happiness is a state of mind

Actively noticing what makes u feel happy and content as opposed to simply numb and relaxed is a rather odd deal.. I started on the 100 happy days challenge, wondering what on earth would i put in it.. Day1 began because i was organising my bookshelf, and suddenly lining up my battered old stuffed toys in front of the books brought up memories of where all the books came from and what the toys mean to me.. That's when i decided to post a picture if the stuffed toys, and label it Day 1 of the 100 days when i would consciously try to be happy at some point in the day. 

How does it work anyway? Is the time i spent cuddling the bear that's been banishing my blues since i was 3 the only time i was happy in that 24 hour period?? Or is it meant for one to scrutinise each second of the day to figure out when you were 'happy' and not merely flowing with the river of your existence?
I'm lounging in the sun in my garden after what feels like forever being cold and not having time to just soak up the sun.. Am i happy? Or am i just content in the 'snail is on the grass and god in heaven and all is right in this world' way where u can just switch off and sink into a daze... Or  doze..  

I cant seem to switch off the question though.. Even as my body is relaxing into a slouch and my frozen toes are warming up, i cant stop wondering if this qualifies for the day's 'moment of happiness"..
Yesterday's 'moment' was also something rather strikingly 'happy'.. Seeing my neice's naughty face and my grandfather's happy laughter at the picture gave me that textbook perfect bone deep feeling of being Happy. Today i find myself wondering what i will classify as my happy moment.. This challenge isn't really meant for showing other people what great things are happening to you, its about finding the rays of sunshine in your life for yourself, or so says the websites which hosts the game.. 

Have i too fallen into the trap of counting how many people have 'Liked' or commented on whatever my happy post of the day is to justify looking for the moments? If i am constantly analysing whether something qualifies for the 'happy moment', am i truly being happy in that moment???

Because I cannot sleep- Jalauddin Rumi

Because I cannot sleep

Because I cannot sleep
I make music at night.
I am troubled by the one
whose face has the color of spring flowers.
I have neither sleep nor patience,
neither a good reputation nor disgrace.
A thousand robes of wisdom are gone.
All my good manners have moved a thousand miles away.
The heart and the mind are left angry with each other.
The stars and the moon are envious of each other.
Because of this alienation the physical universe
is getting tighter and tighter.
The moon says, 'How long will I remain
suspended without a sun?'
Without Love's jewel inside of me,
let the bazaar of my existence be destroyed stone by stone.
O Love, You who have been called by a thousand names,
You who know how to pour the wine
into the chalice of the body,
You who give culture to a thousand cultures,
You who are faceless but have a thousand faces,
O Love, You who shape the faces
of Turks, Europeans, and Zanzibaris,
give me a glass from Your bottle,
or a handful of being from Your Branch.
Remove the cork once more.
Then we'll see a thousand chiefs prostrate themselves,
and a circle of ecstatic troubadours will play.
Then the addict will be freed of craving.
and will be resurrected,
and stand in awe till Judgement Day. 

you're the Man now...

misogyny and affirmation of patriachy come in hues so varied that sometimes you can't even tell its there, and sometimes it is so brutally in your face that you're left gasping in shock at it..
i could write reams about the recent incidents of "harassment" at workplace that happened in the much venerated halls of teh judiciary and the media.. but enough newsprint has already been spent on it.. my concern is with a little more insidious and "oh its a joke" kind...
has anyone seen the new Park Avenue perfume advertisement? the one which shows a guy 'marking his territory' like an animal?? THAT ladies and gentlemen is what has my hackles rising..

since i'm writing on a computer where youtube is blocked, i'm gonna have to write down the story sequence of the ad..
there is a woman siting at a bar
a guy approaches, tries to chat her up
another guy, presumably a husband or boyfriend, all dolled up in a nice suit and gelled back hair, sprays his Park Avenue perfume on the bar stool beside her, and says "my territory"
Guy 1 tries to pick up her drink, Guy 2 sprays on that too, staking his claim
finally, guy 2 sprays the perfume on and around the girl, saying 'all mine' as he does so...
the girl? oh she's staring vapidly at the two men as if she has no b%^$ idea whats going on..
the ad ends with the tagline of "real men mark their territory with their scent"

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME!!!!

what exactly is this ad trying to show?? men are animals? women are to be 'protected'? or simply that people in whatever ad firm that thought this up have zero respect for women or men for that matter..??
mark your territory??
so you're a dog or something that needs to piss on things to feel like the master of the domain?? the woman is "territory" with no brains or tongue of her own?

civilization and civility demands that we learn to respect people as People, as individual persons, and here we have an Ad that not only reduces a woman to an object with no mind of her own, you also have an ad that suggests that even the well heeled, (hopefully) educated upper class men have to behave like anmals and disrespect their partner if they want to "be Men.'

its one of the worst, most brainlessly put together ads I have seen in recent memory... 

to friends

Thank you KS for dedicating this song to me...
you have no idea of how good it feels..

and i know you're gonna pout at this... but i would also dedicate this song to tinni, ansh, ati and N...
i love you... 

Passive agressiveness and friendship do not mix

pick one.
either stick to trying to speak to me and resolving issues.. or just stay away.. I am NOT the one who approached you, or even the one who sent random cryptic messages after weeks of disappearance asking whether i'm still alive..
I was always frank and open with you.. i made you no promises, told you no lies.. whatever misconceptions you chose to nurse and then hang on to are no longer my problem..
i will always remember that boy who sang with a smile, the one who had fun dreams and said weird things for the shock value and made up things to escape a yelling at...
I will always remember the guy who talked me out of jumping off the roof on a day that nothing else came close to feeling like it mattered..

You aren't that guy anymore.. and I am not that girl..
so Goodbye..
may you find your way out of the darkness soon.

of rose tinted glasses and damaged frames

I used to live in a bubble then.. my friends, my family protected me and supported me and I could forget about reality and pain and cynical thoughts and believe in magic and rainbows and the see the best in people and BELIEVE that people were inherently good…

Then my angel shed his wings, my wall broke and my brother and sister left…

And now I am a shell most of the time… that spontaneity and happiness and rose colored glasses I used to live with are now gone and I have to force myself to interact with even the people who make me feel most alive because sometimes the feeling of the blood and adrenaline coursing through my veins is a bit too much and I need to shut down and retreat so I don’t get too overwhelmed..

You asked me why I changed… you’re one of those who threw a knife at me and walked away.. and yet you wonder where I learnt to flinch?