fake or pretentious people. But one has to abide by the unspoken rules/culture in the house that I mentioned above.

My younger BIl is someone who probably has no character or any personality. He is just going with the flow and very much aligned to his parents and their way of life. I barely ever interact with him. But more or less, on some occasions, I see my PILs (Parents in law) side with him or prefer him over my husband. I understand that to be because my husband was away from them for many prime years and they were just more closer to their younger son. My FIL feels my husband is Americanized and he hates it.

My Husband supports the finances and my BIL also contributes to the household expenses.

My BIL’s wife is a young housewife related to my MIL through her sister.

She was married before me into the household. When I initially came into the house, it was very clear that she was immensely insecure about me. She has ill treated me on several occasions which I casually ignored thinking that she is young and immature. She sees competition with me in every single thing. I find this very annoying. If anyone praises me for any reason, her face goes all black and blue. She simply cannot see me getting better attention from my PILs. Many times she even did her fake praising B***S*** to me too, which I clearly expressed (not in words) was a useless act on her part.

She does not have any god forsaken opinion of her own. She is always ass-licking my MIL. Every decision (even when she will go to take a shower) about her, she consults my MIL and then does it. I feel as if my MIL secretly enjoys the control over this chick. Her hobbies are those that my MIL’s are. She has nice things to say about my MIL/FIL every minute. She will not eat a meal if my MIL is also skipping a meal. She has even gone to the extent of impressing my PILs by saying that her life has changed into great betterment after she married into this house. Basically meaning that her married life and family is much better than her previous one. I mean, Dude, which stupid girl on earth would think/say that!

I also got to know that she got some electronics as gifts (read dowry) from her house when she was married. I was severely disappointed in them after knowing this. Had I known this earlier, probably my decision to get married into this household would have been different.

Anyway I never claim/do such things. I am on my own. I don’t come in their way and they don’t come in mine. I did not get anything as dowry.  I am polite and nice and keep myself in my room most of the time.  I never give my ideas or opinions unless asked for. I don’t ask for permissions, have my own ideas in place and make my own choices. My husband claims that my PILs really like me a lot and find me to be a genuine, honest and well balanced person.

I accepted everything because I knew my husband was on my side an he was my kind.  We shared a great relationship anyway. I found solace in the thought that my husband did not have any such views. My friends and family told me that my husband matters to me in the long run and not the others. I thought that I need to make some adjustments for his sake.

Eventually I began finding it very tough to tolerate my super buttering fake and liar co-sister and my MIL’s submissiveness. My MIl made sure her submissiveness is very well inherited by her DILs also. I am never ready for it but I do not confront or argue. I just ignore it. I was given all the cooking responsibilities. My co -sis does the other activities (sorting out groceries/crockery/vegetables, arranging the table, monitoring the maids). my MIl helps wherever needed (this is super rare, only when we are making some new dish). We have maids in our house for all house work and the cooking is not exactly tough or taxing. But waking up according to their timings (Am a chronic insomniac, they know it) and putting up a happy face and cooking whatever they want, even when I am tired after my long day in the office, while my co-sis sits in front of the TV and passes orders to me in the kitchen, really took a toll on me. While I make non stop dosas and rotis for everyone at the dining table, I am alone in the kitchen dishing it out to them, I cant stop feeling like nothing but a maid/cook. Staying in my room all the time in the house got into me. I found it completely unfair that I had more domestic work to do even though I am a working woman, while my co-sister naps all day at home and does not do much other than trying to impress people with her sugar coated senseless talks. My husband still claims that his mother has distributed the work equally among the two.

I turned sour, angry, began having mood swings and vented out at my husband. He would try to empathize initially, but after some time, I could see him getting irritated. I realized that complaining/pointing out problems to someone about their family is something no one will like.

I missed the freedom to go out whenever i wanted, eat/cook/clean whenever I wanted. I missed the freedom to just be myself, feel happy/sad/excited at my own will and at my own times.

I could see our relationship suffering too. It was clear that he thought that I was not adjusting to his house. He made it clear many times that I could have ended in a much worse situation and expecting an open house like my parents’ or a free life like my single life is simply not done. This is my secret disappointment in him.

Within a year, I am tired of the kitchen politics, of the subdued life, of the skewed morals and unspoken and unreasonable expectations. I seem to have changed myself so much now, that nothing seems to make me happy now. Am not ambitious now, put my career on a total back burner, worrying that I might have to spend a lot of time in office if I take up more responsibilities,  rarely wish to meet people now, am always grumpy and sad for no good reason with feelings of regret and depression (I signed up for all this) always looming over me. I am just unable to make myself happy and feel like my dream of a happy marriage has crashed. Now I just think of marriage as contract to go serve some stranger family. As a matter of fact, am simply over sentimental now (Totally opposite of what I was and seriously stupid) and lack clear views now.

My husband is also tired of this women issues at his place and he wants out separately.

But the problem is, I feel very guilty to do it. I just cannot see myself separating him from his family and living in the same city. Am sure he will be sad about it. I don’t feel like hurting his parents at all as they have treated me well enough.

It also scares me that I will be blamed for it and I will be seen as a villain in the family.

What should I do?

How do I get over these feelings and figure out the right thing to do in this situation.

Please help.

Thanks

ANNNNND... 

the following is the knee jerk comment i wrote... don't even know if IHM allowed the comment or deleted it.. but i wanted to put it up here anyway...

is this woman for real??? while i agree with the resentment for forcing a clothing style on you… WHY is she’s whining about how she has to arrange her time to wake up/clean etc according to her MIL’s decisions??? when you lived at home with your parents, didn’t you have a curfew/ bedtime/ get yourass to the dining table time???

living with ANYONE, even if you live independently with a roommate needs adjustment.. and from your letter, it seems more the the resentful whining of someone who has lived on her own for too long to deal with adjusting with anyone… if you truly cannot deal with the drama, the stop with the pity party and get the hell outta there, you say that your husband would also want to leave the joint family right?? then shut down the guilt and just DO it… the family might say shit for the first few weeks, but here is the good part.. you won’t be around to hear them…

what i fail to understand is this “i don’ want to be the one taking him away from family”, “what is he resents me” routine… you’re not kidnapping a baby from his ma. if he truly loves you and both of you want your own place, then just get up and do it. family will come around eventually…

coz let me tell you, i am an educated unmarried woman living and working in Delhi, I live with my parents, and my parents impose the same ‘wake up to help ma cook breakfast- help set the table for lunch- eat dinner at the dining table with family’ rules on the days taht i am at home… even parents try to impose a curfew if possible.. EVERY parent with a kid does it…. the ‘cooler’ parents just have a later curfew.

if you have an issue with the “women’s drama,” then TALK to your husband and MIL separately.. tell your husband that you would like it if he starts helping around the house.. make sure he knows that he better start offering to help without making it sound like you are forcing him into it..
ask your SIL if she would like it if her husband helped out at times… have these conversations separately with all of them and make sure they don’t know that you had the same conversation with the other person.. . instead of keeping to your room and not trying to interact with them, just try and find some middle ground.. its called FAMILY!

I am a 26 year old girl, and god knows i can’t deal with the saas bahu gossip the aunts and bhabis in my family get upto, but that doesn’t mean that i stop interacting with them… didn’t you have any people in your family who you just didnt have ANYTHING in common with but had to deal with anyway coz they were family?? put that experience to use..

as for the whining about standing in the kitchen making rotis, just ask the maid to do it if you dislike it so much!! you say that you have maids, and don’t really have tyo do much, then what on earth are you whining about??? In my house, if the maid is on leave, then the job of making rotis falls to my mom or me or my dad, and yeah obviously whoever is making the damned rotis eats last…
its called division of labor…
and if you are too tired after work to do stuff in the kitchen.. just SAY it out loud… swap chores, offer to help clean up on the weekend if your SIL will take on kitchen duty for the weekdays.. because i am wiling to bet anything that THAT is what happened when you lived at home with your siblings.

you're the Man now...

misogyny and affirmation of patriachy come in hues so varied that sometimes you can't even tell its there, and sometimes it is so brutally in your face that you're left gasping in shock at it..
i could write reams about the recent incidents of "harassment" at workplace that happened in the much venerated halls of teh judiciary and the media.. but enough newsprint has already been spent on it.. my concern is with a little more insidious and "oh its a joke" kind...
has anyone seen the new Park Avenue perfume advertisement? the one which shows a guy 'marking his territory' like an animal?? THAT ladies and gentlemen is what has my hackles rising..

since i'm writing on a computer where youtube is blocked, i'm gonna have to write down the story sequence of the ad..
there is a woman siting at a bar
a guy approaches, tries to chat her up
another guy, presumably a husband or boyfriend, all dolled up in a nice suit and gelled back hair, sprays his Park Avenue perfume on the bar stool beside her, and says "my territory"
Guy 1 tries to pick up her drink, Guy 2 sprays on that too, staking his claim
finally, guy 2 sprays the perfume on and around the girl, saying 'all mine' as he does so...
the girl? oh she's staring vapidly at the two men as if she has no b%^$ idea whats going on..
the ad ends with the tagline of "real men mark their territory with their scent"

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME!!!!

what exactly is this ad trying to show?? men are animals? women are to be 'protected'? or simply that people in whatever ad firm that thought this up have zero respect for women or men for that matter..??
mark your territory??
so you're a dog or something that needs to piss on things to feel like the master of the domain?? the woman is "territory" with no brains or tongue of her own?

civilization and civility demands that we learn to respect people as People, as individual persons, and here we have an Ad that not only reduces a woman to an object with no mind of her own, you also have an ad that suggests that even the well heeled, (hopefully) educated upper class men have to behave like anmals and disrespect their partner if they want to "be Men.'

its one of the worst, most brainlessly put together ads I have seen in recent memory... 

the futility of life and death

The crowd cheered and clapped and shouted with relieved vengeance today as the four rapist-murderers were sentenced to hang. People shouted bloodthirsty slogans calling for stricter punishment for the juvenile.

I don't know what it says about us as a society that we ask for bloody vengeance when shaken out of our stupor but live in a fog of acceptance to everyday harassment.

I am a reporter, I am a woman living in Delhi.

As a reporter, it is my job to meet strangers and go places. As a woman, i travel with a purse large enough that it can cover my torso/ back when taking public transport and carry pepper spray in a pocket. The spray has thankfully never been used, the bag serves its purpose every day.

Am i happy that these men who tore at that hapless girl like beasts will now hang? Yes.

Even if the idea of killing makes me uneasy, i am used to the idea that rabid dogs must be put down, and an animal which has tasted blood will forever seek it.

But who is this animal that's tasted blood??

After the gleeful protesters left the court and the police slowly began retreating, it was only a handful of reporters and random people on the road outside the Saket court. And on that empty road as I walked towards the exit, some unknown man deliberately walked up behind me, bumped into my arm, and kept walking as if nothing had happened.

There was at least 10 ft of empty space on every side around me.. And yet he walked close enough to touch my hand.

Less than 30 minutes after protesters shouted slogans for women's safety and death to rapists. less than 50 meters from where the protesters gathered.

I don't know who that man was.

I didn't even react to his behaviour because its been drilled into me since childhood to not react, step away and walk on.

And today especially i feel violated more than ever.

What was the point of these protests and the sentence and the so called sensitization for the past year??

Who does this death sentence serve as a deterrent for??

would this judge hav said something like this had the lying complainant been a man?

ofcourse not, no one would EVER imply that simply because one man made a false complaint, the entire 'male species" were lying bastards would they? atleast not on judicially stamped judgements they wont... but please feel free to paint ALL women black because one woman lodged a false complaint against her friend's  ex boyfriend... even when you don't actually have any proof that the complaint in question was actually filed on the ex's say so.. you just take the fact that its "probable" the the ex's friend filed a fake complaint, and blame ALL women for being vindictive b****s
The Pioneer

The Indian Express


Justice indeed...

Court acquits man, holds he was implicated at ex-girl friend's
behest
    New Delhi, May 13 (PTI) A Delhi court has acquitted a man
of the charge of attempting to kill a woman, saying he was
implicated at the instance of his ex-girl friend to settle
scores with him.
    While deciding the case, the court said there was no
apparent reason or motive for the accused to assault the
victim, who was the friend of his estranged lover, and the
possibility of framing him in the criminal case could not be
ruled out.
    "Female of the species are more dangerous, which seems to
be correct. A woman scorned is capable of doing anything as in
the process, the social norms, customs and for that matter
even the law cannot be an obstacle or a deterrent. The instant
case seems to be one such example," Additional Sessions Judge
Vimal Kumar Yadav said.
    The court acquitted East of Kailash resident Jitender for
allegedly assaulting the woman on the night of April 12, last
year after entering her house and, thereafter, fleeing the
spot by locking her inside. The woman's brother had lodged the
complaint at Amar Colony police station against Jitender.
    The court said the woman's testimony and the surrounding
circumstances were not appealing to logic and reason and the
testimony of other witnesses were contrary to normal human
conduct and behaviour which could not be relied upon to hold
the accused guilty.
    Holding that the whole episode was "shrouded under
mysterious circumstances", it said, "Apparently, things have
got intertwined in a complex jumble which makes the picture
quite hazy and in turn case doubtful."
    The court said that the story on behalf of the accused
seemed probable that "he has been falsely implicated in order
to settle scores at the instance of his ex-girl friend with
whom he was having a kind of affair, which had reached the
stage of getting married also..."
    It asked as to why the victim was not taken to hospital
by her brother on the night of the incident or the next day
and instead her friend had called the police control room and
had taken her to the hospital.
    "Thus, the possibility of framing the man in the criminal
case due to the injury sustained by the victim accidentally or
self-inflicted, cannot be ruled out," it said.

nirbhaya

Sing with me, sing for the years
Sing for the laughter, sing for the tears
Sing with me, just for today
Maybe tomorrow, the good lord will take you away...
.
.
.
.
.
.
the songs says 'dream on'
i hear something completely different..
I can see them, hear them.. the don't expect me survive, but they're terrified to let me die.. I am too stubborn to let go... the world will erupt in flames if i do, don't you know..

My heart gave out twice, they pumped it back on, my body has been torn to shreds, by the monsters who my champions are out to kill, and a little bit by the healers in their quest to sew me back together again and defy god...

They were out on the streets fighting for me just yesterday, those who stood by and watched as i bled out, almost to the point of dying... they've adopted me as their new inspiration.. I am 'Nirbhaya" the fearless one, their "amanat.' their legacy..

 i am the image that they have of a fighter who will live despite everyone wishing for her death, despite how badly those wolves tore my body... Now new wolves are out hunting my scent.. they are the ones who will lick up teh spilled blood from the streets and feed their war machines with it. the propaganda will go out, loud and strong.. there will be proud men in prouder uniforms, telling the world that they fought off the monsters, they made the world safe for me and my sisters, so that when i finally do leave this world, my fighters won't set them on fire..

I can hear them chanting outside my window.. those who 'fight for me'.. they don't care that the didn't bother to raise their voice before mine was destroyed. they don't care that the wolves they fight lurk amongst them, they don't notice the tattered wool that clings to the wolves they see as sheep.. they even ignore the screams of my sisters who are being snatched away by different bands of wolves even as they continue their chants for my good health...

I do dream you know... i still live.. i dream of a day that i went out with a friend, had a fun evening, and went back to my parents unmolested.. i dream of a day that i walked across a road to my sister without the laughter of a hyena or the growl of a wolf behind my back.. i dream of a time when they would fight off the wolves and not sit back and watch as they tore at me, encouraging them with their indifference and their contempt for 'my kind'. i dream of setting up and walking and talking and acting like a human being.. i dream of being treated like a thinking, feeling, LIVING human being with the right to travel within my city without their eyes following me in the darkness..


and i dream on... till that dream comes true...

wake up! its not just the police, its us too...

"protest' they say, 'Raise your voice', 'down with government", "down with police and inefficient justice"... does anyone remember that a whole lot of bystanders, the so called "PEOPLE" stood by and stared while the rape victim and her friend were bleeding on the road and inching towards death...???? Civility, civic sense are dead.. social values are dead, what use is your 'outrage' when you still don't stop to help someone in desperate need? what price 'humanity' when you are so quick to judge a girl whose doing nothing except walking down a street, accompanied by a boy?

There's a 23 year old battling for life after having been brutalized by 6-7 men in a moving bus. Her friend, a boy who offered to drop her home as Delhi is 'too unsafe' had to stay in the hospital too because he was beaten with iron rods for trying to stop the drunken men from teasing his friend. there is 'outrage' and 'protests' and talk of death penalty for rape..
and everyone knows that this too shall die down... courts and NGOs and activists have been saying for years that we need to revise rape laws, make provisions for quicker disposal, stricter punishment... when we don't even have the legal provisions punish the sheer horror that this episode was.. it wasn't just a sexual assault, it was a concerted, sickening show of violence against the girl and the boy for standing up to the men who were 'teasing' her. 
She has been beaten, raped, given nearly irreparable internal injuries, hanging on to life by a thread and fighting to stay alive.. and the most the laws can do is book them for attempted murder.. we don't have provisions for punishing aggravated sexual assault, we have procedures that ensure that these cases drag on for years even in the 'fast track' courts which still take two years to decide 'fast track' cases.. 
and we have politicians and political wannabes and publicity hounds who do stupid things like 'visit the victim and her family' at the hospital where she is battling for her life, for the sake of a photo op..

we have 'the people' who will scream and protest and write blogs but will not bother to slow down and stop at the side of the road when there's a bleeding body slumped on the sidewalk.. who won't bother to give basic medical aid or even a cloth to cover up a semi nude, battered person lying before them.. 
we have people who are asking why they 'stepped onto a private bus?' or 'why were they out so late'? 9 pm is late??? thats when all offices start closing!! why would anyone NOT step onto a public bus that is taking passengers, with a conductor shouting out the destination and selling tickets? the problem is with the attitude of 'why bother'.. the problem is with this inertia... you shout and protest and make a big to do about it, and the next morning when some other news breaks you move on to the next topic... questions of basic safety, civic sense, morality remain unanswered... 
and a woman gets harassed or hurt every day....

here's something i saw on IHM's Blog about the attitude of people in this country towards women..

watching a devotional movie with the eyes of an atheist

So what makes Jab Tak Hai Jaan's Meera different from the dyed in the wool devoted sati savitris of yesteryear Bollywood? the type that we saw in movies like "jai santoshi maa"..??

The intensely devoted to god with a Pooja ki thaali perennially in her hand 'good girl' of the days gone by has been replaced with a "i don't wanna marry an Indian boy" cigarette smoking, minidress wearing 'businesswoman', but she is still following the 'god will do as i ask if i pray hard enough" motto of any true blue (K)Ekta Kapoor heroine....
She makes bargains with a perpetually surrounded by candles statue of Jesus in a gorgeous London church, but ultimately decides that her love's life is at stake since she broke her promise to daddy and Jesus to marry whoever daddy had chosen for her..

I actually cringed at her dialogue when she told SRK that she had to pray to all gods for his wellbeing since he kept getting into'life threatening' accidents! (and if i start ranting about his f%^&%# accidents thats another whole blogpost)

I guess Meera personifies my own confusion about what 'feminism' and 'strong womanhood' is... and where faith and devotion fits into the convoluted lines of tradition and modernity... is a 'god will provide' attitude an outdated concept? or is making life choices with faith firmly entrenched in your conscience modernity, coz you have a moral validation for your life choices that do after all remain YOUR life choices, notwithstanding the 'god' looking over your shoulders...

She behaves as her daddy and 'society' expects her to, is devoted to god completely, even though she tends to bargain with god, saying that she'd give up chocolates, or cigarettes, or her boyfriend, if god would continue to give her daddy happiness and keep her lover alive. and yet she is strong in her convictions... she goes out whenever she wants, does charity work for the poor and underprivileged every day, falls in love and decides NOT to marry daddy's choice and wait for her love... she is a 'businesswoman', even though we don't ever see her doing anything except looking pretty in tiny dresses(in the London snow no less) and gallivanting around with SRK the 28 year old..

 Heck she's strong enough to deny herself her love, refuse to marry daddy's choice and live the life of a nun coz she choose not to be with the man she loves in order to "keep him alive" as is her last bargain with god...

Shahrukh's 'Samar' is the opposite of Meera's devotion. he constantly challanges god, dares him to do his worst.. He doesn't believe in any divine plans, he doesn't care about god but has his own moral code in which his lover's the sole deity... he only backs down from what he wants not coz its something 'god' decreed, but its what Meera wants... "do this for me" is the line that gets him everytime... even when he rushes to join the army and put himself in front of live ammunition and explosives for breakfast,lunch and dinner... i half expected him to go "aaj khush to bohot hoge tum" when he's arguing with god and the surprisingly aptly named Meera about her choices and his life...

Samar reminds me of Krishna's words in the 12th chapter of the Bhagvadgita... "he who does his duty with complete devotion and aids his fellow man is my favorite, even if he denounces me and refuses to worship me..."

and yet the image of Katrina Kaif holding an arti ka thaal while wearing a little chiffon minidress (which i would LOVE to get) is just so incongruous that i can't figure out what the hell the movie trying to show..

"its not a story of courage, its a story of undying love"... blerrggghhhhhh

...............
on a slightly different note...
I think the depiction of journalists/filmmakers and army personnel in the movie turned my head around so much that i think i'm incapable of  liking it despite the awesome music...
When i heard of an Army Bomb disposal squad with an embedded documentary filmmaker..  THAT is not how i pictured it!!!!!!!! i don't know any 21 year olds who behave the way Anushka Sharma does in the movie... i can't even IMAGINE anyone 'serious' about their work being that unprofessional during a shoot..
and SRK.. i'm officially over the adoration i had for you as a teenager.. even though you've finally given up on trying to play a college kid.
Hamare ishq k waqt nikal chuka hai...
hmph...... 

Has anyone seen this show called 'PunarVivaah'?

Having grandparents at home guarantees that you will be exposed to those god-awful saas bahu sagas that run on TV all day.. I get fleeting glimpses of most of them since I tend to drift in and out of the living room at various points of the day..

Has anyone seen this show called ‘PunarVivaah” on Zee?? It started out as this progressive sounding show about a widower and a divorcee who get married to each other via an arranged marriage. It started out showing the heroine as this awesome independent woman who took care of her 4 year old son and her in-laws and took on the world with a hockey stick… and now the woman has been reduced to the caricature of the downtrodden Bahu in the home of her new husband, who incidentally is still so in love with his dead wife that they live in a room that is little more than a shrine to the dead girl.

lets recap the episode I saw today shall we…

• ·         The couple, plus their three Kids (one hers, two his) return from a holiday with the man in a towering temper for some unexplained reason.
• ·         The woman walks in crying, the man frowning, and the family is stunned and stares at them walking in
• ·         the man walks off somewhere, presumably work or whatever
• ·         the ENTIRE 20 member family, including elder brother and bhabi, Father and mother in law, little sister in law and aunt in law, alongwith the girl’s mother corral the girl in the drawing room and start asking her why their boy was so unhappy “when she had promised them she would make him happy.”
• ·         NO ONE of the gathered lot tries to comfort her in any manner whatsoever..
• ·         The mother in law gets into this whole “I will never trust you again coz you made my son unhappy” rant
• ·         meanwhile the poor heroine is literally on her knees on the floor in tears, begging them all to say that they trust her. She’s asking them all to listen to her, she’s begging them to understand that she hasn’t done anything to anger him or hurt him.
• ·         and then the MIL stalks off after giving her an earful.
• ·         and NO one questioned the man because he’s simply stalked off in anger.

what I don’t get is, does no one care about the fact that this woman is also desperately unhappy???? The in-laws treat her as some servant who is only there for their son’s sake. she can’t eat or wear or go anywhere as she pleases. She is no more than a nanny for the kids because that man refuses to accord her so much as the respect due to a wife. She is living in a room filled with pictures of another woman, who is remembered by the entire family as this paragon of perfection. She has to practically beg the family to even be allowed to live in the house. Her happiness of no import?

why is the man not asked a single question? why is it that the sole responsibility for the marriage working out on her??? why does NO ONE care that the injured party in the case is HER and not that man who simply shoved bags in a car and drove off?

and most importantly.. WHY the hell is the family interference limited to badmouthing her??? if they are so interested in scrutinizing their marriage, why do they not ever see that the man is doing nothing whatsoever to make his wife even feel comfortable and wanted?

why is it that TV shows simply reinforce these disgusting stereotypes? Why is it that the man can just do anything and the woman is so dependant on his approval for happiness that she has to grovel before the entire family to be allowed the right to live in her marital home? Why is it that the wife is blamed if the man is even slightly inconvenienced but no one raises an eyebrow at the fact that this man obviously wants nothing to do with her and is simply living in the past? She has gone through a hellish divorce, but no one has ever said that the guy should be trying to put a smile on her face just as she is made responsible for his happiness.

She is supposed to find contentment simply because she is married again?? why is no one asking the In laws about why they treat her with so much indifference?? even her own mother departs the house after some platitudes about how true love conquers all!!

She is supposed to be happy simply coz she has sindur on her forehead and her son has a “father” again?? even though her in- laws treat her so poorly and the husband is indifferent? just because he claims to “respect” her and lets her stay in his house??

She seemed much happier to me in the initial episodes. When she zipped around the city on a scooty, taking care of her son, assisting her parents in their business. taking down rude shopkeepers with sharp words and goondas with a wicked right hook.

Women, violence and religion.

Article in Foreign Policy Magazine WHY DO THEY HATE US by Mona Elthawhny

how many times is it that issues of violence against women are ignored in the midst of obfuscation created by questions of 'culture', 'safety' and 'propriety'.

practically every civilisation in the world over the course of history has placed maximum value on the 'purity' and 'safety' of the women of the society as the benchmark for the 'safety of the Culture'. from foeticide to locking women in the house to laws denying rights to women to dowry to the earlier practices of jauhar and Sati, women have somehow  been the bearers of the responsibility to uphold social virtue.

These slogans, used during the Delhi Slutwalk covers my response and the frustration that women worldwide have with this patriarchal attitude

so just what are they teaching the police in the so called "sensitization sessions"

Here is a quick reckoner. In 2010, as many as 414 rape cases were reported in Delhi, the highest among 35 major cities in the country. According to the National Crime Records Bureau (NCRB), the conviction rate in rape cases in the capital was a dismal 34.6 percent.

In a two-week long investigation, Tehelka undercover reporters posing as research scholars, visited 23 stations across the NCR and spoke to more than 30 policemen with experience of 20-30 years.

cover story in TEHELKA magazine

NDTV report

Seventeen senior cops of over a dozen police stations across Gurgaon, Noida, Ghaziabad and Faridabad were caught on spy camera blaming everything from fashionable or revealing clothes to having boyfriends to visiting pubs to consuming alcohol to working alongside men as the main reasons for instances of rape. 'It's always the woman who is at fault' was in essence the argument offered by a majority of the cops. Many of them believe that genuine rape victims never approach the police and those who do are basically extortionists or have loose moral values. Others believe that the women from Northeast could never be victims of forced sex as they are invariably involved in the flesh trade. Even more shockingly, some of them are of the view that if a woman has consensual sex with one man, then she shouldn't complain if his friends also join in. If a woman is doing late hours at the office then she had it coming... and the arguments keep coming.

misogynistic and completely ridiculous arguments from people who would rather blame the victim than do their actual job.

Yes i agree that there are a shocking number of false cases filed as far as sexual crimes are concerned.. but that doesn't mean that one dismisses real concerns out of hand, and it REALLY doesn't mean that a woman out of the house alone is "asking for it"

You aren't a 'woman' here.. you're the "Vakil Madamji"

Child marriage is an accepted, if outwardly hidden norm for a large section of Indian Population even today. despite the various warnings and "social awareness"  about the detrimental effects of child marriages on the children, the family and society. Having an express Law banning child marriages doesn't seem to have worked very well because people are still stuck in the "lets get them out of our hair and to their 'own' family as soon as possible" mindset. 

infact, i recall having a major argument with someone recently about child marriages and the impact they have on the girl. shockingly, this guy was a "social worker" employed at one of Delhi government's 'Gender Resource Centres', which are run by NGOs in the city and provide employment, education, self help aid, legal and medical aid to poor women.This man has been working there for over a year, raising awareness about education and social issues such as gender based violence, population, sanitation etc. he's a graduate from IGNOU and belongs to what passes as a 'well off family' in the area, roughly as lower service class family. 

and despite the fact that this man is employed by an NGO that seeks to empower women., his outlook is set firmly in the tiny little box that his 'community' allows. 

The first argument he gave in favour of child marriages was a very cliche'd "why bother educating girls when all they have to do is take care of the house?" this while more than half his co-workers are women. 

the second was "these people are poor, they cannot afford to feed and take care of girls". This when his co-workers are active contributors to the family coffers and he himself is working with women's financial self help groups.

third- "madamji people say bad things about women who roam around outside the house and tallk to strange men" THIS when i was sitting in the office of the NGO with him alone and having this discussion.. so did that  mean that according to this man I and all teh wormen working in his pffice were not worthy of his 'respect' because we were out of our houses?? 

he apologised for the last remark though when he realised that i had taken serious offence to al his arguments. He stubbornly refused to take back his arguments though, and as a last word, his closing argument was "madamji you belong to a different society. Here people respect you because you are from a different social strata and are educated. No one sees you as a 'single young girl' here. You are the "Vakil Madamji".

so when the society refuses to give these girls and boys any identity beyond their membership of the family, when their aspirations, their very existence as a rational being is denied, is it really a surprise that the government needs to take seemingly weird, drastic measures to ensure that laws are complied with?

This is the news item that prompted this post:

Bharatpur admin makes DoB of bride, groom must on wedding card

PTI | 06:03 PM,Mar 31,2012

Jaipur, Mar 31 (PTI) To check child marriages, Bharatpur district administration in Rajasthan has taken an unique initiative of making it mandatory to print date of birth of the bride and groom on wedding invitation cards. A circular was issued on Thursday, directing all press owners in the district to print the cards only after taking age proof of bride and groom. "Legal action will be taken against such press and registration would be cancelled if they fail to do it...To check that they are following the guidelines, we will conduct surprise check," Bharatpur District Collector Gaurav Goyal said today. "The step is aimed at ensuring that no child marriage takes place on the upcoming occasion of Aakha Teej," he said, adding that the order is for two months now and may extend further. Child marriages are rampant on the occasion of Akshya Tritiya particularly in rural areas in the state.

wow..

so i came across this amazing story about a poem describing Radha's anger at Krishna for abandoning her...

love-sex-aur-maafi- OPEN Magazine

I'm glad that in a country full of people who so adore to protest against any piece that in an manner whatsoever criticises a God's divinity, such works exist and are being appreciated...

The Dignity of Court

I pray for the indulgence of the HONORABLE court and my esteemed colleagues and seniors, but as a woman, I present this case solely from the woman's perspective.

One would imagine the Delhi High Court to be full of well educated, genteel people who twist and turn the interpretations of the Law to suit their clients' interests. However, today I learnt that no matter what you may perceive on seeing the black coat and gown and band, the MAN triumphs over the Gentleman.... Today, 13th January 2012, a Male Advocate of the Delhi High Court first misbehaved with and then slapped a Lady advocate IN court.
there may ofcourse exist numerous variations in the story depending on one's political/gendered/hearsay perspective. the facts on record so far stand thus:

There were two lawyers, one male and one Female present before the Joint Registrar's Court, a crowded room, presenting arguments over a matter.
The gentleman in question jostled against the lady, who told him to stand back.
the gentleman after a heated altercation, put his hand on the lady's chest and pushed her. More than once.
The lady slapped him
the gentleman slapped her in retaliation...

There were several people present in court and the number of slaps and the number of pushes are unclear. There are several versions of this story.

But the facts that each story contains are.
he touched her- she slapped him- he slapped her back.

You would expect any person who accidentally brushes against you to simply apologise and move away. this man didn't. He  got aggressive- he pushed her, touching her Breast in the process. and instead of apologising, shouted at her and slapped her!

the registrar after some efforts to pacify the situation there reported the matter to the Chief Justice of the Delhi High court. the CJ, after hearing both sides and a few other people who were present on the scene held the man in Contempt of Court and punished him. His punishment- Judicial Custody for 7 days and Disbarment for 2 months.

and the High court erupted.
there were many many male lawyers who were outraged at the fact that a lady lawyer had slapped a man in court. several others refused to let a member of the Bar be sent to Jail.
To their credit, there were many more lawyers who felt that the man in question had been sent off lightly after he had compromised the dignity of the Court,

but as of Five PM, the order sending this man to jail had not been passed. There was an active lobby trying to ensure that he didn't go to jail, and there were people questioning the credentials of the Lady in question and dismissing her complaint as false... The Chief Justice was trying to create a compromise wherein the man tendered an apology and the Jail sentence could be dismissed.

 Worse still, elements of regionalism, sexism and communalism had crept in to the discussion.
the Man belongs to Bihar- The woman shouldn't have slapped him

Is THAT what is more important than the fact that a so called officer or the court had seriously misbehaved with a Lady officer of the Court?

A woman has been molested and humiliated in front of colleagues, clients and court officials. And there are people protesting against punishing the Man responsible!
what message does that send out to the men of this country? do whatever you want and just say sorry, all will be forgiven?? or that if you're aggressive enough and shout enough we'll make sure the women shut up and not say a word when you molest them?


EDITED TO ADD------------------------

The advocate concerned was finally sent to Judicial custody for 7 days and disbarred for 2 months.

so as everyone with a brain had predicted, the lokpal bill is back to gathering dust...

i haven't written anything on the blog in a very long time.. i havn't even had an opportunity to read the blogs i follow for a while.. blame it all on my technological ignorance because somehow i'd managed to halt my laptop's ability to function... 

anyway,

There have been many many things i should've written about.. 

As predicted, the lokpal bill is back on the backburner while politicians who pretended to favour the bill have hidden behind issues of caste and representation and 'fairness' ... though i find myself absolutely unable to understand why the question of reservation in a body like this ever came up.. the criteria should be whether the person has any allegations of corruption against them, and have a certain level of education.. and the backbone to stand up and tell powerful people that they are on to them... but what do i know of politics and policy, i'm just a humble student...

The comments made by some "people in power" about what a girl should wear to avoid rape were true gems... now if they could just explain why i'm still getting whistled at when in a salwar kameez and shawl and coat with even my hair covered up because the Delhi winters are murderously cold... i would supposed i "invited" the eve teasing were i strutting around in an LBD, but why would these "decent men" be "enticed" by someone who looks like a bear???? 

the new year has come in and we're all waiting to see if 2012 will actually be the end of the world.. i'm sorta hoping it will because my parents are getting increasingly agitated about my marriage and once i'm done studying i won't have an excuse to stop them from "atleast looking for a suitable boy"... so here's hoping the Mayans were right.. but considering they also thought that people were made of corn i'm not so sure my prayers will get answered... plus the Hindu calendar never ends and being an Indian i'm gonna have to believe that one...

forgive my lack of sunshine and roses... January 2012 has been a bang up month so far...and to top it all off Sachin never got that 100th ton...

i think i'll stay in bed and watch movies till the apocalypse.. oh wait.........

consent, sexual abuse and "love"... how does one judge?

so a senior of mine sent me a mail about a discussion regarding this Article in the Times of India..
I invite all to comment.

the text of the article is this:

‘Love not crime’, teen’s lover freed

TIMES NEWS NETWORK 

New Delhi: “The act of falling in love cannot be punished in the way other criminals are punished”. With this observation, a trial court acquitted a 22-year-old on charges of raping his 15-year-old girlfriend, although it held him guilty of kidnapping as he had not taken the consent of her parents. The girl went missing on April 1, 2010, on which her father lodged a complaint that she had been kidnapped. She, however, returned home after a week. The teenager told the court that she had gone on an “outing” to Haridwar with her lover of her own will. The court also noted that the relationship between the two was later approved by both families. Convicting Sanjay, a resident of Jahangirpuri, on charges of kidnapping, additional sessions judge Anju Bajaj Chandna sentenced him to three months in jail, but the term was set aside against the imprisonment he had already undergone during trial. “It is clear that emotion of love and affection compelled the convict to take this step wherein he failed to acknowledge the presence and sanctity of consent of the parents of the girl,” the court said.

“Sanjay is a young man and is in the process of making his career and future. In my opinion, no purpose would be served by sending him behind bars where he would be living in the company of hardened criminals.”

The judge added that the three months which Sanjay spent in jail was sufficient to teach him a 

“Sanjay is a young man and is in the process of making his career and future. In my opinion, no purpose would be served by sending him behind bars where he would be living in the company of hardened criminals.”

The judge added that the three months which Sanjay spent in jail was sufficient to teach him a “Sanjay is a young man and is in the process of making his career and future. In my opinion, no purpose would be served by sending him behind bars where he would be living in the company of hardened criminals.” The judge added that the three months which Sanjay spent in jail was sufficient to teach him a lesson.

The prosecution alleged that said that the girl returned home on April 8, 2010, when a case was registered against Sanjay that he had kidnapped her and raped her.

The girl, however, told the court that she had gone to Haridwar with Sanjay for an outing on her own free will. The court refused to accept Sanjay's submission that he had not forced the girl to accompany him, saying the minor's consent was not valid. “I am of the opinion that even if no force has been used, the offence of kidnapping would be made out,” the judge said.

The prosecution alleged that said that the girl returned home on April 8, 2010, when a case was registered against Sanjay that he had kidnapped her and raped her.

The girl, however, told the court that she had gone to Haridwar with Sanjay for an outing on her own free will. The court refused to accept Sanjay's submission that he had not forced the girl to accompany him, saying the minor's consent was not valid. “I am of the opinion that even if no force has been used, the offence of kidnapping would be made out,” the judge said. The prosecution alleged that said that the girl returned home on April 8, 2010, when a case was registered against Sanjay that he had kidnapped her and raped her. The girl, however, told the court that she had gone to Haridwar with Sanjay for an outing on her own free will. The court refused to accept Sanjay's submission that he had not forced the girl to accompany him, saying the minor's consent was not valid. “I am of the opinion that even if no force has been used, the offence of kidnapping would be made out,” the judge said.

and the text of the mail was this:



This article appeared in Times of India, Pune edition on 26th Sep, 2011? Under IPC section 375, this should be a case of child sexual abuse because the girl is 15 years old and the abuser is 22 years old. Do you think this is a justified exception since age of consent is an artificial delineation and ignores the reality that younger adolescents may also be indulging in sexual activities? Do you think the judge is being humane in not criminalizing a consensual romantic relationship since the girl has declared her consent to the sexual relationship?
Is this a dangerous precedent? Does it leave too much to the discretion of the judge? Will it lead to failure of the law to protect young children from sexual abuse? We think the article raises a lot of tricky questions related to child protection and law. 

My reply to this email was the following



If i may put forward my views..
yes, decriminalising consensual sex is the need of the hour. adolescents today are much more aware of their minds and bodies and are exposed to a lot of inputs from all over the word. However, we will be missing a very essential point if we only take into account the fact that the girl says that she gave consent out of 'love'. further, what this question here is doing is assuming that "love" essentially involves sexual relations.

while i agree with sir (a previous email from another lawyer that said that consent is important because children are often punished under such laws) that "love is a delicate and soft emotion", it is, at the end an Emotion which is very transient and can easily be confused with infatuation or plain pressure. 

I personally know of situations where school and college students feel the need to consummate their "love" because of peer pressure... "you will say yes if you love me" is a much used line and not just in movies.. friends, movies etc a encourage exploration of sexuality. I can't take a national perspective but in elite schools of Delhi, losing one's virginity before leaving school is rapidly becoming a way of adding to one's "coolness". it gets even worse in colleges where being "single' is an invitation for taunts.

moreover, for someone as young as 15, there is ample scope for confusion between "love" and hormones... at that age, 'love' usually is a overdose of hormones.

the problem is of how one defines consent... and how one judges whether the person concerned is capable of giving consent..
as for the case that was mentioned in the email, i find it impossible to believe that the 22 year old in question did not know the age of the girl he was supposedly in "love" with. Nor do i believe that this 22 year old could not have waited for the girl to be a little more mature if he really "loved" her.
the sole reason why society governs sexual relationships is because society as a whole has to bear the burden if this "love" results in the production of a child/transmission of STDs/ mental or physical abuse of the girl or boy. we are running nationwide campaigns asking parents to not get their daughters married before age 18. one major point in the campaign is that she is NOT physically ready for sexual relations or childbearing. why then are we assuming that a teenager will be aware of safe sex practices or will in a situation where they think they're "in love" even stop to think of the consequences of their actions???

a 15 year old is a class 10 student. when the education system has been made easier and external examinations done away with on the premise that these children are "unable to handle the pressure", HOW does one imagine they can handle the pressure of a relationship??

Sure, two 15 year old having consensual sex should not be punished because neither of them really know better.. but a 22 year old, asking a 15 year old for sex in a "romantic relationship"???? i fail to agree that "consent" was there in such a relationship. If one of the partners was old enough to know better, they deserve to be punished for breaking the law..
I agree that consensual sex should not be punished... But i fail to read "consent" in a relationship that is as unequal as the one described in this case.