life does not have an 'undo' button...

there is so much that can be said in the darkness of the night... when u're a few drinks down and feel the last of your inhibitions melt away..
things said, unsaid.. can a night's conversation be undone??
or forgotten in the light of the day??

things happen.. words are spoken.. emotions given vent.. in the dark embrace of the night...
light spreads a blanket of silence again.. things that can be shouted about in the dark can only be given a whispered outlet..
and you open your mind to what the light exposes..
the cracks, the disfigurments, the chasms between hope and reality that seem easy enough to jump over in the darkness now yawn open.. endless, bottomless.. with their own darkness peering up..

and you wonder..
can words be unsaid?? can actions be undone?

song of pain or song of hope????

Fix You- Coldpaly
When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
COULD IT BE WORSE?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face And I
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

HEEEEEEELLLLPPPP!!!

can someone pleeease tell me how to re- arrange page elements on teh blog??? i would definitely like my bloglists and links on teh side instead of at teh bottom.. and HOW do i make teh damned picture fit teh header portion..
tips PLEEEASSEEE!!!! Indyeah! sololi! IHM!! ANYONE!!!!????? HAAALLLLLPPPPP!!

and how do u tag someone in a post?

feedback on teh new look anyone?? i saw that Indyeah had changed the look of her blog.. and i'd become rather bored with mine.. hence the effort.. but i'm quite technologically challanged...

bratspeak

the brats are growing up too.. the twin terrors.. they're teens now!! hit 13 this year.. and with the age they're bcoming less scared of old big sis and more likely to give back more than they get..
heck.. they're also growing taller almost by the hour...
a few weeks back.. i'd had a really busy couple of weeks at work and had spent very little time at home. on the weekend i decided to spend some time with the family.. and found that the brats had inexplicably grown to reach my chin!!!
me: hey... weren't they just shoulder high last i checked???
brat 1: well.. u obviously havent been looking..
brat 2: maybe u've shrunk with your work load.... hahahahahahahaha

A recent spate of weddings in the extended family has left me next in line.. and the family has begaun a campaign to mould my carefree spirit into one taht would be amenable to teh idea of marriage..
ME: "i'm not even $%^$%#^&^ 21!!!"
Response: "we know.. u'll resemble a girl by the time ure 25 ONLY if we start now"...
Me:"WTF#$%^#$%^$#&^
response: see.. this is what we meant...
siiighhh

so.. anyway... the brats have picked up on the rumours and it tickles them no end that their terible big sis will eventually leave and her room, which so far is forbidden terrain.. will be theirs.. (cue the manical laugh)

dialogue 1
B1: u know what jiji, u really should get married quickly..
me: wha????
B1: well.. if u get married.. ur husband will help us out.. "woh bolenge ki in chote chot bachchon ko kyun daanti rehti ho...
me: ???????????//
parents: hehhahahhahahahahahhahahahahahaha


Dialogue 2
me checking mails online and the brats trying to read the screen over my shoulder.. i turn and whack the air.. and they jump and scramble for dear life.. tumbling over the bed and crash landing.
B1: ow my arm! my arm...
B2: (by now on his feet and pulling faces at me out of reach) i'm not scared of you
I pretend to lunge out of my chair.. both scramble out of reach and run out the door.. i go back to my work..
B1: (again dancing just out of reach) u knaow what jiji.. i'm NOT scared of you..
me: really.. himmat hai to yahan tak aa (add faux menacing looks)
B2: woh nahi kar sakte.. akhir tumhari reputation ka sawaal hai..
me: ??????????/
B1: dekho.. agar tumne maara, aur hamein lag gayi.. and koi nishan ban gaya.. phir jab hum tumhare sasural walon se milenge aur unhone poocha kya hua beta toh hamien to kehna padega ki jiji ne maara
B2: jhooth bolna paap hota hai na ( bats eyes)
B1: aur phir agar hamne kaha ki tumne maara, to woh sochenge.. kaisi chudaail hi ye ladki
(both double up with laughter and i'm left wondering whether to laugh or shoo them out again..)

maybe i should just put a stop to their TV watching.. they have rather a habit of watching random saas bahu serials with nana..

damnit!! the brats are teens now!!! they'll be running after girls as opposed to running from them soon... they're already settling down to listen to my music instead of makig weird noises and lambasting the guitars....
my boys are growing up!

giggly talks and party plans..

had a nice long giggly talk with tinni last night... met ati a couple of days ago.. with the boy in tow...
was thinking about how different we are now.. and yet how 'we' have remained the same.. ati n i have been friends since we were a few months old... tinni n i met as bouncy lil 11 year olds in class 6... and we've managed to stay friends all these years.. *touch wood* i was just thinking about teh fact taht a few days ago i'd written a rather long post bout how horrified i was to learn that ati was dating.. i've always treated her as a baby sister.. and tinni n i have talked each other through more boy troubles than u can count... and now she's been with this guy for two whole years... we've talked each other through exam tensions, parent troubles, relationships, random bummed out days, shopping trips, school functions, picking presents, learning to grow up..

i miss her terribly rt now...

part of last night's conversation was about traits of Gemini men... considering that A, who is the third wheel in our friend circle.. AND cd.. tinni's bf, AND sap.. who again is is a close friend to both of us.. are ALL %&^$*^$%* geminis!!! and all these boys have driven us up more walls than we can count... its damned near impossible to have a straight, serious conversation with them.. try and introduce a discussion thats serious.. and you can be sure that they'll turn it around to something else so soon u won't know WHAT hit you.. come to think of it.. i have rather a deluge of gemini men in my friend circle... even aks, a dear friend from college.. is a gemini..and NONE of these guys can actually make up their minds about ANYTHING.... case in point..?? aks. ive heard his opinion on virtually EVERY woman in college.. and counselled him through a rather looong list of crushes and almost- girlfriends.. A's like taht too... infact... ive had rather ridiculous conversations with BOTH these guys which began with a discussion about what happened on a date with girl 1 and ended with whether a coffee with girl 2 would be construed as a date.. tinni tells me that cd isnt much better.. AND i have this standard line i almost always end up using with sap.. "main agre ki bolti hoon tu lucknow ki sunta hai!"
geminis i tell you... but they make the most amazing frenz.. they'll inevitably make you laugh no matter how blued out u may be.. and they'll listen to you... and remember stuff that u may have said years ago to them n they'll use the same line on you... do they also have alternate memory storage along with that second mind???

AND....
i've been making birthday party plans in my head... i'm FINALLY going to turn 21 soon... but ma n pa havent yet let go of the "no booze in the house" rule nor are they planning to give up their cozy home for one measly night so their firstborn can have a nice parrrrttaayyy... watever i do.. have to keep in mind that parents AND the brats.. will be home..
sssiiiiggghhh... i SO want a nice loud party with plenty of booze and dancing... to celebrate the fact that i'll finally be an age when my parents can NOT say that i'm too young...

i really want a big party.. invite pretty much everyone i've ever been good friends with.. like.. "this is to invite you because you have touched my life at some point and had an impact on me.. and as i bid goodbye to my childhood i would want you there at the celebration"... as senti as it may sound... i actually sat down to count the number of people who i would REALLY desperately want at that party... adding a few who would ideally fall into that description but i havent met them in years.. ofcourse teachers and parents are NOT counted in the list.. and it comes to about 20 people that i REALLY REALLY want there. and a further 15 or so who should ideally be invited... add the few random friends who have to be invited BECAUSE they exist in the same circle as the rest.. and u have about 50 people in the guest list... except that a lot of the "must haves" aren't even the same city anymore... n that includes tinni, A, sap, owl, and a few more...
wish they could all be there..

like i'm even having the damned thing...
could someone tell me a good way to convince parents that letting a whole bunch of people loose in thehouse with booze in hand is NOT a bad idea after all...???

dreams

you know u're living in a dream world..
when you dont know how to react to situations...
when something makes you want more in your heart but your mind says no..
when the caress of the wind makes you crave for someone. when you know that it cant be...

sleep is a luxury... dreams overwhelm your senses...

one too many fantasies spin in your head...