maybe i should change the name of this blog to 'rants of a depressed soul'.. or 'blank'... that seems to be my most common theme lately.................................

never made it as a wise man....

creepy crawly

like the strangest darkest weirdest of things imagined and unimaginable except in that dream state where i'm wide awake and watching my fingers fly across the paper or the keyboard without consciously knowing where the sentence is going

thoughts burrow somewhere to surface like a mole or a mouse when i'm looking elsewhere and actually put it out of my mind.. then it scurries into my peripheral vision and i can do nothing but stare at it terrified till t chooses to go away leaving me fearful of its return

the rattle of a snake almost

an advance warning that something is there in your path, something that knows you when you don't know it

shadows that dance in the light changing form before you can identify it

this is how it comes creeping into my thoughts

its only when you lose everything that you're completely free to be yourself...

so we're already two days into 2011 and i'm enjoying the lazy sunday.. though i have tonnes of things-to-do lined up including straightening out my closet that has borne the brunt of being stuffed with everything i own in a hurry coz i wanted to leave for a new year's party.. i think i even stuffed a couple of my saris haphazardly into the shelf instead of hanging them as they should be.. but snuggling into a blanket is a much more appealing prospect :)

N n i ushered in the new year together again :) i think we've done that the last four years now.. this time would probably be the last though as she might not be in town next year.. though she did spend most of the night hanging out with her boyfriend and i spent it chatting and dancing with lots of ppl..


in the midst of that loud party however, the whiskey coursing through my veins and the hypnotic flames that were warming my feet took me into one of my I- have to write/type- this- down -right- now- moods. so this is what i typed in the haze and it actually surprises me that not only did i write this at all.. but i managed to not make too many typing errors. though i do suppose the T9 dictionary thats always on in my phone may be responsible for that..... its a little sad for something written at that time in that place.. i suppose sitting curled up alone by the fire with couples all around does that to one...

   it amazes me sometimes.. the sheer weirdness of the thoughts that erupt in flames. the red and gold of the flames reminds me of half- forgotten dreams as i stare into the fire with tongues of whiskey licking at my subconscious and dragging me to another world.. The warmth of the blazing embers takes me to a different word even as laughter and conversations of a thousand people surround me as the first light of a distant dawn breaks far over the horizon and beckons me into a dream.. a dream in which this fire draws me closer to its warmth and security.. a dream where the buzzing conversations retreat into the background and allow me to disappear into a new world of sensation.. a world where the bright lights from a passing car throw shadows of dreams across my conscious mind.. where i no longer feel alone in the cold but feel one with the world around me...

..................................................

on a completely unrelated note.. i finally watched Fight Club after several recommendations.. its a fascinating, albeit insane storyline.. its absolute chaos to the point that identity is lost..  chaos tightly controlled by a plan born out of insane denial of one's own thoughts.. scary as all hell if u really think about it.. 

goodbye decade....

i remember being almost 13 years old and being spooked by the whole Y2K bug rumour.. i remember pressing my nose against the window and looking out as the fireworks celebrated the start of a new millenium..
i can feel the years fold back as i reminisce right now.. i don't even know why i am writing an 'end of the year' kind of blogpost.. but my fingers are dancing around the keyboard and i can hardly stop the process once it begins....
so here's to a farewell to teenage, college, to the beginning of growing up..
to a decade full of experiences who have now made me the woman who will live the next few decades of my life..
to love and laughter and friends.. to tears and bruises and dusting off the mud and getting up again..
to the decade thats gone by and to what i hope will be a new phase of life..

farewell 2010..

and i wish a great new year to everyone!

broken wings

It is for you my love, its all for you..

the blood of my soul

 That spreads from me to you

The pieces of my heart scattered around the courtyard

As I lie dying crushed beneath your love

Its all for you.. only for you…

…………..

It just came to me

Like the remnants of a dream

As I lazed in that half aleep, not quite awake state

Just what is not no matter how much I may want it to be

A brush, dusted off and starting with a clean slate…

its been FIVE years!!!!!!!

I just realised that December 2010 implies that I've been blogging for FIVE YEARS!!!!!

wow.. 

thank you. all those who read my blog and all those who give me reasons to write it (yes even the sad ones) 

                                        I started the blog on 19 December 2005!!!!!
 with this.
and from those silly days of a bored teenager's outpourings.. well.. i still do sound like that sometimes..
thank you for reading and commenting.. and sharing..and not pointing out the hundreds of spelling mistakes that i don't bother to run a mental or computer generated spell- check on!

:)