insomnia.....

“I lost my baby!!! My baby!!!!” my cry seemed unnaturally loud to me in the confines of my little room. The cold of the night seems to suffocate me... and I’m too broken to crawl under the warmth of the blanket lying on the other side of the floor. I feel this numbness, this darkness... emptiness inside me... where there was life just a few short days ago...
My baby…
Flesh of my flesh... blood of my blood…
My love
The only remaining symbol of the fairytale life I’d once hoped to have…


I’m a widow... my husband died in a battle that I was never allowed to learn anything about, and all I have left of our romance is a few letters, pictures... and my memories...
He died and I couldn’t save him…

They told me it was impossible for him to live. The war he faced would eventually take him. They WARNED me not to marry him. “His life is far too dangerous anu... You never know when he has to go.” But I held on. To the hope that my love would come home to me... to the belief that this mail order romance will one day turn into the fairytale I had always wanted. I danced with joy when he called from wherever he was that last month... Spent days preparing for the short while he had stayed home...

He wasn’t on my side when I found out about our baby...
It was days after he had left that I came out of my stupor long enough to notice the dates on the calendar… that the nausea was no longer an impact of the mutilated bodies i had been forced to examine to find my love...
I wept long into that night... for the father who would never know his child... for the baby who would only see his father in a frame on my bedside…

That’s when I decided to ensure that my baby met his father… I love him as much as he does… but I knew he would want to hold his baby... he would want to play with our child as much as I did.
So I told my baby to go to his father...
The last token of my love for him...

Flesh of my flesh… blood of my blood…


And now the padded walls of this room are my only solace... they enclose the darkness that is my existence now...

And I have my memories….
My love... with that smile I could never resist… you will teach our son to smile that way won’t you….?