Sunday, September 20, 2015

the staircase

maybe i got too high a dosage of Disney as a kid.. or something..
because the idea of having a bedroom with a spiral staircase that opens out onto a terrace which is essentially the highest accessible point of a tower makes me feel ludicrously excited... 
One of the biggest perks of parents having a government job is that they get government accommodation.. and the house dad has been offered now is a monstrosity built 80 years ago which is need of a few serious repairs.. but it has a bedroom/spare room whatchamacallit room on the first floor that is accessed through the terrace, that also has an internal staircase which takes you to yet another higher floor, with a small sheltered terrace that makes you feel like you're on top of the world looking regally down at all the gorgeous verdant green of the lawns... with the bright blue sky open above... its like something out of a dream.. and i know for a fact that there is no way in hell i will ever be able to find a room like that anywhere in Delhi and even if such a room exists and may be available for rent, they would charge the sun and moon for it because it is BY FAR the most beautiful thing i have ever seen.. even though its currently covered in cobwebs and maybe termites.. and i have to get a safety check done on that spiral staircase because that place hasn't bee lived in for years and years..

but i can just picture the pretty lights i'll wind around the banisters and the bookshelves and photographs that will go on the walls and the cushions I will put to create a reading nook right where the landing of the staircase opens onto the terrace...

if we actually move into that gorgeous house and the said gorgeous house doesn't fall down around our head.. it is an OOOOLD house after all... 

but GOD the staircase makes me feel like a little kid watching a princess movie... maybe i'll wear a pretty gown and walk down that staircase randomly one day... just to be able to say that i did it... 

my dad, who has been trying all my life to stamp the fairy princess ideas out of my head, has however pointed out that the pretty room doesn't have a window big enough to put a cooler or AC in, and being as clumsy as i am, a spiral staircase isn't exactly the safest thing for me to be mucking about with... to him i say.. bah humbug.. 

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

standing still while the world moves means the ground slips out from beneath your feet

it is the strangest feeling when you feel truly happy and at the same time feel like there's a piece of your heart thats cracking into itty bitty little chunks...
My favorite couple got "roka'd" tonight.. a small ceremony, not inviting anyone.. RS called and sent me pictures about an hour ago.. and i got SOO excited i jumped around all over my room... and then called SN to tell her she looked so gorgeous i wanted to put a kaala tika on her...
at the same time i feel emptied out inside.. everyone is sorting out their lives, settling down, figuring out where they stand and who with..and I have no clue... i;m driftng most days.. just floating the the river of time, letting things pass by..

i finished school in 2005.. its 2015 now.. what do I have to show for the 10 years??????

Sunday, May 03, 2015

so this is strange..

I spent 6 hours straight today talking to a boy my entire family is super excited about as a "perfect" arranged match.. the first real "topical" topic of conversation he brought up was incidentally this blog.. and the fact that he managed to read the last 10 years worth of posts and is rather weirded out by how much of my personal life i've put up in the public domain..
more importantly, how it will be weird if anyone else in  the family reads the rants iv'e put up about the Ab and my relationship drama over the years...
AND he asked whether i would continue to put up this much about my life after marriage and whether any potential drama in our lives would get in teh public domain..
and after i got done feeling completely outraged at teh sheer cheek of the guy for asking me how to live MY life, i started thinking.. and reading from 2005 onwards.. how much of me ive poured into these pages over the years.. how much about me, my thought process and my history can someone find out just by taking a couple of hours out to read this thing...

i've never hidden who i am.. but using this as practically a personal diary when my work contacts, hell family can read this, specially when the things i've written about are not really anybody's business but mine...
i dont know..
i will never delete what ive written here.. this blog contains my best writing, my thoughts, my LIFE... so there is o way i'm hiding it away...

but how much do I let some random stranger see my life? judge me and make assumpions about me..??
if this guy could make the statements he did,.. who is to say what any random stangers may do with the data thats there about my life...

Monday, December 01, 2014

ENS-1, Annie -0


I've been living in the world of books for a long long time... taking my cues and inspirations from the characters i read.. wishing my life could get magically sorted with the stroke of  a pen... but whose life do we really know about anyway??

at the end Marianne does give in to the pressures of her sister and "everyone else" around... does that mean she settles or does she actually be happy..?
Elinor finds her love, as do Elizabeth and Jane... its the not quite the heroine sisters who you are left wondering about... does Lydia ever be happy or is she forced to live the rest of her life regretting the bad decisions she made at 15? is it enough that Brandon fancies himself in love?


I have always wanted the fireworks.. the impossible love that makes you feel giddy like you're soaring into the sky and nothing else matters.. I always said that i stayed because it was the only place where i felt like home.. like that is where i was meant to be...


Marianne had the good fortune to have been 18 years old.. I am much older and was regretfully not born in the 1800s.. I am supposedly an intelligent grown up..

so do I let go of the rainbows and butterflies and agree to the compromise of "maybes" and cynical realities where the teenage fantasy of love does not exist and what you really want is someone who cares about you and you understand and share values with and have the society's blessings to be with....?

I haven't bought a new M&B in a while... i gave up on the "no matter what we will sort it out and live happily ever after" tripe years ago... so why does it raise a wall of revulsion in me when everyone around me wants me to come to my senses and do the sensible thing??
in any case, there is no way in hell of finding a spark if you never let yourself go anywhere near fuel...



Tuesday, November 04, 2014

let us pause a moment and think of what consent means

Before anyone reads the rest of this, let me clarify that that this blogpost is more about the definition of consent used in the judgment and NOT about the age of the woman or the stage of her menstrual cycle, because most of the social media outrage has been on the court commenting that the deceased rape victim was menopausal.

http://www.firstpost.com/living/delhi-hc-didnt-say-menopausal-women-cant-be-raped-heres-what-it-really-said-1786761.html

http://daily.bhaskar.com/news/NAT-TOP-forceful-sex-with-woman-above-60-years-age-not-crime-says-delhi-hc-4795538-NOR.html

http://www.dnaindia.com/india/report-forceful-sex-on-menopausal-woman-not-rape-says-delhi-high-court-2031918

http://indianexpress.com/article/cities/delhi/man-acquitted-of-rape-as-delhi-hc-finds-woman-died-of-intoxication-not-forceful-sex/


so there is currently a heated debate going on among court reporters covering Delhi High court about this judgment and the way all of us have covered this story. because even though this judgment was reported last week in every newspaper, including mine, DNA’s story today is the only one which has raised the issue of the language used by the judge in his judgment as opposed to the legal reasoning we all chose to report, because frankly NO one wanted to take on the judiciary and face a potential contempt charge for pointing out flawed reasoning or injudicious use of certain words in a judgment given out by a very senior and very respected judge of the High court.


at the outset, I would like to apologise to this deceased woman. I as a reporter am also guilty of failing to play up this story as much as it deserved to be. I failed to highlight the story and raise the questions the DNA story and the later Legally India story has.. 



the debate among the reporters weirdly enough, is more about how much trouble the DNA guys are likely to be in as opposed to what the judgment is all about.
lets examine the facts- woman, age 60, died due to asphyxia caused by the food in her stomach going back up… in layman’s terms she choked on her own vomit and died.
fact 2- the death occurred during or very near the act of sexual intercourse
fact 3- there are injuries on her vagina, indicating forceful sex, something that the court itself has recognized and taken note of in the judgment.
fact4- there are no other injuries anywhere on her body, which the court has taken as evidence that she did not resist the sexual intercourse, no matter how forceful it may have been

the problem with the Indian legal system is that we tend to give benefit of the doubt to rapists and murderers because somehow, somewhere we cannot accept the idea that RAPE can happen without the victim fighting tooth and nail to throw off her rapist.. she doesn’t need to be battered half to death to protect her virtue.. and in this case, since she was supposedly drunk, the court has simply said that there is nothing to prove lack of consent.
one particular bright spark among our group of reporters, and may god give him SOME sense at some point in life, started arguing that ofcourse people have sex when they are drunk. “daaru pi ke sex nahi hota kya?” was his argument.
now while his argument as an abstract comment on the stupid decisions people sometimes make while drunk is one thing, in this situation, in this debate, it was probably THE stupidest argument made…. the woman is drunk out of her mind. the guy is also drunk, the woman’s husband goes out of the house coz he wants to go drink with a buddy instead of his wife and their neighbor. and just a few minutes later, she’s found dead with her clothes array and injuries on her vagina..
WHY on earth is this not rape?? how is a drunk, passed out woman presumed to have given consent???
the court has gone by the legal principles of proof beyond reasonable doubt and acquitted the 46 year old man of both rape and murder. that part no one can argue with because benefit of the doubt and presumption of innocence is so inherent a part of our legal reasoning that the judge HAD to have given that decision as far as the murder is concerned.
but RAPE? didn’t we recently amend the entire law on sexual offences to say that if she is incapable of giving consent for whatever reason it will count as a rape? severe intoxication IS under Indian law a legal excuse. if someone is drunk, they could NOT have given consent.
and what about the injuries on the woman?? the court in its judgment has said categorically that there are injuries on her vaginal area indicating forceful penetration. does that not count?? how did the court come out with the reasoning that “forceful” is not the same as “forced” in this particular case??

the woman is NOT capable of giving consent. There are injuries on her genitals. she is SO drunk that the sex forces her to vomit and she chokes to death..
HOW IS THIS NOT RAPE?? sure this is not murder, but this is culpable homicide. unintentionally or not, the act of forced sex killed her. how are we letting the “oh she was drunk” argument cloud the debate so much that the rapist goes free.

what would your reaction be if the woman in question was not a drunk old housemaid from the slums but the 22 year old daughter of a businessman who had tequila shots and was then given rohypnol at an upscale bar?

would you still say she may have given consent so the act was not rape because there is no injury? would you still say that forceful sex is not the same as forced sex??

Monday, October 27, 2014

Tort law has nothing on us...

Its not denial.. Iḿ just selective about the reality i accept... Bill Watterson


“I felt I was drawing close to that age, that place in life, where you realize one day what you'd told yourself was a Zen detachment turns out to be naked fear. You'd had one serious love relationship in your life and it had ended in tragedy, and the tragedy had broken something inside you. But instead of trying to repair the broken place, or at least really stop and look at it, you skated and joked. You had friends, you were a decent citizen. You hurt no one. And your life was somehow just about half of what it could be.” 
― Roland Merullo, A Little Love Story


I try to deny that something exists.. i closed my eyes and pretended because I was told that its not there and I believed the lie... why? because i wanted to.. because accepting the truth would mean i lose something precious.. it would mean that i failed yet again..

does that make me a hypocrite?? a liar??

if you made sure put up disclaimers and warning signs everywhere, who do you blame if someone gets hurt anyway..?

how far would absolute liability apply when the "hazardous material" is emotional...