of epiphanies..

Strange how this particular epiphany happened.. in two parts… with the same person there in front of me(or on the phone) in both cases…


Strange also that the annoying brat(or AB) formerly christened CL.. was the person I was talking to both times..

Strangest of all.. the sheer amount of time it took me to get to this stage…


I’m finally proud of looking the way I do.. its no longer something to blush about.. if someone stares at you.. its okay.. preen..

For years.. getting compliments was an exercise in embarrassment.. if someone noticed my clothes I felt exposed.. if someone liked my hair.. I’d comb it out.. no makeup.. no flirting… I was in this state of imposed self control… the only guy who could.. and after a point did compliment was AB.. n then I thought that he was just doing so coz he loved me n couldn’t see the faults the mirror saw… I would NEVER flirt.. that wasn’t DONE,…


Then came the breakup.. and the post breakup baggage..
The tears.. the “guys are jerks” phase..

Worse still.. the almost- relationship that flared for a bit n then drowned..

And I closed down.. turned away from the mirror.. began to hate how I looked..

If someone couldn’t see beyond the fair skin n brown hair to the brain and the heart under the skin.. I wasn’t interested…

And then came the epiphany.. just this weekend..

It was my cousin’ birthday. He also happens to be a fellow student at CLC… and we have a large group of mutual friends.. the birthday party was loud, alcoholic and lasted all night… but that isn’t the point..


I wasn’t going to go…I had studies, work… commitments.. then a friend reminded me that I had to take a break…. Another reminded me that I DESERVED a night out after all the responsibility..

So I went…

I didn’t have clothes appropriate for a party coz I hadn’t gone back home to get a change of clothes.. I’d left straight from where I was…

So I borrowed clothes from another cousin.. fashion prevailed over consciousness and I actually wore something flattering without first whining about it.. I only had 10 minutes to get ready… so I wore whatever she picked for me…

When I stepped out of the room at my cuz’s place after a hurried combing and makeup session.. there were 6 guys in the room..

they turned around in unison as I entered.. and for the first time in FOREVER.. I noticed how they stared at me before they turned back n got on with the work they were upto.. and for the first time.. that look didn’t make me blush and wanna run n change.. it made me feel powerful..

Quite in contrast to my desire to run find a burka at noorie’s birthday…

Other people came.. the music started.. the dancing started.. and again.. somehow in the dark… I forgot to be shy… I only knew 5 of the 40 odd people at the party.. but I danced.. in a way I’d NEVER danced before.. I walked how I never had.. hell. .i even danced with a guy I don’t really know… AND I actually preened at a compliment instead of hanging my head and grinning…

And I ACTUALLY flirted!!! As ridiculous as THAT sounds… it was my first conscious attempt… n I refuse to apologise for it..



While some readers may dismiss this as some silly outpouring.. this is HUGE for me.. just last month I cried in utter humiliation because a friend thought I’d been flirting with her brother… the accusation had made me feel cheap… I hadn’t done any such thing and I was actually disgusted that someone would think I would do that..

I realise now that I’d been behaving like a recently bereaved widow since the breakup… any fun was an insult to my sensibility.. everything hurt.. a song, a memory, a line spoken unaware… n I would withdraw..

I was blaming myself for wanting too much.. for not being good enough to deserve attention…

But I don’t anymore…

And there was my epiphany…

I AM beautiful.. and I’m HAPPY being single.. n I REALLY need to stop taking everything so seriously and blaming myself for what happened..



And surprisingly.. this epiphany really happened when I was telling AB bout the fact that it was weird for me to be at a party without him and NOT feel alone.. how for the first time in four years was at a party where I didn’t have a particular person to dance with or talk to or call… and I felt free..

N he was like.. you’re feeling weird because it DOESN’T hurt anymore..??


Guess i’ve finally accepted that there’s something good about being footloose and fancy free after all…

In the end…

A big thank you to Rave n Tiny… two friends who made it possible for me to go the party… to Vrin for the awesome clothes.. Rob for the “man you’re dressed to kill”.. :)

I shall not be shy anymore..