stories of lost dreams....

I’d thought I had been fighting a lost battle… covered in scars.. bruised and battered.


I’d thought I was fighting all alone. No one had cared to join me.. that you had abandoned me. Left me to defend the shell of what had once been the only place I called home..

I blamed you for running from the fight just when I needed the reinforcement..

Then I began to believe that the castle of dreams I’d put my life on the line to save meant nothing to you... that you had abandoned it just as you had me..
i began to hate the castle.. the dreams it showed and the lives it destroyed..hate myself for fighting to save something all others had left to rot..

I built it anew.. stronger.. taller.. a castle could defend on my own…

And yet I will always mourn the castle of my dreams.. Blame you or leaving the battle just when you were needed the most..

If only I had known that reinforcement were coming..

of epiphanies..

Strange how this particular epiphany happened.. in two parts… with the same person there in front of me(or on the phone) in both cases…


Strange also that the annoying brat(or AB) formerly christened CL.. was the person I was talking to both times..

Strangest of all.. the sheer amount of time it took me to get to this stage…


I’m finally proud of looking the way I do.. its no longer something to blush about.. if someone stares at you.. its okay.. preen..

For years.. getting compliments was an exercise in embarrassment.. if someone noticed my clothes I felt exposed.. if someone liked my hair.. I’d comb it out.. no makeup.. no flirting… I was in this state of imposed self control… the only guy who could.. and after a point did compliment was AB.. n then I thought that he was just doing so coz he loved me n couldn’t see the faults the mirror saw… I would NEVER flirt.. that wasn’t DONE,…


Then came the breakup.. and the post breakup baggage..
The tears.. the “guys are jerks” phase..

Worse still.. the almost- relationship that flared for a bit n then drowned..

And I closed down.. turned away from the mirror.. began to hate how I looked..

If someone couldn’t see beyond the fair skin n brown hair to the brain and the heart under the skin.. I wasn’t interested…

And then came the epiphany.. just this weekend..

It was my cousin’ birthday. He also happens to be a fellow student at CLC… and we have a large group of mutual friends.. the birthday party was loud, alcoholic and lasted all night… but that isn’t the point..


I wasn’t going to go…I had studies, work… commitments.. then a friend reminded me that I had to take a break…. Another reminded me that I DESERVED a night out after all the responsibility..

So I went…

I didn’t have clothes appropriate for a party coz I hadn’t gone back home to get a change of clothes.. I’d left straight from where I was…

So I borrowed clothes from another cousin.. fashion prevailed over consciousness and I actually wore something flattering without first whining about it.. I only had 10 minutes to get ready… so I wore whatever she picked for me…

When I stepped out of the room at my cuz’s place after a hurried combing and makeup session.. there were 6 guys in the room..

they turned around in unison as I entered.. and for the first time in FOREVER.. I noticed how they stared at me before they turned back n got on with the work they were upto.. and for the first time.. that look didn’t make me blush and wanna run n change.. it made me feel powerful..

Quite in contrast to my desire to run find a burka at noorie’s birthday…

Other people came.. the music started.. the dancing started.. and again.. somehow in the dark… I forgot to be shy… I only knew 5 of the 40 odd people at the party.. but I danced.. in a way I’d NEVER danced before.. I walked how I never had.. hell. .i even danced with a guy I don’t really know… AND I actually preened at a compliment instead of hanging my head and grinning…

And I ACTUALLY flirted!!! As ridiculous as THAT sounds… it was my first conscious attempt… n I refuse to apologise for it..



While some readers may dismiss this as some silly outpouring.. this is HUGE for me.. just last month I cried in utter humiliation because a friend thought I’d been flirting with her brother… the accusation had made me feel cheap… I hadn’t done any such thing and I was actually disgusted that someone would think I would do that..

I realise now that I’d been behaving like a recently bereaved widow since the breakup… any fun was an insult to my sensibility.. everything hurt.. a song, a memory, a line spoken unaware… n I would withdraw..

I was blaming myself for wanting too much.. for not being good enough to deserve attention…

But I don’t anymore…

And there was my epiphany…

I AM beautiful.. and I’m HAPPY being single.. n I REALLY need to stop taking everything so seriously and blaming myself for what happened..



And surprisingly.. this epiphany really happened when I was telling AB bout the fact that it was weird for me to be at a party without him and NOT feel alone.. how for the first time in four years was at a party where I didn’t have a particular person to dance with or talk to or call… and I felt free..

N he was like.. you’re feeling weird because it DOESN’T hurt anymore..??


Guess i’ve finally accepted that there’s something good about being footloose and fancy free after all…

In the end…

A big thank you to Rave n Tiny… two friends who made it possible for me to go the party… to Vrin for the awesome clothes.. Rob for the “man you’re dressed to kill”.. :)

I shall not be shy anymore..

Carlo's words

lying in the dark.. the whisper of your voice in my ears.. i would do anything for that voice. anything at all.. just to hear you call my name.. say that you're here, that you will always look out for me.. that you will always love me..

running away from the world.. from anyone and anyone who doesn't believe in our love.. who questions my devotion to you.. the darkness feels like your embrace.. it makes me forget the world.. forget myself.. all i remember is you and all that i'm willing to do for you.. anything.. anything at all..

you know i worship you.. i'm your devotee.. i would fight for you.. die for you .. kill for you...

i have done all you asked of me.. i have fought all who go against you.. but you know that already....

they say i'm delusional.. that your voice never was ...that i hallucinated..

I killed the conscienceless scum who broke his vows to you.. i destroyed your enemy who tried to ruin your family...


and yet today i am burning in hell..

 
 
 
 
i just read Angels and Demons again...
 
This is for camerlengo Carlo Ventresca... conversations with god..

ties...

He was everywhere she looked... and nowhere at all.. every corner that she peered around had some hint of him.. a lingering scent.. an echo… maybe a fading footprint in the mess that was the floor..


She desperately wanted to get away… escape him if only for a little while.. maybe disappear into a world where he didn’t exist…

“I really need some time to myself.. its like my entire existence has been consumed by his demands… what do I do?”

“you can’t actually mean that maya… you know you love him.. you cannot possibly survive an hour without him.. and you know how he loves you”

“that’s easy for you to say nina… do you know I haven’t painted in heaven knows how long.. haven’t danced.. haven’t even read a good book.. everytime I want to just sit down he puts forward a new demand…”

“why are you whispering though?”

“I sneaked into the other room.. he’s sleeping right now.. if he wakes up and finds me missing he’ll start screaming again.. I should probably go.. I think I hear him waking up…”

.

.

.

“mumma…..????”

“aye mela bachcha.. ninna nahi ai??”

“mumma godi”

“aa ja beta..”

He sighed in peace as she took him in her arms…

“how could I ever even think about getting away from him….”

what is it like when your nurse falls ill??

“I’m bored.. I don’t want to lie down anymore”
“you sat up for quite a while this morning ma.. just lie down right now..”
“I feel fine..” she starts to turn..
“ow”
.
.

2 hours later..
“I’ve had it.. I’m getting up now…”
“you’re going to feel even worse if you get up.. just relax in bed!”
“but I’m bored..”
“so read a book”
“I can’t read.. it gives me a headache”
“okay come and watch TV”
“its those ridiculous saas bahu rona dhonas all the time.. there’s nothing to watch on tv”

I switch on my music but my choice of songs annoys her
“don’t you have any hindi songs of the kind I would listen to??”
.
.

5 minutes later, she’s sitting up again..

“I’m going to take a short walk around the house”
Her Older sis(OS) jumps in at this point.. “will u just shut up and lie down.. The doctor told you to stay in bed for two weeks!”
.
.

I look around from the stove to see her standing in the kitchen door
“what are you doing?”
“why did u walk all the way here? You should have just rung the bell and I’d come”
“I was tired of lying down.. what are you making?”
“nothing really… paneer for your snack”
“I don’t want paneer… give me a knife and fork, I’ll cut an apple”
“you really shouldn’t sit on the dining room chair.. it’s not healthy for you”
“I don’t care… feel fine... now just get me the knife and plate. Cutting an apple is not too much work”

“ow”
“I TOLD you not to sit in this straight chair mom.. now come lie down..”

“but I’m so bored…….”


she had a surgery last week.. been home for two days..
mothers are IMPOSSIBLE to mother..

the law of attraction

YES i truly am this vella and YES i CAN get this obsessed with a project... so what started as a joke with friends to draft the legislative provsions of the law of attraction is now a full fledged, 5 page work tht i've spent most of today on.. and YES OFCOURSE i want comments!!! from people who have studied law and those who havent, from those who have had crushes and those who havent PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE comment on this post.

FYI.. YES I REALLY WROTE ALL OF THIS BY MYSELF.. and NO you are NOT allowed to make fun of it coz its all true.

P.s. the idea of this legislation came from the SPIL form that i have as yet NOT filled.. n deadline's tomorrow..

THE HUMAN ATTRACTION (INITIAL PREFERENCE) ACT 2009
(987654321 of 2009)

(17th September 2009)

PREAMBLE Where it is expedient to amend and codify the law relating to preliminary attraction among humans.
BE IT ENACTED by the senses of human society in the year 2009 AD of human existence as follows

PRELIMINARY

1. Short title, extent and commencement. - (1) this act may be called the Human Attraction (Initial Preference) Act, 2009.
(2) It extends to the whole of humanity including those existing the territory of storybook romance.
Explanation: This act only applies to mental phenomena of attraction amongst humans. Actual formation of the relationship whether physical, emotional or social do not come under the purview of this act but are regulated by various other legislations including the Societal Rules and Etiquettes Act and the Parental Authorities acts.
2. Application of Act. – (1)This act applies to any human being
(a) who has attained the age of puberty; or
(b) any person, male or female who is mentally capable of forming infatuatory relationship with another person.
( c) who is not suffering from mental unsoundness produced by the phenomena commonly known as “Cupid’s Arrow.”
3. Definitions.- In this act, unless the context otherwise requires,-
(a) “the person” refers to the infatuor or subject i.e. the male or female who forms such infatuation as defined by the Act;
(b) ‘the male’, or ‘the female’ unless otherwise specified refer to the infatuee or object of such infatuation;
(c) ‘Parental Authority’ or ‘societal authority’ refers to the progenitors of the subject or object of infatuation and the social group that the parental authorities belong to respectively;
(d) ‘intellectual capacity’ implies the capacity of ‘the male’ or ‘the female’ to learn and make judgments. It also includes capacity to conduct rational and/or humorous conversation. ‘mental capacity’ refers to the ability of the object to understand that it would be prudent to give the subject a position of authority.
(e) ‘relationship’ under the purview of the act refers to a future sexual and/or emotional relationship.
Saving: The object of the infatuation may be of the same or the opposite sex to the infatuor. The terms ‘the male’ and ‘the female’ are used as general terms for legislative convenience.
4. Overriding effect of the Act.- Save as expressly provided in the Act any theory or rule of attraction propounded in movies, romance novels self help books or psychology manuals shall cease to have effect with respect to any matter for which provision is made in the Act.

PART I
GENERAL PROVISIONS
CHAPTER I
OF FEMALE INFATUATION

This chapter applies solely to the female part of the human species. The rules pertaining to male humans shall be dealt with in chapter II of the Act.

5. Definitions:
(1)‘the female’ in the following sections refers to the specific infatuor or subject of the infatuation as discussed herein.
(2)’other female’ under these sections refers to any other female that ‘the male’ finds or may find attractive.

6. Specific attributes: the female may find a male of the same species attractive if the said male possesses acceptable physical attributes, and/or is economically sound and/or is intellectually and mentally eligible.

7.Physical attributes defined: physical features that signify excellent capability to copulate defined by attributes such as height/weight ratio and/or musculature.
(1) in particular and without prejudice to the aforementioned conditions, dark complexion, height and conformity to accepted idea of good facial and bodily features is an essential criteria in situations where the intellectual and economic aptitude of the male is unknown.
(2) personal grooming, including clothing, hygiene and hairstyle of the male must conform to the standards set by the female.

Saving: in case the object of the infatuation is a female, section 7(1) stands voided.

8. Economic attributes defined: in situations where assessment of physical attributes is impractical or impossible due to absence of visual contact, parental interference or deemed unlawful by societal authority, the economic capabilities of the male shall overrule the provision of Section 7. The following economic criteria may then be applied-
(1) motor vehicle: the type and cost of motor vehicle driven by the male
(2) habitat: this includes the living space as well as profession of the male
(3) currency notes or negotiable instruments under the control of the male
Explanation: the mental capacity of male to accept the right of female to make use of the aforementioned items as and when required is necessary for the application of this section.

9. Intellectual attributes: the female may, in certain situations attribute attractiveness to the voice, mannerisms or intellectual capacity of the male
Explanation I: this provision may be applied in situations wherein the physical and/or economic attributes are equal to those of other males in the vicinity and selection must be based on factors of intellectual aptitude.
Explanation II: This provision may also be applied in situations where the male is not viewable by the female and contact between the two is by telephone, internet or letters.
SCOPE: this provision is applied in rare situations wherein the choice of the female is either extremely limited due to lack of eligible males or made difficult due to presence of more than the optimum number of eligible males.

10. Peer influence: the attractiveness of the object for the female may also be in certain cases proportional to the extent of approval and attraction exhibited by other competing females towards the male.

CHAPTER II
OF MALE INFATUATION

11. Definitions.- (a)‘the male’ in this chapter refers to the infatuor or person forming the infatuation;
(b) ‘the female’ in the chapter refers to the specific female of the species on whom the infatuation rests. If the object of the infatuation is a male member of the species, sections 7, 8 and 9 of the act may be applied.

12. general attributes:- a male may find a female attractive if such female possesses certain physical attributes. In specific situations, certain economic or intellectual attributes may also be applicable.

13. Physical attributes defined:- a male may find a female attractive if she possesses physical attributes capable of stimulation of the male libido as defined by the Fashion Police Act.
(1) the female may possess a body type defined under the Fashion Police Act as the ‘hourglass figure” or approximate proportion; or
(2) possession of features defined as “pouty lips”, or enhanced mammary or gluteous tissue; or
(3) proportion of amount of clothing worn by the female to the skin of said female is 1/3 or greater; or
(4) the clothing worn by the female accentuates the shape or size of the mammary or gluteus tissue.
Saving: the personal grooming exhibited by the female in form of clothing choice, makeup and accessories are also part of the required physical attributes though not an essential requirement.

14. mental capacity defined.- in case the physical attributes of the female are unknown due to restrictions imposed by parental or societal authorities the mental capacity of the female, as defined under the general provisions of the act may be applicable.

15. economic attributes defined.- the economic capacity of the female and/ or her parental authority to provide the requirements listed under the subsections of section 8 are applicable in situations where the requirements of section 13 are not met.

PART II
COMPOSITION OF ARBITRAL TRIBUNAL
CHAPTER III

16. WHEN DETERMINATION OF ELIGIBILITY DEPENDS ON THE OPINION OF OUTSIDE PARTY: in cases wherein the infatuor is unable to find eligible object or must decide to take action with respect to the infatuation, authorization of such action may be done by
(1)peer group: friends of the infatuor may act as authorities to decide the question of eligibility. The number of friends who may be appointed as arbitrators may be determined by the infatuor.
(2) parental authority: parental authority may enforce special right of adjudication with respect to the choices of the infatuor under the overriding provisions of the Parental Authority Act.
Explanation: this section can only be applicable when the infatuatuor is intent upon making contact with the infatuee. The simple mental state of attraction does not come under the provision of this section.


CHAPTER IV
OF VOIDABILITY OF ATTRACTION AND PUNISHMENTS

17. Voidability of attraction.- if the subject of the attraction does not form similar infatuation with eth male or female, it would be incumbent on the infatuor to withdraw such infatuation. The attraction is voidable in cases where acceptance of infatuation is delayed or denied.

18. Punishment for continuation of attraction declared void.- once the infatuee has denied the attraction continuation of the feelings of attraction may entail mental and physical anguish.
(1) the male or female may have to undergo bouts of tears or emotional pain; or
(2) if the object of attraction is already bonded with a different male or female, physical or verbal attacks on the person of the infatuee may be made.