a tentative step

are you still here? i miss you......

2012-02-02T20:48:00.000+05:30

What do I know of you? or us…..

Maybe my memory is playing tricks

We used to talk.. did we not??

Of everything and nothing…

or am I mistaken???

The good things and the bad,

the songs in our minds and the nightmares in our souls

Of dreams and our memories,

hopes and desires

What have we lost in all these years?

The words? The voice?

Or have we lost Us……?

Maybe I just don’t remember it right… who knows…….

you asked me how i felt last night...

2012-01-22T23:31:00.000+05:30

so you say i'm not tough enough
and then when i am, i'm heartless
and if i change my mind, i'm frivolous
and if i don't i'm stubborn..
if i take a stand, i don't see other sides
if i do, i'm confused
so what IS it that would be right.....

wow..

2012-01-22T23:29:00.002+05:30

so i came across this amazing story about a poem describing Radha's anger at Krishna for abandoning her...

love-sex-aur-maafi- OPEN Magazine

I'm glad that in a country full of people who so adore to protest against any piece that in an manner whatsoever criticises a God's divinity, such works exist and are being appreciated...

Mills n boon fever

2012-01-17T15:15:00.001+05:30

would you marry someone you didn't "love" because your parents chose them for you and you can't come up with any earthly reason except "but I don't think it'll work out" for saying no...???

i'm wondering just what it is that people "see" in an arranged marriage... how does one check for compatibility, common interests, that elusive 'spark' when both are under pressure and performing a role in accordance with society's wishes???

but then, how much do you really know a person even when you've been dating for a while??

Does that "kissed till their senses swam, and she swooned in his arms" chemistry really exist????
love stories really do generate unrealistic expectations...

The Dignity of Court

2012-01-13T18:31:00.001+05:30

I pray for the indulgence of the HONORABLE court and my esteemed colleagues and seniors, but as a woman, I present this case solely from the woman's perspective.

One would imagine the Delhi High Court to be full of well educated, genteel people who twist and turn the interpretations of the Law to suit their clients' interests. However, today I learnt that no matter what you may perceive on seeing the black coat and gown and band, the MAN triumphs over the Gentleman.... Today, 13th January 2012, a Male Advocate of the Delhi High Court first misbehaved with and then slapped a Lady advocate IN court.
there may ofcourse exist numerous variations in the story depending on one's political/gendered/hearsay perspective. the facts on record so far stand thus:

There were two lawyers, one male and one Female present before the Joint Registrar's Court, a crowded room, presenting arguments over a matter.
The gentleman in question jostled against the lady, who told him to stand back.
the gentleman after a heated altercation, put his hand on the lady's chest and pushed her. More than once.
The lady slapped him
the gentleman slapped her in retaliation...

There were several people present in court and the number of slaps and the number of pushes are unclear. There are several versions of this story.

But the facts that each story contains are.
he touched her- she slapped him- he slapped her back.

You would expect any person who accidentally brushes against you to simply apologise and move away. this man didn't. He got aggressive- he pushed her, touching her Breast in the process. and instead of apologising, shouted at her and slapped her!

the registrar after some efforts to pacify the situation there reported the matter to the Chief Justice of the Delhi High court. the CJ, after hearing both sides and a few other people who were present on the scene held the man in Contempt of Court and punished him. His punishment- Judicial Custody for 7 days and Disbarment for 2 months.

and the High court erupted.
there were many many male lawyers who were outraged at the fact that a lady lawyer had slapped a man in court. several others refused to let a member of the Bar be sent to Jail.
To their credit, there were many more lawyers who felt that the man in question had been sent off lightly after he had compromised the dignity of the Court,

but as of Five PM, the order sending this man to jail had not been passed. There was an active lobby trying to ensure that he didn't go to jail, and there were people questioning the credentials of the Lady in question and dismissing her complaint as false... The Chief Justice was trying to create a compromise wherein the man tendered an apology and the Jail sentence could be dismissed.

Worse still, elements of regionalism, sexism and communalism had crept in to the discussion.
the Man belongs to Bihar- The woman shouldn't have slapped him

Is THAT what is more important than the fact that a so called officer or the court had seriously misbehaved with a Lady officer of the Court?

A woman has been molested and humiliated in front of colleagues, clients and court officials. And there are people protesting against punishing the Man responsible!
what message does that send out to the men of this country? do whatever you want and just say sorry, all will be forgiven?? or that if you're aggressive enough and shout enough we'll make sure the women shut up and not say a word when you molest them?

EDITED TO ADD------------------------

The advocate concerned was finally sent to Judicial custody for 7 days and disbarred for 2 months.

Most Humbly Prayeth

2012-01-12T17:23:00.001+05:30

Today in Court, for the first time in my life, i find myself wondering just what kind of people pass the Bar and get to positions of responsibility and respectability.. The petition by Google and Facebook etc against the Government is being heard in the Delhi High Court and from today's discussion it seemed rather like some of the court officers were either HIGH or had never in their lives used the Internet.

sample this...

Counsel: your lordship if the state can only tell us where the offending material is available we will make efforts to remove that material"
His Honour: very well counsel, the offending photograph is available on &$^%&.com.
Counsel: your lordship this is merely the name of the website. that is like telling us the picture is in Delhi. If your lordship may be kind enough to tell us the URL we will take steps to block that URL
Opposing counsel: lordship when we give them the website they tell us its not sufficient. what is a URL??? will they only take some steps if some offending pictures of their own family members will pop up on the internet?? we have told them the name of the website, now they should block it!
Every one in Court: huh????????????????????????????????
His Honour: Mr Counsel you must show this Court that you are serious about taking care of offensive content otherwise we will have to become like China and block everything!
Someone in Court: WTF just happened dude!..................

seriously, have these people NEVER used the internet????????

DISCLAIMER: there are almost verbatim transcript of the last few minutes of conversation in the courtroom today.. I most Humbly pray that His Lordship excuse my young self and forbear to sentence me for contempt of court since I found myself unable to stop myself from expressing myself under my constitutionally granted freedom of speech and have nowhere made any remarks which are offensive or disparaging of this court's dignity. (the opening sentences were inserted by google.. I SWEAR!)

The petition hearings are in open court and i'm just waiting to see what the newspapers write tomorrow about this thing after the beautiful proceedings today.

Insomnia.... ;)

2012-01-11T01:09:00.000+05:30

there are days when i can't sleep without hearing your voice... there are days when i fall asleep listening to you talk.. and there are days like today when i'm awake half the night and you're out like a light and i really really wanna wake you and have you talk me to sleep but i can't..
i just wish my insomnia didn't act up so much....

.........................................................

i watched a whole bunch of random movies today... courtesy of a fever and cold that kept me home from work... i REALLY should concentrate more on work...

so as everyone with a brain had predicted, the lokpal bill is back to gathering dust...

2012-01-09T22:48:00.000+05:30

i haven't written anything on the blog in a very long time.. i havn't even had an opportunity to read the blogs i follow for a while.. blame it all on my technological ignorance because somehow i'd managed to halt my laptop's ability to function...

anyway,

There have been many many things i should've written about..

As predicted, the lokpal bill is back on the backburner while politicians who pretended to favour the bill have hidden behind issues of caste and representation and 'fairness' ... though i find myself absolutely unable to understand why the question of reservation in a body like this ever came up.. the criteria should be whether the person has any allegations of corruption against them, and have a certain level of education.. and the backbone to stand up and tell powerful people that they are on to them... but what do i know of politics and policy, i'm just a humble student...

The comments made by some "people in power" about what a girl should wear to avoid rape were true gems... now if they could just explain why i'm still getting whistled at when in a salwar kameez and shawl and coat with even my hair covered up because the Delhi winters are murderously cold... i would supposed i "invited" the eve teasing were i strutting around in an LBD, but why would these "decent men" be "enticed" by someone who looks like a bear????

the new year has come in and we're all waiting to see if 2012 will actually be the end of the world.. i'm sorta hoping it will because my parents are getting increasingly agitated about my marriage and once i'm done studying i won't have an excuse to stop them from "atleast looking for a suitable boy"... so here's hoping the Mayans were right.. but considering they also thought that people were made of corn i'm not so sure my prayers will get answered... plus the Hindu calendar never ends and being an Indian i'm gonna have to believe that one...

forgive my lack of sunshine and roses... January 2012 has been a bang up month so far...and to top it all off Sachin never got that 100th ton...

i think i'll stay in bed and watch movies till the apocalypse.. oh wait.........

touche pussycat!

2011-12-22T22:31:00.001+05:30

so they've now decided that reservation is required even in the Lokpal institution.. brilliant move i must say.. its the perfect way to ensure that the discussion on corruption and black money will get sidetracked into the the opportunity vs merit drama of a reservation policy debate..

as it is, pranab babu's lecture in parliament today sounded more like a 'f*** you' to the protesting public rather than an introduction to or comment about the lokpal bill.. "the parliament is supreme and all authority to legislate rests with parliament!"
sure it does.. and we would appreciate it if you lot got off your asses and actually did some work for a change.

i've been dreaming of a true love's kiss

2011-12-04T02:06:00.001+05:30

true love conquers all.. so they say

what does anyone know about these things anyway

we're all ultimately drowning in the ocean of our own pain and insecurities, wishing for something to hang on to..

i guess ;love conquers all' makes a good hypothetical lifeline...

blurry images

2011-11-26T16:13:00.001+05:30

I'm usually the hiding behind a book rather than speaking out.. i sometimes leave my phone aside and not call/text friends for several days just because i feel like disappearing into a book or the TV or just bask in the sun by myself..

but sometimes i feel this strange emptiness... like something vital is missing.. like there's a part of me that has gotten lost...

outrage v privacy... that's the question

2011-11-21T22:37:00.001+05:30

to which i must find a satisfactory answer...

to say something in public that affects privacy

to not say something for the sake of privacy even though you're bursting to register your opinion...

choices choices choices..........

...............................................................................................................

on an unrelated note... owl is now MARRIED!!!!!!!!! meri bhabhi ghar aa gayi :)

do you know what day it is today???

2011-11-02T18:12:00.003+05:30

They’ve started to come more often.. encircling me, flying around my little hideout and threatening to tear away my very existence.. I fight against them every single time.. cowering farther into the caves, fighting desperately to get out…

it’s the dark that is slowly creeping up from both sides.. it hems me in as I fight it, it creeps from inside the caves I shelter in… and light seems far away.. I see glimpses of stars in the night before they swoop in again, blacking out the stars.. sucking away warmth and happiness from my world… I’d read about creatures like those in a different lifetime.. Dementors.. who take away everything leaving only an empty shell behind… everything, including one’s soul.. I just hope I have a soul left to fight for…

Happy Diwali to everyone!!!!!!

2011-10-25T19:46:00.002+05:30

diwali meant:

crackers bought a week beforehand and hidden in a cupboard to be given to me a day or two before diwali
kaju ki burfi, and a small box of plain burfi just for me
family gatherings
warnings to not get too close to the crackers
laughter and a resigned 'humne bhi aise hi kiya hai" when i proudly said i wanted bombs and not childish phuljharis and anars...

diwali isn't the same without you babaji...

Jaa Chudail

2011-10-24T19:15:00.000+05:30

i've always hated people who indulge in personal politics.. people who would just for the heck of it make up stories to trouble others, to get out of doing work or to simply make themselves look or feel better.. i'm not gonna take some holier than thou road and say that i hate them coz they lie.. but because they actively hurt other people by making up things when things would have been just fine without them havong to have said anything whatsoever

another kind of people i really have trouble handling is people who never ever listen to anything anyone has to say.. who are such hypocrites that they go back on the sentence they speak the moment it leaves their mouth coz their ego can't take it..

unfortunately i've had to deal with both such people just today.

this is for both of you.. may you live long and realise what kind of people you are....

to march or not to march

2011-10-19T22:16:00.000+05:30

Delhi university has a large number of people heavily into student politics and whenever there is a hot potato issue in National politics, one can be sure there will be some tamasha or the other happening in the university as well..

There is a Save Irom Sharmila Karavan' from Srinagar to Imphal currently travelling through Delhi and some people involved in that protest came to Delhi University.

Here they met a few people who objected to their slogan of 'End the AFSPA' and a louly shouting match ensued... with the Delhi police playing referee and keeping the two 'peaceful' groups from beating each other up

"desh hamare Raam ka, nahin kisi ke kaam ka!" vs "desh ke gaddaron ko, joote maaro saalo ko!"

soon there were more policemen than protesters around..

i stopped for a few mins to ask what was going on, and fell into a discussion with one of the organisers about the protest and its aims. While the pamphlets they were distributing focused solely ob Irom Sharmila and the atrocities that have occurred because of the misuse of the AFSPA, the posters, slogans etc were all about repealing the Act.

This again is a burning issue that i don't know how to take a stand on.

while people may label me a fascist, i understand why such wide powers of use of force and arrest are needed in an area where any harmless looking child may be carrying a bomb. but it is also a fact that such laws are used more to harass innocent civilians than what they are actually intended for.

As a student of law i can't ignore the fact that such wide discretionary powers are an affront to our constitution. but i also know that such laws are necessary to protect the country and actually to protect teh very people they end up harming.

Yes there are horrific stories of misuse.. but is anyone capable of imagining what the situation would've been like had our soldiers, who give up everything to stand up and protect us, had to deal with administrative red tape every time there was an emergency? what would happen if the soldier on the ground had to wait for instructions from a civilian who was safely ensconced in an office and making decisions about how to 'handle a situation'?

its a brutal world that they live in. the soldiers AND the civilians who have to survive under teh shadow of guns.

my painting

2011-10-12T21:18:00.000+05:30

It’s the most magical place you would ever see..full of books and flowers and mirrors and light.. of stories of beautifulprincesses and their handsome princes and happily ever afters.. its gotpictures of puppies and babies and all the pretty things you can imagine… itseven got a beautiful wall made of glass.. a wall size mirror before which Ipreen and pretend to be the queen of my world..

It is my kingdom…

and its besieged by monsters…

it is the mirror behind which they sit.. watching me,watching everything I do, I can never see the but I know they’re there.. talkingamong themselves but never talking to me..

oh they think they're being nice to me..

they send me food and clothes and new clothes and other prettythings,

they don’t think I know where I am…

but I do

I remember all of it.. from before

I remember the knife that I twisted and watched thecolour spread slowly across his body.. and then the floor

I remember the little fountain that burst out when Itook it out from his chest

I remember being fascinated by the glistening red

and the way it felt on my fingers when I started topaint

I painted the walls with flowers and clouds and aheart

it was the most perfect heart ever.. perfect and redand gleaming

it was my most beautiful painting

but then I had to come live in this room

it has everything I could ever ask for

but the only people I ever see are the ones that aren’treally there

they never speak to me

they don’t touch me

and that’s when I want to run away from the mirroredroom and hide

I hate them..

they don’t let me paint….

two roads diverged in a yellow wood.......

2011-10-11T00:37:00.001+05:30

journalism. law. journalism. law. journalism. law....
i have less than six months to decide..

i have pros and cons lists
i have opinions of friends
i have inputs from parents...

and i cannot make up my freakin mind!!!!!
maybe.. as someone told me recently.. careermaking is as much by chance as by choice.

lost. found. lost

2011-10-06T01:17:00.002+05:30

I see you
that mirage
the passing shadow whose source I cannot find

I know you
know not from where
but every beat of my heart recognizes your footsteps

I can feel you
the whisper in the wind,
the tentative touch that I can’t ignore

I can hear you
in songs, stories, dreams, all my life, but have I ever even met you?

I wait
for the day I catch up to the rushing mirage
for the day the breath of a whisper turns to words
for the day I find you
and myself

again

and it is just fitting that my 260th post in the sixth year of my blog is about you guys.. :)

2011-10-06T00:16:00.002+05:30

I've wanted to see the festivities at Durga Puja in a 'real' Bengali setting for a while now... i have seen the 'car'zy crowded gala that is the 'visarjan' at the Yamuna's ghat once.. preceded by the last couple of minutes of dancing and 'gulaal' throwing and stuff at the Kalibari in central Delhi, arguably one of the biggest in Delhi... I have even seen the huuuuge pandals and crowds of the CR park Pujos... but that was all assignment for work.. THIS year, (and i'm still keeping my fingers crossed that i actually get it) i'm gonna be attending the pre- visarjan festivities WITH FRIENDS!!!

so tinni, sap, sasthi, shippy... here's hoping the morning's plan works out :)
and i want some niiiice food!!

Shubho Vijayadashami!!! (hope i spelt it right)
n Happy Dusssehra!!!!!!!!!!

hope you all have great fun

consent, sexual abuse and "love"... how does one judge?

2011-10-04T14:38:00.001+05:30

so a senior of mine sent me a mail about a discussion regarding this Article in the Times of India..
I invite all to comment.

the text of the article is this:

‘Love not crime’, teen’s lover freed

TIMES NEWS NETWORK

New Delhi: “The act of falling in love cannot be punished in the way other criminals are punished”. With this observation, a trial court acquitted a 22-year-old on charges of raping his 15-year-old girlfriend, although it held him guilty of kidnapping as he had not taken the consent of her parents. The girl went missing on April 1, 2010, on which her father lodged a complaint that she had been kidnapped. She, however, returned home after a week. The teenager told the court that she had gone on an “outing” to Haridwar with her lover of her own will. The court also noted that the relationship between the two was later approved by both families. Convicting Sanjay, a resident of Jahangirpuri, on charges of kidnapping, additional sessions judge Anju Bajaj Chandna sentenced him to three months in jail, but the term was set aside against the imprisonment he had already undergone during trial. “It is clear that emotion of love and affection compelled the convict to take this step wherein he failed to acknowledge the presence and sanctity of consent of the parents of the girl,” the court said.

“Sanjay is a young man and is in the process of making his career and future. In my opinion, no purpose would be served by sending him behind bars where he would be living in the company of hardened criminals.”

The judge added that the three months which Sanjay spent in jail was sufficient to teach him a

The judge added that the three months which Sanjay spent in jail was sufficient to teach him a “Sanjay is a young man and is in the process of making his career and future. In my opinion, no purpose would be served by sending him behind bars where he would be living in the company of hardened criminals.” The judge added that the three months which Sanjay spent in jail was sufficient to teach him a lesson.

The prosecution alleged that said that the girl returned home on April 8, 2010, when a case was registered against Sanjay that he had kidnapped her and raped her.

The girl, however, told the court that she had gone to Haridwar with Sanjay for an outing on her own free will. The court refused to accept Sanjay's submission that he had not forced the girl to accompany him, saying the minor's consent was not valid. “I am of the opinion that even if no force has been used, the offence of kidnapping would be made out,” the judge said. The prosecution alleged that said that the girl returned home on April 8, 2010, when a case was registered against Sanjay that he had kidnapped her and raped her. The girl, however, told the court that she had gone to Haridwar with Sanjay for an outing on her own free will. The court refused to accept Sanjay's submission that he had not forced the girl to accompany him, saying the minor's consent was not valid. “I am of the opinion that even if no force has been used, the offence of kidnapping would be made out,” the judge said.

and the text of the mail was this:

This article appeared in Times of India, Pune edition on 26th Sep, 2011? Under IPC section 375, this should be a case of child sexual abuse because the girl is 15 years old and the abuser is 22 years old. Do you think this is a justified exception since age of consent is an artificial delineation and ignores the reality that younger adolescents may also be indulging in sexual activities? Do you think the judge is being humane in not criminalizing a consensual romantic relationship since the girl has declared her consent to the sexual relationship?
Is this a dangerous precedent? Does it leave too much to the discretion of the judge? Will it lead to failure of the law to protect young children from sexual abuse? We think the article raises a lot of tricky questions related to child protection and law.

My reply to this email was the following

If i may put forward my views..
yes, decriminalising consensual sex is the need of the hour. adolescents today are much more aware of their minds and bodies and are exposed to a lot of inputs from all over the word. However, we will be missing a very essential point if we only take into account the fact that the girl says that she gave consent out of 'love'. further, what this question here is doing is assuming that "love" essentially involves sexual relations.

while i agree with sir (a previous email from another lawyer that said that consent is important because children are often punished under such laws) that "love is a delicate and soft emotion", it is, at the end an Emotion which is very transient and can easily be confused with infatuation or plain pressure.

I personally know of situations where school and college students feel the need to consummate their "love" because of peer pressure... "you will say yes if you love me" is a much used line and not just in movies.. friends, movies etc a encourage exploration of sexuality. I can't take a national perspective but in elite schools of Delhi, losing one's virginity before leaving school is rapidly becoming a way of adding to one's "coolness". it gets even worse in colleges where being "single' is an invitation for taunts.

moreover, for someone as young as 15, there is ample scope for confusion between "love" and hormones... at that age, 'love' usually is a overdose of hormones.

the problem is of how one defines consent... and how one judges whether the person concerned is capable of giving consent..
as for the case that was mentioned in the email, i find it impossible to believe that the 22 year old in question did not know the age of the girl he was supposedly in "love" with. Nor do i believe that this 22 year old could not have waited for the girl to be a little more mature if he really "loved" her.
the sole reason why society governs sexual relationships is because society as a whole has to bear the burden if this "love" results in the production of a child/transmission of STDs/ mental or physical abuse of the girl or boy. we are running nationwide campaigns asking parents to not get their daughters married before age 18. one major point in the campaign is that she is NOT physically ready for sexual relations or childbearing. why then are we assuming that a teenager will be aware of safe sex practices or will in a situation where they think they're "in love" even stop to think of the consequences of their actions???

a 15 year old is a class 10 student. when the education system has been made easier and external examinations done away with on the premise that these children are "unable to handle the pressure", HOW does one imagine they can handle the pressure of a relationship??

Sure, two 15 year old having consensual sex should not be punished because neither of them really know better.. but a 22 year old, asking a 15 year old for sex in a "romantic relationship"???? i fail to agree that "consent" was there in such a relationship. If one of the partners was old enough to know better, they deserve to be punished for breaking the law..
I agree that consensual sex should not be punished... But i fail to read "consent" in a relationship that is as unequal as the one described in this case.

a child is but clay.. life molds him any which way

2011-10-02T01:37:00.001+05:30

I have been volunteering with the Juvenile Justice board's legal aid cell this past week and for the next couple of weeks.. and each day as i read more files, interact with more children, hear more of their stories and see the despair/defiance in their eyes, i come home wondering about the future of these children.. because they ARE children... 10-12 year old boys working with pickpocket gangs, 15 year olds convicted of rape, attempted murder, robbery...
and all because no one taught them better... these are children of parents who barely have time or energy to look after the child's mental and emotional welfare after working all day to ensure that there is food on the table.. most of them drop out of schools which are little more than overcrowded rooms with minimal teaching facilities.. they get introduced to substances like correction fluid, smack, ganja etc by adults/ other children who then gradually lead them to a life of crime.. t starts with petty thefts to feed the drug habit, and then graduates into grievous crimes including robbery and murder...

The law says that these children have to be treated not as criminals but as children who have lost their way.. "Juveniles in conflict with Law". there is an entire statute, the Juvenile Justice (care &protection) Act 2000 to ensure their safety and rehabilitation.. there is an elaborate system that has been envisaged on paper, that people are trying o bring into existence slowly.. legal aid, education, skill training etc are given to these children free of cost..
and yet the atmosphere in the Juvenile Justice Board room is that these children must have done something wrong coz they just belong to that kind of background.. i met a mother in the last few days who refused to take her child back from the observation home because she couldn't deal with his addiction or his constant clashes with the law.. i've seen a father ask the board to keep his son in the children's home in the hope taht his child will learn something good from the experience.. I've seen a little boy who barely look s10 years old be charged with theft, keeping stolen goods, and causing hurt with dangerous weapon... all this while the child in question stands around sullen or bewildered about what is happening

these children don't get security of a caring family, or education, or even protective friends..
thats why they take drugs and alcohol and indulge in antisocial and illegal activities.. i recently met a 15 year old drug and alcohol addict who had cut gashes on his entire arm with a blade to help him get a better high while drinking.. his father is an alcoholic and his mother passed away years ago.. he is now completely addicted coz there is no one to see him at home and there is no negative reinforcement of his criminal behaviour outside of the court..

i wonder how different this boy's life would have been had both parents been there to help him and had actually given him a straight path....

Insomnia

2011-09-29T01:53:00.002+05:30

I dreamed of you last night
of promises made, and broken
of tears and lashing guilt
of a past that would never go away

i dreamed
of second chances given hundred times
of pain suffocated laughter
of unbridgeable chasms

of nightmares running in circles
of monsters chased
of cuts that throbbed
and pain that stayed

i dreamed
of a mirror i couldn't meet
of things unsayable

i dreamed of you last night
and in my dream
we came awake......

take a walk at dusk and this is the worst that can happen...

2011-09-27T20:06:00.001+05:30

i have to leave this place
the walls, the stones, the trees, all so achingly familiar and just as painfully a trap.. this is where i'm left every single night after the day is done.. after the work is over, its time for everyone to go home and for me to return to this beautiful cage where memories live

some say i'm crazy to want to leave... its the most beautiful place.. full of magic, softness, stillness, memories... a place where i belong...
and yet it is the place i feel the most alone.. where things are always as they "were".. there's no 'are' or 'will be'

go back to your roots, find what makes you happy

2011-09-26T21:53:00.000+05:30

it hit me yesterday while walking down that familiar, seldom used road.. how much i've left behind, how much of ME i've lost... strains of melodies on the wind tug me back to a happier person and a calmer life which went away with childhood games..

you were right... once you know what it is that you're missing you miss it all the more.. when you don't know quite what it is, atleast that aching emptiness is still formless and vague.. it can easily be put away for more important things.. knowing what is wrong makes you restless till you can actually have what you're missing.

we have got to have those songs back in our lives...

jo bhi chaahe tu woh ban jaave

2011-09-18T11:46:00.000+05:30

so i finally heard this song today... and these lyrics have made me fall in love with it!!

Tu hawa paani, aag hai
tu daga daani daag hai
jo bhi chaahe tu woh ban jaave re..

hai bana mera dil khuda
hai khuda kab mujhse juda
khud ko dhoonde to usko paave re

the video is a bit weird coz katrina kaif does not look comfortable on the stage or with a guitar but i love her makeup and the overall look..
guess i will go watch this move after all.. if only for the music and sheer silliness of it... i need a funny movie to watch

Break up season?

2011-09-17T01:53:00.000+05:30

“we’re just notcompatible”, “we fight so much, how can we work things out”, “this is not goingto work out ya.. we have got to break up”

I’m hearing thesesentences with alarming regularity these days… is it Break up season???

Somehow I’m playingagony aunt to people I never thought I would be having heartfelt conversationswith… a friend’s girlfriend called me to tell me why they broke up and why it’sthe best plan. A very close friend is trying to get rid of a guy who is rapidlyturning into a stereotypical “crazy ex”... my favorite couple seem to be undermajor strains, and other assorted couples I know are not exactly as happy happyjoy joy as I’m used to seeing them.. Couplesall around seem to be having a hard time…

And for a change thesedays the AB and I have actually been having rational, grownup conversations…sure the rationality also told us that being a couple was the worst idea everbut atleast we did it after a hug and a sane conversation instead of a shoutingmatch like all the other times we’ve gone down this road…

Seriously… is itbreakup season??

I thought the monsoonswere supposed to be this awesomely romantic time n all that jazz.. the longwalks in the rain, the tea and conversation while the water pours against the windows,the long drives, cuddling up against the thunder and lightning… I know movieromances don’t really translate to reality but this is getting ridiculous…

Maybe its so messed up coz we're all trying to find happily ever afters outside of disney movies.. :(

Divide and conquer- how the LOKPAL BILL will soon be lost

2011-08-24T21:50:00.000+05:30

So politics has now begun with full force to ensure obfuscation of issues regarding the lokpal bill. Powerful, influential people have come up to poke holes in the Anna hazare led movement for a lokpal bill by resurrecting old bogies and trying to discredit the demand by criticizing the manner in which it is being made.

At the outset, I must confess that I do not agree with a lot of provisions of the ‘Jan lokpal’ bill. It is impractical, and frankly envisages an extra-constitutional body that will eliminate the separation of powers doctrine enshrined in our constitution. If we come to practical reasons, investing such great power on a body will require people who understand the whole ballyhoo about great power and great responsibility and we don’t really have any old folks around here with Spiderman or Superman’s sense of morality. The absolute power that ‘Team Anna’ wants to give will, corrupt the persons vested with it.

However, it’s not that old chestnut I’m trying to discuss. Its the fact that now three groups have put forward three bills and a fourth hat will get thrown into the ring tomorrow.

According to NDTV’s 9 ‘o clock news yesterday, a Dalit leader Mr. Udit Raj has said that since there are no Dalits in the upper echelons of team Anna, and indeed some of the team members are anti- reservationists, it is not possible that Dalit needs will be met by the proposed bill. It is therefore incumbent upon the backward classes to put forward their own version titled the ‘Bahujan Lokpal Bill’, which was to be released today at a rally for the SC/ST/OBC people of the country. I must admit that its nearly 8 pm now and I haven’t heard a word on the news about this particular bill so far.

A couple of days ago a ‘Muslim Leader’ came on TV and claimed that since Anna had been supported by the RSS at some point , Muslims in the country could not possible benefit from anything that he or his team propose.

The ‘Civil Society’ leaders such as Aruna Roy and others have already criticized the bill for its impracticality and unconstitutionality.

It is this political ploy that has me worried about the future of this sudden mass movement. Once these old ghosts come charging into the public psyche, the larger issue of corruption will fade into the background and the parliament and people will happily go back to squabbling about the representation of backward classes and minorities in the lokpal bill. It is the greatest weapon in the armory of the political class. These ghosts are what have denied the passing of the Women’s reservation bill in the parliament all these years because the ‘minority’ and ‘Backward’ concerns apparently get threatened by reservation for women. Now it seems that the lack of a ‘Dalit’ or a ‘Muslim’ leader in the team behind the India against Corruption campaign is going to derail the entire dialogue and make sure that politicians have a convenient excuse to hide behind and delay presentation and discussion of the bill. What I fail to understand is how any community can consider that an anti – corruption bill is potentially harmful to the interests of any community. And why are our people so intensely hardwired to prioritize communal considerations that a universal issue like corruption is getting sidelined by the questions of community representation.

It’s ironic really that today is also the first time that I’ve heard a member of team Anna admit that the parliament “ofcourse” is entitled to discuss, amend and change the proposed bill and finally might just pass a different act altogether. Swami Agnivesh in an interview to NDTV today finally admitted that it is not that they want the bill as proposed to get passed, they want the Jan Lokpal Bill to be tabled, discussed, amended if needed and then an Act passed by the end of August. It’s the first time they haven’t stubbornly said that the Jan lokpal bill must be made into an act as it is.

sang along after a very long time...

2011-08-19T23:19:00.002+05:30

In the arms of the angel- Sarah McLachlan

Spend all your time waiting for that second chance
For the break that will make it ok
There's always some reason to feel not good enough?
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction, oh beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
They may be empty and weightless, and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an Angel, fly away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here

So tired of the straight line, and everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
The storm keeps on twisting, you keep on building the lies
That you make up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference, escaping one last time
It's easier to believe
In this sweet madness, oh this glorious sadness
That brings me to my knees

In the arms of an Angel, far away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
In the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here

just because i felt like writing something

2011-08-15T22:18:00.000+05:30

it was dark.. the corridor looming endlessly.. the pillars cutting a deeper shadow into the black of the night, the faint traces of moonlight whispering against the shadows

college at night when there's no electricity is a scary place.. i actually avoided walking through main corr during my walk coz i couldn't face it..

i really do need to get over this stupid fear of the dark..

2011-08-15T21:22:00.001+05:30

go back to your roots, your childhood.. solution hamesha milega..

you'll find what makes you happy.

i meant to write about this the day it was said to me.. about how i tend to lose touch with who i am and what makes me happy in the search for that elusive 'happiness'. how i let myself get lost in a blue funk that nothing seems to have the power to release me from.. then i lost track of the fact that i had meant to write this down. if only to remind myself that there are things that do make me happy.. and talking to friends is always one of them..

its weeks late i suppose, this post.. friendship day is supposed to be the first Sunday of august..today is our independence day and i should really be writing something less self absorbed and more patriotic.. this post was meant to be written then.. but these words were said to me recently, and i've been battling a rather weird writer's block.. can't seem to be able to string together three words without tripping over one of them.. more of a communication breakdown really i suppose coz its not limited to the written word...

anyway.. better late than never i suppose...
to my friends who've stood near through it all..
YOU are my roots, the people who make me happy
i love you.. and i thank god everyday (or everyday that i think about this) that you're in my life..
salut

please check this out

2011-07-11T23:51:00.001+05:30

SaveLIFE Foundation (SLF) is a non-profit, non-governmental organisation focused on enablingBystander Care, the immediate care that Police and public can provide emergency victims, especially those of road accidents, to enhance their chances of survival. This becomes critical when you consider that India does not have a well-established Emergency Medical Services (EMS) system to bring pre-hospital care to victims, lack of which leads to thousands of deaths by the road side every year and gives India the dubious distinction of being world number one in road accident deaths. Even in a scenario where the country may get an EMS system some day, Bystander Care will continue to play a key role in saving lives given the massive traffic congestion across most of our cities, which will hinder quick movement of EMS vehicles.

Over the past 2 years, SaveLIFE has trained over 2500 Police first-responders in Delhi leading to a significant enhancement in survival rate of accident victims due to administration of basic emergency care to victims. Our immediate goal is to establish a community based and community driven emergency response service that will see over 8000 public volunteers in Delhi being trained in Basic Trauma Life Support skills and connected through a dedicated call centre so that they can be mobilized as first-responders in the event of a medical emergency, especially road accidents.

SLF is registered as a public charitable trust under Sections 12AA & 80G of the Income Tax Act, 1961.

http://www.facebook.com/savelifefoundation

http://www.savelifefoundation.org/

girls shouldn't be allowed to have love marriages under age 21?????

2011-06-09T02:20:00.000+05:30

apparently thats what a bench of the Karnataka high court thinks.. the 2 judge bench actually recommended that the parliament might consider looking into amending the Hindu marriage act to ensure that girls under 21 can't have love marriages!

“ In our opinion, the girls below the age of 21 years are not capable of forming a rational judgment as to the suitability of the boy, with whom they are in love. It is relevant to mention that those girls, who are suffering from hormonal imbalance easily fall prey to the boys and fall in love, marry and repent at leisure,” the judges said in an order last month.

Justice K Bhakthavatsala and Justice K Govindarajulu stressed that the Parliament had not taken into account love marriages when the Bill was introduced. “ Since the Hindu Marriage Act does not deal with love marriages, in our view, it is high time that the Parliament take note of the sufferings of such girls and their parents and amend the law suitably,” the judges said.

They suggested that run- away marriages of girls under 21 be declared void or voidable.

as a student of law, i'm in shock..
1)a HIGH COURT bench is recommending that the parliament consider restricting the right of an adult to choose their life?? even while allowing parent/guardian/community to force a girl under age 21 to marry someone "arranged" for her? the high court seems to have forgotten that a consenting adult is capable of contract and the law cannot interfere in such contracts except in rare cases.
2). the HIndu marriage act does not at any point define who is allowed to arrange the wedding.. all it says is that "marriage" must be duly solemnised according to ritual. Nowhere in its 29 sections does the act mention anything about "love" or "arranged" marriage. all it requires is that two adult hindus solemnise the marriage according to the rituals and customs of either party. i fail to see on what basis the court has found it self capable of making such a ridiculous recommendation for legislative change..
3) it ominously highlights the fact that even our higer judiciary is still caught in the patriarchial framework where a girl is a "possession" to be carefully tended and handed over..

what i fail to understand is that how the same judiciary who allows rapists and molesters to roam free, suddenly develops such moral principles of control when the girl decides to take matters into her own hands rahter than be made into a victim.. if u really want to recommend changes, how about a change in the definitions of bigamy, maintenence provisions for estranged/abused women, rape laws, punishments for assault...?? out of the thousands of legislatons floating around in this country, what on earth made the court take notice of the humble little HMA??

background scores to life..

2011-06-08T01:03:00.000+05:30

Santana- Just feel better..

I know, I know, I know
Part of me says let it go
Everything must have a season
Round and round it goes

And every day's the one before
But this time, this time

I'm gonna try anything that just feels better
Tell me what to do
You know I can't see through the haze around me
And I do anything to just feel better

I can't find my way
God I need a change
And I'd do anything to just feel better
Any little thing that just feel better

I'm tired of holding on
To all the things I ought to leave behind, yeah
It's really getting old, and
I think I need a little help this time

.................................

bah humbug!

2011-06-03T00:42:00.000+05:30

call me grinch if you will.. but friends who are in serious relationships are no fun at all.. they always have their own thing going, or are distracted with their phones the whole time, or ditch you to spend extra time with their partner, and make you feel like a heel for asking them to ditch the partner and hang out for a bit with you instead..
:P

Women, jails and kanimozhi

2011-05-25T22:14:00.000+05:30

So the media and politicians have suddenly discovered that the conditions in Indian prisons are appalling and it is not safe or comfortable for women to be in jail.. all because Tamil nadu’s little princess Kanhimozhi is currently residing in Tihar jail. Not counting the fact that she is in one of the high security ‘VIP’ areas of the jail and protected from the slightest bit of abuse or discomfort because of her high political connections, congress president Sonia Gandhi suddenly decided to declare that she is “worried” about kani’s safety in the prison…

I decided to skip the rest of the 9 ‘o clock news after 10 mins of listening to a rather nonsensical debate on NDTv abouy whether denial of bail to a woman for such a crime was a bad move on the court’s part.. politician Renuka Chowdhry, Sadia Dehlvi, activist Madhu Kishwar and senior advocate KTS Tulsi were the talking heads on the panel tonight.. thank god for the latter two because the comments made by the first two put me in serious danger of getting a heart attack due to sheer indignation..

Comments like “it’s not safe for women to be in jail”, “the court is obliged by law to give bail to women” and the gem of the lot “well there are other women in jail but they are there for more serious crimes, kanimozhi has only a charge of corruption against her”

What these people did not seem to get was that they are simply reinforcing the gender stereotypes by insisting that the sex of the accused should be more important than the crime committed.. The enormity of what kanimozhi is involved in was dismissed in the interest of faux- sympathy for jailed women..

even more annoying was the fact that they seemed entirely oblivious to the fact that there is no law that makes it compulsory or even obligatory for a court to release a woman on bail.. What S.437 of the CrPC states is simply that the court “may” direct that the person accused of a crime which is punishable by life imprisonment or death penalty be given bail if such a person is under age 16 or a woman or is sick or infirm.

There’s nothing in any law in the country that says that women cannot or should not be thrown in jail if they’ve done something to deserve it.. and the scam that kani is involved in is much more dangerous for india’s security than any murder or terrorist activity.

In 1973, justice Krishna Iyer had clearly said that the Supreme Court considered economic crimes to be detrimental to the security of the state, and a person accused of an economic crime did not deserve gentle treatment. (sure he said this in respect of probation given to a smuggler, but the essence of the sentiment remains the same)

Apart from the obvious legal issues I may have with the statements made on tv today, they indicate a deeper malaise. That is the depiction of women as frail creatures who need special protection and are too delicate to even be given the correct punishment of they commit crime. It’s this faux-protectionist attitude, smacking of chauvinism that really strikes a blow against the self esteem of every woman who has wanted to be taken seriously.

How is it that supposedly responsible and liberated politicians and social activists can proclaim on national television that women are too vulnerable to be punished? Renuka Chowdhury today brushed aside Madhu Kishwar’s comment about how more than one woman politician has undergone incarceration in the past. She even managed to keep a straight face as she claimed that Sadhvi Pragya, currently in jail for involvement in terrorist activities, was fair game because terrorism was a far more serious crime.

I said a rather loud thank you to Nidhi razdaan , the anchor, for pointing out the fact that sexist arguments to demand protection for a woman ultimately caused incalculable harm to women’s rights movements.

Ironically, she quoted another UPA ally Mamata Bannerjee who had proclaimed during one of her endless protests that she stood for the causes she espoused and demanding special treatment as a woman was an insult to her dignity.

I totally agree.

a walk to remember

2011-05-23T21:40:00.002+05:30

i adore this movie.
absolutely, completely.

and yes i know its a teenage version of a mills and boon with a preachy ending. thank you very much. i adore it anyway..
the story, the magic of finding who you really are and what you really want from life..

not least for the amazing soundtrack. its got sooo many from my favorite songs list.. :

learning to breathe.. switchfoot

its gonna be love

something about you...

dancing in the moonlight..

only hope .

cry- mandy moore

you- switchfoot

and the one song that i can listen to no matter what mood i'm in..

dare you to move..... switchfoot

this is probably the ONLY movie whose entire soundtrack i remember... including all the hindi movies i love to watch... i was asked a while ago if there was any band/soundtrack that i really loved... i can't believe i didnt remember this one right away... i watched this movie again today.. purely for the music, and realised that this right here was a soundtrack i'll still adore when i'm 80...

mi familia

2011-05-23T21:05:00.000+05:30

so my family's suddenly given me a huge shock by changing without me noticing it.. or to be fair, anticipating it.. not only are the brats grown up, owl engaged to be married, abby's hit the big three O, parents have become suddenly cool about me choosing career over even a conversation about marriage.. ati, anu and vrin, my younger sisters have grown up to the extent that i now no longer feel all 'elder- sibling-ey'.. and that all just happened all of a sudden...
anu got her 12th board results today.. 91.5 %.. and i've been jumpinng around the house with happiness and pride since chachu called in the morning with the news.. ati's finished with college and is trying to choose between postgrad or job.. vrin, who always did hold her own against me even when much younger, has bagged an awesome internship with an apparel and accessories manufacturer after creating jaw droppingly gorgeous stuff as part of her accessory design course..
i feel so boringly insignificant all of a sudden.. the entire family's at grandmom's rt now celebrating anu's result and i'm at home half heartedly preparing for the criminology exam tomorrow.. and i dont even have cool stuff to brag about anymore.. i've not done anything remotely exciting for a very very very long time now..
:( sighhh

ah well.. i'm just gonna look at this as MY influence that they're doing so well.. akhir mera aashirwad jo mila hai.. :)

Jenny kissed me

2011-05-21T21:35:00.002+05:30

so this was a poem we learnt in class 5 i think.. or maybe 6th... i remember this huge argument in class with Indu Yadav ma'am, our english teacher about whether Jenny was a cat or a woman.. compounded by the fact that our english book did not carry the poet's full name but carried it as Leigh Hunt, which to us sounded like a girl's name, and added to our confusion about what exactly 'jenny' here was..
and i loved this random sounding verse so much that i set it to a tune.. and proceeded to sing it for days together.. i have no idea why i suddenly thought of it now after so many years.. but suddenly the tune popped into my head and i HAD to look it up and post it..

Jenny Kissed me. - James Henry Leigh Hunt.
(here's what i found about it on the Wondering Minstrels blog)

Jenny kissed me when we met,

Jumping from the chair she sat in;

Time, you thief, who love to get

Sweets into your list, put that in!

Say I'm weary, say I'm sad,

Say that health and wealth have missed me,

Say I'm growing old, but add,

Jenny kissed me.

ah silly childhood memories :)

is it 2 am or 2 pm.. my brain can't quite make up its mind..

2011-05-18T02:19:00.000+05:30

i don't know what it was that compelled me to write or what it is now that my fingers hesitate to move.. it sometimes feels like the child-woman- storyteller inside of me has gone silent.. or has simply lost the voice i once had, or maybe just the words..
i found three stories that i had started to write... when i was still trying to write a romance novel.. overdose of mills n boon and far too much romance on my brain.. then i abandoned the stories just like i abandoned the fairytale dream they contained.. and all i'm left with now are a few sheets of paper, snatches of dreams put down in ink and photos of the places i wanted my storybook couple to live their romance in... i can't write..
i've been asked why i haven't finished them yet.. my reply is always the same.. its because whatever i write is a part of me.. i live my dreams in what i write.. and currently my dreams are in suspended animation.. i can't write..

........................................

the brats have taken to sleeping in my room these days.. the cooler is on here and i've split the double bed so that i have one half and they share the other half.. even at 15, with a hint of hair on their faces, and the childish features slowly disssloving into the harsher planes of adulthood.. they look so cute when they're asleep.. like my boys are still my boys.. as if they never grow up when they're asleep... though theire voices have broken and they're getting slimmer and taller and more grown up by the day.. they're in 10th now.. and so intent on proving the're all grown up.. sometimes i wish they could've stayed children forever..

........................................

"don't be afraid to express who you are and who you want to be"... you said to me at a time when all i wanted to be was a mother... and then i woke up from the dream and realised i was still a child myself..

I dont belong- Intervention

2011-04-24T02:33:00.001+05:30

so i heard a new song today.. amazingly by a band that a good friend is in.. ~~not that he recommended it to me or even told me about it~~.. (the cut out lines coz 2 mins after this blogpost went up i got several irate messages from said friend who swears taht he did tell me all about his band and i'm the one with the lousy memory.. here u go dude.. correction added)
its quite weird how many ppl i was good friends with or sang/competed with/against are now professionals and it does make me wonder what i've done with my life.. but this isn't about teh nostalgia or teh 'what may have been's.. this is about THIS song..

Sap fwded the link to their fb page and i totally fell in love with this song so decided to put it up here... and it does form the perfect background score to my life right now... as do the lyrics..

Intervention- I Dont belong here

I twist and turn as I lay on my bed

I knew this day wouldn’t end this great.
Something random in my mind
Feels like that something in me died.

These four walls closing up on me
Suffocate me; won’t let me breathe.

I don’t belong here
Trapped in my shell.
Wanna run and break free.
I don’t belong here
I see the light fade
There ain’t nothing here..nothing here for me.

I try to blend but I don’t fit in
I lust for love but I’m lost within.
A helping hand is all I need
A little push to make me believe that.

These four walls closing up on me
Suffocate me; won’t let me breathe.

I don’t belong here
Trapped in my shell.
Wanna run and break free.
I don’t belong here
I see the light fade
There ain’t nothing here..nothing here for me.

I took some time to figure out

I din’t go too far to turn around.

The man in the mirror has changed a lot

Just the same but with different thoughts

.

so a skirt is how you lift a game???

2011-04-19T22:40:00.001+05:30

the Badminton World federation today announced that it is now mandatory for female players to wear a skirt on the court, shorts may be worn underneath the skirt if the player so wants... she stupid sexism behind this rule, and the way it was discussed on NDTV's 9 'o Clock news prompted me to write and write strongly about this..
so NDTV called Jesse Randhawa, a former player and now a model to comment, and the statement she made is something i have a particular grouse against.. she actually said that women would be better players if they wore short skirts instead of long skirts on court. now SOMEONE please tell me just who IS it that wears an "ugly long skirt" while playing a competitive sport??? and how is it going to make anyone more somfortable if she's got to deal with flying skirts rather than the game?????

Top Indian players like Saina Nehwal and Jwala Gutta pretty much refused to give a straight comment.. Saina, who is currently ranked 3rd in teh world simply said that "tehy must have some important reason for making this rule and not just for glamourising the game", while Jwala made an even more outrageous statement than Jesse randhawa by saying "most players are pretty good looking so they will look good ina skirt" like.. is THAT the way to win games??
the anchor asked this question too.. isn't it good performance and medals earned in the games that have brought players into focus? whats the point of unnecessary dress codes?

isnt it a supremely sexist idea that players shouldnt be allowed to choose their own clothing for the sake of "attractive presentation".. why is there no dress code for the male players then?
and how sexist and lascivicious is the audience that they'll watch a game purely for teh sake of teh female players' legs when they wouldn't watch it for the quality of the game...

through the looking glass.. another world

2011-04-06T22:34:00.000+05:30

there's so much happenning in the country.. the sudden huge anti corruption movement, the census figures creating a hue and cry.. an anti-child sex abuse month, demolition of so called 'illegal colonies'and protests, tsunamis and radiation leakes, the amazing brouhaha over gandhiji's sexuality and India's scintillating world cup win...

and yet in my house the most important thing is my parents' 25th wedding anniversary next week..

its quite weird how personal events completely block important public concerns...

the voice, specially when speaking, is not my cup of tea.. but i adore the lyrics

2011-03-25T20:15:00.001+05:30

Queensryche- silent lucidity

Hush now don't you cry
Wipe away the teardrop from your eye
You're lying safe in bed

It was all a bad dream spinning in your head
Your mind tricked you to feel the pain
Of someone close to you leaving the game of life

So here it is another chance
Wide awake you face the day
Your dream is over or has it just begun

There's a place I like to hide
A doorway that I run through in the night
Relax child, you were there
But only didn't realize and you were scared

It's a place where you will learn
To face your fears retrace the years
And ride the whims of your mind
Commanding in another world

Suddenly you hear and see
This magic new dimension

I-will be watching over you

I-I'm gonna help you see it though

I-will protect you in the night

I-I'm smiling next to you in silent lucidity

If you open your mind for me
You won't rely on open eyes to see
The walls you build within come tumbling down
And a new world will begin
Living twice at once you learn
You're safe from pain in the dream domain

A soul set free to fly
A round trip journey in your head
Master of Illusion can you realize
Your dream's alive you can be the guide but

(I) will be watching over you

(I) I'm gonna help you see it though

(I) will protect you in the night

(I) I'm smiling next to you

there are so many interpretations to what the song is trying to really say.. about dreams, about someone being there, about taking control of your own life and your own mind.. about the I that this song is from.. but i adore it just for one verse..

If you open your mind for me

You won't rely on open eyes to see

The walls you build within come tumbling down

And a new world will begin

Thanks sap for introducing me to this song :)

Aruna and the right to die with Dignity

2011-03-08T01:05:00.001+05:30

The Supreme Court of India today gave a judgment today that is being hailed as a 'landmark'.. The judgment allows for passive Euthanasia i.e withholding medical treatment or food in extreme cases where a patient is in a 'Permanent Vegetative State'. Aruna Shanbaug, the victim in the case, was brutally sodomized and then strangled 37 years ago and has been in a 'vegetative state' since then. She cannot move or express herself or so much as swallow properly, she's been taken care of by the medical staff at a hospital in Bombay for all these years.

This is what the medical experts and the court have said about Aruna : (full text of judgment )

The court has given certain criteria to decide whether passive euthanasia may be allowed. that includes the opinion of the team of doctors tending to the patient as well as the opinion of a panel of doctors created by the high court of the state, the judgment also says that the relatives or next friends of the patient must file a plea for the approval of withdrawal of treatment with the High court before such an act can be undertaken.

the judgment has stirred a hornet's nest of debate, both legal and moral. the crux lies in the question whether anyone has the right to decide whether a person may live, and whether current medical standards can trump hope of future miracles.. also involved is the question whether this decision making power may be misused by unscrouplous relatives and easily bought doctors to deny treatment to people who wouldn't legitimately come within the ambit of 'permanent vegetative state' or a 'coma'.
most importantly, the judgment makes a clear distinction between brain death, coma and Permanent vegetative state.

while i'm in no position to make any kind of informed comment on the judgment itself, there are quite a lot of unnerving things about the entire euthanasia debate, least of all being, what would I do if faced with such a situation.. was talking to a friend who raised this question, and my head has been spinning ever since..
also a question is nagging me, through this whole moralistic posturing thats currently on tv, Pinky Virani, the author who wrote Aruna's biography and filed the plea for euthanasia made this comment "i would like everyone in this country to think about what they would want for themselves if they were in Aruna's situation."

at the end is one last nagging question... i was reading the wikipedia page about the case and what i read was that the man who brutally sodomised and strangled her was actually tried for assault and robbery and not for rape or unnatural sexual offence because the doctors of the hospital, and mind you this is the same hospital where she has been staying for the last 37 years, did not report the sexual assault to 'spare her shame'. i'm wondering if that is the reason the hospital authorities have continued to care for her all these years.. after all, she WAS assaulted while on duty in the hospital and was denied justice coz of the misplaced sense of 'honour' of the doctors..

i can't seem to actually WRITE anything about this case though i've been trying for hours.. there are so many dimensions to it.. i cannot decide whether i'm writing as a law student, or a medical layman, or as a woman or as a person who has watched loved ones waste away with disease and dealt with the aftermath...

i was asked this once.. how would you want to die? waste away in old age/disease or die with dignity /in a blaze of glory while still having all your faculties and strength..
i still don't know the answer i'd choose...

the hypocrisy of the written word

2011-03-04T00:53:00.000+05:30

so one would wonder why our petty personal problems seem so huge when the entire world is undergoing such an upheaval.. when ppl in egypt and iran and tunisia and libya are fighting for their right to live as citizens with basic political rights, and politicians in pakistan are getting shot for speaking against enforcement of misinterpreted fundamentalism, and the Indian state is reeling from scandal after scandal... we're stuck in our own petty dramas..
its strange really.. today i gave a chaiwalla a talking to for employing kids to wash glasses and stuff, and told the kids to go to the nearest available govt. school, and yet the discussion initiated among friends wasn't about the child labour, it was about the 'cute' guy i was standing around sipping chai with...

there are hundreds of things happening in the world that we seem to utterly ignore.. like a fly buzzing in teh background, a sound heard but ignored, brushed aside to accomodate the loud fanfare of the 'personal'.

was watching a report by Barkha Dutt on NDTV yesterday.. she's currently in Libya travelling through the country and sending reports about the conditions there.. and the report featured several young people who have taken over the functions of the border police and are guarding their towns and their people from the loyalist forces supporting gaddafi. Egypt was also driven largely by the young educated people protesting against the stagnant economy and oppressive political class. Tunisia saw the same demographic challenging a long entrenched government. its like a wave of rebellions.. and yes i use the word knowing full well that the rest of teh world is using teh term 'Revolution' for what is happening in these countries.. only time will tell if these uprisings will lead to concrete steps towards freedom and democracy or whether they woud lead to the creation of an even more opressive regime... however.. i digress.. my point essentially was that almost everyone i see around me here in Delhi lacks the kind of gut and drive and passion that is visible on the streets in these countries. we seem to be so busy in our own humdrum lives that the rampant corruption and shocking scandals involving every possible entity with power elicits at most a cynical 'This is India". makes me wonder where this country really is going.
ah well.. hopefully... teh world ends in 2012 and we wont need to worry about the 'future'.

falling like wickets at a bad cricket match...

2011-02-20T22:12:00.002+05:30

i meant to write a nice long post about current events and the news and life n stuff.. (specially since taht anonymous commentor wrote that one was expected from me) i swear i did.. but things are just so weird right now that i need to be all self absorbed and let this nonsense out instead.. I'm FREAKING out!!!
there is this sudden SPATE of weddings around me and seeing every single wicket fall my parents' muttering about my own impending doom are growing louder by the day... Owl's engagement was on friday night, and today my mama called with teh news that HIS son Vin too has declared his intention to marry his longtime girlfriend.. and seeing all and sundry relatives preparing has given my parents a panic attack, both about the 'age' bit (i'm only ^$$%#^&%%# 23 DAMNIT!!) and the fact that weddings these days are very very very expensive.. and whenever i laugh off their worries with a 'dont worry i'll elope and marry so u dont neeed to think about expenses", it does nothing but scare them even more coz hey.. they don't trust my choice.. not counting the fact that since i'm not seeing anyone, there isn't a possibility of me coming up with a 'suitable boy' anytime soon... and they're getting all jittery about the fact that i will be 24 when my law course finally finishes and have expressly forbidden them from mentioning the 'M' word with any seriousness to me till i turn 25.. and today dad came up with this.. "weddings are getting so expensive.. did u see what owl's parents and in-laws did for the engagement alone?"
deflated all my happiness and excitement about my bhai -ki -sagai i tell u... i'd been so happy before they sprung this conversation on me..

back back back back back

2011-02-15T08:52:00.001+05:30

so i went for a competition to kerala with rave n Sj.. and just got back this morning.. or last night.. whatever.. have tonnes and tonnes to write about.. frm my trip to the so called egyptian revolution and more.. but shall do so tomorrow i guess..
in other news.. i might begoing to watch Bryan Adams perform in Delhi tonight.. IF teh police lets teh concert happen!!!!!
though parents aren't happy that i'm making plans to go gallivanting off into teh night again right after coming back..but really.. BRYAN ADAMS!!

my daddy strongest!

2011-02-06T01:14:00.001+05:30

it makes for quite an interesting conversation when two people deliberately take sides that are opposite to their actual views.. poor dad has had to play devil's advocate coz i needed help in forming arguments for a moot court competition.. i'm seriously in awe of the man right now.. there was a point in the last few days when i felt like an absolute child again.. just listening to dad talking and thinking that papa knows absolutely everything in the world..
hopefully when i grow older and have kids of my own.. they will have such moments too.. :)

watering eyes....

2011-01-30T20:55:00.001+05:30

so i wrote a post two years ago when my cousin sister was to get married.. about the kind of clothes available in the markets these days.. today i return with the same rant.. its has gotten WORSE! my big brother is getting engaged in two weeks and my eyes are watering after two hours spent searching in vain for a sari to be given to bhabi as gift..
they've added GLITTER to the stones and even to the cloth! they showed us some concoction called the 'gajji silk' that is silk blended with some random shiny shit.. ruined the look of the cloth.. and NET.. can there please be a sari that does not have a ghastly net border? i want pure chiffon for heaven's sake..!

i might go blind with all that glitter.. WHO buys that shit anyway???????

to friendship

2011-01-28T23:37:00.002+05:30

i have been rather lucky as far as making friends is concerned so far.. i have managed to find people who see me as i am and accept me completely, warts and all.. i can be annoying, rude, hyper, condescending, egotistical and just plain crazy... but they stick by me, seeing something good in me throughout..
i'm in awe of you all.. of your loyalty and your patience..
thank you for continuing to be there through my crazy phases..

i hope i can do something worthy of the undying faith you have shown in me..

this is to ati, tinni, ansh, sap, N, rave and sj.. you guys have borne the brunt of my madness and yet never ever given up on me, never gotten angry or grown distant.. god alone knows how you put up with me..
Thank you..i love you very very much..

i just watched Dhobi Ghat. and i'm still recovering from the sheer beauty of it..

2011-01-22T22:51:00.001+05:30

There’s an incredibly familiar feel to the movie. This sense of being lost in time, in the middle of a room full to overflowing with people you know and people who know you.. and in the midst of that bustle there’s a sudden hush in your ears and you feel like you’re living someone else’s life, in someone else’s body, and you’re really all alone.. and then someone bumps into you and makes you feel real again...

Thats what i saw in the movie..

Its like a painting, the artist’s hand paints what his mind sees, your eyes see something different... i don’t know if that poignancy and that sense of belonging to nothing and everything was what they were trying to portray but that is what i saw.. the dialogues were amazing.. the opening sequence... the handheld videocamera captures the hidden girl’s voice and shows us the rain as she sees it.. the movement of the windshield wipers, the drops sliding down the windowpane.. its like the rain and the city itself IS a character in the movie, the cars on the road are a part of the story, not just props in the background.. the camera itself is not a mere tool, its the narrator, of yasmin’s story, capturing every nuance of expression... her makeup, her clothing, her entire demeanour changes subtly through the narrative, just like munna and arun change.. the only unchanged character is shai.. who is the one trying to unravel the story around her.. capturing places and people she would never meet in her own life, who welcomes everyone into her life with open arms.. she’s as comfortable inviting the dhobi in to talk to her as she is in a fashionable art event with the rich and famous.. her mannerism doesn’t change with anyone, she’s equally loving, naive, accepting and careless with everyone.. she is the one anomalous character in the entire movie full of real people.. but she is real in her very quirkiness.. she’s the NRI who doesn’t care about social classes and is equally happy eating pao bhaji in a fly-infested restaurant as she is at a posh nightclub..

The most incredible was the ending.. which is really not an ‘ending’ at all.. its a stage where people grow up, change, let go of things they held inside and take a step forward.. munna lets go of the crazy love he has, as does shai, arun finds his muse in the memoirs of a dead yasmin..

The pictures and the paintings involved in the movie are equally beautiful.. the series shai is shown to have done on the people.. portraits of everyday life so mundane taht you never see the beauty of the scene.. the crowd, the market, the wrinkles on the face of the rickshaw puller.. the yards and yards of clothes hung out to dry... ist a deeply visual film.. its everyday life seen with a hidden camera.. showing things that you would never otherwise notice.. the neighbour aunty packing food for her husband and kids, the surf on the sea.. the tired smile on the face of a dejected young wife, the shy bravado on the face of the boy-man taking time out from a crushing life to dream ..

Its the everyday things that one never notices that create the whole picture... its people who touch your life in places that don’t even register unless you look closely and find how their life meshes with yours... a conversation on the phone while cooking a meal, a downpour that you run through, a walk on a road that you take every day and never notice the road or the people who surround you.. its life...

Its a must watch movie..

..................................................................

On a completely unrelated note.. I got Amir khan’s autograph!!!!!!! YAY!

am i just like you...?

2011-01-21T01:38:00.001+05:30

i have no words.. this song does. and it captures my confusion and depression and hope all at once..

its a bit depressive, but i really like the music.. and the lyrics are nice...

Feeling the moment slip away
Losing direction, you're loosing faith
You're wishing for someone,
Feeling it all begin to slide
Am I just like you?
All the things you do - can't help myself...

How do you feel when there's no sun?
And how will you be when rain clouds come and pull you down again?
How will you feel when there's no one?
Am I just like you?

Turning to face what you've become,
Buried the ashes of someone
Broken by the strain
Trying to fill that space inside
Am I just like you?
All the things you do - can't help myself

How do you feel when there's no sun?
And how will you be when rain clouds come and pull you down again?
How will you feel when there's no one?
Am I just like you?
All the things you do

Don't ever feel that you're alone
I'll never let you down, I'll never leave you dry
Don't fall apart, don't let it go
Carry the notion, carry the notion back to me, to me...

Feeling the moment slip away
Feeling the moment slip away

Cause I'm just like you

How do you feel when there's no sun?
And how will you be when rain clouds come and pull you down again?
How do you feel when there's no one?
Am I just like you?

happy birthday Brats! and thank you dear microwave :)

2011-01-17T01:44:00.000+05:30

so the brats are now 15 years old! shock and awe is what my state of mind currently is... soon they'll get taller and turn from little boys (note to self: stop calling them that before they raise a ruckus) to men and will no longer need big sis for the little things..
but atleast today my boys are still boys.. and at 1:30 am i can proudly write that i was up late baking them cakes to take to school coz they wanted cake and i promised them that they will have it.. and for the only the second time in my life i made cake in the microwave since the old oven has been relegated to the storage cupboard high up on the wall and the ladder is now broken disallowing all access to said storage space..
brats were quite disappointed when mom pointed out that no oven meant no cake.. BUT i decided to risk it in the microwave anyway..(aren't i the greatest big sister EVER!)
and guess what.. the microwave is PERFECT for the brownies i make.. :) the only reason the cake got messed up the last time we tried the microwave was because we let it bake for too long.. tonight, thanks to a timely tip from SJ who i thankfully thought to ask, i only set the microwave for 10 mins.. and spent all that time worrying that it wouldn't be cooked in that short a time. i was too used to the half hour timing of the old oven. :)

so two perfectly LOVELY chocolate brownies ready for my brats' birthday :) yay!

where cats can be alive and dead, and wormholes are for people :)

2011-01-10T23:09:00.002+05:30

A ‘what if' can create some completely insanely wonderful scenarios and ideas.. i’ve always been fascinated by fiction and science fiction since i was a kid.. i read Isaac Asimov novels in school and got pulled into comic books and was always surrounded by people who were heavily into ‘science-y’ stuff.. and i do read a lot.. whatever i can understand and assimilate and wrap my head around.. its astounding how much of what was once science fiction or mythology or ‘god-hood’ is now in the realm of reality, even if in not- practically- provable- theory part of reality..

Was watching this rather awesome program on Discovery Channel today about Stephen Hawking’s theories... reminded me of all the science fiction and star trek and comic books i’ve ever read.. all about timetravel and wormholes and quantum theories.. what made it doubly fun was that the brats were watching it with me and after a long time turned to me for explanation of what we were seeing.. its weird how my latent maternal instincts always come out when the brats ask questions.. questions they’re actually interested in knowing answers to... even though now that they’re 15 most of the time they already know a lot of things or dismiss half the things i say with curt scepticism.. but after quite a while today we were not only sitting and watching something together, i was as excited as they were and i actually had answers to things that they didn’t know...

Its funny how after a point science, science fiction, philosophy and religion seem to converge.. something as simple as ‘why is this a law of nature?’ is only answerable with a ‘because it IS’.. and the only answer to a ‘why’ after that ranges from an ‘I don’t know i’m not a theorist’ to ‘that is how god made it’...

Time travel, wormholes, speed and time, superman flying at faster than the speedof light to go back in time and prevent Lois Lane’s death, the USS Enterprise going warp speed through wormholes to cross immense distances, black holes and the time travel paradox, heck, Angels and demons had such a highly fictionalised account of the LHC and what matter- antimatter interaction would create..

I’ve spent this weekend watching the first two seasons of ‘Fringe’. Its a TV show thats aired in India on WB channel.. i got the first two seasons from a friend recently and have finished the firat season over the weekend and am 4 episodes into the second as of tonight.. i just might watch an episode or two before i go to sleep tonight as a matter of fact.. it is sooo much fun! Biochemistry, theoretical physics, nanotechnology, bio-physics, chemistry, its all there.. and its amazing how they’ve woven actual scientific theory with fiction and created such a beautifully moulded story... i mean, even though the essential story plot is strangely mundane.. what with governments and big multinationals using scientific discovery to prevent/provoke a war, people doing unethical things in the name of ‘greater good’ and a hero and heroine with seemingly limitless potential, bravery and strength taking on everyone, including the laws of nature and two universe-fulls of people.. and obviously they’re gonna fall for each other and then discover that they can’t stay together and there will be catastrophic events post which something or everything will end.. as will the series.. BUT.. the journey is so much more fascinating than the end and even the charted road.. coz its the things that happen WHILE the story of the protagonists plods along is what the series is really about.. they’re not just two people destined to fall in love and then fall apart, its more about what their worlds themselves are like.. their personal lives are hardly there in the story of each episode, their individual life, much like in real life, is just a foreground to the larger picture getting painted around them.. their individual existence is important only because they connect to the universe as essential components of it, the storyline doesn’t revolve around them, they work as small parts of the larger storyline..

And i ADORE the way they’ve dealt with the depiction of the ‘crazy scientist’ stereotype.. J

And yes, the lead guy IS rather cute :)

things i wish weren't true

2011-01-09T14:51:00.002+05:30

one can't compete with a ghost
a memory is always perfect
its useless to try and break bonds, loosening them and then slipping out is much easier..

its practically a perfect score.. 10/10.. or whatever number we're at.. my life seems to be in a loop sometimes.. even when think i've broken out of one loop the straight- looking path I take suddenly curves in on itself..

2011-01-07T23:07:00.002+05:30

maybe i should change the name of this blog to 'rants of a depressed soul'.. or 'blank'... that seems to be my most common theme lately.................................

never made it as a wise man....

2011-01-07T23:04:00.002+05:30

creepy crawly

like the strangest darkest weirdest of things imagined and unimaginable except in that dream state where i'm wide awake and watching my fingers fly across the paper or the keyboard without consciously knowing where the sentence is going

thoughts burrow somewhere to surface like a mole or a mouse when i'm looking elsewhere and actually put it out of my mind.. then it scurries into my peripheral vision and i can do nothing but stare at it terrified till t chooses to go away leaving me fearful of its return

the rattle of a snake almost

an advance warning that something is there in your path, something that knows you when you don't know it

shadows that dance in the light changing form before you can identify it

this is how it comes creeping into my thoughts

its only when you lose everything that you're completely free to be yourself...

2011-01-02T15:11:00.001+05:30

so we're already two days into 2011 and i'm enjoying the lazy sunday.. though i have tonnes of things-to-do lined up including straightening out my closet that has borne the brunt of being stuffed with everything i own in a hurry coz i wanted to leave for a new year's party.. i think i even stuffed a couple of my saris haphazardly into the shelf instead of hanging them as they should be.. but snuggling into a blanket is a much more appealing prospect :)

N n i ushered in the new year together again :) i think we've done that the last four years now.. this time would probably be the last though as she might not be in town next year.. though she did spend most of the night hanging out with her boyfriend and i spent it chatting and dancing with lots of ppl..

in the midst of that loud party however, the whiskey coursing through my veins and the hypnotic flames that were warming my feet took me into one of my I- have to write/type- this- down -right- now- moods. so this is what i typed in the haze and it actually surprises me that not only did i write this at all.. but i managed to not make too many typing errors. though i do suppose the T9 dictionary thats always on in my phone may be responsible for that..... its a little sad for something written at that time in that place.. i suppose sitting curled up alone by the fire with couples all around does that to one...

it amazes me sometimes.. the sheer weirdness of the thoughts that erupt in flames. the red and gold of the flames reminds me of half- forgotten dreams as i stare into the fire with tongues of whiskey licking at my subconscious and dragging me to another world.. The warmth of the blazing embers takes me to a different word even as laughter and conversations of a thousand people surround me as the first light of a distant dawn breaks far over the horizon and beckons me into a dream.. a dream in which this fire draws me closer to its warmth and security.. a dream where the buzzing conversations retreat into the background and allow me to disappear into a new world of sensation.. a world where the bright lights from a passing car throw shadows of dreams across my conscious mind.. where i no longer feel alone in the cold but feel one with the world around me...

..................................................

on a completely unrelated note.. i finally watched Fight Club after several recommendations.. its a fascinating, albeit insane storyline.. its absolute chaos to the point that identity is lost.. chaos tightly controlled by a plan born out of insane denial of one's own thoughts.. scary as all hell if u really think about it..

goodbye decade....

2010-12-31T01:08:00.000+05:30

i remember being almost 13 years old and being spooked by the whole Y2K bug rumour.. i remember pressing my nose against the window and looking out as the fireworks celebrated the start of a new millenium..
i can feel the years fold back as i reminisce right now.. i don't even know why i am writing an 'end of the year' kind of blogpost.. but my fingers are dancing around the keyboard and i can hardly stop the process once it begins....
so here's to a farewell to teenage, college, to the beginning of growing up..
to a decade full of experiences who have now made me the woman who will live the next few decades of my life..
to love and laughter and friends.. to tears and bruises and dusting off the mud and getting up again..
to the decade thats gone by and to what i hope will be a new phase of life..

farewell 2010..

and i wish a great new year to everyone!

broken wings

2010-12-24T22:50:00.001+05:30

It is for you my love, its all for you..

the blood of my soul

That spreads from me to you

The pieces of my heart scattered around the courtyard

As I lie dying crushed beneath your love

Its all for you.. only for you…

…………..

It just came to me

Like the remnants of a dream

As I lazed in that half aleep, not quite awake state

Just what is not no matter how much I may want it to be

A brush, dusted off and starting with a clean slate…

its been FIVE years!!!!!!!

2010-12-21T02:24:00.003+05:30

I just realised that December 2010 implies that I've been blogging for FIVE YEARS!!!!!

wow..

thank you. all those who read my blog and all those who give me reasons to write it (yes even the sad ones)

I started the blog on 19 December 2005!!!!!
with this.
and from those silly days of a bored teenager's outpourings.. well.. i still do sound like that sometimes..
thank you for reading and commenting.. and sharing..and not pointing out the hundreds of spelling mistakes that i don't bother to run a mental or computer generated spell- check on!

:)

ostrich feathers

2010-12-21T02:11:00.002+05:30

why is it so hard for people to just TALK? does keeping something locked in help anyone? if u not mention it and don't give it conscious thought its not like it goes away.... its just that you bury your head in the sand and can't see whats coming at you..

what do you do when someone you love refuses to accept reality and clings to blind hope? refuses to see whats there just because its not what they want.. because accepting whats there is too painful...

wouldn't the pain go away if you just confront the situation instead of running from it???????

......................................................

i don' t suppose this is precisely the song for the moment but i like it anyway..

In Too Deep- Sum41

The faster we're falling,
We're stopping and stalling.
We're running in circles again
Just as things we're looking up
You said it wasn't good enough.
But still we're trying one more time.

Maybe we're just trying to hard.
When really it's closer than it is too far

Cause I'm in too deep, and I'm trying to keep,
All the thoughts in my head, instead of going under.
Cause I'm in too deep, and I'm trying to keep,
All the thoughts in my head, instead of going under.
Instead of going under.

Seems like each time
I'm with you I loose my mind,
Because I'm bending over backwards to relate.
It's one thing to complain
But when you're driving me insane
Well then I think it's time that we took a break.

Maybe we're just trying to hard.
When really it's closer than it is too far

Cause I'm in too deep, and I'm trying to keep,
All the thoughts in my head, instead of going under.
Cause I'm in too deep, and I'm trying to keep,
All the thoughts in my head, instead of going under.
Instead of going under.
Instead of going under.

I can't sit back and wonder why.
It took so long for this to die.
And I hate it when you fake it.
You can't hide it you might as well embrace it.
So believe me it's not easy.
It seems that something's telling me,

I'm in too deep, and I'm trying to keep,
All the thoughts in my head, instead of going under.
Cause I'm in too deep, and I'm trying to keep,
All the thoughts in my head, instead of going under.
Instead of going under.
instead of going under.

instead of going under again.
instead of going under.
instead of going under again.
instead of going under again.

hey bhagwan utha le!!!

2010-12-09T20:33:00.002+05:30

mujhe nahi... ISE utha le :)

So what do you do when a six foot tall strapping young lad gleefully tells you how he can now easily benchpress your weight? You applaud with pride J

And what do you do when that same young lad follows up the description of his gymming with the news that he recently went off to get a manicure, and pedicure, ending with clear nail polish on his prettified nails?

You laugh and you laugh and then you blog about it :D

And NO this guy is not gay or in any way effeminate…

except for the girly giggle in his voice when he tells you

“the nice lady in the salon told me that I have really pretty delicate hands!!!!!!”

:D Handing me ammo I say!!!!!! :D

DISCLAIMER: i have NOTHING against people who love makeup or guys who are into it.. I am not some sexist B#$%# who would downgrade a guy for wanting to look good. I'm also not a closet homophobe. its just that THIS guy, (and i how i regret swearing that i wouldn't reveal his identity) and nailpolish, are too incongruent for me to let it pass without public comment..

bouncing owls :)

2010-11-30T20:37:00.001+05:30

i'm so happy i can barely contain my excitement... my sleepy owl of a brother is finally getting married!!! and a love marriage at that.. i can't imagine how my poor bhabi- to- be puts up with him but i'm sooooo happy for both of them that i just had to jump around and tell the world :)

speaking of putting up with crazies... Ati has decided to go gallivanting off out of town to celebrate the approaching end of her college life, using ME as the excuse to her mom who thinks she's spending the night at my house.. when i tried to use elder-sisterly authority to forbid her trip she simply modified her plans to counter all possible objections that i could raise.. and i can hardly stop a 20 year old from doing what she wants as long as she's taking the safe route.. she reminded me of all the silly stunts i've pulled in my college life to counter my "oh its not safe" reasoning.. thank god for friends who graciously stepped in to relieve my fears.. shruti, whose currently studying in that city happily promised to help out if required and AB found a distant cousin who could be approached for help if need be.. ofcourse they both chewed me out for letting her do something that hairbrained.. though AB did agree with ati that i really had no foot to stand on as regarded irresponsible behavior done behind parents' backs... but she is like a kid sister to me and i know i'm gonna be freaking till she gets back to sweet old delhi tomorrow and i can shake her till her bones rattle...

however.. the fact remains that i am somewhere rather jealous and i wish I could be off doing something that silly.. not to mention the fact that she's gonna see the tajmahal on a misty morning...

siiiiiiiggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.............................

cruel intentions

2010-11-21T17:29:00.001+05:30

She comes up the escalator to find him waiting for her at a place he wasn’t supposed to know she’d be…

“I’m impressed.”

He smiles, and takes the step that brings them within touching distance..

“well.. I’m in love”

and they kiss,,,,

I know it’s a stupid movie.. but this has been on my most romantic scenes ever list since I watched Cruel Intentions as an impressionable young teen,,, bad- boy- turned- good.. how much more mills n boon-ey can u get….

faking it

2010-11-19T22:43:00.001+05:30

The world is based on lies really
Look around, how many people do you think are there who actually say what they mean and mean what they say..
everyone is constantly faking it.. a smile, concern, interest, pleasure, pressure, involvement, indifference. No one really cares what anyone wants.. but somehow everyone cares what the other person thinks. Everyone wants a good impression. No one wants to be the guy who made a faux pas by actually speaking his mind. .. from the sleep deprived mother who says she’s so happy with her baby to the teenager who fakes love and concern to get laid to the wife who touches her mom in laws feet to the boss who just wants the job done to the husband who really wants some me time to the child who wants some attention to the kid who wants to be left alone... everyone everywhere is just so afraid to say what’s really on their mind.. afraid to face up to what they really feel And i wonder why that is.. even as i follow my fellow beings in this endless deception i wonder why it is this way. Why is it such a crime to want something else? Its so deeply ingrained in us that half our responses are completely automatic. We don’t have to THINK before playing that role no matter how badly we may be chafing inside against the imposition. Not playing that part is somehow tougher than playing a part that you don’t want to play but do it anyway...

this is not my happy place....

2010-11-09T14:03:00.002+05:30

Its days like these that make me fear for my sanity sometimes... days where i feel like i’m sitting in a corner in a crowded room wrapped in a bale of cotton with yards of bubblewrap around for good measure.. when the noises around me melt into a low buzz in my ears that i cannot decipher.. where i feel like i can’t see or breathe or move and no one can see or hear me... and then again i feel suffocatingly crowded in my own head..

Exams are less than 20 days away.. and i cant study... tears well up for no rhyme or reason at the weirdest of moments and i just throw a fit anytime my suffocating isolation is interrupted...

I don’t know what i’m doing or how i feel or even what i need to get out of this place that i don’t remember entering....

This is not my happy place... its just a place where i’m not exactly unhappy....

hey! i'm still here...

2010-11-08T22:28:00.000+05:30

I've been so blank lately that i have to consciously think while i type this... usually this stuff just flows out coz thee are things i wanna get out of my system... this post seemed almost necessary to tell ppl that i'm still here... someone left a comment on my last post recently asking me if i'd shifted my blog somewhere else coz there was nothing new for a while...i havent written in a long time... not just on the blog but anywhere.. haven't so much as filled a page of my diary in a while... lots going on i guess...

1st... i'm addicted to tv... borrowed a 500gb hard drive from a friend and been glued to the laptop for a while.. my dad would probably wanna kill me if he reads this.. but i watched the entire first three seasons of Supernatural.. and i now have only three episodes left on the fourth season... and other assorted movies and tv shows.. this one i mentioned coz its got me so hooked i'm having withdrawal symptoms as i write this... dad's taken the laptop away for the night so i'm on the PC and cannot watch the remaining episodes..

2nd..been spending a lot of time with family.. my babaji (paternal grandfather) passed away two weeks ago.. i cleared out his files a couple of days ago.. he was a criminal lawyer, and as a law student it fell on me to put his papers in order so we could give the appropriate files to the clients... it was weird sorting out his work like that... files and files of cases that have taken him so long to create.. and now i just pulled out his handwritten notes from the files and packed them up for the clients.. the family's spent more time together the last two weeks than we had in ages though... so thats been good... all the cousins and aunts and uncles together... i'd forgotten just how large and noisy my family was..

3rd.. been strangely blank for a while now...i think the love lives of my friends are affecting my moods lately... tiny broke up with her bf, and that was a couple of upsetting days... coz she was rather broken up about the way it ended... Bt has also been having problems with her bf, worst has been that ati's been having a bad time of it n i've been worried about her... heck i see her as a baby sister even though she's 20.. and i do really wanna beat up that idiot boyfriend of hers for making my baby sis cry... but i've pretty much kept out of it except when ati wants to talk..
the only good part is that rave n sj celebrated their anniversary a couple of months ago.. they've gotten closer and stronger as a couple, ofcourse that also means that now when i hang out with them i feel like i'm intruding into eye contact conversations and allusions to stuff others ppl dont know about.. hanging out with a loving couple is a bit hard on a single person.. plus AB n i have been talking a lot lately and that is never really all that good for my sanity..

so thats just about it... a roundup of the thoughts in my head as of rt now... shall put up something better when i get around to writing it...

thank you by the way.. whoever that anonymous commentor was... you made my day.. ppl actually read my blog and wonder when i don't post.. :)

its complicated.

2010-10-19T23:47:00.000+05:30

Relationships are weird at this age... in college, you thought that the relationship you’re in would last forever, u do silly things like plan futures.. then reality sets in and u realise that you’ve changed as a person from when things began,.. so things have to end.. and it hurts.. when reality and the future encroach on this idyllic world you’ve built for yourself..

I see far too many unhappy couples around me lately..When reality has begun to make its presence felt.. when career and marriage and future are not abstract anymore but decisions to be taken in the very near future.. when your actions have an impact on the life of the people around you and you’re now grown up enough to see and realise the opportunity cost of living in your dream world...

The thought of the end is terrifying.. coz that person’s been a part of your life for so long.. you’ve grown up together, changed into the person you are now, together.. and suddenly it seems like the fit has gone wrong.. the parts that you played in each other’s life suddenly become unsustainable.. do you cut your losses and run? Or do u fight to keep going when every step gets harder than the last??

And when u come to a place where going ahead seems impossible, you teeter on the brink and wonder which way to go... it’s the hurt and the fear that is uppermost then.. how could this happen? Does this not matter anymore? Why does it feel like i’m the only one who wants this to work?

I also see people who’ve come to terms with what the future will hold... they know that they have to part someday.. and yet the thought of parting now is impossible... ‘we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it”.. and yet they live in the shadow of that inevitable departure.. afraid to make themselves more vulnerable, afraid to leave and start over..

It takes a long time to heal after losing love.. there are things that you cannot bear to do, places you cannot go to, nights that you can’t sleep..

I sat around talking to a friend today who recently broke up with someone after 5 years of being together.. and she says that she doesn’t know how to deal with the loss of a future she had planned with him.. another feels suffocated and neglected in her relationship but doesn’t know how to let go of someone she’s spent years with.. another guy is afraid to acknowledge how much being with this girl means to him because he can’t guarantee that they will survive life after college..yet another can't seem to deal with the drama he went through just a short while ago..

and i find myself wondering where all this heartache stems from.. how does one untangle oneself from the complications and deal with the real issues in life..

how has humanity survived romance this long.........

2010-10-16T00:27:00.003+05:30

“Just because you haven’t seen her yet doesn’t mean she isn’t out there... the one you’re meant to be with...”

“I never see anyone but you bella, even when i close my eyes n try to see someone else.. I only see you...”

of perception and zombie cats

2010-10-12T20:49:00.003+05:30

"The absence of perception of the counterpositive is a necessary precondition for the perception of the absence of that counterpositive"

It took me about a minute to figure out what that sentence meant... specially since dad quoted it at me in sanskrit and it took a while for me to translate it to english... he had to translate it for me at the end coz both mom n i simply got confused at the sudden flurry of incomprehensible words...

A student of dad’s asked him to teach her darshan shastra- vedantic philosophy. Dad being the practical soul initially refused but then agreed coz his student kept badgering him... now he has had to spend several hours with sentences like these and analysing ancient Indian philosophy.. he is both repelled and fascinated by the sheer vellapanti of philosophy.. coz if u look at it, the sentence above is simply common sense. You have to perceive that something is absent before you KNOW that it is..

Philosophy is such a weird thing... to construct long winded sentences with attendant explanations to say something that is so glaringly obvious that no one ever stops to THINK about it..

Was talking to a friend a couple of days ago about plato’s pholosophy.. specifically his analogy of the ‘cave’.. how perception shapes our worldview.. if you nor anyone else around has ever had to see or experience anything differnt from what everyone else doe sthen you will not have different ideas. You will accept what teh socially sanctioned view is because you don’t know any better and there are no other stimuli affecting your perception...

A few years ago, i was told about a rather facinating theory in quantum physics.. Schroedinger’s cat theorem.. atleast thats how i remember it.. don’t know if it was even the real name.. the essential sense of that theory was that if a cat is kept in a box through which neither the sight not sound of the cat can be perceived, then in a state where it is not known whether that cat is alive or dead, it exists in both states. Effectively, there’s a cat thats both alive and dead..

The absence of perception is essential for the perception of absence of a state...or alternatively, if you don’t know that the thing (that does not exist) does nnot exist, then at that moment is exists for you..

Who the heck comes up with this stuff???????????????????????????

the idea that simply perception through any sense is the reason why things exist in a certain manner for us... it is mind boggling coz its so glaringly obvious.. if one does not know better, one continues to do what one thinks is right... it applies to everything, from seeing that something you kept on the table is not tehre anymore to explaining why people act in an absurd manner... if you have not perceived it though some sense, then it doesnt exist for you...

bin tere.. I hate luv stories...

2010-10-11T03:00:00.001+05:30

Hai kya yeh jo tere mere darmiyaan hai
Andekhi ansuni koi dastaan hai
Hai kya yeh jo tere mere darmiyaan hai
Andekhi ansuni koi dastaan hai
Lagne lagi, ab zindagi khaali
Hai meri
Lagne lagi har saans bhi khaali (lost and lonely)
Bin tere, bin tere, bin tere (lost and lonely)
Koi khalish hai hawayon mein bin tere (lost and lonely)
Bin tere, bin tere, bin tere (lost and lonely)
Koi khalish hai hawayon mein bin tere (lost and lonely)

Ajnabi se huye kyun pal saare
Yeh nazar se nazar yeh milaate hi nahin
Ik gani dehaayi cha gayi hai
Manzilein raaston mein hi gum hone lagi
Ho gayi ansuni har dua ab meri
Reh gayi ankahi bin tere (lost and lonely)
Bin tere, bin tere, bin tere (lost and lonely)
Koi khalish hai hawayon mein bin tere (lost and lonely)
Bin tere, bin tere, bin tere (lost and lonely)
Koi khalish hai hawayon mein bin tere (lost and lonely)

Raah mein roshni ni hai kyun haath choda
Iss taraf shaam ne kyun hai apna muh moda
Yun ke har subah ik bereham si baat ban gayi
Hai kya yeh jo tere mere darmiyaan hai
Andekhi ansuni koi dastaan hai
Lagne lagi, ab zindagi khaali khaali
Lagne lagi har saans bhi khaali (lost and lonely)
Bin tere, bin tere, bin tere (lost and lonely)
Koi khalish hai hawayon mein bin tere (lost and lonely)
Bin tere, bin tere, bin tere (lost and lonely)
Koi khalish hai hawayon mein bin tere (lost and lonely)
Bin tere, bin tere, bin tere (lost and lonely)
Koi khalish hai hawayon mein bin tere ..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5zRLOWmSTdE

running away...

2010-10-11T02:50:00.004+05:30

“shit yaar.. mujhe bhi lagni chahiye thi... then u remember it.. yaad rehta ki hum ghar se bhage they....”

this was ati’s statement once we were safely ensconced in my room and i was done putting band aids on my shredded wrist...

She’s spending the night at my house.. and in the middle of the night her sudden hankering for adventure had us doing something i’d never thought i’d do.. attempt to sneak out of the house at night.

(background: For several years now, i’ve been living in a 90 year old- british era house which has a gorgeous lawn all around and a courtyard into which the living area opens.. it also has ornate grills on the huge picture windows and no access to the roof.. basically at night its a fortress with high unjumpable walls and barbed wire on top of the roof and all that jazz... the doors are heavy, old wood or metal that creak like a demon’s wail if u try to open or close them...

the point is... i’ve never been able to sneak out at night....)

tonight, with the streetlight throwing ghostly shadows on the roof and our neighbour’s cats mewling up a storm.. we sneaked out to the verandah through the bathroom window and climbed up to the roof.. with the help of a window grill and my pushing her butt up as she clung to a water pipe in an attempt to hoist herself up...

i shimmied up a water pipe, sat on the roof and watched the cars fly past on the tree lined road.. all the while praying that parents wouldn’t wake up/hear the crunch of our feet on the roof/otherwise decide to check on us in my room... it’s SCARY how the night light left on in the lobby looks through the mesh on the window specially when seen from the roof on the other side of the house..

oh and before i forget, we also arranged piles of my clothes under bedcovers to make it look like we were sleeping incase mom woke up to check on us in the duration of out adventure...

so we reached the roof and spent the next 15 mins arguing over an exit point... once we did get to the roof, i remembered exactly why i’d never done this before.. my spatial sense being the holy mess that it is... standing on the roof and looking down is really something that gives me the heebie jeebies.. i’ve looked down from tall buildings and high mountains and other assorted high places... but the roof in the middle of the night scares me silly...

she wanted to jump down from the roof, quite an easy jump.. for a cat or a monkey or someone with wolverine’s prowess and powers of regeneration..

while ati wanted to jump/climb/use a ladder off the roof, i exercised my authority as the elder and more mature of the pair to forbid any such acts.. my declaration was greeted by a resounding cry of despair from my beloved partner in crime who accused me of being a coward though i was merely exercising my judgment and enforcing the aforementioned authority..

and that too using that authority to say no to a scheme of jumping down a 17 foot high roof to brick pavement below..

then she dropped the idea.. because her boyfriend called n she happily settled down to talk to him while i enjoyed the quiet serenity of the night..

getting back down was another challenge.. i ended up hanging half off the edge and scraping off the skin on my wrist as i swung my body down.. she had an easier time of it than i did.. probably coz i was again standing below her offering her my shoulder or hand to use as a foothold..

so we giggled back to my room where i’m now all band aided and writing this story while she preens in front of the mirror... and she's telling me off for not letting her have the adventure she wanted..

.................................
on a completely unrelated note... i'm in LOVE withe the song bin tere from i hate luv storeys.. the longing in it is palpable.

..... ADDED
she woke up this morning to discover that she has also scratched her wrist in the little bout of climbing (as opposed to being pushed from below by me) nowhere near the gash on mine, but she thinks its fun.. i'm currently looking around for a psychiatrist.. :)

silence

2010-10-07T13:04:00.001+05:30

Re-reading Urvashi Butalia’s ‘The other Side of Silence’... actually reading sections i hadn’t earlier.. this book is part of the reason i have been tempted to take up law and do something to help victims of abuse and violence.. but thats not what i want to talk about right now..

So many were killed in the name of partition, hatred, religion.. as someone who is more than 40 years removed from the horrors, for someone whose family stayed more or less safe in delhi and someone who has never heard personalised stories of the partition or even of the ’84 riots.. its incomprehensible to me how ordinary people can be capable of such bestial acts of violence..

How is it that people live with themselves after having taken someone’s life...

There have been so many episodes of violence in India during the short span of my life.. and sitting in my protected space in Delhi i’m so far removed from it all that i can’t even begin to understand how people change into animals.. how an idea becomes more important than humanity and life...

I’m surrounded by insulated intellectuals.. people of middle and upper middle cass origins who have stayed within the cocoon of their own circles through teh upheavals...

My grandfather tells me how during teh independence movement he and his brothers, young school students then, would carry around messages and stick posters on walls.. my grandmother has stories to tell of the great -great- grand-somebody who was beheaded and his head stuck on a pike outside the thana after the 1857 revolt.. nani’s family had to run away from lahore.. they never knew of what happened to their things that were left behind.. and yet they escaped the kind of violence Butalia and others have described as the most commonplace occurrence during partition.. my father tells me of the refugee camps he and his friends helped manage after the ’84 riots and how bad the situation was.. and yet none of them were really THERE.. they came before or after the tremors subsided.. they helped clean up and bandage the hurt people... they don’t have personal stories to tell because they were spectators,... just like i am..

And in my selfishness i thank god for that sometimes.. for being away from the horrors.. for having an open, intellectual background where my family does not have bitter recollections of violence perpetrated against or by them.. they have stories of hope and rebuilding, of helping and human charity after the storm has passed...

How is it, why is it that throughout history, the women have borne the brunt of men’s ‘honour’? that it is the women who are abducted, raped, paraded, beaten, all for the sake of a group identity and honour.. stripping teh honour of another group almost always involved subjecting their women to some kind of violence while the men were renedered unable to defend them..

I understand the basic animal instinct underneath it.. that it is the women who create the next generation, physical and mental control over women automatically translates to control over the coming generations..

What i fail to understand is how has this gone on for so long in this so called civilsed society? That even today, the first signs of violence are marked on women and children.. i think not just about the partition because that was something dealt with by a previous generation. My incomprehension is about whats happening today.. Honour killings, forced marriages, seclusion, violence against women who choose to step out of the home for anything..

insomnia

2010-10-05T00:31:00.001+05:30

when you're with someone you want space for yourself.. when that person is not around you have trouble sleeping without hearing their voice...
its the wisdom of the ages.. which rave learnt today...

feminism...

2010-10-05T00:29:00.001+05:30

whats feminism?? trying to prove that we're as good as them or accepting that we're different and there is simply no comparison between the two sexes?
i had to answer a questionnaire on feminism and activism today.. and can't stop thinking about the questions it asked and the semi-articulate answers i've given..

am i a feminist?
not if feminism means that i have to strive to prove that i'm 'as good as' a guy..
yes if it means that i proudly proclaim that i am what i am and those who want someone else can eff off...

what is feminism though? the bra- burning, 'we can do anything you can' brigade is one side, the calm, stoic female boss who tells her male colleagues to look at her face when she talks and not a few inches below it is another..the young bride to be who turns away a baraat because the groom's parents humiliated her own is yet another, the young mother who walks out on a marriage with children in tow rather than suffer abuse is also one, as is the angry fighter who takes on chauvinist ideas and idealists intellectually and physically..

but there is the young woman, who left her career because she got married, who covers her head and touches her in-laws' feet, who cooks and minds the kids and keeps the perfect house, who defers to parents and husband... is she too a feminist if she brooks no argument when it comes to sending her daughter to school? if she raises her children to treat everyone as equals and to never believe that any of them is inferior to the other?
is one who wants to raise a family and doesn't mind putting her career on hold a feminist if she decides this on her own as opposed to having been dictated to?
is one who accepts that going out late at night in a city like Delhi is unsafe an anti- feminist?

is one not a feminist if one refuses to join a march opposing violence against women?

is the hijab- clad woman in france who argues that she wears the veil as a symbol of her faith and not because of a diktat a feminist?
is the girl who wants to elope and marry the man SHE wants a feminist?
is one who enjoys dressing up, who wants male attention and approval a blot on the feminist sisterhood?

is one who believes that election quotas for women are simply eyewash striking a blow against women?
how do you define feminism?

i dont quite care about what roles are 'good' for a good girl or a devoted feminist.. i'm equally at home in a sari and in my own skin...
for me, the assertion of identity depends more on the intellect than on the physical structure of one's genitalia..

am i a feminist?? or am i just clueless about gender roles in this world..

to my favourite couple...

2010-10-03T02:09:00.002+05:30

i've admired you both for a long time now because you showed me something incredible about love.. u reaffirmed what i'd learnt in my own disaster of a relationship.. that you must put friendship over coupledom.. that telling each other everything created a level of understanding that no storms could shake...
i learnt it the hard way.. that if you keep something hidden away it can become a festering sore that affects everything thats good in the relationship and in life..
it was when i saw you two tell each other everything, expose your silliest and weakest and most vulnerable to each other that i realised that it was infact possible to be opposites and yet work out harmoniously... you could say anything to each other, including telling each other when you didn't want the other to be around..
that honesty and trust was the bedrock of it all i always knew.. i didn't quite know how it could be managed till i saw you two together...

and yet today i see you unhappy.. and it breaks my heart.. that two people who i thought shared everything no longer have the words to express themselves..

i love you both very much.. and i hope you find your rythm again..

inspired by tinni's photograph..

2010-10-02T21:37:00.001+05:30

I’m not sure if i’m dreaming or i’m awake.. it feels like a dream.. or a barely remembered memory.. maybe it is the flickering yellow bulb on the streetlight that throws shadows across the narrow lane i’m standing in.... the wall to one side looks like a corridor i’ve walked own many a times.. to the left is a blank wall i’ve never seen.. The end of the lane is bathed in shadows.. i know i’m meant to walk further and yet my fear of the dark holds me back.. even in the half asleep daze that clouds my eyes i can see that the darkness if the lane deepens ahead into what must be a doorway.. i have to walk through it,.. HAVE to get to it.. across the recesses in the walls beside me that i know someone or something awaits me in...

at the weirdest of times, the lyric of an avril lavigne song come to my head.. ‘Sometimes i get so weird, i even freak myself out...’ i laugh at my silliness.. Its weird how i have a song in my head ALL the time.. even now, when i stand atremble facing this dark narrow alley..

Is it a metaphor for my life? Or is it just another strange and beautiful sight like the millions i ignore every day.. the flickering ochre of the grimy bulb seems to follow m footsteps.. as far as i have walked, the light’s shines right at my feet turning the far end of the lane to mysterious shadows.. i can just discern the doorway because it’s a darker black than the shadows that surround it...

Something glints in the half- light..

Is that a bar on that doorway? I force my numbed eyes to look, squint into the gloom.. maybe, maybe not... damn that phrase seems to be the definition of my life lately..

But no worries.. there’s the alley, there’s me.. and there’s that shadow within the shadows that i know i’m walking towards through the deepening gloom..

wealth of comments

2010-09-23T01:29:00.001+05:30

watching the news the last few days has been like gupta sir's labour law classes.. the entire discussion gets repeated in every class till u can almost predict the next sentence.. the commonwealth games discussion on the news channels has gotten to THAT level of repetitive..

raat yeh bhi guzar jayegi...

2010-09-23T01:22:00.001+05:30

a song for every mood rt........?

एक वो दिन भी थे
एक यह दिन भी है
एक वो रात थी
एक यह रात है
रात यह भी गुज़र जाएगी
रात यह भी गुज़र जाएगी
..........................................
there will be a day that we will look back and laugh at how childish we were.. that we believed in fairytales and angels and stories of forevermore.. we will look back at what we thought was the end of life.. at what we didnt think we'd survive.. and realise that Oliver was wrong after all..
you don't just survive, you LIVE
all you have to do is try.

hiding

2010-09-18T00:04:00.003+05:30

sometimes you really want to take a step.. but you cant even quite explain to yourself why you don't...
murphy won't dog every step i take will he??

i need something new

2010-09-13T12:19:00.000+05:30

just how many times is it possible to pick up and re-read a book thats been read and closed already..

closed chapters, turned pages
arrows shot and bullets fired
words spoken, moments lost

you can really never go back to some things..

2010-09-10T02:54:00.003+05:30

history repeats itself..
the fact that the statement is true scares the bejeezus out of me...

death of romance

2010-09-07T01:32:00.004+05:30

“Those who can’t do, teach, and those who can’t wed, Plan”.. said Jennifer Lopez in the Wedding Planner.. but what do you do when you get the most impossible people to plan for????

Since the demise of romance from my life ive taken vicarious pleasure from my friends’ love lives.. playing agony aunt, messenger and on occasion couple counsellor.. yes i know, i don’t have a life... thank you very much for noticing. But this rant isn’t so much about me as about a certain stubborn ass idiot who has been chucking all my planning to the bin...

I have a dear friend who is about to reach a milestone in his relationship.. and he’s asked me to help him with ideas for D Day.. i’ve been pulling out everything i’ve got.. and yet.. nada.
The boy likes NOTHING!
I mean.. every single idea i have is either too cheesy or too boring or silly or expensive or plain too much trouble...

ive suggested everything from a simple bouquet (too cheesy) to a full blown grand meal for two at a nearby resort (too far to drive) i’m so out of ideas and out of temper! I’ve dug through memory and movies and conversations and plain logic of eliminating everything they’ve already done.. and every conversation ends with me going %^&$%&^£$%$% and him going.. “c’mon you’re my friend you have got to help me out here”

i wanna shoot him! Or tell his girlfriend that she’s dating an imbecile!

ajeeb dastan hai yeh...

2010-09-06T15:53:00.001+05:30

its weird how life can simply keep curving in on itself till you feel like you're caught in a never ending loop..
this year was supposed to be different..and yet it is uncannily the same.. confusion and acrimony, fights, sleepless nights, indecipherable signals, boredom and lack of direction..

but my life seems so different on the face of it..

................................

so here's the things i WANT to accomplish this year.

1. go for an international moot.. even if we just do the regional rounds for lack of money.
2. sleep without first needing to shut my body down with physical exhaustion.
3. go for a trip with friends
4. get my family to go for a day out without any dramas involved
5. get an article published in a legal journal.
6. stop living in the past.

2010-08-27T01:14:00.001+05:30

things change.. things end, things begin.. what you once thought was gospel truth shows grey in the light of a new day.. where there was a void a seed sprouts..
days and months and years pass.. yet when i look in the looking glass
all i see is a little girl looking
for something thats changed

life can sometimes just BE.. when you're not really paying attention something momentous happens and all you can really do is deal with the curveball.. or accept the gift.

yeh lamhaa jee lene de...

2010-08-20T00:08:00.003+05:30

Ai zindagi yeh lamha jee lene de…

Pehle se likha.. kuch bhi nahi.. roz naya kuch likhti hai tu…

Jo bhi likha hai dil se jiya hai yeh lamha… filhaal jee lene de…

I want it all.. I guess I really do

The chance to dream, to fly, to experience life as I’ve never known..

Maybe I just don’t know who I am anymore… maybe things will just snap back into place as suddenly as they fell into disarray..

Who knows where life can take us.. who ever knows whats coming next.. its all we can ever do to live the moments that we’re allowed…

HOLY COW! gai machchi kaise kha sakti hai?????

2010-08-05T17:35:00.001+05:30

in the throes of laughter with friends with the haze of cigarette smoke clouding my eyes.. sitting on a stone chabutara at D-school on a rather lovely cloudy afternoon.. i saw something rather startling today...
a cow munching on a fish carcass..
or so the caption beneath the picture says...

i think i laughed for about 10 minutes post which we had a rather lively discussion about why the holy being descended to that level.. in CAPITAL letters below a half page sized picture of a cow with a wierd looking brown thing in its mouth, was captioned thus

A COW feeding on a carcass of a "magur"(a black african fish) from the dried lake bed in Sultanpur bird sanctuary near Delhi. The lake is lifeline of the sanctuary's avian and aquatic residents and is also home to bluebulls and blackbucks. (sic)

a bigger red coloured tag under the picture said "DRY DAZE"

so we all had a merry debate on whether my confusion was an unwelcome comment on the freedom of choice of food for an independent-minded cow.
or if its now going to be acceptable for devoutly vegetarian Hindus to eat fish because gau- mata has been seen to be enjoying a machchi..
whether the photographer had simply gotten the wrong idea and the conscientious cow was merely carrying away the abandoned dead body of the fish to a final resting place.

the jury's still out, and my friends have threatened violence if i continue to talk about this picture. hence the blogpost.

my apologies to tiny, rave, sj, shru n bt... i can just NOT get over the sheer wierdness of that picture.

my apologies to any hapless readers patient enough to sit down n read this entire thing without being able to see the picture thats got me so confused.. you will have to wait a few days for my PC to start working coz as usual i'm using the college comps... you could ofcourse buy/borrow/steal the India Today July 5 edition and turn to page 13 to see what the fuss is all about.

i'm NOT PMS-ing.. but i still want a chocolate and a smoke.

2010-07-16T00:25:00.001+05:30

its one of those days when things just feel topsy turvy and irritating even when they aren't... i have no idea why i'm behaving like a child but its like nothing has been right, even though i can't actually pinpoint whats wrong in my life..
my 'cheer yourself up' mantra about how i have everything in life isn't working either.... maybe i should just make a list of why i feel down..

- i'm tired. head pounding and eyes watering level of exhausted but i cant seem to be able to sleep.. thats probably due to the next few factors though..
- i'm interning but my presence is almost totally superfluous.. i spent two hours searching a case in the library today but my boss didn't even use it in the argument.. he did say 'good job' and wrote down the citation for future reference though..
- one of my closest friends has recently met a really cute guy at her workplace and i'm very near being seriously jealous of her coz its like there's zero romance in my life and the droughts been far far too long for my patience.
- i've hardly spent any time with my family since i started interning that didnt involve a meal or some other household-ey kind of thing instead of just randomly sitting with my parents n the brats..
- i might just be suffering from post- world cup blues coz it really feels like there's suddenly nothing worth watching on tv..
- stupid office ppl at law fac yelled at me after i'd been standing in line for nearly an hour... and put me in a separate section from my friends anyway... what was the point of being polite while they yelled anyway...???
- i feel fat.
- three of my friends have called tonight to chat with me but i'm in such a wierd mood that i can't bear to talk to them.. n then i feel blue that i have no one to talk to.
- this guy i work with was making small talk in the car en route to the office from court today and he asked me if i was seeing anyone..
- i have wayy too many romantic numbers on my phone, computer, ipod and lyrics files.
- i'm awake past midnight making this dumb list when i have to wake up at 7 am.

wwwwwaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... :(

unfinished...

2010-07-05T19:11:00.001+05:30

"i feel like talking.. thats why i called"
"just like that? "
"yeah.. if.. thats okay"
"uh.. yeah ofcourse.. i mean.."
"oh.. u were busy.. sorry.. i'll let you get back to your work..."

dial tone..

"damn... why didnt i just be civil?? i didnt have to talk to her.. annoying woman that she is.. anyway.. tonnes of work.. damn it.."
.......
rriiiinnnggg
her again? uggh...
"hello?"
"hello? hi do you know who this phone belongs to?? "
the voice was male.. a guy??? on her phone??
"umm.. who is this?"
"you are the last dialled number on this phone.. do you know who this phone belongs to??"
the voice sounded unnaturally loud.. she could also hear traffic in the background..
"er.. yes i do know her. but who are you and what are you doing with her phone??"
"i... i. need help.. this girl just almost jumped in front of my car.. i'm calling from _____ i'm taking her to teh hospital right now. can you please inform her family??? her screen smashed so i cant find any other numbers..."
"oh.. uh.. i .. yes i will. what hospital will you take her to?"

she stared at the phone for a few seconds once she hung up.. contact the family? she knew of teh family surely.. they'd been friends for a while.. surely someone would know.. she called other friends..
"do u know ____'s home number?? she just had an accident.."
"no.. maybe __ does.."
"can you call around and check with others??"
"'kay"
...........

why she was at the hospital she didnt quite know.. perhaps because she'd been the last to have heard from her. it had been a harrowing few hours.. family had been traced.. called. it had been a wierd call to make..

she was finally awake..
"hey.. how are you feeling?" thats such an inane question.. why did i even say that?
she started crying...
"i 'm sorry for all that trouble.. i didnt know what else to do... just felt like i couldnt live anymore.. there was no one who would care.. so.."

wait.. WHAT are you trying to say?? you actually jumped on that road? it really wasn't an accident?

the way we are

2010-06-20T21:47:00.001+05:30

I didn’t cook anything today.. went out for lunch with school friends though.. and were badly duped by our favorite watering hole because even after three whiskeys and a tequila shot, all of us walked out of there with just a slight buzz… either we’ve all suddenly developed a very very high tolerance or they ripped us off and gave us cheap useless alcohol for the price of the good stuff…

That apart.. it was great to meet old friends after a long separation.. i hadnt realised how much i'd missed them, how much fun we all really have taking each other's trip..

AND.. i wrote this while waiting for them to show up...

serendipity

We’re occupying lonely chairs on opposite corners of the little café.. seated on tables that were designed for more than one person.. my ipod plugged into my ears, your cellphone glued to yours..we ‘re waiting for someone.. someone important enough in our individual lives for us to wait long enough for the slow café staff to take our orders, we nurse our coffees as we wait..

I don’t know you.. I can’t even quite see you because my spectacles are lazing on the table next to my cellphone. And the chance glance of yours towards me as I look around the busy café sends me into a storybook world..

The story set in a little café in a metro station.. much like this one.. two people, both alone, absorbed in their own worlds, and a chance encounter..

One of us seated alone at a table meant for many more… a sea of people.. every other table occupied by others trying to escape the sweltering heat outside for a few more minutes.. the other enters, flushed with the heat that the metro’s air conditioners have yet to dissipate…

“excuse me.. do you mind if I sit here if this chair is unoccupied?” a polite question, answered by a nod. The eyes are absorbed in the book that hides the reader from the world..

The chair scrapes against the floor, a rustle of paper.. two strangers sharing a table, oblivious to each other’s presence. Lost in the stories that are being played out on the pages they hold. Their own story on hold…

The waiter delivers the order, concentration broken, they both look up, meet each other’s eyes.. exchange a tentative smile..

“ I read the one you’re reading just last week,, this author’s great isn’t he?”

“likewise” comes the smiling reply, both are reading the same author..

“have you read xyz by the same author?”

“not yet.. I’m going to finish this first and maybe re-read the one you have.. its really good”

The book, the author, the café, the drinks.. the universe conspires to grant them topics of conversation… they soon know each other’s favorite books, fav author, music, films, what the other has had to face in the course of the day.. what the other hopes to accomplish.. they chat with the ease of people who have known each other forever.. who know each other inside and out… their thoughts compliment and mesh together..

And then the flow gets interrupted.. the wait that had them both feel alone is over, the ones they were waiting for come in… but neither recalls the wait anymore…. The time has passed quicker than they imagined..

Hey! You’re here already!”

“sorry to keep you waiting..”

This is my friend abc.. and this is…”

You fumble as you realize that we know everything about each other but you don’t know my name and I don’t know yours.

We grin and introduce ourselves... for a second there we had forgotten we were strangers..

We exchange polite goodbyes then.. the ease of conversation has given way to awkwardness that the realization brings..

Be both get up and start walking towards the door with our companions.. turn in different directions at the door… and then turn around to each other again…

“are you on facebook?”

“We can chat online if that’s okay with you..”

A smile exchanged, “yes..”

“talk to you soon then.”

food and football

2010-06-19T16:50:00.001+05:30

last night's England- Algeria match was so boring that not just i, but the four boys ranging from ages 14-20 who were watching also fell asleep midway through it.

the house is unusually noisy this weekend... both my mausis are here for the day and one of them has brought her two kids with her.. so now i have FOUR brats annoying me for the weekend. thankfully one of them is nearly 20 and therefore less inclined to come and bug his elder sister..

................

other than that... i made pasta and potatoes in dahi-and-pudina for dinner yesterday... everyone said it was really good :)

fire

2010-06-18T00:12:00.001+05:30

Pain just licking the edges of my consciousness..

like the rough almost rash left behind on my soft skin from the stubble on his jaw... took me back to the crazy days we’d shared as children... competing against each other.. I determined to not let my femininity get in the way of the prize.. he equally determined to show me that he was better than me at just about anything.. we’d climb and race and wrestle and shout our way across the day.. and at the end, both exhausted curl up in each other’s arms till parents’ calls could no longer be ignored..

Then we’d have to face the anger that came forth from the deepest set fears of parents.. an anger that masked their deep rooted concern for our “future”.. in any other scenario we would have been betrothed as children.. maybe even married off and then left to compete in our childish games… maybe.. but then I would have had to be confined as only the married girls are.. I couldn’t have competed against or sworn at my husband.. but I digress..

As I said… maybe they would have gotten us married just to get rid of their worries about where we were or what we could get upto while playing unsupervised… but ofcourse they couldn’t.. we belonged to the same gotra.. we lived next door to each other in the same village.. the khap had forbidden us to be anything but playmates… our parents knew that well… they had watched peers being strung up in the banyan tree near the khap meeting place.. they had watched children of forbidden marriages grow up as orphan beggars on the streets of the village.. they wouldn’t have dared think about our marriage..

But we did..

As the games of childhood grew into desires of adolescence.. as we began to really see how different our bodies were.. a difference that excited us, enticed us… we fell in lust just as easily as we’d loved each other.. I was his life, he was mine... there was never a thought of any other for us.. whenever I was teased about going to my sasural.. I always thought of the door of his house opening to welcome me.. he only ever dreamed of me bringing him rotis and lassi on a hot day in the field..

The groves that had seen many a game of hide and seek also gave us a place where we hid from the rest of the world and spun our own dreams..

Till one day they saw us…

And all hell broke lose..

My parents promised that I would be married off outside the village within a month.. that was the only reason the khap didn’t cut us into pieces right there in the grove.. I had besmirched the family honour, they said.. only my father somehow insisted that killing me would not clear his name.. his stand against the village then was how my life didn’t end that day..

I pleaded and cried… from next door I could hear the echo of the same whipping stick- sound.. almost as if they both rose and fell in a rhythm with each other.. in the dead of the night I heard his broken whispers at my window.. how he had been left loose I don’t know.. I had been fettered to the wooden beam by the same thick rope that bound the big bull in his pen… he managed to crawl in undetected.. maybe the gods smiled upon us just then.. we crept away with the sunrise…

The tortuous trek to the police post 15 miles away, and then two days of pleading with the sahib there that we knew what we were asking for, that we were both old enough.. they told us to stay near the police station and not even try to contact our families if we wanted to live.. we took the blessings of the babu- sahib who sat in the courthouse to marry..

And then the gods stopped smiling.. a member of the khap saw him and guessed I would be where he was.. the mob descended on out little hut with the setting sun…and they set fire to it.. I was inside… he was dragged outside to be beaten and to watch as I burned.. we wouldn’t be allowed to die together… we couldn’t burn in the same pyre.. I watched from behind flaming walls as they sheathed their swords in his body…

as he fell to the ground and blood began to run… they spat at the spreading stream and began to walk away..

And he stirred.. silent, watching for their return.. and then he crawled into the flames to me.. I pushed with all my strength till the chair that was my captor fell to its side and I could drag it on the ground..

We managed to be in the same pyre… they wouldn’t be able to separate us now..

I smiled at him as the sting from the fire turned into a raging burn… our eyes never left each other.. with my last breath I told him I loved him.. and gave myself over to the darkness that would deliver us from the fear we had lived under forever..

whn you say nothing at all

2010-06-18T00:03:00.003+05:30

We all grapple with strange thoughts every single day. Sometimes what is in our mind overwhelms rationality and leaves us vulnerable, weak and hurt. Sometimes rationality, cold calculation, Knowledge wins and no matter what curveballs get hit our way we manage to get past them.

Sometimes we get hit. We get hurt. Things are simply too much. Too many thoughts, memories,, opinions words, acts, images sounds fighting for space in our head and the incoherence is frightening. And sometimes its patters that make us cower.

The mind has got to be the most fearsome thing ever created by the hand of god or man. Nothing comes close to what our own mind can evoke to leave us cowering and defeated even before anything actually happens. Or after something has happened and we need to gather ourselves and get up, but the mind holds us captive. Shattered on the ground and unable to so much as try to put the pieces together.

Sometimes it takes sheer willpower to get up. Conscious mind over unconscious thought. You MAKE yourself get up even when you think there is nothing left. You make yourself walk when everything has given out. Life then becomes a breath, a step, the swift intake of breath after a sob has escaped. A tear wiped, a moan swallowed, a footstep towards reclaiming the broken pieces of your self, putting them together is the goal you work towards..

sometimes you find yourself stepping off the edge of a cliff.. into the unknown, burning all figurative bridges behind you. No going back. No matter how much you may want to, no matter how dark the path ahead is. You make yourself move ahead. No going back to what once was, what things can never again be

But some memories and images and sounds still follow you.. scents, sense, touch, feel, things evoke memories, and our mind is just so good at running away from us.. running across worn out paths that we walked over once, tugging us to the imprints we left there..

You can never go back, imprints are too deeply etched, things cannot be undone… and yet your mind tells you that it might happen… so you put all your might behind that might… behind that which might not.. and at the end you’re left fighting shadows and flickers.

Sometimes your mind will not let you not revisit a time from which you’ve come away.. There’s nothing left but memory.. but memory is a powerful thing.

………………………………………………….

On a completely unrelated note.. I made a paneer dish again for dinner... something called “embassy paneer” that I got off the Amul website. It was nice overall, but I put too little salt in it.

also, I would put my neck on the line and say this.. I don’t care how cute or good Messi is.. Kaka is HOT!

i got a feeling...

2010-06-14T20:09:00.002+05:30

Maybe I should do a food blog kind of thing a la Julie and Julia… now that there’s a laptop in the house.. I cannot take it to the level that Julie did ofcourse but I could actually do this for a couple of weeks… since I have nothing else to do for the month but play housemaid till courts reopen in July…

So thanks to the handy little laptop, I happily looked up a recipe online and sat the laptop down in the kitchen and reread the recipe as many times as I needed till the dish got done..

I made dahi- chicken a couple of days ago... and today I just got done making paneer kofta… n rt now I have a “cooking feeling”… like I WANT to experiment and make new things…

the brats went off to stay at grandparents' for a couple of days and the house has been sooo quiet that i can hear my heartbeat… plus I’m bored and cooking gives me something satisfying to do…

can anyone recommend some nice dishes that are also not terribly difficult??

i wanna try as many kinds of things as i possibly can in the next 15 odd days.. not just north indian standards.. but other random stuff..

i looked up the kofta recipe on Indianfoodforever.com.. hope it tastes as nice as it looks.. dad and the boys should be back for dinner tonight...

no surprise

2010-06-13T18:32:00.003+05:30

it was on april 22 that i wrote the most sensible post of the year...

some things cannot be recycled or reused..

2010-06-13T18:25:00.001+05:30

i tried to be melanie.. but i could never even be scarlett..

i should really stop trying to live in storybooks... its been a long time since i gave up on a storybook romance.. maybe its time i gave up on a novel- worthy comeback as well..

things happen when they have to happen.. you can't hold on to something broken and believe that it'll get back to its unspoiled beautiful self...
or even taht if you try enough you'll reassemble it into some other beautiful thing... whats broken remains so..

......................
i have a scar on my waist... its a puckered little reminder of a cycling accident as an 8 year old..
some scars never fade.. this is one of them.... its something to learn from.

i have several scars as a matter of fact.. comes with a lifetime of clumsiness... falling off slides, on rocks, baching bicycles into buildings, falling off tree branches banging against doors.. been there, done that, carry the mark of..

and every one of them reminds me of a time when doing something that was "a good idea at the time" can lead to both laughter and pain.

2010-06-08T21:43:00.002+05:30

there's a lot that happens in life that makes NO sense whatsoever... but feels damn good..
unfortunately.. today's not quite what i would want put in that category...

i REALLY need better things to do in life than overanalyse n crib..

i'm not that pesky little kid you took care of... i grew up. can you please deal with it like a grown up

2010-06-06T00:37:00.001+05:30

it really hurts when the person because of whom you have been put in fetters says that being restricted is a good thing... that the outside world is not safe enough for you.... when each time you try to loosen your chains they are tightened because of the enduring spectre of THAT person..

i know its stupid to resent someone who never knew what havoc their behaviour might cause.... who genuinely thinks that the same fetters they broke in their bid to live would keep someone else safe and happy.. its even more ridiculous however, to have kept well within lines and done everything expected of you.. and then be denied the power to take decisions that affect no one but yourself... its downright hurts when you comply with every valid and stupid restriction far beyond the age where anyone less compliant would and did, and yet you're tarred with the brush of rebellion when all you want is to be recognised as a thinking person in your own right...

i suppose it would be a bit counterproductive to quote britney spears of all the people after saying that i am too old to be controlled, but this song says it all..

i'm not a girl
there is no need to protect me..
........

ive seen so much more than you know now.. and thats why it seems to me...
i'm not a girl.