Sunday, January 06, 2013

"If you leave who will prove that my cry existed?/ Tell me what was I like before I existed.

yes i am selfish and spoilt.. i am, really... because while the world is talking about crimes against women and people are working their asses off all over the city, i'm wrapped up in a little bubble of mourning and memories...

in the past one month, i've lost three people who spent nearly my entire childhood pampering me, who were there in the background and foreground, often scolding my parents for scolding me, or hiding me when i wanted to escape the world... my grandmom, almost-surrogate- grandmom, and my Taiji- surrogate mom.
between the three of them, they can string together every step of my life from when i started talking to now when i stepped away and only returned to them when i needed a break from life.. even at age 24, i would cuddle up to taiji and ask amma to tell me the same stories that she's been entertaining me with since childhood.. i would visit damma and have her smile at me like i've made her day...
they were the people who all the news about life HAD to go to... they were the people who would scold me for working too much and eating too little and not having enough time to just be their little girl again...
They are the ones who remember little milestones and bumps from my childhood. stories like what i did with some long forgotten toy and the tantrum i threw about a shoe or the way i had to cajoled into eating something..
They knew my childhood, they knew the brat before i became I with an identity and a belief system.. they were the ones whose stories and admonitions and love and PRESENCE helped shape  me into who i am now.. my parents both worked, and they were there all day with me..

and now the witnesses to my childhood are gone...
Amma passed away on December 3, Damma on 15th, and Taiji on january 4...
i like to think that all three of them are now sitting in a sunny balcony up in heaven, drinking cupfuls of tea and  chatting about things just like they used to when i was a child running around with ati and akku....

Saturday, January 05, 2013

goodbye...

I was a spoilt, pampered child.. as much as i may whine about growing up taking care of teh brats, the truth is that i never lifted a finger till well into my teenage, and i was the only child at home long enough to be pampered silly... i've done stuff like listen to stories all afternoon and all evening and have 'favorite' soaps brought from the market before i'd consent to bathe, and 'run away' from home because mom scolded me for something and LOVED to put my head in someone's lap and be stroked to sleep...

and now the people who spoilt me the most are gone.. Babji, Amma, and now Taiji... the people who pampered me enough for my parents to complain, the ones who told me i was the most beautiful princess in all the world and they loved me...

And i thank god on bended knee that they went before having to suffer too much pain...

Taiji, i wish our last conversation could have been happier.. i love you..