Friday, May 30, 2008

Trust

Responsibility… what is it really? When is a person supposed to be responsible for what happens in their life… what is honour? What is the limit of trust? Is there a reason to break someone’s trust or put a limit to how much u trust someone??

Putting a limit on something that inherently has no limits… or has already transgressed most obvious limits..

Limit… responsibility, honour, pride… love…

How do u define them????? N how much is too much?

“I’m gonna do something stupid which I’m not responsible for”… who else IS then??

Why is something that should strengthen us leave us weak and vulnerable? Blaming someone else for the choices WE made ourselves

Everything that happens is coz u’re not trusted”… am I being trusted to make the right decisions by the people who have used this line to accuse others? Or is it that this statement comes because the decisions that are made.. and made by ME are not considered enough to bank on….?


Limit, discretion, responsibility…. Love

Love is supposed to be boundless. No limits.. Based only on absolute trust n faith that no matter what happens, there would always be a reason for doing it.. Even when the reasons are not revealed till the appropriate time.. TRUST.. Absolute and unyielding..

Do I have it?

Monday, May 19, 2008

I danced in the Rain today

after what seems like ages..

after a conversation that left me wondering what life and love really was for me

after a night wondering why i couldn't remember somethings that should have been my fondest memories n why i remember things i'd myself rather forget...


its been nice n cool since yesterday afternoon.. and thats really something for a Delhi May.. been raining almost nonstop since last night... only stopped a couplas hours ago..

was thinking bout how much i've changed over the years and how much of what meant something then means the same now..


the wild abandon with which i've danced in the rain with friends..

years have passed since that happened.. i stood in the rain for a few minutes.. letting it run down my hair, soak my clothes.. n i looked up at the sky n closed my eyes so the rain could fall on my face...

i remember how as a kid i'd happily dance and sing and even lie down on the terrace of my apartment building in the rain.. never mind what happened to my clothes or hair.. today i felt too self conscious to do more than just let the rain wash over me.. even though in the protected four walls of my house.. no one could see me anyway..


i miss the madness.. i miss how ati n i spent hours dancoing in the rain n then started playing something else once the rain stopped..

i remembered how i'd wanted to forget all about how it would look and jumped out of the classroom window to dance in the rain in school.. i wasn't that much younger than i am now....

i remember walking... actually running around college splashing in puddles while ppl around me sheltered behind umbrellas n stayed away from puddles..

whats happened in just this little bit of time????????? its only been a month since college got over... i'm not even technically a graduate yet since the results aren't out..


the madness seems to have left.... the things i could've said, would've held on to, wanted to do and did without wanting... seem to have caught up with me.. i feel like i'm floating in a haze... dont quite know what i am anymore.... i've said things , done things that would have horrified me a few months ago.. ive accepted things that were unbearable a few months ago....i've let things go where i never wanted them, n i'n not sure i want to undo what i've done. if it can even be done..in a way i feel like i've lost myself, if i ever even knew who I was...


but i guess i'll survive... i see my craziness act itself out sometimes...

i watched sweet home alabama today n cried at the end when jake and melanie kissed..

and i danced in the rain today.... just a few steps maybe, but i danced.

trippin'


This is gonna be looooooong… probably in several parts coz there r tones of pix I wanna show off….
I just went for an AWESOME holiday…. A 4 day trip to Kullu- Manali n surrounding areas with my family…
I know ppl go to way more exotic places all the time but this was the most beautiful trip I’ve ever taken… PLUS I got to see snow which is something I’d never ever seen before…it was GORGEOUS!

Okay so this is going to be a day by day account of what we did n what we saw..

DAY 1
we woke up at 3 am ($%£”$^) in the morning and did the whole last minute packing n locking up routine… god knows how but we finally left at 530.. Me, parents and lil brothers in our hired innova.. The driver was nice.. Had a whole bunch of CDs that he kept playing and the car even had a TV screen so we watched Dhamaal (don’t make nasty comments.. I have a pair of 12 year old brothers remember..)

The ride was loooong (13 hours!!!) but was fun.. I slept through most of it though… there were sunflower fields for miles along the road… once we got to the mountains and started climbing along the river, the view just got better n better.. There were rocks and trees growing out of fissures in the rock n the river was winding its way own right beside the road.. it was so incredible..
We stayed in this family camp organized by the YHAI(youth hostels association of India). It was fun staying in a tent with some 40 odd other families staying in tents around you... The work was annoying though.. Cleaning out the tent, having food from the buffet n washing your own utensils n stuff… I was like…. Couldn’t we stay in a hotel??? There was the 5 of us in ONE tent.. it was rather cramped considering I barely let the twins enter my room at home.. but we were usually out all day n only got back to eat dinner n crash.. so it really didn’t matter how much space there was as long as there was enough for all of us to lie down.. My mausi n her two sons joined us at the camp (had their own tent thankfully...)
The first day there we just roamed around near the camp .. in the afternoon we went to this town called Naggar, its bout a 45 odd minute drive from the camp.. Our camp itself was bout a half hour’s drive from kullu proper…
u know what the funny thing is… we never got to go around Kullu itself…went to the market at kullu for some shopping and lunch but it started raining so we didn’t stay.

Anyway… Nagger has this old house... estate really, that belonged to a Russian explorer n artist called Nicholas Roerich who married the old actress Devika Rani n created this charming estate right at the top of a hill with a wooden house and art gallery and everything.. its all been preserved a s a museum.. the best thing bout that place was its garden and the view.. the mountains all around and the valley down below… it was absolutely breathtaking..
oh n we saw a coupla monkeys all huddled up in a tree.. it was really cold coz it was constantly drizzling and the wind was icy.. there was also this little museum and theatre kind of thing nearby.. all wooden construction and really old.. . There were tribal dresses and old stuff on display.. we saw this old style stove as well
From the Roerich estate we went to see the old Palace at Naggar.. its another wood n stone construction that’s said to have been built in the 15th century.. complete with a wooden temple..ALL the places we went to have one of those- Ornately carved wooden temples with stone images of local deities and different avatars of Vishnu, Shiv and Ganesh. Oh n I held an angora rabbit in my hands… it was SO warm n fuzzy… n it was HUGE… we saw it n we were like, god that’s a big rabbit/.. it was someone’s pet though… they were charging 10 bucks for ppl to pet the rabbit n take pix with it… there were a couple of those even at manali…

In the evenings at the camp we had this gathering of all campers where we were supposed to sing n tell jokes, n the kids did short skits.. the rest of the campers were mostly budget tourists from Gujarat n Maharashtra who traveled by bus n came in groups of 4-5 families… they were nice people.. the children were really enthu bout the whole campfire thing (no real fire though.. u cant burn wood in the open in that area.. so we had a bunch of light bulbs stung around a tree as our ‘fire’)

The second day was a trip to Manikarn.. This is a religious spot where it’s said that Parvati’s earring fell and Lord Shiva couldn’t find it so he opened his third eye and the mountain convulsed… the place has hot springs and really smooth rocks coz of that. The place also has this huge gurudwara.. And a Ram temple said to have been built by the Pandavas after they grew old and decided to travel to the hills.. The hot springs were really disappointing though.. There has been such a lot of construction there that the original hot springs have been covered over.. the hotels have piped water from the springs coming in so we just went n had a dip in this little pool that one of theose places had made.. it was kinda weird.. The ride back was much better.. The view was great.. We saw snow clad mountains in the distance n the river was right beside the road so we just parked there.. there were huge rocks on the riverside n we spent almost an hour just sitting around on the rocks, clambering all over them… oh n there was also this old broken bridge right there.. Very picturesque.
On our way back to camp we saw a lot of goat n sheep n just parked on the side of the road again.. saw really funny shaped clouds.. there was one that looked like someone’s face.. n another that looked like someone’s standing up in the clouds
We also stopped to look at this old Buddhist monastery that was a coupla km away from the camp.. it was really pretty…

The THIRD day was what made the trip really incredible.. we went to see Rohtang Pass.. not many ppl are allowed to go up to the actual pass n are stopped at this place called Marhi which is actually 16 km from rohtang.. but we got to drive all the way up to the top.. it was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen…


there were 20 foot high walls of snow n ice all along the path n a huge field of snow up top.. n there were places where the snow melt had refrozen into weird shapes.. the most amazing thing was the sheer blue of the sky in contrast with the bright white of the snow… oh n rohtang is where one of the scenes in the song ‘yeh ishq’ from Jab We Met was filmed.. the whole thing where shahid n kareena are driving through a path with snow on both sides… it was beautiful..







it was so annoying though.. on our way up we were stopped by the police at marhi who said that access to the pass is not allowed.. n then they asked for 2000 bucks to let us go up! This local guide told us we could go up if we paid him a thousand… so we did…. I hate the idea that we had to bribe our way up but seriously, I’m SO glad we did…The view was to DIE for.. it was soooooooo awesome.. the path was hell though.. it was bumpy n half gone n there was melting ice everywhere that made the path terrible to drive on.. we even got stuck in mud for 10 minutes.. had to get out of the car n push it out of this bank of keechad that it had gotten stuck in… all of us got COVERED in mud that was flying out from the tyres…it was really funny though.. I even got mud on my lips…. N all our clothes were badly splattered with mud… we had hired those coverall snowsuits n gumboots that are needed for the cold n snow… n the car got so horribly dirty inside when we al finally got back in… the driver was whining bout how he’d have to clean up in the river water… which was bitterly cold mind u.. But it was SO worth getting all messy in the mud…

On our last day we went to Manali.. Saw the Hidimba temple that’s right up on the top of the hill that manali’s on…. The path wound around so much.. we were constantly getting thrown around against each other in the car.. the temple’s said to have been built sometime in the 1300s..another wood n stone construction.. but with a tin roof.. the original roof’s been covered over with tin sheeting to preserve it… there were lovely trees n rocks all around… this was the only place that was really crowded… I mean.. manikarn was too but that was a town anyway so it was expected.. this was a little temple at the top of a rather bumpy hill… but it was really pretty... the mall road at manali was nice.. neat n clean n spacious unlike most hill town roads which are dirty n all messed up… sat around there for a while… I bought a himachali cap as well..
We stopped at a small village fair on our way back to camp… my dad mum n mausi got outta the car to look at it but my brothers n I stayed in the car. Too exhausted n uninterested.. the pix made me feel like I should’ve gotten down to see.. Looks really nice.. there was this procession of the village deity n a dance n stuff.. n little shops for sweets n games n all… the village temple was another one of the ornately carved wooden things.. again said to have been built sometime in the 15th century.. Seriously.. they call kullu the valley of the gods coz of this.. There’s a profusion of little temples all over the place. Every town, village n hillock has one temple of a local deity..
Got back to camp just in time for dinner.. I was asked to coordinate the cultural program of the ‘campfire’ that night… basically go up to everyone n ask them to do something.. n be the emcee for the ‘show’.. it was fun though.. My dad n the kids came up with this little quawwali bout how kids would want their teachers to fall ill so school would remain closed.. n a few other kids did this little skit.. n there were stupid jokes n a coupla speeches by the camp leader n all.. packed up n went to sleep by bout 11 coz we had to leave from there at 5 am again… woke up at “£$%$%^*%£ 4 am again n left by 530… it was such a lot of fun..
I donno why but I can barely stay awake in a moving car.. slept through most of the journey once we got to the plains from the hills…the trip was awesome though..