fuck Patriarchy.. I'm gonna have a drink....

so i don't know if it's just my parents who refuse to simply have my back and make simple excuses like "oh she has work" or even a "she's just gone to the loo/she's around somewhere"... or people in general are really THAT nosy bout my whereabouts coz i'm between 30-31, reasonably decent looking , educated and working... and ON this fucking "Marriage market"

i don't understand how this bloody patriarchy works.....
so today was a cousin's wedding...a second cousin on my mother's side who I hadn't seen  for close to a decade... and i decided to go participate in the ritual of a "Car-o- bar" with my male cousins because the only two female cousins on this side of the family were the bride and her sister who was basically obliged to be right next to the bride...
i decided, that given the lack of ANYONE my age and gender, i will just hang out with the boys.. because lets face it.. i've always found it easier to hang out with the boys.. but according to my parents,, EVERYONE asked about where i was... and "they're trying to get me married ad i've gone missing with the boys.. which apparently goves the worng impression.. and because the boys were drinking in the parking lot.. "who knows if one girl surrounded by 5 boys is their sister or some 'other woman"... like WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!
i honestly don't know if these ridiculous retsrictions are because my parents are a pair of repressed conservatives or the " society" really asks that many questions...
i was having a drink at a freaking wedding venue in full shiny attire with my cousins...because when i said i don't feel like attending the bloody wedding.. it was a "family event" that i was not gonna get out of..
i faithfully get home from work early and get dressed in a sari and fucking attend the wedding of the daughter of my mother's cousin.. who i have not seen, and am not likely to see for YEARS... i even participate in the "joota chupai" and go do the social sounds and say hello to everyone because that's what is expected of me... but going off AFTERT having done the social obligations is apparently damaging...
WHEN does this end?????????????????????????????
My mother actually told me that "everyone asked where i am" because i went  to have a drink with my male cousins.. and apparently.. when your parents have you on the Marriage mart,... going for a drink with the boys is a No No...becaase the entire community of close to 500 people present at the wedding have nothing better to do than note that i'm not demurely sitting by my mother;s side available for people to ask me inane things like where i work...

WHY THE hell is anyone interested in why i'm not sitting with my mother????? i'm over 30, and i've already done the social rounds for the night...for all anyone knows... i could be checking out the dessert section, or just lost in the crowded wedding... WHY do my parents subscribe to the patriarchial idea of how "society" expects a "good girl" to behave?\

i have no role to play in the wedding.. its just the patriarchal hallmark of a "good girl" who would participate in every family ritual and conveniently melt into the shadows when society expects her to be seen and not heard... I DID THAT ALERADY damnit!!!!!
how is it ANYONE's concern if i'm not at the dinner table with my parents at a social function?
:
or it it that my parent's suffer a particularly virulent form of "what will people say- itis" that makes their idea incomprehensible to me...

if the boys are "distant cousins who are not 'real' siblings... then WHY the hell am i expected to change work and after work plans to hang out with them?? if they are "like brothers.." then why does society have issues if i'm having a drink with them...
what exactly IS the point of having a horde of cousins if "society" Still has issues with me hanging out with my cousins.. i would rather have the option of saying "no thanks.. i;m not going"...

nirbhaya

Sing with me, sing for the years
Sing for the laughter, sing for the tears
Sing with me, just for today
Maybe tomorrow, the good lord will take you away...
.
.
.
.
.
.
the songs says 'dream on'
i hear something completely different..
I can see them, hear them.. the don't expect me survive, but they're terrified to let me die.. I am too stubborn to let go... the world will erupt in flames if i do, don't you know..

My heart gave out twice, they pumped it back on, my body has been torn to shreds, by the monsters who my champions are out to kill, and a little bit by the healers in their quest to sew me back together again and defy god...

They were out on the streets fighting for me just yesterday, those who stood by and watched as i bled out, almost to the point of dying... they've adopted me as their new inspiration.. I am 'Nirbhaya" the fearless one, their "amanat.' their legacy..

 i am the image that they have of a fighter who will live despite everyone wishing for her death, despite how badly those wolves tore my body... Now new wolves are out hunting my scent.. they are the ones who will lick up teh spilled blood from the streets and feed their war machines with it. the propaganda will go out, loud and strong.. there will be proud men in prouder uniforms, telling the world that they fought off the monsters, they made the world safe for me and my sisters, so that when i finally do leave this world, my fighters won't set them on fire..

I can hear them chanting outside my window.. those who 'fight for me'.. they don't care that the didn't bother to raise their voice before mine was destroyed. they don't care that the wolves they fight lurk amongst them, they don't notice the tattered wool that clings to the wolves they see as sheep.. they even ignore the screams of my sisters who are being snatched away by different bands of wolves even as they continue their chants for my good health...

I do dream you know... i still live.. i dream of a day that i went out with a friend, had a fun evening, and went back to my parents unmolested.. i dream of a day that i walked across a road to my sister without the laughter of a hyena or the growl of a wolf behind my back.. i dream of a time when they would fight off the wolves and not sit back and watch as they tore at me, encouraging them with their indifference and their contempt for 'my kind'. i dream of setting up and walking and talking and acting like a human being.. i dream of being treated like a thinking, feeling, LIVING human being with the right to travel within my city without their eyes following me in the darkness..


and i dream on... till that dream comes true...

if i lay here.. would you lie with me and just forget the world..

if I were in a better mood, I’d look at that picture of the skinny young man sitting on a bench outside a staircase and that picture of the girl rushing down a stairwell as eager young lovers flying past the centimeters that lie between them and the seconds that it will take for them to be together

if I were in a more fluffy pink clouds and hearts and roses mood I’d see the bunching of her thigh muscles as she takes the stairs two- three a a time to run towards the light and the warmth of love, I’d see the eager anticipation of his wringing hands as he breathes in and out as her footsteps come closer

were I in a mood to wish upon stars and dream of happily ever afters I’d paint a picture of what happens at the end of the frames before me, when the eager young lovers finally see each other and embrace and kiss and drown in their euphoria of finally being reunited, even if they’d only separated for the length of time it may have taken her to fetch her bag from her room upstairs before they sneak out of the college hostel and go for that walk they have been thinking about.. the moment where they are away proclaiming their love to the world by writing their conjoined names in trees and in the sand and shouting from the rooftops and telling all and sundry how in love and how happy they are..

but I’m not…

hearts and flowers and shiny fluffy clouds and gamboling puppies and young love isn’t what I see here..

I see a man hunched over in defeat, I see a car that hasn’t seen its young owners come inside to drive around and kiss in,  I see an empty room and a lover waiting for someone who will not come.. and I see  a girl walking down the stairs, away from the darkness that is the house in all its suffocating glory, towards the light of the outside world, an escape…

have mercy your honor!

its their questions i fear the most

coming at me from all sides as i cower into the corner.. the darkness in my mind unravelling, rivalling the darkness that surrounds the room

did you?

but?

what?

are you?

i want to scream out loud but my own voice refuses to cooperate.. my own self rebelling against the other, self righteous bitch that rules this corner most times

why shouldn't i?

why do i hold back?

why not do what THEY think i already have done.. 

its the days when 'being right' doesn't matter worth a damn because the only person judging you is yourself and i have the angel and demon inside my head telling me i'm wrong no matter which path i choose

no matter what i do, i'll end up backed into this very same dark corner

my lord the accusation is wholly unfounded and unjust!!

but is it really?

the snide cynicism is so clear in the voices

are you still here? i miss you......

What do I know of you? or us…..


Maybe my memory is playing tricks

We used to talk.. did we not??

Of everything and nothing…

or am I mistaken???

The good things and the bad,

the songs in our minds and the nightmares in our souls

Of dreams and our memories,

hopes and desires

What have we lost in all these years?

The words? The voice?

Or have we lost Us……?

Maybe I just don’t remember it right… who knows…….

do you know what day it is today???

They’ve started to come more often.. encircling me, flying around my little hideout and threatening to tear away my very existence.. I fight against them every single time.. cowering farther into the caves, fighting desperately to get out…


it’s the dark that is slowly creeping up from both sides.. it hems me in as I fight it, it creeps from inside the caves I shelter in… and light seems far away.. I see glimpses of stars in the night before they swoop in again, blacking out the stars.. sucking away warmth and happiness from my world… I’d read about creatures like those in a different lifetime.. Dementors.. who take away everything leaving only an empty shell behind… everything, including one’s soul.. I just hope I have a soul left to fight for…

my painting

It’s the most magical place you would ever see.. full of books and flowers and mirrors and light.. of stories of beautiful princesses and their handsome princes and happily ever afters.. its got pictures of puppies and babies and all the pretty things you can imagine… its even got a beautiful wall made of glass.. a wall size mirror before which I preen and pretend to be the queen of my world..

It is my kingdom…

and its besieged by monsters…

it is the mirror behind which they  sit.. watching me, watching everything I do, I can never see the but I know they’re there.. talking among themselves but never talking to me..

 oh they think they're being nice to me..

they send me food and clothes and new clothes and other pretty things,

they don’t think I know where I am…

but I do

I remember all of it.. from before

I remember the knife that I twisted and watched the colour spread slowly across his body.. and then the floor

I remember the little fountain that burst out when I took it out from his chest

I remember being fascinated by the glistening red

and the way it felt on my fingers when I started to paint

I painted the walls with flowers and clouds and a heart

it was the most perfect heart ever.. perfect and red and gleaming

it was my most beautiful painting

but then I had to come live in this room

it has everything I could ever ask for

but the only people I ever see are the ones that aren’t really there

they never speak to me

they don’t touch me

and that’s when I want to run away from the mirrored room and hide

I hate them..

they don’t let me paint…. 

lost. found. lost

I see you
that mirage
the passing shadow whose source I cannot find

I know you
know not from where
 but every beat of my heart recognizes your footsteps

I can feel you
the whisper in the wind,
the tentative touch that I can’t ignore

I can hear you
in songs, stories, dreams, all my life, but have I ever even met you?

I wait
for the day I catch up to the rushing mirage
for the day the breath of a whisper turns to words
for the day I find you
and myself 

again

its only when you lose everything that you're completely free to be yourself...

so we're already two days into 2011 and i'm enjoying the lazy sunday.. though i have tonnes of things-to-do lined up including straightening out my closet that has borne the brunt of being stuffed with everything i own in a hurry coz i wanted to leave for a new year's party.. i think i even stuffed a couple of my saris haphazardly into the shelf instead of hanging them as they should be.. but snuggling into a blanket is a much more appealing prospect :)

N n i ushered in the new year together again :) i think we've done that the last four years now.. this time would probably be the last though as she might not be in town next year.. though she did spend most of the night hanging out with her boyfriend and i spent it chatting and dancing with lots of ppl..


in the midst of that loud party however, the whiskey coursing through my veins and the hypnotic flames that were warming my feet took me into one of my I- have to write/type- this- down -right- now- moods. so this is what i typed in the haze and it actually surprises me that not only did i write this at all.. but i managed to not make too many typing errors. though i do suppose the T9 dictionary thats always on in my phone may be responsible for that..... its a little sad for something written at that time in that place.. i suppose sitting curled up alone by the fire with couples all around does that to one...

   it amazes me sometimes.. the sheer weirdness of the thoughts that erupt in flames. the red and gold of the flames reminds me of half- forgotten dreams as i stare into the fire with tongues of whiskey licking at my subconscious and dragging me to another world.. The warmth of the blazing embers takes me to a different word even as laughter and conversations of a thousand people surround me as the first light of a distant dawn breaks far over the horizon and beckons me into a dream.. a dream in which this fire draws me closer to its warmth and security.. a dream where the buzzing conversations retreat into the background and allow me to disappear into a new world of sensation.. a world where the bright lights from a passing car throw shadows of dreams across my conscious mind.. where i no longer feel alone in the cold but feel one with the world around me...

..................................................

on a completely unrelated note.. i finally watched Fight Club after several recommendations.. its a fascinating, albeit insane storyline.. its absolute chaos to the point that identity is lost..  chaos tightly controlled by a plan born out of insane denial of one's own thoughts.. scary as all hell if u really think about it.. 

broken wings

It is for you my love, its all for you..

the blood of my soul

 That spreads from me to you

The pieces of my heart scattered around the courtyard

As I lie dying crushed beneath your love

Its all for you.. only for you…

…………..

It just came to me

Like the remnants of a dream

As I lazed in that half aleep, not quite awake state

Just what is not no matter how much I may want it to be

A brush, dusted off and starting with a clean slate…

unfinished...

"i feel like talking.. thats why i called"
"just like that? "
"yeah.. if.. thats okay"
"uh.. yeah ofcourse.. i mean.."
"oh.. u were busy.. sorry.. i'll let you get back to your work..."

dial tone..

"damn... why didnt i just be civil?? i didnt have to talk to her.. annoying woman that she is.. anyway.. tonnes of work.. damn it.."
.......
rriiiinnnggg
her again? uggh...
"hello?"
"hello? hi do you know who this phone belongs to?? "
the voice was male.. a guy??? on her phone??
"umm.. who is this?"
"you are the last dialled number on this phone.. do you know who this phone belongs to??"
the voice sounded unnaturally loud.. she could also hear traffic in the background..
"er.. yes i do know her. but who are you and what are you doing with her phone??"
"i... i. need help.. this girl just almost jumped in front of my car.. i'm calling from _____ i'm taking her to teh hospital right now. can you please inform her family??? her screen smashed so i cant find any other numbers..."
"oh.. uh.. i .. yes i will. what hospital will you take her to?"

she stared at the phone for a few seconds once she hung up.. contact the family? she knew of teh family surely.. they'd been friends for a while.. surely someone would know.. she called other friends..
"do u know ____'s home number?? she just had an accident.."
"no.. maybe __ does.."
"can you call around and check with others??"
"'kay"
...........

why she was at the hospital she didnt quite know.. perhaps because she'd been the last to have heard from her. it had been a harrowing few hours.. family had been traced.. called. it had been a wierd call to make..

she was finally awake..
"hey.. how are you feeling?" thats such an inane question.. why did i even say that?
she started crying...
"i 'm sorry for all that trouble.. i didnt know what else to do... just felt like i couldnt live anymore.. there was no one who would care.. so.."

wait.. WHAT are you trying to say?? you actually jumped on that road?  it really wasn't an accident?

fire

Pain just licking the edges of my consciousness..


like the rough almost rash left behind on my soft skin from the stubble on his jaw... took me back to the crazy days we’d shared as children... competing against each other.. I determined to not let my femininity get in the way of the prize.. he equally determined to show me that he was better than me at just about anything.. we’d climb and race and wrestle and shout our way across the day.. and at the end, both exhausted curl up in each other’s arms till parents’ calls could no longer be ignored..

Then we’d have to face the anger that came forth from the deepest set fears of parents.. an anger that masked their deep rooted concern for our “future”.. in any other scenario we would have been betrothed as children.. maybe even married off and then left to compete in our childish games… maybe.. but then I would have had to be confined as only the married girls are.. I couldn’t have competed against or sworn at my husband.. but I digress..

As I said… maybe they would have gotten us married just to get rid of their worries about where we were or what we could get upto while playing unsupervised… but ofcourse they couldn’t.. we belonged to the same gotra.. we lived next door to each other in the same village.. the khap had forbidden us to be anything but playmates… our parents knew that well… they had watched peers being strung up in the banyan tree near the khap meeting place.. they had watched children of forbidden marriages grow up as orphan beggars on the streets of the village.. they wouldn’t have dared think about our marriage..



But we did..

As the games of childhood grew into desires of adolescence.. as we began to really see how different our bodies were.. a difference that excited us, enticed us… we fell in lust just as easily as we’d loved each other.. I was his life, he was mine... there was never a thought of any other for us.. whenever I was teased about going to my sasural.. I always thought of the door of his house opening to welcome me.. he only ever dreamed of me bringing him rotis and lassi on a hot day in the field..

The groves that had seen many a game of hide and seek also gave us a place where we hid from the rest of the world and spun our own dreams..



Till one day they saw us…

And all hell broke lose..

My parents promised that I would be married off outside the village within a month.. that was the only reason the khap didn’t cut us into pieces right there in the grove.. I had besmirched the family honour, they said.. only my father somehow insisted that killing me would not clear his name.. his stand against the village then was how my life didn’t end that day..

I pleaded and cried… from next door I could hear the echo of the same whipping stick- sound.. almost as if they both rose and fell in a rhythm with each other.. in the dead of the night I heard his broken whispers at my window.. how he had been left loose I don’t know.. I had been fettered to the wooden beam by the same thick rope that bound the big bull in his pen… he managed to crawl in undetected.. maybe the gods smiled upon us just then.. we crept away with the sunrise…

The tortuous trek to the police post 15 miles away, and then two days of pleading with the sahib there that we knew what we were asking for, that we were both old enough.. they told us to stay near the police station and not even try to contact our families if we wanted to live.. we took the blessings of the babu- sahib who sat in the courthouse to marry..



And then the gods stopped smiling.. a member of the khap saw him and guessed I would be where he was.. the mob descended on out little hut with the setting sun…and they set fire to it.. I was inside… he was dragged outside to be beaten and to watch as I burned.. we wouldn’t be allowed to die together… we couldn’t burn in the same pyre.. I watched from behind flaming walls as they sheathed their swords in his body…

as he fell to the ground and blood began to run… they spat at the spreading stream and began to walk away..

And he stirred.. silent, watching for their return.. and then he crawled into the flames to me.. I pushed with all my strength till the chair that was my captor fell to its side and I could drag it on the ground..

We managed to be in the same pyre… they wouldn’t be able to separate us now..

I smiled at him as the sting from the fire turned into a raging burn… our eyes never left each other.. with my last breath I told him I loved him.. and gave myself over to the darkness that would deliver us from the fear we had lived under forever..

I dreamed of you last night


The image swirling in dim light

Watched you smile at me.. and raise the dagger

Fell to the ground yet again


I dreamed of you last night

That void in my heart pulsed in fear

Of what had come and what could have come

And I woke up in a river of tears


I try to stay awake, not dream

And yet the voices surround me

The scars pull and bleed sometimes

As I run from what I’ve left behind me..

The man who can't be moved- the Script

heard this song today... and this story just wrote itself...

“caught pneumonia I guess.. crazy bastard… I offered to take him to the hospital.. but he just wouldn’t let me…”

“sat here and refused to move I tell u.. been here two weeks… all he did was sing bout that girl..”
“I know.. pretty in the picture,.. but cold hearted bitch I’d say.. left the boy at the altar..”
“whats sad is that no one came to get him away from here.. he’s such a sweet boy..”
“u know.. the missus and I had a bad fight last week.. and he pretty much talked her out of it.. told her all about how hard it was to find love.. she listened to him when she wouldn’t hear me out..”

The whisperers fell silent at the sound of the police car pulling up..

“alright folks move it.. why is there such a crowd here?” it was the rookie, showing off on his first day..
“this is it son.. the singer’s corner.. the guy I was telling u about on the way here” said the senior constable..
“god.. I’m inheriting that crazy guy from you??”

The protests of the crowd silenced him quicker than the somber look on his senior’s face..

"No boy.. you’re not.. he died a half hour ago.. that’s why we rushed from the station without the last cup of tea”


The two cops moved through the crowd towards the body.. someone had shaved him.. prepared him for burial.. his guitar beside him, the girl’s picture on his chest..

“Oh GOD!!!! Its him!” all colour drained from the rookie’s face as he knelt beside the body..
“u know this guy?”

“yes.. he’s my sister’s fiancé… they had a fight the day before their wedding and she called it off.. he disappeared.. she couldn’t find him anywhere!”

“she what???”

Yeah.. she drove all over the city looking for him.. and…” he suddenly broke down crying..

“and … and she had a horrible car accident.. kept asking for him all the way to the hospital…”


He stumbled away from the stunned crowd.. the senior cop began to make arrangements for removal of the body.

“um.. sir?” it was the young couple..

“Shouldn’t we wait for her to come here? If she’s been searching for him..”

“she’s not gonna come..”

“well.. sure she’s in the hospital but someone from the family might..”

the policeman sighed..

“he’s got no family… and she died in that accident..”

valentine

petals are strewn around the floor as i walk in..  flickering shadows in the corners of the room.. an involuntary gasp escapes my lips at the sight of all the red color..

"surprised?"
my husband's voice comes from behind the door.. my heart thuds in response...

"when did you get back?" i can hear the tremor in my voice..
he steps towards me.. i can feel my heartbeat pick up..

"does it matter?" his voice is low.. almost hypnotic
i cant summon the air to respond as he pulls me closer and his fingers entangle in my hair..

"i came back early coz i didnt want you to be alone on our first valentine's day as a married couple.. but i see you didnt miss me at all.."
the glint of the knife in the candlelight dazzles my eyes for a short second before i crumple to the floor.. right next to the bled out body of my lover...

may angels lead you there

"you know you're gonna have to let go of his memories annie.. he's been gone for a long time now.." her sad smile had taken a turn towards pity by the time she got to the end of her sentence..

i knew she meant well... intellectually.. i KNEW he was gone... i had seen him collapse on that crowded road.. prayed fervently through the mad dash across the city... heard the words that made it final.. and yet.. i still waited for his return.. our room was the same as he had liked it.. his shirts still hung neatly in the cupboard.. i still looked up at the sound of a bike pulling up.. still searched for his face in a crowd... and lived with the hope of a miracle...

"don't cry annie.. i know how much you loved him.. how much you wish that day never happened.. but it did sweetheart.. you have to let go sometime.." i just looked away from her.. refusing to listen..

she have me a hug and walked out of the house.. i sank back down onto the bed and held on to the pillow that somehow still bore the scent of his skin.. stared at our picture on the wall as the light slowly faded from the window...

and woke to the feel of his arms around my body.. his breath on my hair.. his lips on my skin...
"hi..." i smiled at him.. "what took you so long..??"
"just.. got lost in the dark"

Carlo's words

lying in the dark.. the whisper of your voice in my ears.. i would do anything for that voice. anything at all.. just to hear you call my name.. say that you're here, that you will always look out for me.. that you will always love me..

running away from the world.. from anyone and anyone who doesn't believe in our love.. who questions my devotion to you.. the darkness feels like your embrace.. it makes me forget the world.. forget myself.. all i remember is you and all that i'm willing to do for you.. anything.. anything at all..

you know i worship you.. i'm your devotee.. i would fight for you.. die for you .. kill for you...

i have done all you asked of me.. i have fought all who go against you.. but you know that already....

they say i'm delusional.. that your voice never was ...that i hallucinated..

I killed the conscienceless scum who broke his vows to you.. i destroyed your enemy who tried to ruin your family...


and yet today i am burning in hell..

 
 
 
 
i just read Angels and Demons again...
 
This is for camerlengo Carlo Ventresca... conversations with god..

ties...

He was everywhere she looked... and nowhere at all.. every corner that she peered around had some hint of him.. a lingering scent.. an echo… maybe a fading footprint in the mess that was the floor..


She desperately wanted to get away… escape him if only for a little while.. maybe disappear into a world where he didn’t exist…

“I really need some time to myself.. its like my entire existence has been consumed by his demands… what do I do?”

“you can’t actually mean that maya… you know you love him.. you cannot possibly survive an hour without him.. and you know how he loves you”

“that’s easy for you to say nina… do you know I haven’t painted in heaven knows how long.. haven’t danced.. haven’t even read a good book.. everytime I want to just sit down he puts forward a new demand…”

“why are you whispering though?”

“I sneaked into the other room.. he’s sleeping right now.. if he wakes up and finds me missing he’ll start screaming again.. I should probably go.. I think I hear him waking up…”

.

.

.

“mumma…..????”

“aye mela bachcha.. ninna nahi ai??”

“mumma godi”

“aa ja beta..”

He sighed in peace as she took him in her arms…

“how could I ever even think about getting away from him….”

on the line....

"I'm sorry sweetheart.. please.. please give us another chance... i love you.. i won't survive a day without hearing your voice.."
she just looked at him as his voice trailed off.. he was hyperaware of everything around them suddenly.. the hushed voices of other people in the room, his own thundering heartbeat.. the absolute nonexpression on her face.. she simply looked at him..
"i'd die if i'm rejected now.. who will ever take me seriously if she doesnt accept me now???" his thoughts were bordering on panic at the sheer nonresponsiveness of her reaction..
she simply looked at him.. lost in thought..
he didnt move an inch.. his knees were trembling.. almost giving out.. should he have gotten down on his knees to beg?? he suddenly thought.. maybe she wanted to see total surrender.. it would've been dramatic to say the least... maybe too dramatic.. he steeled himself as he brought his eyes back to her face... waiting for some change in her expression..

slowly her hands twitched as if involuntarily.. her arms rose away from her sides.. was she...???? he was hoping with everything he had now.. taking half a step towards her as her arms rose higher... did she step towards him?? his thoughts were all aflutter at the sight of the smile on her face...
his numbed mind registered what sounded like cheers in the background..
her lips parted...

"bravo!!! that was amazing! thats it.. YOU get the lead in my play!!"
her applause joined that of the gathered audience...