feels so good to let something outta ur system when uve been suppressing it for a long time... there were things that upset me.. but i never spoke them coz of this mental censor which told me i was being stupid n goin to jeopardise what i have....
i llearnt today that i can expect the same as i give to ppl.. i want to be told the exact truth.. to not be kept in the dark bout what's bothering the ppl i love... how silly of me not to think they'd want the same...
thank u angel.. for being by my side....
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
Thursday, July 13, 2006
a chance meeting........
this post is specially to thank someone i've met only once in my life... we met online, talked bout a lot of things.... n met once... just a few days ago.... i have to thank u... coz unknowingly u showed me another side to myself....
i was never gutsy enough to just start talking to someone i didnt know.... u changed that.... it was fun, talking bout ppl we both know n things that we think of....i wasnt ever so free n open with anyone, not anyone i had just met... it was nice to be able to just have a good time without qualms or considerations. n thanks for ur help with my work....
hope we continue to stay in touch
i was never gutsy enough to just start talking to someone i didnt know.... u changed that.... it was fun, talking bout ppl we both know n things that we think of....i wasnt ever so free n open with anyone, not anyone i had just met... it was nice to be able to just have a good time without qualms or considerations. n thanks for ur help with my work....
hope we continue to stay in touch
Friday, June 09, 2006
wrote this long ago.... dont quite know why....
a core of pain inside me
an inexplicable sadness
nameless, numerous thoughts crowd my mind
bind
memories of pain n sorrow to my heart
make me fear
cry
dont know what or why
life seems unneeded
a sudden desire to die..
to fly
far away from the maddening crowd
a whirlpool of sounds, shapes
sigths, lights, voices
assaulting by senses
trapped in a vortex of black emotions
an emptiness inside me
a space that throbs with invisible emotions
bringing me to my knees with hurtthat clouds my mind n dulls my senses..
i hear childish voices risen in quarrel
the clink of utensils, mother in her kitchen
the rustles and roars of life outside my window
still.... a void inside
that spews out emotions
words pour out
to assuage a grief...
why do i feel it???
for thoughts that surface
then dive again
wishes that come to heart but remain unprayed for......
an inexplicable sadness
nameless, numerous thoughts crowd my mind
bind
memories of pain n sorrow to my heart
make me fear
cry
dont know what or why
life seems unneeded
a sudden desire to die..
to fly
far away from the maddening crowd
a whirlpool of sounds, shapes
sigths, lights, voices
assaulting by senses
trapped in a vortex of black emotions
an emptiness inside me
a space that throbs with invisible emotions
bringing me to my knees with hurtthat clouds my mind n dulls my senses..
i hear childish voices risen in quarrel
the clink of utensils, mother in her kitchen
the rustles and roars of life outside my window
still.... a void inside
that spews out emotions
words pour out
to assuage a grief...
why do i feel it???
for thoughts that surface
then dive again
wishes that come to heart but remain unprayed for......
Thursday, May 25, 2006
still goin....
the trip through old delhi isnt over yet..... so... where was i???
oh yeah.. i forgot...
before getting to the kullewala n my house, we went to see the temple of Shri Chitragupt- the scribe of Yama, the god of death... he is the patron deity of Kayasthas.. infact accordibg to the stories that expalin formation of castes... Kayasthas emerged from the body of this divine scribe... which is why the traditional occupations of Kayasthas, n Mathurs have been accounting, bookkeeping, law etc..
okay... now.. we had lunch at Bagichi.. Bedmi-aloo..n raita(dahi- curd with boondi in it) .. the uhm.. 'traditional' dish of dilliwala mathurs... though Kadhi-chawal were missed..
after the lunch break we went hrough to the Haveli where the great Mirza Ghalib spent his last few years.. to get to this haveli we went through this little lane called the "patli gali"..so named.. coz the lane is only wide enough for one nice fat person to go through at one time... so when two of my frenz decided that they wanted to take a picture of our whole group walkin along like a nice bunch of schoolkids, we inevitably created a traffic jam coz there were a lot more ppl waiting for their turn to cross over to the other side... before Mirza ghalib's old home we came across the building which ahd houssed the hindustani Dawakhana... an oooooold hospital... since we didnt stop to read the plaque i cant tell u what happened to it...
all through the trip we talked of the cultural history of the area and the architechtural changes.... in the havelis that we visited, the bickwork was specially pointed out to us... the small, thinner bricks belonging to the Mughal era interspersed with the bigger, wider bricks introduced by the British... the houses also used slabs of sandstone for rooofing, and at the base of the walls, and the stairs..at johnny bahiya's house we saw how the terraces of almost all houses are linked or atleast close enough for anyone to jump over from one house to another... he was telling us how kids run all over the neighbourhood via the terraces chasing after kites..
coming back to my narrative...
from mirza ghalib's haveli we went to Ballimaran.. this is another quarter of chandni chowk.. the name comes from the oooooold time colony of the fishermen and boatmen who used to live here.. they werre called Balli- marne wale- coz they used ballis- sticks is bamboo to row their boats, so their quarters came to be known as Ballimaran.. though now there is no boatman or even a waterway anywhere near the palce... the name, like most of old delhi, is a carryover from the time of Shahjahanabad as the city where the Mughal kings lived...
one thing that was a discordant note in the entire trip was our entry into Ballimaran.. in the british period, the entire area was divided into Hindu and muslim areas, and before u get to ballimaran from the other side, there is a gate, a metal structure clearly delineating the Hindu and the Muslim sections.. painted saffron and white on the hindu side and Green on the muslim side.... it felt like all the things said bou unity and equality to us mean nothing... there was no visible change in the scenery, but there was a psychological difference in the atmosphere of the two sections.. plus there were a lot more burqa- clad women on this side...i felt like asking someone whether we were still in Delhi.. but then, that is the old delhi which hasnt changed much in the hundreds of years of its existance..
from Bllimaran we went to a place called Katra Neel, where a number of freedom fighters were shot during the civil disobedience movement in 1942.. paradoxically, the biggest Haveli there, calledd Chunnamal ki haveli is one that was given as reward to a family for helping the British during the 1857 revolt...
we saw the Haveli too.. it is a massive place, with 135 rooms and a front sitting room decorated with a mix of Roman china figurines, british style photographs and sketches and Mughal- Rajputana style carvings.. it felt as if we had walked to through the portals of time.. exept for the new photographs of the family that were kept on the mantlepiece.. the cieling had a canpy-covering of rajasthani-print cloth, and beautiful painted- glass chandeliers.... even as we admired the place, the unfairness of it was stark... the beautiful Haveli gifted to the traitor was the backdrop of the killing of freedom fighters...
thereon was a short drinks break where we sampled the famous Kanchewali botal, or Banta as it is also known as... it is lemon juice and water mixed with a special masala which gives it a lovely refreshing taste.. two drinks eachand all of us found enrgy enoughto walk all the way through Kinari bazaar to Dariba Kalan- the the jewellery market... all through the way we must have passed a few hundered sari shops... mostly bridal and wedding wear... n there was a whole long lane of footwear shops. we passed through the famous Paranthe wali gali- where there are shops selling.. paranthas(wat else) and other things to eat.. but already being stuffed, we passed them by... we walked past the Central Baptist Church, and the Gurudwara Seesganj, both within 50 meteres of each other.. and then.. exhausted by the loooooooong day... we had Rasgullas at Annapurna and then sat down at Haldiram's restaurant to realx.... Kavita, Bhavika n Bhumika all bought Samosas n Kachoris to take home... i got Rasgullas from Annapurna...
after about 10minutes of rest time, it being almost 6 PM, we piled into autos to go back home....
the trip had begun at 1030 AM.
oh yeah.. i forgot...
before getting to the kullewala n my house, we went to see the temple of Shri Chitragupt- the scribe of Yama, the god of death... he is the patron deity of Kayasthas.. infact accordibg to the stories that expalin formation of castes... Kayasthas emerged from the body of this divine scribe... which is why the traditional occupations of Kayasthas, n Mathurs have been accounting, bookkeeping, law etc..
okay... now.. we had lunch at Bagichi.. Bedmi-aloo..n raita(dahi- curd with boondi in it) .. the uhm.. 'traditional' dish of dilliwala mathurs... though Kadhi-chawal were missed..
after the lunch break we went hrough to the Haveli where the great Mirza Ghalib spent his last few years.. to get to this haveli we went through this little lane called the "patli gali"..so named.. coz the lane is only wide enough for one nice fat person to go through at one time... so when two of my frenz decided that they wanted to take a picture of our whole group walkin along like a nice bunch of schoolkids, we inevitably created a traffic jam coz there were a lot more ppl waiting for their turn to cross over to the other side... before Mirza ghalib's old home we came across the building which ahd houssed the hindustani Dawakhana... an oooooold hospital... since we didnt stop to read the plaque i cant tell u what happened to it...
all through the trip we talked of the cultural history of the area and the architechtural changes.... in the havelis that we visited, the bickwork was specially pointed out to us... the small, thinner bricks belonging to the Mughal era interspersed with the bigger, wider bricks introduced by the British... the houses also used slabs of sandstone for rooofing, and at the base of the walls, and the stairs..at johnny bahiya's house we saw how the terraces of almost all houses are linked or atleast close enough for anyone to jump over from one house to another... he was telling us how kids run all over the neighbourhood via the terraces chasing after kites..
coming back to my narrative...
from mirza ghalib's haveli we went to Ballimaran.. this is another quarter of chandni chowk.. the name comes from the oooooold time colony of the fishermen and boatmen who used to live here.. they werre called Balli- marne wale- coz they used ballis- sticks is bamboo to row their boats, so their quarters came to be known as Ballimaran.. though now there is no boatman or even a waterway anywhere near the palce... the name, like most of old delhi, is a carryover from the time of Shahjahanabad as the city where the Mughal kings lived...
one thing that was a discordant note in the entire trip was our entry into Ballimaran.. in the british period, the entire area was divided into Hindu and muslim areas, and before u get to ballimaran from the other side, there is a gate, a metal structure clearly delineating the Hindu and the Muslim sections.. painted saffron and white on the hindu side and Green on the muslim side.... it felt like all the things said bou unity and equality to us mean nothing... there was no visible change in the scenery, but there was a psychological difference in the atmosphere of the two sections.. plus there were a lot more burqa- clad women on this side...i felt like asking someone whether we were still in Delhi.. but then, that is the old delhi which hasnt changed much in the hundreds of years of its existance..
from Bllimaran we went to a place called Katra Neel, where a number of freedom fighters were shot during the civil disobedience movement in 1942.. paradoxically, the biggest Haveli there, calledd Chunnamal ki haveli is one that was given as reward to a family for helping the British during the 1857 revolt...
we saw the Haveli too.. it is a massive place, with 135 rooms and a front sitting room decorated with a mix of Roman china figurines, british style photographs and sketches and Mughal- Rajputana style carvings.. it felt as if we had walked to through the portals of time.. exept for the new photographs of the family that were kept on the mantlepiece.. the cieling had a canpy-covering of rajasthani-print cloth, and beautiful painted- glass chandeliers.... even as we admired the place, the unfairness of it was stark... the beautiful Haveli gifted to the traitor was the backdrop of the killing of freedom fighters...
thereon was a short drinks break where we sampled the famous Kanchewali botal, or Banta as it is also known as... it is lemon juice and water mixed with a special masala which gives it a lovely refreshing taste.. two drinks eachand all of us found enrgy enoughto walk all the way through Kinari bazaar to Dariba Kalan- the the jewellery market... all through the way we must have passed a few hundered sari shops... mostly bridal and wedding wear... n there was a whole long lane of footwear shops. we passed through the famous Paranthe wali gali- where there are shops selling.. paranthas(wat else) and other things to eat.. but already being stuffed, we passed them by... we walked past the Central Baptist Church, and the Gurudwara Seesganj, both within 50 meteres of each other.. and then.. exhausted by the loooooooong day... we had Rasgullas at Annapurna and then sat down at Haldiram's restaurant to realx.... Kavita, Bhavika n Bhumika all bought Samosas n Kachoris to take home... i got Rasgullas from Annapurna...
after about 10minutes of rest time, it being almost 6 PM, we piled into autos to go back home....
the trip had begun at 1030 AM.
trippin through the past....
The trip to old delhi was a lot of fun... bout 20 of us squeezed into an auto n two cars... to get to the metro station.... n then frm the Chawri Bazaar station in 7 rickshws to the Indraprastha School for girls...
that's the oldest girls' school in Delhi... started in 1904 by a group of ppl including Annie Besant. it is in this really old... really beautiful haveli.. but we could'nt see a lot of it coz theere was repairwork goin on there... but it was nice being in the place where my grandmother studied... and the grandmothers, aunts etc of a lot of pll who went on this trip... it was mostly ppl frm my society n a coupla cousins etc.. the board there displaying the names of teb topppers in class 12th examz had the name of one of my Aunts... my cousin brother n sister were there n they were pretty excited at seeing her name there...
from there we went to this shop which sells typical Mathur accessories.. bindis, chunris, bangles etc that are used by brides n married women at all ritual occasions... it was fun.... plus our mothers had told almost all of us to get them bindis... shopping from the old traditional spot... from there we went through the myriad Galis.. lanes n bylanes.. of chandni chowk to a place called Kaccha Katra... where there was an old Mathur haveli which, at some point of time has housed a temple of Radha-Krishna moulded with gold and studded with diamonds.. the riches are now gone... but the temple remains... and the house now belongs to the family of the panditji who officiated at the temple... right next to that house was the house belonging to a cousin of my chachi.. my sister.. who was part of the group wanted to meet her cousin brother n her mausi... so we went.. n therein we discovered the crossties of relationships that abound between all mathur families of old delhi.... relationships of one family to another via bloood and marriage..... i cant possibly get into the details here coz i run the risk of writing on forever......
from there we went to a gali called Gali Kayasthan... which, till a few years after independence was an area with almost 100%kayastha population.... the city of old delhi was a city divided into zones... n we were looking at the areas which had beenn the quarters of the Kayastha families.. of which Mathurs are a branch...
in this gali we went to the house that belongs to a family which lives in our society... n the two scions of that family- Johnny bhaiya n Tanu ( formally Ashish n Abhishek) were acting as our tour-guides coz they were practically the only ones of our generation living in our society who had actually lived in old delhi.... the rest of us had only heard from parents and grandparents of the fun they had had running across the terraces n galis of Sheher.... these two had actually done it themselves.. and they have kept the ties strong by visiting the old house, where their grandmother and uncle still live... very frequently... the house is 4 stories high.. built as a block aorund a central courtyard.. which we saw, was pretty much the standard design of all houses that we went to.. we saw 4 of the havelis that still belong to Mathur families... my family's house included... where i have visited my relatives about 4-5v times in my entire 18 year old lifetime... we then went to this chaatshop that also specialises in making Kullas- i told u bout those in my last post i think... they're carved out potatoes stuffed with chanas, Anar seeds, mashed potato, dal n spices... loads of spices.. sprinkled with lemon juice, not for someone who cant take too much spice... they can make your mouth feel like its been set on fire...
after this we went to my house... er... the house belonging to my family.... its called Bagichi, n was at one point of time a nice big haveli spread across what is now an entire lane of shops.... most of the house has been sold or leased off to shops... saris n chaat etc is sold from rooms where my ancestors once slept n played... but we still have a nice large part left for the family.... cousins still live there... being about 130 odd years old.. this house is the joint property of my grandfather's generatin... i.e My grandpa and his brothers.. upto HIS second cousins... so if there is a family get together, there are about 80 odd family units who are part of this joint family...only 5 of those still live there... the rest of us have moved out and scattered all over...
walking through the lanes in a large group had its own charm... 20 of us... ages8- about 28.. walking along in the crowded streets.. n god they were CROWDED.. rickshaws and scooters and PEOPLE... the sheer numbers!!
i took a whole roll of pictures... mostly keeping the numbers as a subject... the people, the vehicles, the house, even the tangled masses of electrical wires....
that's the oldest girls' school in Delhi... started in 1904 by a group of ppl including Annie Besant. it is in this really old... really beautiful haveli.. but we could'nt see a lot of it coz theere was repairwork goin on there... but it was nice being in the place where my grandmother studied... and the grandmothers, aunts etc of a lot of pll who went on this trip... it was mostly ppl frm my society n a coupla cousins etc.. the board there displaying the names of teb topppers in class 12th examz had the name of one of my Aunts... my cousin brother n sister were there n they were pretty excited at seeing her name there...
from there we went to this shop which sells typical Mathur accessories.. bindis, chunris, bangles etc that are used by brides n married women at all ritual occasions... it was fun.... plus our mothers had told almost all of us to get them bindis... shopping from the old traditional spot... from there we went through the myriad Galis.. lanes n bylanes.. of chandni chowk to a place called Kaccha Katra... where there was an old Mathur haveli which, at some point of time has housed a temple of Radha-Krishna moulded with gold and studded with diamonds.. the riches are now gone... but the temple remains... and the house now belongs to the family of the panditji who officiated at the temple... right next to that house was the house belonging to a cousin of my chachi.. my sister.. who was part of the group wanted to meet her cousin brother n her mausi... so we went.. n therein we discovered the crossties of relationships that abound between all mathur families of old delhi.... relationships of one family to another via bloood and marriage..... i cant possibly get into the details here coz i run the risk of writing on forever......
from there we went to a gali called Gali Kayasthan... which, till a few years after independence was an area with almost 100%kayastha population.... the city of old delhi was a city divided into zones... n we were looking at the areas which had beenn the quarters of the Kayastha families.. of which Mathurs are a branch...
in this gali we went to the house that belongs to a family which lives in our society... n the two scions of that family- Johnny bhaiya n Tanu ( formally Ashish n Abhishek) were acting as our tour-guides coz they were practically the only ones of our generation living in our society who had actually lived in old delhi.... the rest of us had only heard from parents and grandparents of the fun they had had running across the terraces n galis of Sheher.... these two had actually done it themselves.. and they have kept the ties strong by visiting the old house, where their grandmother and uncle still live... very frequently... the house is 4 stories high.. built as a block aorund a central courtyard.. which we saw, was pretty much the standard design of all houses that we went to.. we saw 4 of the havelis that still belong to Mathur families... my family's house included... where i have visited my relatives about 4-5v times in my entire 18 year old lifetime... we then went to this chaatshop that also specialises in making Kullas- i told u bout those in my last post i think... they're carved out potatoes stuffed with chanas, Anar seeds, mashed potato, dal n spices... loads of spices.. sprinkled with lemon juice, not for someone who cant take too much spice... they can make your mouth feel like its been set on fire...
after this we went to my house... er... the house belonging to my family.... its called Bagichi, n was at one point of time a nice big haveli spread across what is now an entire lane of shops.... most of the house has been sold or leased off to shops... saris n chaat etc is sold from rooms where my ancestors once slept n played... but we still have a nice large part left for the family.... cousins still live there... being about 130 odd years old.. this house is the joint property of my grandfather's generatin... i.e My grandpa and his brothers.. upto HIS second cousins... so if there is a family get together, there are about 80 odd family units who are part of this joint family...only 5 of those still live there... the rest of us have moved out and scattered all over...
walking through the lanes in a large group had its own charm... 20 of us... ages8- about 28.. walking along in the crowded streets.. n god they were CROWDED.. rickshaws and scooters and PEOPLE... the sheer numbers!!
i took a whole roll of pictures... mostly keeping the numbers as a subject... the people, the vehicles, the house, even the tangled masses of electrical wires....
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Heritage
my sister is doin her MA in cultural studies... n she's doin a project on the history of Mathurs in Delhi.. which obviously includes our own family... family history n stories of important ppl of our caste.... Mathurs are a subcaste belonging to the Kayastha caste.... not that i have more than a very vague idea of what it all means.... but this project is giving me a lot of insight into the history of my family n society....
we live in a cooperative society which has 116 flats.... bout 100 of them are owned by Mathur families from old Delhi... we are from there too.... our ancestoral house still stands... still belongs in our family... some cousins still live there... in the heart of Chandni chowk... near the Jama Masjid...
its wierd how despite living here... i have very little knowledge of my heritage n my family's past... or the "Mathur Culture" of old Delhi.." sheher" as its called.. long ago the citadel of shahjahanabad, the Red fort- Chandni chowk area is still caleed sheher by my community... "Sheher"- the city.we are going for a walk around Chandni chowk tomorrow... to visit the places that are significant in the Cultural history of Mathurs.. the temple of Shri Chitragupt... the patron deity, from whose body the Kayasthas are supposed to have been created... the age old shops selling our typical jewellery and other things like the Chunri- a sari given to married daughters and daughters- in law on special occasions such as different pujas etc..., the special bindis- cahumpbindi worn by the married women on special occasions, shops specialising in foodstuffs that are part and parcel of our culture- Kulle- a snack made from potatoes hollowed out and stuffed with chana and spices etc; bedmi aloo- a dish of spicy potatoes stuffed inside a poori made of atta mixed with ground urad dal.. and a few of the old houses , havelis actually, that are still owned and occupied by mathur families, ours includeeed.. the wierd part is.... i havent been to that house more than bot 4 times in my entire 18 yr lifespan, despite the fact that some of our relatives still live there...
we are also going to participate in the age old activity of flying kites there... one of our relatives is to give us a demonstration of his prowess, and then we might give it a try..... i have flown kites before... its one thing thats always done almost as a ritual on Independence day.. kite flying contests all over the place...
we had an informal meeting -cum orientation for the ppl who are goin for the walk... mostly kids my age frm the society... n i felt like i didnt know a thng bout my past.... a couple of my frenz knew sooooooo much bout the Sheher n our cultural history...
but thats what this walk is for.... to educate ignorant "modern" brats like me bout our old culture....
see my sister's project blog... www.mathurbuilding.blogspot.com
we live in a cooperative society which has 116 flats.... bout 100 of them are owned by Mathur families from old Delhi... we are from there too.... our ancestoral house still stands... still belongs in our family... some cousins still live there... in the heart of Chandni chowk... near the Jama Masjid...
its wierd how despite living here... i have very little knowledge of my heritage n my family's past... or the "Mathur Culture" of old Delhi.." sheher" as its called.. long ago the citadel of shahjahanabad, the Red fort- Chandni chowk area is still caleed sheher by my community... "Sheher"- the city.we are going for a walk around Chandni chowk tomorrow... to visit the places that are significant in the Cultural history of Mathurs.. the temple of Shri Chitragupt... the patron deity, from whose body the Kayasthas are supposed to have been created... the age old shops selling our typical jewellery and other things like the Chunri- a sari given to married daughters and daughters- in law on special occasions such as different pujas etc..., the special bindis- cahumpbindi worn by the married women on special occasions, shops specialising in foodstuffs that are part and parcel of our culture- Kulle- a snack made from potatoes hollowed out and stuffed with chana and spices etc; bedmi aloo- a dish of spicy potatoes stuffed inside a poori made of atta mixed with ground urad dal.. and a few of the old houses , havelis actually, that are still owned and occupied by mathur families, ours includeeed.. the wierd part is.... i havent been to that house more than bot 4 times in my entire 18 yr lifespan, despite the fact that some of our relatives still live there...
we are also going to participate in the age old activity of flying kites there... one of our relatives is to give us a demonstration of his prowess, and then we might give it a try..... i have flown kites before... its one thing thats always done almost as a ritual on Independence day.. kite flying contests all over the place...
we had an informal meeting -cum orientation for the ppl who are goin for the walk... mostly kids my age frm the society... n i felt like i didnt know a thng bout my past.... a couple of my frenz knew sooooooo much bout the Sheher n our cultural history...
but thats what this walk is for.... to educate ignorant "modern" brats like me bout our old culture....
see my sister's project blog... www.mathurbuilding.blogspot.com
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)