whn you say nothing at all

We all grapple with strange thoughts every single day. Sometimes what is in our mind overwhelms rationality and leaves us vulnerable, weak and hurt. Sometimes rationality, cold calculation, Knowledge wins and no matter what curveballs get hit our way we manage to get past them.


Sometimes we get hit. We get hurt. Things are simply too much. Too many thoughts, memories,, opinions words, acts, images sounds fighting for space in our head and the incoherence is frightening. And sometimes its patters that make us cower.

The mind has got to be the most fearsome thing ever created by the hand of god or man. Nothing comes close to what our own mind can evoke to leave us cowering and defeated even before anything actually happens. Or after something has happened and we need to gather ourselves and get up, but the mind holds us captive. Shattered on the ground and unable to so much as try to put the pieces together.

Sometimes it takes sheer willpower to get up. Conscious mind over unconscious thought. You MAKE yourself get up even when you think there is nothing left. You make yourself walk when everything has given out. Life then becomes a breath, a step, the swift intake of breath after a sob has escaped. A tear wiped, a moan swallowed, a footstep towards reclaiming the broken pieces of your self, putting them together is the goal you work towards..

sometimes you find yourself stepping off the edge of a cliff.. into the unknown, burning all figurative bridges behind you. No going back. No matter how much you may want to, no matter how dark the path ahead is. You make yourself move ahead. No going back to what once was, what things can never again be

But some memories and images and sounds still follow you.. scents, sense, touch, feel, things evoke memories, and our mind is just so good at running away from us.. running across worn out paths that we walked over once, tugging us to the imprints we left there..

You can never go back, imprints are too deeply etched, things cannot be undone… and yet your mind tells you that it might happen… so you put all your might behind that might… behind that which might not.. and at the end you’re left fighting shadows and flickers.

Sometimes your mind will not let you not revisit a time from which you’ve come away.. There’s nothing left but memory.. but memory is a powerful thing.

………………………………………………….

On a completely unrelated note.. I made a paneer dish again for dinner... something called “embassy paneer” that I got off the Amul website. It was nice overall, but I put too little salt in it.

also, I would put my neck on the line and say this.. I don’t care how cute or good Messi is.. Kaka is HOT!

i got a feeling...

Maybe I should do a food blog kind of thing a la Julie and Julia… now that there’s a laptop in the house.. I cannot take it to the level that Julie did ofcourse but I could actually do this for a couple of weeks… since I have nothing else to do for the month but play housemaid till courts reopen in July…


So thanks to the handy little laptop, I happily looked up a recipe online and sat the laptop down in the kitchen and reread the recipe as many times as I needed till the dish got done..

I made dahi- chicken a couple of days ago... and today I just got done making paneer kofta… n rt now I have a “cooking feeling”… like I WANT to experiment and make new things…

the brats went off to stay at grandparents' for a couple of days and the house has been sooo quiet that i can hear my heartbeat… plus I’m bored and cooking gives me something satisfying to do…

can anyone recommend some nice dishes that are also not terribly difficult??
 
i wanna try as many kinds of things as i possibly can in the next 15 odd days.. not just north indian standards.. but other random stuff..
 
i looked up the kofta recipe on Indianfoodforever.com.. hope it tastes as nice as it looks.. dad and the boys should be back for dinner tonight...

no surprise

it was on april 22 that i wrote the most sensible post of the year...

some things cannot be recycled or reused..

i tried to be melanie.. but i could never even be scarlett..

i should really stop trying to live in storybooks... its been a long time since i gave up on a storybook romance.. maybe its time i gave up on a novel- worthy comeback as well..

things happen when they have to happen.. you can't hold on to something broken and believe that it'll get back to its unspoiled beautiful self...
or even taht if you try enough you'll reassemble it into some other beautiful thing... whats broken remains so..


......................
i have a scar on my waist... its a puckered little reminder of a cycling accident as an 8 year old..
some scars never fade.. this is one of them.... its something to learn from.

i have several scars as a matter of fact.. comes with a lifetime of clumsiness... falling off slides, on rocks, baching bicycles into buildings, falling off tree branches banging against doors.. been there, done that, carry the mark of..

and every one of them reminds me of a time when doing something that was "a good idea at the time" can lead to both laughter and pain.

there's a lot that happens in life that makes NO sense whatsoever... but feels damn good..
unfortunately.. today's not quite what i would want put in that category...

i REALLY need better things to do in life than overanalyse n crib..

i'm not that pesky little kid you took care of... i grew up. can you please deal with it like a grown up

it really hurts when the person because of whom you have been put in fetters says that being restricted is a good thing... that the outside world is not safe enough for you.... when each time you try to loosen your chains they are tightened because of the enduring spectre of THAT person..

i know its stupid to resent someone who never knew what havoc their behaviour might cause.... who genuinely thinks that the same fetters they broke in their bid to live would keep someone else safe and happy.. its even more ridiculous however, to have kept well within lines and done everything expected of you.. and then be denied the power to take decisions that affect no one but yourself... its downright hurts when you comply with every valid and stupid restriction far beyond the age where anyone less compliant would and did, and yet you're tarred with the brush of rebellion when all you want is to be recognised as a thinking person in your own right...

i suppose it would be a bit counterproductive to quote britney spears of all the people after saying that i am too old to be controlled, but this song says it all..

i'm not a girl
there is no need to protect me..
........

ive seen so much more than you know now.. and thats why it seems to me...
i'm not a girl.