Sunday, May 24, 2009


“Perfect weather to cuddle up and make love don’t you think?” you whisper in my ear as the scent of coming rain grows stronger in the wind whipping at us… Huddled in the auto, I squeeze your hand tighter and look down at our entwined hands… a blush staining my cheeks. It’s been so long since we last made love… I think longingly... then groan…. “Where’s the place? Both your parents and mine would be at home today...”
Arranging our infrequent trysts is so difficult…. or maybe not so tough after all....
“So what?? I can just tell my parents that I’m staying over at your place again… I do it so often that they won’t mind anyway…” I sigh.. yes.. it is so often that you stay over at my house..

We run into the house drenched… mum takes one look at the water dripping off us and sends us straight to my room with instructions to change… we giggle like the silly children that we are to her till I’ve closed my bedroom door.. drenched clothes forgotten as I pull you against the door and kiss you…
Our kisses deepen.. clothes get pushed away..
And mom knocks ..

“Will you girls hurry up already? The food’s getting cold.. Deepa I’ve called your mother and told her that you’re staying here today.. I don’t want you going out in this storm.. now hurry up both of you” she instructs before returning to the dining table.. we look at each other.. entwined on my bed.. and laugh…
“not so difficult now was it??” you laugh.. we quickly put on dry clothes and run out..

We’re still holding hands as we rush to the dining room.. my parents find it really cute..they think of you as a second daughter….
my best friend.. my love.. my lover..

faasle they hazaron darmiyan...

this song tugs at my heart everytime i hear it..
it doesn't matter if you lose the one you love.. the love and the memories always remain...


Zindagi Hai dhuan to kya
Bujh gayi har subah to kya
Rootha mujhse khuda to kya
Ho gaye hum juda to kya
Faasle they hazaaron darmiyan,
Waqt ke they hazaaron imtehaan
Fir bhi ban ke nishaan,
Tere honthon ke kisi kone mein Hansi ki tarah
main mehfuz hoon
Teri aankhon ke chipe dard mein Aansoo ki tarah
main mehfuz hoon

Bewajah har wajah to kya
Begunahii hai gunaah to kya
Beasar hai dua to kya
Ho gaye hum juda to kya
Raaz gehre hazaron bepanah
Lafz thehare hazaaron bejubaan
Fir bhi ban ke nishaan
Tere hontho ke kisi kone mein Hansi ki tarah
main mehfuz hoon
Tere gesu ke mude pannon mein
Yaadon ki tarah

main mehfuz hoon
Mehfuz hoon Teri aankhon mein
Mehfuz hoonTeri yaadon mein
Mehfuz hoonTeri baaton mein
Mehfuz hoonTere baalon mein
Mehfuz hoon

Faasle the hazaron darmiyaan
Waqt ki thi hazaron aandhiyan
Fir bhi ban ke nishaan
Tere honthon ke kisi kone mein Hansi ke tarah
main mehfuz hoon
Tere kaandhe ke chipe til mein Vaadon ki tarah
main mehfuz hoon

Monday, May 18, 2009

a big thank you!!

i opened my blog today to find that my last story ' BREATHE' had been selected to be put on as one of their spicy saturday picks... i just wanted to say thank you to whoever it was who nominated me on it... i owe you a treat.. this was the first time anyone gave me such an amazing bit of encouragement...

ps: for some reason i cant get the blogadda label on my blog post.. read a few of the others which hadput it.. so can anyone tyell me how to get that?

i shall write more from now..

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

I dont really know why i feel that my action merits a public apology.. and yet i post this on my blog.. because i guess what i have to say can't really be said face to face. it will never be taken the way i need it to be... and i doubt i have the strength to go through with this long an explanation and yet not break down...

this is for you my angel...

i was afraid of losing you since the day i found you.. so i did everything the way you wanted it... i guess you ever noticed.. the way i stopped asking for that walk because it wasn't your idea of fun... i would retreat into a secluded room in a party so could talk to you on the phone so you wouldn't fall asleep while driving.. why i stopped telling you that something hurt me because hearing that something you did had upset me hurt you more than it brought about a desire to change.. so i thought i'd just shut up to make you happy..

and i waited... for the day u'll actually start reading my eyes.. stopped telling you how i felt till it got unbearable..

i'm not what i tried to be for you angel.. i can never be the kind of girl YOU wanted...

My goals, my dreams, my moods are much too different..

and then i realised that it didnt matter anyway... because what i did wasn't enough.. my quiet made you think i didnt care about what you did.. so you decided to demand the attention that you thought you weren't getting...

i tried. i really did...

but i guess reconciling MY insecurities and yours wasn't really that easy..

we broke apart.... you were gone for so long that when you came back i didnt care about anything but having you back in my life.. no matter what the cost.. i was so sure you would remember what had happened and try to see me as i am.. not as you had always seen..

what i didn't see was that even you had changed.. but you still did want me the way u always did.. i wasn't brave enough to take a chance this time.. i'd lived on my own long enough that moulding somene else's dreams to mine seemed like an impossible task..

and then i got selfish.. i decided to pick me instead of you..

i can't compromise anymore my love.. not even for you.. not for anyone..

when you left.. you took all my love and acceptance with you.. i thought i could never love anyone ever again.. it was when you came back that i realised that i can't even love you the way did again..

i'm tryng to find myself for myself before i can share myself with anyone...


Tuesday, May 12, 2009


This post was picked as one of

After years of suffocation... I finally took a clear breath... I felt free
There was nothing tying me down anymore.. nothing that made my eyes drop instead of meeting those in the mirror..
The bruises would fade in a while.. the scars would heal.. and HE would never again threaten me..
I looked once again at his face.. Frozen in the shock of my response to his threats..
“You never thought I would ever develop the backbone to fight back did you?” I threw the question at him as I straightened my clothes... my blouse was torn... my head probably missing a few strands of hair that were still clutched in his hands… my legs were slightly unsteady as I shuffled to the trunk in the corner.. But I felt no pain.. I could finally breathe…

It was a heady moment.. an endless moment.. when I had thought I was marrying the most wonderful man in the world.. who would love me and care for me and we’ll live a happy life forever.. we would have to work hard I knew.. life as teenage runaways had always been hard.. as a newly married couple we would have to work even harder..

The stars were soon replaced by despair in mine… he lost his job in the dhaba where he worked.. My wages as a maid sustained us.. he started drinking to drown his disappointment..
and then I got pregnant..
my work had to stop soon.. I wasn’t going to be able to work for more than two more months before I got too far to work in my pregnant state.. he didn’t get another job.. as the day of delivery drew closer, He began to resent the baby growing inside me. The baby that stopped me from going to work, from doing a lot of the housework.. from sleeping with him..
And things began to go downhill from there.. till a day that he said it out loud.. he hated that baby for how it had changed our life.. I screamed at him in loathing.. and something snapped in him… that was the first time he hit me..
And then he never stopped..
Soon I began to look forward to the days that he would come home too drunk to actually hurt me before falling asleep.. I couldn’t run.. not with the baby so close to coming to this world..

The day my daughter was born was the day I lost my humanity… he took my newborn daughter out of my sleeping hands.. and sold her to someone who wanted a child…
when I woke up.. my womb and my life were empty… I asked for my baby.. begged for her.. but he only laughed at me..
The next day he told me that he was not going to support me any longer.. I was too weak to say anything … he told me I had to do what he said if I ever wanted to see my daughter again… and he took me to the brothel nearby and left me there…

I was not allowed to eat till I had earned my first meal…. The price was the satisfaction of the brothel owner.. he ‘sampled’ every woman who was taken to work there.. I resisted for as long as I could... he finally got his wish when I got too weak to resist.. I lay there semi conscious.. as the owner sated his lust.. I got a bowl of rice and a roti as reward for surviving.. my husband got three hundred rupees.. I had been found acceptable..

My tears or my screams never moved him.. he just dragged me to that tiny room in the late afternoon when the work in the ‘house’ started… I wasn’t given food if a client complained.. the beatings and insults were my only sustenance…

I began to doubt my humanity.. till the day I found out where my daughter was.. he HAD sold her… not to a couple who wanted a child.. but to a runner of beggars who needed another prop.. my baby had finally died at age 5.. when the sahib decided that she needed to be burnt in places to be a more acceptable beggar.. her heart had stopped with the pain the acid brought on…

And my ‘husband’ had just told me that because he thought I was to blame for her weakness… he had kicked me awake to tell me that... taken his belt to beat me because I hadn’t produced a daughter strong enough to survive as a beggar…

I finally lost my desire to live then.. my daughter was no more.. she had been the reason that I had survived this long.. that one day I would see her again and have the life I wanted.. when I would remove him from the clutches of the alcohol that had clouded his senses.. and we would have a family again..

I lost my tenuous hold on my humanity and hope..

I wanted to die.. but he would continue living as he had..

I couldn’t let that happen…

Before I stopped hurting forever.. I had to show him what pain was..

I rallied the last of my breaths.. and threw my plate at his head… it glanced off his throat.. stopped him for a second as he choked.. then he lunged forward and grabbed my hair… pushed me to the floor.. but I still had some strength.. I kicked him in the stomach.. like he had hundreds of times.. showing him just how that felt. Watched him double up in pain like I had so many times.. and I ran to the door.. he caught me and threw me against the dressing table.. the glass shattered behind me.. a shard landed near my hand.. my fingers curled almost unthinkingly around it.. and before I knew it.. the glass was through his heart…

I watched his knees buckle.. watched him fall and twitch and finally be still.. the shock and pain still on his face..

And took my first free breath in years…

Saturday, May 02, 2009

Black or white

For Gangs, Clubs And Nations
Causing Grief
InHuman Relations
It's A Turf War
On A Global Scale
I'd Rather Hear Both Sides
Of The Tale
See, It's Not About Races
Just Places
Where Your Blood
Comes From
Is Where Your Space Is
I've Seen The Bright
Get Duller
I'm Not Going To Spend
My Life Being A Color

looked up this song as something u could d a jazz dance on.. then rememebred what the lyrics said..
no matter what horrid things micheal jackson may have done in life.. i think THIS is one song i'll always like him for...
Black or white..
funny how no one seems to take popular culture and music seriously...
rather ironic.. don't you think....