insomnia.....

“I lost my baby!!! My baby!!!!” my cry seemed unnaturally loud to me in the confines of my little room. The cold of the night seems to suffocate me... and I’m too broken to crawl under the warmth of the blanket lying on the other side of the floor. I feel this numbness, this darkness... emptiness inside me... where there was life just a few short days ago...
My baby…
Flesh of my flesh... blood of my blood…
My love
The only remaining symbol of the fairytale life I’d once hoped to have…


I’m a widow... my husband died in a battle that I was never allowed to learn anything about, and all I have left of our romance is a few letters, pictures... and my memories...
He died and I couldn’t save him…

They told me it was impossible for him to live. The war he faced would eventually take him. They WARNED me not to marry him. “His life is far too dangerous anu... You never know when he has to go.” But I held on. To the hope that my love would come home to me... to the belief that this mail order romance will one day turn into the fairytale I had always wanted. I danced with joy when he called from wherever he was that last month... Spent days preparing for the short while he had stayed home...

He wasn’t on my side when I found out about our baby...
It was days after he had left that I came out of my stupor long enough to notice the dates on the calendar… that the nausea was no longer an impact of the mutilated bodies i had been forced to examine to find my love...
I wept long into that night... for the father who would never know his child... for the baby who would only see his father in a frame on my bedside…

That’s when I decided to ensure that my baby met his father… I love him as much as he does… but I knew he would want to hold his baby... he would want to play with our child as much as I did.
So I told my baby to go to his father...
The last token of my love for him...

Flesh of my flesh… blood of my blood…


And now the padded walls of this room are my only solace... they enclose the darkness that is my existence now...

And I have my memories….
My love... with that smile I could never resist… you will teach our son to smile that way won’t you….?

another one of tinni's poems..

dont know why i'm putting these up.. she certainly didnt giv me permission to... but i just came across these in an old file... and they mean as much now as they ever have...
the dreams of a 'perfect' romance.. of the happily ever afters... of "the one" that we used to believe in as children...

I AM WAITING FOR YOU!
Standing at the window side,
I gazed at the moonlit sky,
A slow breeze blew along,
Caressing my face as it passed on.
My heart danced with joy,
and was filled with an inexplicable delight.
My thoughts carried me far away,
Far away from the real world.
And then i thought about you,
I wondered if it is really true,
that someone, somewhere is made for you.
then why have not i met you yet,

But, it's true, that in my dreams i have created,
Someone who might be like you,
Someone whom i am so eagerly waiting to meet,
Who would carry this dreamy teenager off her feet,
Someone who would accept me as the way I am,
and to my life who would add a new meaning.
It's true that i have never met you before,
But often I have felt your presence near me.

In the early dawn,when the first rays of the sun, brightens up the sky,
when the first song of the koel,
sitting in the vicinity,so beautifully breaks Nature's serenity,
my heart, with delight, soars high,
and i can feel you close by!

When i dance in the rain,
and feel the sprinkle of rain drops on my face,
and when the winds whistle past my ear,
i cannot help feeling, that you were here.

When i walk down the lane, in the evening,
and faraway at the horizon,i see the sun setting,
when the moon starts peeping,from behing the faint reddish glow of the sky,
i find your thoughts encircling,me, from all sides,
making me, oblivious of my surroundings.
Often i have tried searching for you around me,
and felt, i had found you in somebody,
Was it truly you , i wonder,
or is it because, i feel so strongly for you,
that my emotions have overwhelmed me............

A sudden gust of cool breeze,
pulled me back from my thoughts,
i hugged myself tightly,and smiled softly at the stars,

Till, someone above,
feels,that we are destined to meet,
I will wait for you , i certainly will.

sreyashi wrote this poem.. years ago

her writing has Always inspired me... love ya tinni.

WAITING FOR A NEW DAWN…………..
The fierce sea currents lashed at it, with all their might,
They came rushing forward like galloping horses, rose to a height, A
nd struck it hard, like a python does,
with its deadly fangs.
But it stood firmly at its place- the big, old rock.
Braving relentlessly, the fury of the sea.
A lightning thundered ominously close by,
And the dark clouds, scattered in the sky,
Slowly came together and merged with one another.
It seemed that they all stood together to mock,
At the plight of the rock..
The gusty gale made the sea rumble violently.
It looked as though the waves were saying with a scorn,
Oh, great rock, standing there all alone and forlorn!
No matter, how much you try and valiantly endure,
We will shatter you to pieces, that’s for sure.

Even as this war waged, the rock stood there, resolute,
It knew it had to fight, It could not allow itself to be subdued..
It remembered the tranquil days of the ocean.
When it basked under the warm sun,
And the gently flowing water caressed its feet.
When the seagulls and a myriad of other birds,
flocked together and perched on it.
When the frolicking waves, and the pleasant breeze
Gave rise to lilting melodies.
Even as these thoughts carried its mind far away,
A huge and ferocious wave crashed at the place where it lay.
It made the flame of hope, in its heart, flicker….
But not for long…
The rock kept gazing wistfully at the faraway horizon,
Yearning to see,
in the darkness, a beam of light,
Which would give way to a new dawn, beautiful and bright.

Where the mind is without fear and the head is held high.....

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/14/world/asia/14kandahar.html?_r=1&hp

the taliban may try to suppress education but these girls are putting up a fight for their life..

Women were confined to the household, not even allowed to go to the markets under the taliban, who also disallowed education in any form except learning teh koran. only a select few men were allowed to study properly. Since 2001, when the war against teh Taliban broke out, people, specially women of the battered country are setting out to learn and create a nation.

hukkas and memories...

i had an amazing day yesterday.. had to go look at hukka bars in the city for a story thats now been shot down.. but i got my day of smoke n memories.. sap got back to delhi yesterday so i convinced him to meet me at the station n hang out with me before goin home... its freaaaky how thin he's gotten.. but then when the choice is between hostel food n your own cooking.. i guess anyone would lose some weight.. anyway... i met him at teh station after a horribly delayed train and frantic calls to confirm that he had arrived/not gone home with out telling me/ not had an accident somewhere... coz the damned train was almost 3 hours late coz of teh foggy weather n sap being teh damned idiot that he is had run through all his balance so he couldnt call n tell me when he's arriving.. n god..... teh train enquiries service ppl are such idiots! they told me taht teh train had already arrived..!!!! n i was FREAKIN OUT coz i couldnt get through and there was no communique from sap..

anyway.. after mutual exclammations of "tu kitna patla ho gaya hai", we went to khan mkt to this hukka place called market cafe.. after an auto ride taht turned into a nostalgia and giggles fest.. and sap refused to wear anything warm...! he spent most of teh day in a half sleeved tshirt except a brioef 30 second interlude when he wore my overcoat.. then got embarrasesed n proceeded to carry it around n use it as blanket in teh auto..

anyway... on our way to khan mkt we saw this reeeeaaallly pretty convertible on teh road with an old sardarji driving it.. neither of us knows what car it is so if any kind soul can provide enlightenment it would be highly welcome...

so.. we got to khan.. went up the spiral staircase at market cafe.. n saw teh menu... read teh menu.. n walked out after seeing the prices.. :)

and proceeded to eat the kabab rolls at khan chacha's..

hung out at the barista outlet for about an hour eating chocolate excess and drinking frappe... i'd forgotten how good it was to sit with someone n be silent for a while... n then talk bout silly things n things taht matter.. and dare each other to aim things at bald men's heads only to pull back teh dare yourself.. :)

then we went to def col market where i also called noor to join us.. went to mocha to wait for her to arrive.. damn pretty place that.. too bad teh smoking section was too full so we had to leave.. sat at mocha for a few minutes and generally chatted bout life.. n then we went to this place called cafe brown sugar.. its in def col mkt itself.. with noor, and had a mint flavored hooka.. sheesha as its called.. took me quite a while to figure out how to pull so taht i could take in the smoke instead of gagging on it..
but.. i finally managed.. sap meanwhile tried to copy this waiter there who was blowing smoke rings..

and ended up looking like a smoke geyser.... ;)

anyway.. after a dreamy hour or so of sheesha and conversation.. we headed out again.. noor had to go home.. n we decided to hit CP... the auto ride till cp was chilllllyyyyy... so we were sitting cuddled up in my coat.. n discussing career and college and school.. and then we were singing.. honestly.. with or without you is SO not the same unless its a duet... :)... sigh.... memories...

at CP.. we sat at a Barista outlet again.. n right on the next table was this couple where this guy was SO trying to show off his guitar n vocal skills to his girlfriend.. we watched tehm 4 a while.. got all nostalgic bout school n teh band.. n borrowed the guitar.. and proceeded to sing away to glory for teh next hour or so.. including silly hindi songs like "tu mile dil khile.." hehehe

oh n there was this absolutely ADORABLE little kid there.. who was staring at us a while.. n then came up n asked to play teh guitar.. n teh guitar was too big for him.. so sap n i decided to give teh kid lessons...he's in prep class.. n went away determined to buy a small guitar and learn.. specially since we were trying to teach him the D chord.. but his hands were too tiny even for that... his mum was almost embarrassed.. but the way sap got all excited at teh idea of teaching taht kid how to hold a guitar.. we were both (The mum n me) just standing there watching teh two kids.. hehehe.

we finally left fromj there at 7.. once sap got a frantic call from his roommate in bangalore warning him taht his mum had been calling to find out where he was.. n since he hadnt told his parents he was comin to delhi.. he ran home to surprise tehm...

all in all.. a lovely day with an old friend.. something i hadnt even known that i was really yearning for.. the comfort of intimacy.. of knowing someone who knows you and accepts you.. things got a bit teary a few times.. and we got pretty nostalgic a few times... but teh comfort was always there..

of an old trusted friend u can get high with and sing lullabys in autos...

This guilt trip that you put me on won't mess me up I've done no wrong
Any thoughts of you and me have gone away
Better off that way
I'm better off alone anyway


its funny how many avril lavigne lyrics have defined my life at various points in time... n to think the guys laughed when i wanted to sing her songs....