to friends

Thank you KS for dedicating this song to me...
you have no idea of how good it feels..

and i know you're gonna pout at this... but i would also dedicate this song to tinni, ansh, ati and N...
i love you... 

Passive agressiveness and friendship do not mix

pick one.
either stick to trying to speak to me and resolving issues.. or just stay away.. I am NOT the one who approached you, or even the one who sent random cryptic messages after weeks of disappearance asking whether i'm still alive..
I was always frank and open with you.. i made you no promises, told you no lies.. whatever misconceptions you chose to nurse and then hang on to are no longer my problem..
i will always remember that boy who sang with a smile, the one who had fun dreams and said weird things for the shock value and made up things to escape a yelling at...
I will always remember the guy who talked me out of jumping off the roof on a day that nothing else came close to feeling like it mattered..

You aren't that guy anymore.. and I am not that girl..
so Goodbye..
may you find your way out of the darkness soon.

of rose tinted glasses and damaged frames

I used to live in a bubble then.. my friends, my family protected me and supported me and I could forget about reality and pain and cynical thoughts and believe in magic and rainbows and the see the best in people and BELIEVE that people were inherently good…

Then my angel shed his wings, my wall broke and my brother and sister left…

And now I am a shell most of the time… that spontaneity and happiness and rose colored glasses I used to live with are now gone and I have to force myself to interact with even the people who make me feel most alive because sometimes the feeling of the blood and adrenaline coursing through my veins is a bit too much and I need to shut down and retreat so I don’t get too overwhelmed..

You asked me why I changed… you’re one of those who threw a knife at me and walked away.. and yet you wonder where I learnt to flinch?

panic attacks at best friends' weddings...

i am officially feeling over the hill "damn i'm on the wrong side of 25" and in the midst of a semi panic attack... had a nearly full blown one complete with elevated heart rate and difficulty breathing just a few mins ago but was on the phone with ash so he talked me out of completely unraveling...
N got married in an ostentatious and gorgeous as a movie set extravaganza last week.. which lasted all week and is only "officially" ending with a reception from the Groom's side tomorrow... and in April, Ansh will get married too..
i'm used to seeing N with a bf, so her with a husband wasn't nearly as OMFGness inducing.. but right now.. at past midnight in the middle of a working week talking to ansh about a plan to get mad drunk and catch up when he comes back to Delhi next month.. i realised that this relationship is about to change completely... for the longest time I was the one in a relationship and took time out to spend time with him.. for a very long time now we were both single and alone and we were always there for each other.. and even though i have had nearly a year to get used to the upcoming wedding.. it hits me every single time that i think about it that our friendship will HAVE to take a backseat.. one could bid a boyfriend/girlfriend goodnight and then go and talk to friends.. once you're married with your wife in your room, you can't exactly pick up a call/skype with an insomniac friend in the middle of the night can you??
i am very well aware of the fact that i'm being weird and selfish.. he's happy, he's finally found someone he wants to be with.. after all these years of being alone.. as his best friend i am ecstatic for him... and i'm also sad about me...
i realllly have to go meet my bhabi to be in jaipur and then get off my ass and actually go for that mad vacation we have been planning for years.. i'm nearly 26 years old, by best friend is getting married.. the least i can do is throw that bachelor party/vacation we have been planning forever....

frazzled

INCESSANT WHINING ALERT!
PLEASE MOVE TO A DIFERENT BLOG/BLOGPOST..
this one is solely so i can get the whine out of my system and maybe get motivated enough to get off my ass and actually do something about it..

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or maybe its a keening cry for a hug and chocolate? or a swift kick in the ass even...
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so i was flipping through my day planner diary and realised that there are verrry few pages left for the year... where the hell did  2013 go??
I had made a list of things i wanted to accomplish over this year... and i can't even right now remember where i put it... the few things i DO remember putting on the list are undone...

I seem to have lost a year without really having anything to show for it.. I haven't done any spectacular stories, haven't really done anything memorable really... sure i have made a few more contacts in the courts, but no breakthrough stories yet...

 was supposed to take a holiday.. that fantasy holiday where I let go of my fears and just get up and explore whatever place suits my fancy with whatever company I can find... I went to Goa for a week but thanks to the rain and my own laziness the only things i really did in that week is sleep and read on the terrace.. unlike the mad picture of exploration and debauchery i had painted in my head or a fun holiday romance, what i DID come away with from there was a horror of my sister's crazy dog and a whole new collection of romance novels...

i was supposed to get over my mental hangup about the AB and move on.. maybe date again, maybe just have a damned fling.. have  done that?? NO..

i was supposed to FINALLY write or atleast start on that novel that makes some sporadic appearances in the recesses of my half asleep mind...the most i have to show for that is a few pages of rambling text that even I cant bear reading through...

what IS the point of life when all i feel like doing lately is to hide under my bed with a book and forget that life exists...

listening to random songs while waiting for an order to upload...

 Put my phone music player on shuffle and this is whats played the last few mins..

 THAT DON'T IMPRESS ME MUCH- Shania Twain
I've known a few guys who thought they were pretty smart
But you've got being right down to an art
You think you're a genius-you drive me up the wall
You're a regular original, a know-it-all
Oh-oo-oh, you think you're special
Oh-oo-oh, you think you're something else

Okay, so you're a rocket scientist
That don't impress me much
So you got the brain but have you got the touch
Don't get me wrong, yeah I think you're alright
But that won't keep me warm in the middle of the night
That don't impress me much

I never knew a guy who carried a mirror in his pocket
And a comb up his sleeve-just in case
And all that extra hold gel in your hair oughtta lock it
'Cause Heaven forbid it should fall outta place

Oh-oo-oh, you think you're special
Oh-oo-oh, you think you're something else

Okay, so you're Brad Pitt
That don't impress me much
So you got the looks but have you got the touch
Don't get me wrong, yeah I think you're alright
But that won't keep me warm in the middle of the night
That don't impress me much

You're one of those guys who likes to shine his machine
You make me take off my shoes before you let me get in
I can't believe you kiss your car good night
C'mon baby tell me-you must be jokin', right!

Oh-oo-oh, you think you're special
Oh-oo-oh, you think you're something else

Okay, so you've got a car
That don't impress me much
So you got the moves but have you got the touch
Don't get me wrong, yeah I think you're alright
But that won't keep me warm in the middle of the night

That don't impress me much
You think you're cool but have you got the touch
Don't get me wrong, yeah I think you're alright
But that won't keep me warm on the long, cold, lonely night
That don't impress me much

Okay, so what do you think you're Elvis or something...
Oo-Oh-Oh
That don't impress me much!

Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh-No
Alright! Alright!

You're Tarzan!
Captain Kirk maybe.
John Wayne.
Whatever!
That don't impress me much!



"50 Ways To Say Goodbye"- Train

My heart is paralyzed
My head was oversized
I'll take the high road like I should
You said it's meant to be
That it's not you, it's me
You're leaving now for my own good

That's cool, but if my friends ask where you are I'm gonna say

She went down in an airplane
Fried getting suntanned
Fell in a cement mixer full of quicksand
Help me, help me, I'm no good at goodbyes!
She met a shark under water
Fell and no one caught her
I returned everything I ever bought her
Help me, help me, I'm all out of lies
And ways to say you died

My pride still feels the sting
You were my everything
Some day I'll find a love like yours (a love like yours)
She'll think I'm Superman
Not super minivan
How could you leave on Yom Kippur?

That's cool, but if my friends ask where you are I'm gonna say

She was caught in a mudslide
Eaten by a lion
Got run over by a crappy purple Scion
Help me, help me, I'm no good at goodbyes!
She dried up in the desert
Drowned in a hot tub
Danced to death at an east side night club
Help me, help me, I'm all out of lies
And ways to say you died

I wanna live a thousand lives with you
I wanna be the one you're dying to love...
But you don't want to

That's cool, but if my friends ask where you are I'm gonna say
That's cool, but if my friends ask where you are I'm gonna say

She went down in an airplane
Fried getting suntanned
Fell in a cement mixer full of quicksand
Help me, help me, I'm no good at goodbyes!
She met a shark under water
Fell and no one caught her
I returned everything I ever bought her
Help me, help me, I'm all out of lies

She was caught in a mudslide
Eaten by a lion
Got run over by a crappy purple Scion
Help me, help me, I'm no good at goodbyes!
She dried up in the desert
Drowned in a hot tub
Danced to death at an east side night club
Help me, help me, I'm all out of lies
And ways to say you died


and then comes this cheesy number..

WHEN YOU SAY NOTHING AT ALL- Ronan Keating

It's amazing how you
Can speak right to my heart.
Without saying a word
You can light up the dark.

Try as I may, I could never explain
What I hear when you don't say a thing.

[Chorus:]
The smile on your face
Lets me know that you need me.
There's a truth in your eyes
Saying you'll never leave me.
[Album version:] The touch of your hand says you'll catch me wherever I fall.
[Live version:] The touch of your hand says you'll catch me whenever I fall.
You say it best when you say nothing at all.

All day long I can hear
People talking out loud (oooh).
But when you hold me near (you hold me near)
You drown out the crowd (the crowd, the crowd).

Try as they may, they can never define
What's been said between your heart and mine.

[Chorus:]
The smile on your face
Lets me know that you need me.
There's a truth in your eyes
Saying you'll never leave me.
[Album version:] The touch of your hand says you'll catch me wherever I fall.
[Live version:] The touch of your hand says you'll catch me whenever I fall.
[Album version:] You say it best (you say it best) when you say nothing at all.
[Live version:] 'Cause you say it best (you say it best) when you say nothing at all.

[Chorus:]
The smile on your face
Lets me know that you need me.
There's a truth in your eyes
Saying you'll never leave me.
[Album version:] The touch of your hand says you'll catch me wherever I fall.
[Live version:] The touch of your hand says you'll catch me whenever I fall.
[Album version:] You say it best (you say it best) when you say nothing at all.
[Live version:] 'Cause you say it best (you say it best) when you say nothing at all.

(You say it best when you say nothing at all.
You say it best when you say nothing at all.)

That smile on your face,
[Album version:] The truth in your eyes,
[Live version:] The look in your eyes,
The touch of your hand
Lets me know that you need me.

(You say it best when you say nothing at all.
You say it best when you say nothing at all.)

[Live version additional ending:]
The smile on your face,
The look in your eyes,
The touch of your hand
Lets me know that you need me.

the contrast was quite amusing.. :)
maybe i am far too bored in life today...
the court website doesn't seem to wanna cooperate...