Monday, December 29, 2008

life in a bubble..

I'm six years old.. at India Gate.. on a picnic with my family.. the guy blowing bubbles comes along.. preceded by a whole lot of shimmering spheres that refract the stark yellow lighting into a million rainbows...
i run into them.. dancing amidst the bubbles.. ecstatic to be surrounded by their fragile beauty..
trying to catch those transient carriers of rainbows and fairies.. wishing i could keep a few.. just a little while... keep a rainbow in my hand.. Hold those shimmering ethereal things with me forever..

but they burst as soon as i touch them..

I cant have what i yearn for...
but i keep jumping anyway.. trying to catch hold of tehm.. please god.. just one little bubble to keep with me..

why do we keep trying to hold on to things that are so fragile and unkeepable?? why do i despair for what i cannot have??

"Rainbows and fairies dont really come and sit on your hands baby..."
why cant i remember this as an adult??

Thursday, December 25, 2008

midnight mass... and 2 am walks...

i attended the midnight mass on christmas eve at the St. James Church!

okay... so i've told EVERYONE i went to St. james.... BUT the night did NOT end there... coz after singing silent night and oh holy night in a high falsetto..(and i thank god that my voice hasnt gotten totally ruined) we decided to go enjoy the beautiful night outside...



St. James's Church....



oh come all ye faithful.....





H, me n S, two colleagues of mine.. had gone to the church to cover the mass for teh christmas story... all of us live in the general north campus area so we thought it would be fun.. but then H said she had to go south for a christmas party... so that left me n S.. he's the photographer btw.. n me in my carol induced high suggested that we walk back... from St. James to college.. at 1:30 am...

and we did... walked from St. james up mall road to college.. clicking pictures on the way.. coz i had my little digicam as welll.. n he had his SLR ofcourse.. n we were having a rather animated discussion about photography and what a picture can truly capture the mood... these are the pix I took...


lampposts and trees.... mist on the mall road..


got home at 3 am after the 4.5 km walk that left me frozen.. took a break on the way for chai n cigarettes at the kashmere gate bus adda.. a hot glass of tea at 2 am on a freezing december night is a heavenly thing.... and then walked up the mall road amidst the mist and mystery of the night.. hoping to god that none of the speeding trucks would crush us.. and wondering if it was a good idea to throw a lit cigarette on a CNG container at the petrol pump...
oh n the last 500 mt stretch on university road where half the streetlights were broken and the ridge formed a scray jungle on one side. no thanks to u S.. for scaring the bejeezus out of me.. H would have probably screamed louder than me though...

to S.. here's hoping that we have many more such random walks and photo sessions..
hopefully we shall not freeze our asses off next time..

I shall not weep...

coz i will focus on the good in life...

i had a brilliant night... post finding out about.. what'd u call him noor?? oh yeah... post CL phase of the night was truly awesome.

I went for midnight mass!!! at St. James'.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'd wanted to go for sooo long.. but then midnight isnt a time that i'm allowed to go out of the houuse... were it not for work.. and the freak fact that i was actually listening to other ppl in the office car instead of being kllost in the telephone..

it was beautiful.... i remember goin to the Sacred heart cathederal last christmas in the afternoon with everyone from ppg... n we all wondered how it would be like if we were actually present on occasion...

n this time i got it...

the silence, the candles, the smoke from the incense.. the sound of a hundred whispered responses...

it was peace as i have never known... except after a large mouthful of bhang on holi.. or in the crush of the jostling crowds at bihariji temple at vrindavan.... thousands of people cahanting together... lost in something they only half understand...

maybe religion isnt really that bad after all... its when you try and push your sensibility on others when the problem rises..

last night the pastor's message was simply this... do not be afraid.. love everyone around you..

and god will protect you



my tears dropped on the altar railing when i knelt to be blessed...

song for every occasion???

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be
But we lost it (but we lost it)

All of the memories, so close to me
Just fade away

All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

well.... bits thereof anyway.... goodbye goodbye.. parting this time is no sorrow at all...

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

the myth of pavlov

even dogs and mice learn to not repeat the behaviour that leads to punishment...

why dont humans do the same????????

why do we try to find loopholes out of laws, and work around the rules.. and think that hiding our heads in the sand will mean that we're safe and the danger has passed.....

why do pinpricks hurt worse that the thrust of a sword??
why does a huge shock numb faster than the small hurts...
why do things accumulate in my head and heart till i feel i will explode...
why cant things heal..
why is it that i feel this way..
why is it that somethings just dont go away.....????????

there is no such thing as forever

depressed.. yes.. about what?? donno
why?? lets just say the homecoming wasnt as i thought it would be.. the first touch the first kiss.. all rather tame in comparison to all that i had dreamt of in the loong days of being alone.. u know how it is right.. u build up something soooo much in your imagination that the real thing seems pale..

why is it that the songs go on and on about a happily ever after...?? telling tales of how even after years and years.. the lovers fall right into each other's arms and proceed to be happy for the rest of their lives...
what no one mentions is how things change.. how everything changes so much that you dont know what to do or say or think...
when your perfect life seems suddenly to have collapsed like a pack of cards and you dont know how to put it back together.. when the new creation is not what u had built in the first place.. and you dont know if this will stand either..

when nothing seems to comfort you anymore... except solitude..
i once sat atop a high cliff wanting to jump away from my solitude.. now the silence comforts me somehow.. being in my own head doesnt feel like i'm trapped..
talking to myself isnt quite as bad as it used to be...

dare i say.. this too shall pass???

i loved this book once.. for the hope, the surety of love that it portrayed... "A Bridge across forever" .. no matter how circumstances change.. "the one" for you will always be there...

why are there so many lies in this world??? why does nothing remain sacred and true??

why does hope get crushed again and again till you begin to wonder if there was any point in having dreams at all...

Love stories and love songs.. "endless love"...

what the fuck is forever anyway???????

Thursday, December 18, 2008

doodh ka jala chach bhi phoonk phoonk kar pita hai..

why is it that sometimes things get so bad that even thinking about it hurts??
that a casual mention can leave you gasping for breath...
that you cant explain to yourself why something bugs you so much when there i no concrete reason to..
logic cant always answer every question.. and things just get worse if verbalisation of thoughts is something that will end up hurting someone eventualy..
wat are we?? the thought police???

dooodh ka jala chach bhi phoonk phoonk kar pita hai.....

Thursday, December 04, 2008

to sentimental memories.. this is 4 u pal.

sitting in a tiny room full of sounds... feeling my emotions swirl as i lose myself in the ideas that hurt.... as someone walks by... i sigh in pain and desperation... and it seems like you hear the sigh... coz u start a conversation that takes me far from my memories.... and make me feel happy again...

soaking in the sun as the electricity goes out॥ leaving us with nothing to do... i sit and listen to others talk about things that dont include me॥as the lonliness threatens to make me break down॥ u pull your chair to me॥ and drive away the lonliness.. masking my tears i start a random conversation.. and then they disappear....

talking about the lives, the loves we had lost.. the life we wanted to make for ourselves... squabbling like children over the tiniest of things... but you were always there to stop my tears before they could be seen by anyone but you...


a bad day with friends... the room of music suffocated me.. people laugh at my misery... and i run away from it all.. knowing that i will miss everything i'm leaving behind.. but in my anger and sadness i run anyway... you came after me to get me back... you and others who had laughed at me.. and make me laugh again even as i try unsuccessfully to hide the tears that are streaming down my face..


high on top of an open abyss... i look down in pain.. wondering if it would be the best if i broke my chains and flew... because neither the chains nor the ones who chain me will miss me anyway... desperately searching for validation... for a reason to be... as lovers and friends slip away and i stay on my solitary crag.... i call u.. seeking help.. and as always u're there... warming me against the chill just by being there to talk when i fear that no one could hear me screaming in my solitude...


i know i've never always been there when u needed me... but dont ever think that u're not missed.. u're one friend who'se seen me broken and bleeding... and u've always laughed me out of my tears... dont ever think that our friendship means any less to me just because others are there in my life...