Tuesday, October 27, 2009

stories of lost dreams....

I’d thought I had been fighting a lost battle… covered in scars.. bruised and battered.


I’d thought I was fighting all alone. No one had cared to join me.. that you had abandoned me. Left me to defend the shell of what had once been the only place I called home..

I blamed you for running from the fight just when I needed the reinforcement..

Then I began to believe that the castle of dreams I’d put my life on the line to save meant nothing to you... that you had abandoned it just as you had me..
i began to hate the castle.. the dreams it showed and the lives it destroyed..hate myself for fighting to save something all others had left to rot..

I built it anew.. stronger.. taller.. a castle could defend on my own…

And yet I will always mourn the castle of my dreams.. Blame you or leaving the battle just when you were needed the most..

If only I had known that reinforcement were coming..

Monday, October 26, 2009

of epiphanies..

Strange how this particular epiphany happened.. in two parts… with the same person there in front of me(or on the phone) in both cases…


Strange also that the annoying brat(or AB) formerly christened CL.. was the person I was talking to both times..

Strangest of all.. the sheer amount of time it took me to get to this stage…


I’m finally proud of looking the way I do.. its no longer something to blush about.. if someone stares at you.. its okay.. preen..

For years.. getting compliments was an exercise in embarrassment.. if someone noticed my clothes I felt exposed.. if someone liked my hair.. I’d comb it out.. no makeup.. no flirting… I was in this state of imposed self control… the only guy who could.. and after a point did compliment was AB.. n then I thought that he was just doing so coz he loved me n couldn’t see the faults the mirror saw… I would NEVER flirt.. that wasn’t DONE,…


Then came the breakup.. and the post breakup baggage..
The tears.. the “guys are jerks” phase..

Worse still.. the almost- relationship that flared for a bit n then drowned..

And I closed down.. turned away from the mirror.. began to hate how I looked..

If someone couldn’t see beyond the fair skin n brown hair to the brain and the heart under the skin.. I wasn’t interested…

And then came the epiphany.. just this weekend..

It was my cousin’ birthday. He also happens to be a fellow student at CLC… and we have a large group of mutual friends.. the birthday party was loud, alcoholic and lasted all night… but that isn’t the point..


I wasn’t going to go…I had studies, work… commitments.. then a friend reminded me that I had to take a break…. Another reminded me that I DESERVED a night out after all the responsibility..

So I went…

I didn’t have clothes appropriate for a party coz I hadn’t gone back home to get a change of clothes.. I’d left straight from where I was…

So I borrowed clothes from another cousin.. fashion prevailed over consciousness and I actually wore something flattering without first whining about it.. I only had 10 minutes to get ready… so I wore whatever she picked for me…

When I stepped out of the room at my cuz’s place after a hurried combing and makeup session.. there were 6 guys in the room..

they turned around in unison as I entered.. and for the first time in FOREVER.. I noticed how they stared at me before they turned back n got on with the work they were upto.. and for the first time.. that look didn’t make me blush and wanna run n change.. it made me feel powerful..

Quite in contrast to my desire to run find a burka at noorie’s birthday…

Other people came.. the music started.. the dancing started.. and again.. somehow in the dark… I forgot to be shy… I only knew 5 of the 40 odd people at the party.. but I danced.. in a way I’d NEVER danced before.. I walked how I never had.. hell. .i even danced with a guy I don’t really know… AND I actually preened at a compliment instead of hanging my head and grinning…

And I ACTUALLY flirted!!! As ridiculous as THAT sounds… it was my first conscious attempt… n I refuse to apologise for it..



While some readers may dismiss this as some silly outpouring.. this is HUGE for me.. just last month I cried in utter humiliation because a friend thought I’d been flirting with her brother… the accusation had made me feel cheap… I hadn’t done any such thing and I was actually disgusted that someone would think I would do that..

I realise now that I’d been behaving like a recently bereaved widow since the breakup… any fun was an insult to my sensibility.. everything hurt.. a song, a memory, a line spoken unaware… n I would withdraw..

I was blaming myself for wanting too much.. for not being good enough to deserve attention…

But I don’t anymore…

And there was my epiphany…

I AM beautiful.. and I’m HAPPY being single.. n I REALLY need to stop taking everything so seriously and blaming myself for what happened..



And surprisingly.. this epiphany really happened when I was telling AB bout the fact that it was weird for me to be at a party without him and NOT feel alone.. how for the first time in four years was at a party where I didn’t have a particular person to dance with or talk to or call… and I felt free..

N he was like.. you’re feeling weird because it DOESN’T hurt anymore..??


Guess i’ve finally accepted that there’s something good about being footloose and fancy free after all…

In the end…

A big thank you to Rave n Tiny… two friends who made it possible for me to go the party… to Vrin for the awesome clothes.. Rob for the “man you’re dressed to kill”.. :)

I shall not be shy anymore..

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Carlo's words

lying in the dark.. the whisper of your voice in my ears.. i would do anything for that voice. anything at all.. just to hear you call my name.. say that you're here, that you will always look out for me.. that you will always love me..

running away from the world.. from anyone and anyone who doesn't believe in our love.. who questions my devotion to you.. the darkness feels like your embrace.. it makes me forget the world.. forget myself.. all i remember is you and all that i'm willing to do for you.. anything.. anything at all..

you know i worship you.. i'm your devotee.. i would fight for you.. die for you .. kill for you...

i have done all you asked of me.. i have fought all who go against you.. but you know that already....

they say i'm delusional.. that your voice never was ...that i hallucinated..

I killed the conscienceless scum who broke his vows to you.. i destroyed your enemy who tried to ruin your family...


and yet today i am burning in hell..

 
 
 
 
i just read Angels and Demons again...
 
This is for camerlengo Carlo Ventresca... conversations with god..

Saturday, October 03, 2009

ties...

He was everywhere she looked... and nowhere at all.. every corner that she peered around had some hint of him.. a lingering scent.. an echo… maybe a fading footprint in the mess that was the floor..


She desperately wanted to get away… escape him if only for a little while.. maybe disappear into a world where he didn’t exist…

“I really need some time to myself.. its like my entire existence has been consumed by his demands… what do I do?”

“you can’t actually mean that maya… you know you love him.. you cannot possibly survive an hour without him.. and you know how he loves you”

“that’s easy for you to say nina… do you know I haven’t painted in heaven knows how long.. haven’t danced.. haven’t even read a good book.. everytime I want to just sit down he puts forward a new demand…”

“why are you whispering though?”

“I sneaked into the other room.. he’s sleeping right now.. if he wakes up and finds me missing he’ll start screaming again.. I should probably go.. I think I hear him waking up…”

.

.

.

“mumma…..????”

“aye mela bachcha.. ninna nahi ai??”

“mumma godi”

“aa ja beta..”

He sighed in peace as she took him in her arms…

“how could I ever even think about getting away from him….”