It's been years and I need a release

 I feel like my brain.. my self is being erased slowly... Question by question.. comment by comment.. and thanks to a large part by my own creeping depression... 

It's been six years since I last wrote here.. why? Because someone said something.. parents decided to push the "why are you writing personal things in public"... someone said something weird about something I wrote.. 

And i stopped.. 

Over the years I've lost places to vent... Diaries have been torn, blogs have been questioned.. and WHY? 

Because writing down what is in my head apparently is "washing dirty linen in public".. 

And then I was reluctant to put things on a blog.. because I didn't want to start another argument with the person i loved.... 

Slowly my desire to write eroded because each sentence was being read and discussed and commented on by someone who felt "hurt" by what I felt in my head.. 

Even when this was part creative outlet, part venting space.. 

In today's world when everyone is chronically online and insta and threads and twitter are virtually used as daily diaries.. i can't remember the last time I actually wrote in my diary.. 

I went through Cancer last year.. diagnosis February 2024- stage 3C. 

Put a photo on insta with my shaved head after the chemo started.

 Immediate backlash-- why the hell would you put it online? We hadn't told extended family yet... 

It's MY body.. my social media.. and hello? I just told everyone who cared to look.. WHY do I need to "break the news carefully"? 

I genuinely can't remember the last time I wrote a story.. or poem, or even listened to music in peace.. it's like the cancer and the sadness has taken every creative instict away.. though I'm not sure which one actually came first.. 

i'm back to working.. going to office.. 

Officially Cancer free but on maintenance meds so it doesn't relapse.. 

But it's like the light has gone out in my head.. 

It doesn't make me happy or excited or even satisfied anymore.

 It's just a job.. 

Journalism used to MEAN something.. to highlight what's wrong and how it can be resolved.. 

But 13 odd years of writing the same articles over and over again while things keep getting worse is making me wonder why anything survives at all.. 

Literally every few days we are doing the same story of violence and depravity and apathy of those in power and those watching 

Even in office there are times when I wonder if everyone has shut off their humanity to cope with the awfulness we see or am I being over sensitive..

And through it all i feel a sense of aloneness that screams even though I know there are like minded people put there.. there are people who see things, write things, create things in this fucked up world.. 

I used to be able to disappear into a book and forget about everything.. reboot my brain a bit.. now nothing works.. maybe it's because "adult world" means reading books about reality and darkness and politics.. even a fantasy book these days a LOT darker and politically nuanced... I lost my taste for reading happily ever after romances a while ago when things crashed and burned in my love life.. 

That's another set of scars.. from feeling insane and questioning something as basic as morals and cheating and allowing someone to drag me through thoughts and feelings and situations that I seriously don't know WHY I went through.. 

I used to be all about sunshine and finding the silver lining and seeing the happy and hopeful bits.. but now I just can't seem to find it in any part of my life.. 

And i don't know what to do about it..