to friends

Thank you KS for dedicating this song to me...
you have no idea of how good it feels..

and i know you're gonna pout at this... but i would also dedicate this song to tinni, ansh, ati and N...
i love you... 

Passive agressiveness and friendship do not mix

pick one.
either stick to trying to speak to me and resolving issues.. or just stay away.. I am NOT the one who approached you, or even the one who sent random cryptic messages after weeks of disappearance asking whether i'm still alive..
I was always frank and open with you.. i made you no promises, told you no lies.. whatever misconceptions you chose to nurse and then hang on to are no longer my problem..
i will always remember that boy who sang with a smile, the one who had fun dreams and said weird things for the shock value and made up things to escape a yelling at...
I will always remember the guy who talked me out of jumping off the roof on a day that nothing else came close to feeling like it mattered..

You aren't that guy anymore.. and I am not that girl..
so Goodbye..
may you find your way out of the darkness soon.

of rose tinted glasses and damaged frames

I used to live in a bubble then.. my friends, my family protected me and supported me and I could forget about reality and pain and cynical thoughts and believe in magic and rainbows and the see the best in people and BELIEVE that people were inherently good…

Then my angel shed his wings, my wall broke and my brother and sister left…

And now I am a shell most of the time… that spontaneity and happiness and rose colored glasses I used to live with are now gone and I have to force myself to interact with even the people who make me feel most alive because sometimes the feeling of the blood and adrenaline coursing through my veins is a bit too much and I need to shut down and retreat so I don’t get too overwhelmed..

You asked me why I changed… you’re one of those who threw a knife at me and walked away.. and yet you wonder where I learnt to flinch?

panic attacks at best friends' weddings...

i am officially feeling over the hill "damn i'm on the wrong side of 25" and in the midst of a semi panic attack... had a nearly full blown one complete with elevated heart rate and difficulty breathing just a few mins ago but was on the phone with ash so he talked me out of completely unraveling...
N got married in an ostentatious and gorgeous as a movie set extravaganza last week.. which lasted all week and is only "officially" ending with a reception from the Groom's side tomorrow... and in April, Ansh will get married too..
i'm used to seeing N with a bf, so her with a husband wasn't nearly as OMFGness inducing.. but right now.. at past midnight in the middle of a working week talking to ansh about a plan to get mad drunk and catch up when he comes back to Delhi next month.. i realised that this relationship is about to change completely... for the longest time I was the one in a relationship and took time out to spend time with him.. for a very long time now we were both single and alone and we were always there for each other.. and even though i have had nearly a year to get used to the upcoming wedding.. it hits me every single time that i think about it that our friendship will HAVE to take a backseat.. one could bid a boyfriend/girlfriend goodnight and then go and talk to friends.. once you're married with your wife in your room, you can't exactly pick up a call/skype with an insomniac friend in the middle of the night can you??
i am very well aware of the fact that i'm being weird and selfish.. he's happy, he's finally found someone he wants to be with.. after all these years of being alone.. as his best friend i am ecstatic for him... and i'm also sad about me...
i realllly have to go meet my bhabi to be in jaipur and then get off my ass and actually go for that mad vacation we have been planning for years.. i'm nearly 26 years old, by best friend is getting married.. the least i can do is throw that bachelor party/vacation we have been planning forever....